Thanks for posting your story on the Members' board.

You've come to a good place.

You wrote >>I am wondering if I am in love with her or our family situation and just holding everything together for the boys. I need to talk to anyone who will listen. If read the whole message thanks, your a trooper.<<

Dave, I have sons 19 and 15. They were 13 and 9 when I discovered my wife's affair.

I was incredibly anti-divorce in cases where pre-teen kids were involved, so I worked to try and keep things together.

In reading your post, I think you're right: you're in love with your family situation and you're fighting to keep that.

There's nothing wrong with that in general. However, the cost to you personally is the rest of what you've written. You can't play cop/PI/jailer forever.

The first thing most folks around here will tell you is this: you can't control her or force her to love you or to do what you want.

Focus on Dave.

I have plenty of suggestions for you, but I won't offer them. I will tell you this: I've been in a similar place. When you want to "talk" more, just respond to this post.

You WILL get through this, though the outcome may be something different than you want or envision right now.

Chris.

bump, in order for gddave to find it...

And as you walk you make your path Kat

I read all of your story. I'm sorry that you are here. If you have specific questions of us don't hesitate to ask. There is alot of experience within the people on this site.

Like Chris said, take care of you. You have no control over your wife's choices or her behavior. You will have to let go of that at some point and it won't be easy.

Hang in there.

H2C

Good to chat with you tonight.

If there's more you want to share, just post it here. I promise someone will respond. We take care of each other around here.

Chris.

Chris,
What are your sugestions..

I want to try and stick it out but everything inside tells me to leave. I want to be happy but I don't know if I will ever trust her again. Can we ever have relationship with this hanging over us? Should I give her the six months or just end it now ?

You don't really have a choice: if she wants the six months, she's going to take it.

You DO have a choice: do you want it going on in your house, or do you make her leave?

Personally, I think it's a bad example for your sons if you let her stay while she keeps you in limbo. If she leaves, they'll at least understand why you're lost in space.

When my wife was questioning whether she wanted to stay married, I pointed to the door and said she was free to leave at any time...I wanted the marriage to continue, so I'd stay here while she took "time off".

Why should the BETRAYED partner have to leave his home?

Chris.

Good point, Christopher !!

And as you walk you make your path Kat

I will post this on the Discovery as wells the Divorce side so if you read it twice that’s why.
First off let me thank everyone for listening and being there. I have had no one to talk to through this whole thing and to be honest I didn't think anyone else was going through a situation like this. I know none of us wants to be here but thank you for giving me a shoulder to lean on.

In my story I told you about the married man with five kids, the youngest was only 3 months old in February when they started, well he has popped back into the picture. They both tell each other that they are in love with the other and that they can't live without each other. He has said he will not leave his wife but wants to see my W when he is not getting the proper amount of "attention” at home. I love her and if I thought she would have the chance of being happy with him or anybody else I would just file the paperwork and complete the D so we could both move on. But this is a HUGE train wreck coming, this guy is going to get caught (he is very sloppy, doesn’t cover his tracks well) and she is going she is going to be labeled the other woman. I was thinking about contacting him and meeting him in a public place and telling him to just fade away or his wife would get a packet with all the emails they have sent back and forth and the hotel where he spent Valentines Day with my W. He knows that I know about the affair but neither of them think I know about Valentines Day I am trying to do two things here: 1. Save my W from a large amount of grief, this guy is only going to use her and keep her on the string, I don’t want her to get the label of mistress or WH... 2. I have already gone through the bowels of hell and I don't want a mother of 5 small children to do the same. If this jerk could be shocked back into reality maybe I can keep his wife from joining our little club here. I am not a violent person, I have no intention of doing any physical harm to him that's why a public place. Another confession on my part I am still reading her emails and IM chats. I know what she is thinking and when she is going to meet someone. I feel I have the right to know if what she is telling me is the truth. She is planning on meeting someone from out of town the end of July and the IM's have been very se.ual and very descriptive. I want to know what happens because if she has a se.ual encounter with this man after our agreement of no touching below the neck I will have no choice but to end it and file for divorce under A. I am willing to fight for my marriage and fight dirty if I have to. I want no harm to come to anyone; there has been enough pain already. I don’t want my kids to find out about their mother’s activities especially if she is caught with a married man of 5 small kids. Any advice is appreciated.

