Not just anger, but rage that my children and grandchildren are w/my ex and the OW doing a "family thing" watching the 4th of July parade downtown...just as we did every year. Even when we lived in opposite ends of the house. Last year, the OW called my ex's cell several times that I know of, and left messages at our home number...while we did the "family thing" at the parade. This year...she has my kids and Grands w/her. She has my family w/her...doing something that we did for 27 years.

I'm so angry. So hurt. So ....... I don't even know all that I'm feeling right now. I feel threatened. I don't want this woman around my kids or Grands...yet, I know I have no control over this.

Damn, this is hard. This is really hard. I want to break things...yes, I'm that angry. No, I'm not acting on it...I'm here instead.

My body is so tense right now...so it's doing the "reacting" for me. I HATE this crap.

How the heck do I work through this stuff? Let go? HOW????????

Cindy

Whew. It's like a nightmare.

My 3 kids (2 grown) do not want to meet the ow.


Ever.

Hang in there. Kids will figure things out for themselves over time. You may be surprised.

5 weeks into Discovery, my W told her 20-year old son the reason for our problems when he was home last weekend. As his stepfather, we never really go along that well. I'd gone to VT for the weekend and he called me that night to express his support for me. He wanted to know if I knew who the OM was so he could kick his a__. I suggested it was such a good idea, though the thought had occured to me more than once. (I picture his face on the punching bag I've started to use daily.)

He is home with me this weekend as his mom is visiting his sister to tell her the whole story face-to-face. He is consciously looking for things to do with me and is going to help me move out this Monday.

I understand the anger. Keep talking, it does help.

-Rob

I read this and wanted to provide encouragement but didn't know what to say. Rob, you nailed it. """"Kids will figure things out for themselves over time."""" This is so true if they have the chance.

Start with this: there is no "we" anymore.

Your kids have a mother and a father, and they have a right to love both of you and to do things with each of you.

And, if your xH has a relationship, your kids and grandkids will be exposed to it.

Would YOU rather be there with xH and OW too?

(I didn't think so.)

The sad truth is, you are going to lose half the holidays in this deal. Last year I lost Christmas. This year I lose July 4th and Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. (Actually, I don't mind losing New Year's Eve...that means I get to find a date.)

I'd never say to you, "get over it".

All I'll say is...that's the reality, and it sucks. Face it, and get through it.

Chris.

<All I'll say is...that's the reality, and it sucks. Face it, and get through it.>


Chris- Thanks, I needed to hear that, too. Reality does SUCK when it comes to divorce and lives being turned upside-down and inside- out, but dammit I WILL get through this.

Cindy- Last night I watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" . It's hilarious, and poignant. I won't spoil the plot, just watch it.

TLMM

That last post was kind of the "big picture" view.

Cindy asked HOW to get through it.

Create new traditions for yourself. Choose something to do that you enjoy that no one else in your family appreciates. Make plans with friends (your family of choice) who may be empty-nesters or who don't have kids of their own. "Adopt" a family your kids' age who don't have parents/grandparents nearby.

Read without fear of interruption. (HOORAY!)

Make and eat foods that YOU love.

Go and see a movie you want to see (in a theater) alone.

Save chores (housework, yardwork, etc.) for those times when you need to be busy to keep your mind off this kind of stuff.

Walk, hike, bike, or run enough to wear yourself out.

Play with the dogs. Or, for "work", trim their nails and brush them.

Plan your next trip. Or, get out a road atlas and trace back your last trip to remember the beautiful sights and pleasant times.

Chris.

Probably echoing Chris's post a bit here. I don't have children, and so far, I'm not getting divorced, so I don't really, deeply understand how it feels, but I can imagine...
My suggestions would be to try and keep yourself super busy when you know these times are coming along. Do something you really enjoy, that will keep you so busy that you don't have time to think and dwell on it. Sport is always good for getting rid of frustrations, if you like any sports.
But make big plans for those times when you know they're going to be together with those children.

