Mkay... So here's a little quiz for you all - my fellow singletons...
Two people - he is, say 41 and she is, say 34. They've talked nearly every day since the end of February. They email 10-20 times a day, while at work. They spend time alone (RARELY) and with his kids (MOSTLY). They do "family" stuff with the kids (shopping, swimming, watching movies, going to the lake, playing games, etc.). They are NOT physical, beyond kissing, etc. and even that is RARE. They say they like eachother. Neither one of them is seeing someone else.
WHAT do you call what they are doing? Are they dating? Are they seeing eachother? Are they hanging out?
This dating stuff is skeery bidness, lemme tell ya.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Well say there is this 36 year old doctor and a 34 year old accountant who aren't dating and are just friends except everytime they get together they kiss and fool around a bit. What do you call that? I mean when there are kisses and intimacy involved hasn't it surpassed friendship or am I living in the dark ages?
LOL.. The kids (2 of 3) do live with him. He has labelled this "hanging out" - because, before I divorced, he said he couldn't date a married woman. Fair enough. Well, as of 3 weeks ago today, I'm not married anymore and we're STILL "hanging out".
I don't think he really needs/wants a helper for his kids, it's usually their idea to come over here. I have a computer, you see... And when we all do things together, it's at my invitation 9 times out of 10.
I had a big epiphany today and said, "Omg! We are just friends!" He said, "oh, don't blow things out of proportion." Whatever that means... LOL!
I think we ARE just friends.
Kid, I think you're MORETHANFRIENDS - dating, maybe? I don't know.
Boys are weird.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
So, who wants to spend more time alone together? You or him? What kind of chemistry is there between you? Do rockets go off when you see/touch him or do you feel more like he could be your brother?
Sounds like something is not balanced to me and you are not satisfied on some level with where it's at or going.
After our second breakup my X said he just wanted to be friends...well, do friends have sex together? I asked him that, never did get answer and of course we had sex. What he wanted was no commitment AND sex. So he could tell his other GF that he was not in a relationship, just friends. Nice set-up for him.
I have a single woman friend who had a similar situation with a guy who said they were "Friends with privilages." When I told my X that he WROTE IT DOWN. Thought it was the best thing he had ever heard.
So, I think if you are kissing and intimate you are more than friends, less than lovers, probably not committed yet. I would feel if I were in this relationship that we were just dating for fun, not very serious, and I would try keep it that way until I knew what my heart wanted.
The whole "friends with benefits" or "friends with privileges" thing is not a baby-boomer concept (Judy, that's why your ex wrote it down and why you'd never heard it even though it's a commonly-used phrase among people in their 20's and 30's). However, it could be argued that our generation started the widespread practice of sex without commitment.
Some people think that sex is reserved for marriage. Some think that it's reserved for a committed relationship. And some people think that whatever goes on between two consenting people is just fine. Nowadays, everyone draws the line in a different place. And the line is each person's to draw.
Now...
Monica, why does a friendship necessarily have to lead anywhere? Do all relationships between a man and a woman have to "progress" or die?
Remember, ladies and gents, it's all about communicating.
When you're at the point of wondering what a guy wants in a relationship, where he wants to go, you're putting out signals to let him know you're interested, etc., keep one very important thing in mind:
Most guys WILL NOT NOTICE THE SIGNALS!!! We just don't see that stuff. Be direct, forthright and honest. Come right out and SAY or DO something.
Your best bet is to have him come over and open the door naked. That's about the only signal he'll understand. And you WILL get an answer, one way or the other.
Trust me on this...
Cory
You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.
When we were first introduced, he was REALLY interested and I was just "Ehhh..." I was sort of seeing someone else at the time so we agreed to be "buddies." Then, I quit seeing the other someone and told him this. He called NON-STOP, sent cards, popped in when he was out running errands, and was in my space 24/7. I flaked and told him that maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship like that. This was in... oh, March, I think.
Since then, we've bounced back and forth between friends and "hanging out." He doesn't do ANY of the sweet stuff he used to do. If I try and label it, he says we don't need a label (Sandy, I think that's what you're saying) and that we should just go with it. I can't even ascertain if we committed or not! If I bring it up, he gets huffy and says that I should do whatever I want.