First, about meeting the OM.

IF you are determined to do so, the way you've laid out is what folks around here agree is the "right" way. Further, it's not your job to protect his wife...it's his job, and he hasn't done it. So my advice would be...meet the guy, give him 48 hours to tell his wife AND leave your wife alone, then mail the packet of stuff to her anyway.

Now, about playing detective.

I did that too; that's how I found out what I did.

I had our confrontation the evening she returned from a business trip while the kids were at their grandfather's.

If I'd had a more mature outlook at the time (and some balls), I'd have taken her to a hotel and told her to stay away for two days and make up her mind. Today, I feel as if taking her back right away and trying to live with it as if everything would be okay was a mistake.

My question for you: how much more do you need to know? How much worse do you need to feel? What are you willing to live with just to say "I kept my promise"?

See, here's the thing: the marriage that started on your wedding day is over. In making herself a "free agent", your wife ended the deal and broke the family unit. Even though it doesn't feel like it, you are holding the cards now. You've been very wise not to react harshly out of anger and hurt, but you do have the right to set limits of what you'll accept in your home.

I stayed married as long as I did (almost six years after discovery) out of fear. Oh, I wrapped my fear in the children's needs, and in my own "noble" beliefs about marriage being forever, and in my determination NOT to be the only divorce in my immediate family. (One sister has been married 20+ years, and the other two are pushing it; our parents are coming up on 50.)

I am not what anyone would call "a man's man" (no huntin', fishin', motorcyclin') but I do know it's important to set an example of manhood for my sons that includes discipline, honor, and courage.

I had to face the fact that my wife simply didn't want to be with me. (The exact quote from our last counselor was, "Chris, she just doesn't want much of a relationship with you right now.") I had to figure out what to do with the business and house she was willing to walk away from. I have to continue to raise my younger son until he's out of my house.

I am on the "downhill" side of wrapping up most of those things. The "uphill" was only difficult because I didn't want to face up to them until I thought I was ready.

I see you standing at the foot of what seems to you a huge mountain physically and emotionally. Or, if you wish, a football field full of rocks taller than you...your goal is the other end zone, but the only way there is to climb over one rock at a time. While on top of each rock, you get a glimpse of the goal before climbing down and then up the next one. It's slow. I've been there.

I can tell you this with certainty: I wasn't ready for it until I was NOT living with my wife. I had to disentangle from all her "stuff" to be able to deal with my own. "This" isn't her problem. It's yours. You get to decide what to do.

Chris.

Dave

"2. I have already gone through the bowels of hell and I don't want a mother of 5 small children to do the same. If this jerk could be shocked back into reality maybe I can keep his wife from joining our little club here."

I'm right there with Chris on his responses.

In my humble opinion, I also think you should give the info to the wife of OM. I would have been deeply disgusted if I had found out that someone was trying to protect me (poor, stupid, naive wife of a cheater) from my ex H's affair at the time it was happening. I'm glad I was the one that found out and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I think I had every right to know and also think the OW's H had a right to know. I called him and told him the night I caught my H and will never regret telling the other woman's husband. It really helped me that he knew what his wife was doing and he could then monitor her and keep her away from my H as well as I was trying to keep my H away from her. I was not mean in any respect to him and apologized for having to give him such horrible news. He called me about a month later and we chatted for over an hour on the phone. He seemed to be a nice man and I don't think he was unhappy with me that I called him, I think he was grateful he knew.