Make and eat foods that YOU love. - WATCH OUT FOR THIS ONE

Chris is right. Make your own traditions with your kids, build your own new fresh memories. The hardest part of all of this is that you feel like everything suddenly became uncontrollable. Realize this however, you can control you. You control how you choose to deal with this. If you really want to go to the fireworks screw your H and the OW.........go and be with your kids. But he is right there is no we anymore so try to stop thinking in those terms.

It is hard and we have all been there but you can do it.

Kid

"The sad truth is, you are going to lose half the holidays in this deal. Last year I lost Christmas. This year I lose July 4th and Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. (Actually, I don't mind losing New Year's Eve...that means I get to find a date.)

I'd never say to you, "get over it".

All I'll say is...that's the reality, and it sucks. Face it, and get through it."

Chris

I really can relate with this post of yours. I also lost Christmas last year with my kids and it was the first I haven't spent with them. It really was a bummer. I will have July 4th though and we'll be watching it on the ocean front with friends that were mutual friends of my x's and mine. They are visiting a few days from Michigan now. It's really good to see them but a little weird because I met them when we were married and we hung out together all the time in our early marriage. Years after that we kept visiting each other if different states.

They want to see my ex though so I may invite him over for a couple hours tomorrow to see them - talk about weird. I don't want to get too friendly with him but I know they may want to see him. I know it is very strange but...

Charlie

"""""The sad truth is, you are going to lose half the holidays in this deal. Last year I lost Christmas. This year I lose July 4th and Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve.""""

What you may not realize yet is that you are gonna loose them anyway when they get older and are in committed relationships of their own. This is especially true if you have only sons because their women sorta rule how the holiday situation plays out. We have to share the holidays with the other inlaws even though we adore our son's choices in women. We also have to share the grand kids with the other inlaws too.

Of course ours is a normal evalution that was not brought on by traumatic events. But, the end result is still the same in that we have to share. So we try harder to make our shared time of higher quality time.

Hope this helps.

H2C, your boys were grown up already.

Mine are still teenagers...as you know, sometimes holidays are the only time you DO get them home. LOL.

Chris.

Well…I’m certainly doing better today. I’ve been checking in and reading your responses, which have helped tremendously.

I realize this is all part of the process of letting go…all of it, the fear, feeling threatened by this woman, feeling the betrayal all over again, etc…etc…etc. Will I be able to get past it? Yes, without a doubt. However, when feeling such feelings, it’s really hard for me to stay with them. I get physically sick to my stomach, lots of horrid body sensations…rapidly beating heart, restlessness (can’t sit still), and so much more. I struggle to stay with the feelings I experience…want to run as far away as possible so as not to feel the hurt and fear under the anger. However, the anger in this instance was a big factor…very real…and not just a cover up.

All of your suggestions are good ones, and I appreciate all the input. A movie would have been good, but didn’t get to that till too late! I did get busy around the house, playing in the yard w/my flowers, weeding, etc, took the girls for a walk, that sort of thing. All helped, but I still had that horrid heart racing feeling of panic. Why? Took me awhile to get to it. Though this is rather long, I did condense it as much as possible. Sorry if it seems "holey" in places...did the best I could!!

Many of the conflicts in our marriage centered around how to deal w/our daughter…with us rarely agreeing on what to do. I’m not blaming her – that we couldn’t resolve conflicts was our problem; just explaining something here. I’ve always been the one to set boundaries, do the “tough love” thing with her, and her dad always caved, even when we agreed upon an approach (very passive-aggressive behavior). Approaches were important w/our daughter who has bipolar disorder with psychotic episodes (she sees who she thinks is the devil most frequently, and hears voices when off her meds - sometimes even gets break through episodes when her meds need to be tweaked)…diagnosed at about age 14-15 (now nearly 24), but began severely acting out at about age 11. There’s more to this, but the upshot is that I was always the “bad guy”…dad the “good guy”.

