You know it is so weird. BF and I have been hanging out at my community pool quite a bit with the kids lately and we've met an unbelievable amount of divorced single parents. The first day that I met a few of them a few weeks back I went by myself and started talking to one next to me and then I met all 5 ladies on the chairs next to me and every single one of them were divorced and only one doesn't have children. We've also met a couple more since that initial meeting including two men.
I've also met people who are married, but BF and I were amazed at the amount of people who are divorced here. I guess it is somewhat of a transitional place for many to move into a condo after they had been married and sell their houses but it just seems so prevalent that it is also kind of sad. I told BF today that I never realized how many divorced people were out there until I started meeting all these people, he said it was the same way at his work. He hears guys talking about it a lot.
I guess the good thing is that it is beginning to be fun hanging out with all these people I'm getting to know and my kids have plenty of children to play with. The other good thing is that it is nice to be around people who won't judge you because you are separated or divorced. Sometimes I think people judge you when they find out as if you have some disease. I'm really enjoying living here even if I wouldn't have "picked" this way of life when ex and I were together. Today I made some margarita mix and we had some yummy drinks while we were out at the pool - it was pretty fun.
<<Sometimes I think people judge you when they find out as if you have some disease.>> Yeah, I've felt that at certain times. Particularly at my daughter's preschool this past year -- it was a higher priced preschool and the only way I was able to send my daughter was because a good friend of mine -- who's daughter was in the same class as mine -- paid for 40% of the cost. (She really wanted my daughter to be in the same program as hers!) As I read through the school's list of parents -- I was the only one listed as a single parent. While I would normally think this a good thing -- stable, intact nuclear families -- it made me feel out of place. And the rest of the parents, aside from my friend, just weren't really friendly.
I also feel quite lowly when asking for help in any way -- as if I'm being pitied, but no one wants to step up and offer a hand. As my infamous neighbor friend just said the other day in a real....interesting....email to me, regarding our "friendship," she said "I realize you don’t have much to offer on any level and really, I’m not keeping tabs, but the one thing you have we could really use is the ability to access our backyard through your driveway." Uh huh. How about that for a nice dose of "pity"? Funny thing is, I've watched her kids tons of times, even when they're sick, baked her things, given her cut flowers from my yard and many other gifts, I've taken her places when her car was in repair, and I've let her/her husband borrow LOTS and lots of stuff from me. But none of that matters when I grow a spine and put my foot down about their use of my driveway......
I know I've gone off on a tangent, Charlie..... But I know how you feel about being "branded" as divorced.......
Well Charlie as the stats say 50% of every first marriage ends in divorce and something like 60% of second marriages..........and the % keeps getting higher and higher.
oh jean i couldnt resist
"I realize you don’t have much to offer on any level and really, I’m not keeping tabs, but the one thing you have we could really use is the ability to access our backyard through your driveway."
WTF is wrong with this woman, for goodness sake, phew, she is lucky you dont prop a shot gun up on your driveway for target practice in case the neighbours try to get into their yard hahaha.
can you send this to her for me
"Oh betty, thank you so much for your email and you insight into my life and struggles continues to astound me. you are so right and thank you for keeping tabs on me, i need that right now. regarding the access to your yard, that is a great idea, but i am sure you would understand that because of my situation, i have to ask you to pay for that access. however i am not sure what would be agreeable to you, and i dont really feel in a position to negotiate, but i was thinking say $10 per access trip, or $100 per week for right of way, or maybe $10 per person who accesses. although the later might become expensive for you, being married and all, you have more people to come through. we could maybe do a discount for your kids, and a different rate for your relatives if they visit you and need to get into your yard through my drive. anyway as i said, thanks for keep tabs on me, and while i hate to ask, if i can do this small thing for you, for a small fee, i would be grateful".
now jean, if yo have finished laughing or throwing up, please send that to that woman who is generously described as a neighbour!!!
what a woman, i cant believe she would say that let alone put it in an email!!!
