Discovery of another D-Day last night and now I am really here in this forum.
Wow. Really here. I thought we could make it.
It's hard when no amount of love can overcome the fog. That she does love me but could not stop.
Nothing is forever. Not marriage, but not even divorce. Maybe some day when we are two separate complete people our paths could lead back. I won't be looking for anyone. Some awesome women tried to take me away from the single life unsuccessfully before and it was only this one that could do it. Like I have said before, never say never.
Well, I just thought you'd be interested in knowing where I am in this after giving it a shot. A weak shot, but a shot.
Moe/Mac:
Awwww. I really FEEL for you. I'm so sorry. Please e mail me if you want to. My husband now knows that I visit the site, so it's no secret, but I will delete this e mail address later tonight, so write it down:
And Moe - everyone here will try their best to be of some support to you, I know
xxx
Edit, took out e mail address
This message has been edited by sandy6957 on Jul 1, 2005 2:26 AM
Well we are going to try to civilally work through some things with finances so I can find a place. I know we can get through the times of seeing one another okay, we have always been friends and I think we can get through this as friends. I can't stay here and she move because this house is her and us and that will kill me. I can only heal elsewhere.
Once I find a place then when I have moving arrangements made, then I guess we tell the kids. Try to explain with no blame nor fault.
Somewhere I'm sure lawyers come in and I hope they can respect our wish to part amicably.
Then I will be back to where I started. An empty crappy rented house living on microwave dinners.
I'm so sorry. Many of us have been there and we hurt along with you to hear this happening to someone else. Especially trying to make it work and finding out about yet another D-day - I've been there too.
I just want you to know that things improve a great deal once your completely out and start getting on with your life. Hang in there.
I'd like to encourage you to concentrate on you, and what you want and need at this point. Try to let your wife "own" her part in this mess she created. Please don't be too quick to let her off the hook for her choices.
As Chris said, we're here every day. Talk to us if you need to.
Hey guys, in the non-gender specific way. Thanks for thinking of me.
A lot has happened in the time since I posted this. A decision to take more steps at reconciliation, her beginning IC, another D-Day, another Divorce plan, a decision to take one last shot at reconciliation with a possibility of MC, and me starting IC yesterday.
Really I am doing fine with myself. Not consumed with pain, feeling very well with my self-esteem. My therpaist yesterday believes it is because I am emotionally prepared to go if I have to and a lot of my emotional roadblocks to possible reconciliation are out of the way as long as she is willing and able to do her part. And this is why I was able to stay even now besides just for love. The times that I was leaving she was able to show me that I sincerely mattered to her.
Learned some interesting things yesterday that I think I never realized. That I resented or at least felt unimportant to her over her "phone time". That I was supposed to address her needs for attention when she needed them without concern that I may have had those needs while she was on the phone. That I never knew when it was "my turn". Recently I have been agitated over the phone time but thought it was just a reaction to affair fallout. As my therapist gave his thoughts, I think I have for some time felt like an afterthought. That unimportance added pressure to be important that spilled over into all aspects of my life. Some things specifically in our relations. No pressure now because I couldn't feel less important. Later if we were able to fix it, then conditions making me feel unimportant would have been erased so this pressure would not be there as before unless patterns redeveloped later.
Believes I have resented her job/shift/overtime since it began over feelings of unimportance and abandonment and withdrew either to get back at her or because I got so used to her not being there or unavailable over the phone when she was that I didn't know what to do when she was here and available. Again the she needs me now but not did I need her earlier?
He also feels that she is as guilty of what she accuses me of in that she too was as defensive and unapproachable about these issues as I was to her about her issues. That we put up shields to positive communication.
Because of our normal marital conflicts needing resolution and the fact that the OM was more accessible to her through work schedules, he provided attention without conflict and availability. He got more quality time with her.
Discussed both my marriages that took the identical turn. He asked for me to describe the beginning, middle, and end. I discussed patterns of me taking for granted and becoming listless in the relationship. Again he reiterated that those are issues that do need to be addressed through communication/MC, but what that is called is "being married". Said essentially that I married the same woman twice. Both showed patterns of neediness and needy people have affairs because often they need more than one person can give when they need them. That needy people continue affairs or have additional affairs unless they can correct their neediness. That even if I was able to address needs when needed, the cup then would be flowing over with need fulfillment from an affair unless the neediness was corrected to be within reason.
My therapist feels that I do not need a battery of independent sessions. That if I am willing to put into practice what I learn in joint MC, that would address most of my issues. She violated commitment and trust and has issues she must deal with in IC to decide if she is able and willing to put into practice what she would learn in joint MC.
Okay so you probably weren't asking for that dissertation, but I am thinking of those who are newer to this to possibly show just how much 1 hour of IC could do. Of course, I think when someone newer to this starts IC early on in the process that they will have more hurt, rage, and low self-esteem issues to deal with than someone like me who has had some healing time before starting IC.
This message has been edited by MoeGreen63 on Aug 4, 2005 11:43 AM
You really do help with the way you can explain things without all the guilt, shame and blame we seem to dump on ourselves and our X. But, like you say, it is easier to be objective when you have had some distance from the trigger event. Excellent post, so comforting to me...I can relate to your progress through this, it is similar to mine.
Well Moe, I am glad to see you have an understanding of what went wrong and a starting point of the relationship is to reconcile. I truly wish you the best and I hope your W will give it a chance. Keep us updated...we worry about you man:o)
I will say that it's great to have a place like here with people that care to share with. I read the posts from the newbies like Blaine, James, and Ian to name a few and my heart hurts for all the new people finding us here. I'm still a relative greenie after just a little over 4 months and I suffered in the early days but I have always had a good emotional strength to work with to get me to where I am now. I want to help those guys get through the dark days that rip your heart and mind into pieces until they get to the better days.
We have a new member every day and it just irritates me that society has become so "Me! Me! Me!" that no one can honor commitment or at least do the right thing and end their commitments before they decide to satisfy their selfishness. It has become a lazy society... everyone looking for the easy way to deal with their problems. In an affair there is so much effort that if the WS could put one-tenth of the effort into their marriages, they would never have had to have an affair. But it's still easier to just go out and screw than it is to face problems in your life.
I had a good friend die this week and I have had several pass on the last few years. I have been really hurting over this friend's death because I always looked forward to seeing his giant and constant grin whenever I could. It has made it a tough week for me. I think about times I would be with this friend and another who passed away and how I am the only one left from that group. Times I spent with 3 other dead friends and that I am the only one left from that group. And I am 42 years old. I'm not supposed to not be able to count my deceased friends on one hand.
As for my marriage, who knows. She has been doing things to show me she's not with him but she is miserable doing so, still projects blame onto me, and still justifies the unjustifiable and unacceptable affair. We're still standing by Dorothy's house in Munchkin Land and that's a long, long road to OZ. And I can't wait forever for her to decide to get on the road with me.
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