I think if there is any hope at all for your relationship that the OM's wife needs to know. If anything, it could help you keep them apart or end their relationship regardless of what happens to your marriage. If his wife knows and threatens divorce or kicks him out, he may cling to his wife and push your wife away, then it could possibly help your situation b/c your wife will realize that he isn't really there for her at all. She may start coming out of the fantasy life she's in, but that takes a lot. It could also go the other way but from the sound of it, he doesn't want to leave his wife for yours - he's just a cake man.

It really is a painful situation and we can relate here. While my marriage worked for a year after that, I also found out he was still lying and hadn't told me everything. I feel lucky to be out of that marriage now :>) I'm sorry your going through this.

Charlie

PS I was staying in my marriage for the "family situation" and also the affect it would have on my kids and my financial stability. I didn't really realize that was what it was at the time though - I thought there was more love than I think there was. I have a special needs child and it scared the crap out of me that I wouldn't be able to put as much into him as I needed to or had in the past to help him get a good education and hopefully live a productive life in the future. Both kids are doing extremely well now. One even tested for the gifted program again in school after flailing for a few months after the separation. They seem to be well adjusted but that takes a lot of work after all that and lots of reading on how to handle their emotions. It is possible for them to get through it.

for 2 reasons. First I have found out some people knew of my wife's affair and they kept it a secret from me. I don't care much for those people any more. I don't care for their values. They are the type of people who would probably have an affair thinking "what he/she doesn't know.....". In a sense I feel betrayed by them as well as I would loved to have had an opportunity to know (do something) early on in the affair.

Second, the OP's spouse is most often a valuable ally in the no contact rule, even though you may never speak to the spouse. I made sure OM's wife knew but I did it in a different way. I went after OM and confronted him. People seperated (OM and W's co-workers) us but did I get to tell him in my most colorful way that he had better tell his wife as I was going to call her at 8 am the next morning. I kept my promise and I did call at 8 am and she was told of the affair. She was worried for her H that I might still harm him. I think she got that perspective from him.

I'm not suggesting that you handle it the way I did. I'm just suggesting, like Chris and Charlie, that the OM's wife has a right to know as early as possible.

Dave and Dave's kids first, Dave.

You'll always care about your wife. Too much good history not to because that was not wasted time. They were those times and they were real and they were good. There's nothing wrong with keeping those memories and feelings for yourself. You can't throw away what you gained in those times just because things went terribly wrong along the way or you would leave a space in your life. Life is filled with good and bad. Don't leave gaps where there was good and fill your history with just the bad.

But too much caring about everyone else and no one caring about Dave gives you nothing but your pain. The heart does not have the capacity to think but often we try to do our thinking with it in this. And straining your heart to do what it cannot do will only break it more.

You want to help your wife through her struggles and you want to protect her. She doesn't want to help herself and she deserves no protection. If the train is bearing down on her and you can see it coming... if she can see it coming but stays on the tracks... you can't run out there and stop it with your hands. You just get plowed over with her. That doesn't help your kids.

Actions without consequences leads to more actions. Your caring and assuring nature only enables the affair. Trust me on this. Your attempts at love, forgiveness, understanding, nurturing, and caring are the very knife that is used against you as it plunges repeatedly into your heart. The more you care, the sharper the blade.

If you do want your marriage to survive for the right reasons coming from your brain, maybe telling his wife or threatening to could aid in no contact. The threat of telling for me didn't do any good and while his wife has a right to know, I am not going to do it. I mentioned in another thread, this can cast a bad light on you in some way as who ended their marriage. Not fact but there will be some perception of it out there. Then your wife and OM can get to work on their storybook romance in the open. I'm not going to help that happen. If it happens eventually, then fine. I will not have played a part in it.

Kids do suffer. They don't always have to know the "whys" until they are able to handle it. They just need to know they are loved and to get the attention they deserve. I believe that in today's world, being children whose parents are divorced gives them more in common with their classmates.

Dave, all brain and no heart. No quarter. Give a quarter and they make your life a 3-dollar bill. Come here for support but let your brain hear what is said and don't let your heart deny.