back to topic, haha i refused to describe myself as a single parent, i am not, and besides the boys still have two parents. if one of us had been hit by a bus we wouldnt describe ourselves as single.
i too got weird looks from the 'married ones', particularly the women, they tend to be a bit cautious, especially when the blokes offer to mow the lawn for you etc haha. for some time after my divorce i shared the house with another woman. she was studying, so i fed and housed her, in return she looked after the kids while i was at work. now that got some odd looks around the place. one day she was cleaning the gutters on the roof (you learn to do all sorts of stuff when there isnt a bloke around) and i came out the back and could hear a nosy neighbour sniffing around to see what was going on. so i yelled in a made up voice, pretending to be another neighbour "oh george, one of them lesbians is up on the roof"
i am sure i could hear the old duck next door choking and then stagger off to ring the moral police hahahahaha. actually i thought sue was going to fall off the roof she was laughing so hard!
anyway enough of all that, it is a different world, but it is also quite reaffirming to see so many people making it 'post relationship' with or without children.
howdy, i was laughing so hard, h asked me what i was laughing at. so i read the neigbhours advise haha, he couldnt believe it.
he suggested you write and let her know that because she is such a good neighbour and all, that you have willed the right of way and driveway to her, just in case you get hit buy a bus or decide to jump of a cliff for being so unworthy!
OMG, Kath! The people in the surrounding cubbies are wondering what I am laughing at!!!!
Jean, tell Mrs. Entitlement to do something sexually and biologically impossible to herself and her mama. And her mama's mama. (Juvenile, but nice to visualize.) You may want to remind her of your "lack of worth" the next time she tries to dump her kids on you. I'd love to have a neighbor to trade babysitting with rather than pay $10 per hour (minimum!). I can't imagine someone just leaving their kids with a neighbor of friend for free and then "conveniently" forgetting to repay in kind or with other favors.
FWIW, I had the same problem with the old drunk that lived next door to me at my first house. His house and backyard fence sat directly against our driveway and he thought he owned a piece of the driveway. Would drunkenly stagger out and point to our cars parked in same driveway and tell us to move them. WTF? Then he went so far as to extend his back fence over part of the driveway. Boy, did we have big fun with the city inspectors over that one. They threatened to condemn the house unless he removed the fence extension. The fence did eventually come down.
Also, in California, if you give someone "access" for a certain amount of time, it becomes "grandfathered" and they and their heirs (the mama thing again, tee hee)have access rights. MM/TL, our resident real estate specialist, may know more about that.
"Well Charlie as the stats say 50% of every first marriage ends in divorce and something like 60% of second marriages"
Well, I can't remember the exact statistics here but can tell you I am probably fairly close.
I think I heard somewhere around 80-90% of military families end in divorce and also 80-90% of families with a special needs child in them often end in divorce. I'll check to see if I can actually find real statistics on the web but I do know both were very high and it makes me realize that my marriage didn't have a chance in hell to make it. Okay, add a sexual addiction, affairs, and any old way to avoid the family and you have about 0% of making it.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised we lasted 15 years.
Well, I checked around on the web and can't find crap but know that I've read somewhere close to both of those at one point. I think the special needs divorce rate where guessed at in a book that I read. I know quite a few families with special needs children whose marriages didn't make it, so I beleive it could true.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Jul 31, 2005 1:13 PM
While Kath's response had me in stitches, about your driveway bitch, I've got a better one!!!!!!
Dear Betty f*** off - not subtle but fun! Or
Dear Betty, I know I have so little to offer on any level so just thought I'd inform you that the level of the backyard is being lowered and I'm having a swimming pool built in it, thanks to a kindly sugar daddy, so unfortunately your kind request will have to be denied, but I will still take care of you kids when they're sick and bake things for you and give you cut flowers and lend your husband stuff when he needs it, not keeping tabs, you understand.....
While I would normally think this a good thing -- stable, intact nuclear families -- it made me feel out of place. And the rest of the parents, aside from my friend, just weren't really friendly.