M'kay... I'm not really a go with it kind of girl. Wish I was! But, I'm more of a list maker and borderline anal about being organized.
We went to a ball game tonight and he introduced me to all the other Moms and Dads... just by, "This is Monica".
I like him, I really do. He's funny, witty, respectable, honest, intelligent and he's got the brownest eyes on Earth. We have a good time, whatever we do, with or without kids. It's fun to hang out with him, I just wish I knew if it was a RELATIONSHIP or not!!
EDITED to add... Cory - LOL! That's pretty dang direct! Yes, I've asked him what he wants, he doesn't really have an answer other than, "to hang out." I would like to spend more time with him and become intimate - and NOT just for the sex, but for all the stuff (backrubs, hugs, snuggling on the couch, etc.) that comes with it.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
This message has been edited by PrincessofQuiteALot on Jul 19, 2005 11:41 PM
Cory
Er, well, the nekked thing, would that be when he is bringing his kids or when he isn't? Could be a bit of a SURPRISE!! (You'll have to Xcuse me, I just watched "Meet the Fockers.")
Yes, guys like directness, but I find that can also just set a guy running. How can women tell? Guys often TALK one way and behave another. It's a confusin' world for a woman tryin' to figure it out. Besides, women like men to take their clothes off...oops, that too, but women like a guy who will take the woman's clothes off...ohshit, I am getting all tangled in this. See what a movie can do?
"I flaked and told him that maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship like that. This was in... oh, March, I think. "
That makes me wonder if he was a bit hurt when you said that and maybe he is a littly bitter because he liked you more and showed it back then but you didn't.
Knowing all of this, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that back then you weren't ready for a relationship but you feel ready now (if you are) and if what you said hurt him back then it wasn't what you intended on doing. See how he feels about a real relationship or does he now only have friendly feelings towards you? He needs to know that you are here for him now and won't "flake", as you said, again. Just a guess here but if I were him, I'd be more cautious after someone told me something like that too.
That's a good point and he probably does have that somewhere in the back of his mind. However, I have told him on no less than 42 trillion occasions that that isn't the case anymore. I know what I want and am ready for a little something MORE than friendship. He's known this since about... the end of April, I think.
A little more background... He's been REEEEEEEEALLY burnt by 2 significant relationships in his past and still carries a ton of baggage from both of those. He says that he is doomed and that he's not good in relationships - I tell him that if he truly thinks that, he's probably right: if ya don't try, how are you ever going to know? He says it's "the norm" in his life.
I have spent the past few months really trying to prove myself to him and let him know that not all women are cheating shrews like the 2 he knew. Occasionally, he admits that I am NOT the norm and then in a couple of days, he's shut me out again.
It's to the point now that I can't even ask anymore, w/out him flipping out and saying that we aren't going to talk about it. I've told him I need to know, asked him to tell me how he sees "us", begged, pleaded... Nada. He says that I shouldn't HAVE to question it... (that sounds a lot like, "I must love you, I'm here, aren't I" and that gives me the willies!!)
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Perhaps he is just shy in the intimacy dept. All that fear, you know. What worked for me is to say, "I don't have to work on ....morning so let's have a romantic evening and if it gets too late you can sleep over on the couch." That way you let him know that you are interested, give him some time to think about it, and still are not committed to anything, really, but the door is open to options...like maybe you'll be on the couch WITH him. Ahem.
And caution about too many expectations for the first intimate time...lots of stress working here. (So glad I'm not a guy...) Maybe he thinks you are this bedroom siren and he is way nervous....who knows what goes on? Taking his shirt off would be a start, and then stop at that to see how he reacts.
Judy - LOL!! We've had a couple of experiences like that.. both at his initiation. One got a little heated but stopped SHORT of sex - and NOT because I said no! Ugh! It's him. He knows I want to go a step further... good grief, I'm 34, I'm not like 97 and too old!
He DOES have a big fear of intimacy and some uhhhh... hmm, how to say delicately... let's just say I don't think he could pull off the ole cowboy hat on the crotch trick!
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
And when we all do things together, it's at my invitation 9 times out of 10.