I made the majority of the decisions about our kids, because he didn’t want to participate…”Do what you think is best. I’m busy”…at work…or whatever. He did do Boy Scouts w/our son, but it was a huge chore for him – he hated it, and complained about it the whole time. The only reason he did it was because his partner said he needed to be involved in a “community organization” that would help bring in business. So, though he claimed to want our children, he never took the time to foster relationships w/them (again, his intimacy issues)…unless it made him look good. Appearances are everything to my ex.

All of our daughter’s problems made him look bad; our son’s early fatherhood (at 17) made the ex look bad; that I couldn’t work anymore due to the CNS dysfunction I have, made him look bad. We were all liabilities…he even told me that in no uncertain terms on more than one occasion. He simply didn’t want the responsibility of a family…certainly not this one. Do our kids know these things? Absolutely not. They would be devastated if they knew his true feelings about all this stuff. Our daughter does, however, know that her dad is emotionally unavailable, and has tried her damndest to earn his love and approval most of her life. I can’t tell you how many times she’s cried in my arms, “I just want him to want to do things with me, mom.”

So…with all that…I know he’s using our kids and Grands to make himself look good with the OW, and they sooo want a relationship w/their dad (particularly my daughter) that they’re jumping into this w/both feet…and taking my Grands w/them. I know how my ex works…that my kids and Grands will get hurt is inevitable. I hate that more than you know.

Will they “get it” on their own? Yeah. Eventually. But the damage will already be done by then. Can I stop it? No. I’m having to accept that. Can I change it? No, and I won’t try…not even by talking to them…not my place to do that – they are, after all, adults. This is something they need to do and figure out on their own. I know that eventually my daughter will come to me…hurt beyond belief because of what her dad will do…always happens. My son will quietly stuff it way down inside and insist that everything is Ok. “It’s just the way dad is” is what they say before going back for more. See…I taught them well. Yeah...I'm having a hard time w/that too.

And I have to stand by and watch while they get hurt. Doing nothing. And my Grands are being subjected to him, and this OW. I don’t want either one of them having any influence what-so-ever on my Grands. Again, can I control that? No. And I hate that. It pisses me off more than I can say every time my Grandson asks where his PaPa is…cause he rarely takes the time to spend time w/Trystan. We raised Trystan until about 8 months ago…though my ex wanted to send him to a foster home. OVER MY DEAD BODY! Because of my daughter's disease, I remain Trystan's legal guardian...something my ex wanted no part of...Trystan was "not my responsibility" he would say.

I want to protect my kids and Grands, but know that I can’t in this instance. He is their dad and grandfather. And I hate that more than I can say.

But...with all that, I’m Ok today. Acknowledging that …things is what they is. I’m working on acceptance, and keeping my mouth shut. I am creating new traditions w/my kids/Grands...and loving every moment we spend together. We had our BBQ yesterday, went swimming, hung out all day, and really enjoyed our time together. That's really more my speed anyway...I don't do so well w/huge crowds of people...like at the parade. Hell, some years I wouldn't even go...would stay home for the peace and quiet...while ex went w/his mom (no, not even our kids went all the time). As always...there's more to the "moment" than I generally think. LOL

Thanks you all…you’re presence and input are truly invaluable. Thanks for being here.

Cindy

Cindy, I've also found that building up friendships helps me "deflect" some of my emotional energy into something positive. When I'm investing in others, I'm NOT thinking about my kids, myself, or my ex.

In the end, we can't protect our kids from their own choices. They won't necessarily listen when we warn them about possible consequences. And when those consequences concern their other parent, they might regard our "warnings" as pushing our feelings about an ex onto them.

All we can do is love them, regardless.

We've got to let go of them anyway, and they're going to get hurt in life when we do. And those things have nothing to do with affairs or ex-spouses.

Chris.

You Said:

"Chris- Thanks, I needed to hear that, too. Reality does SUCK when it comes to divorce and lives being turned upside-down and inside- out, but dammit I WILL get through this."

"Cindy- Last night I watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" . It's hilarious, and poignant. I won't spoil the plot, just watch it."

I did...just finished. Thank you. "but dammit I WILL get through this." Yes, I will.

Cindy