I haven't been in touch for a couple or three weeks. Time has been flying by. I guess that's good because I keep hearing how time is the only thing the makes the pain fade, and there is a lot of that.
Some things have changed very recently and I think I am ready to accept the truth that it is really over and time to move on with my life. I don't see any hope for repair /reconciliation.
WS wanted to sell the house, (which was hers before we married and is still in her name) because
1. It was too expensive to keep herself
2. It was too much to maintain by herself
3. It was just too big
4. Too many memories (this one is a little vague)
I reluctantly agreed to support that move. She suggested keeping the profits aside and finding "temporary" housing - something easily abandoned should be get back together. I have signed a lease on a new apartment and will be moving out of my brother's place Oct 1st.
After finding aprartments that accept a dog too expensive, and condos a poor value with the added cost of fees, and cheap houses a poor investment for future resale, she invested in a house nearly as large and expensive as the one we are selling. She called to excitedly tell me it was everything she always wanted in a house. And she asked for my support for her choice.
I have been emotionally raw all week feeling that all the reasons she gave me for moving were crap. Most are not being achived in this move. It feels that she is intent on wiping out our past and starting her new life. She tells me how she is working on "acceptance" (of the horrible things she did while lying to me about the affair). She is also committed to doing things for herself - not anyone else. But I believe she also continues to look for every moment she can spend with OM. And I'm sure they will find the new house a convenient meeting place since it is close to his home and both their work. She knows that if things did begin get better for her and I, I would never want to be part of that house after the two of them had been in it.
She tells she has put their physical relationship on hold until he is willing to tell his wife the truth. But they continue to meet, phone, and email, as I understand it. She says he is now her best friend and primary source of emotional support. We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together.
The weekend, I sent her two emails. One was intended to express concern about her health and all the things that have been piling up stress in her life - and to suggest a move at this time might not be a good idea. The things I listed for all the stress included a negative review of aspects of her affair behavior and violating her own values. The result was that she was furious that I was harassing & beating her up by bringing up this stuff again and she has had enough. Other than MC, she doesn't want any communication now. I know I shouldn't have sent the email because my anger came out in it even though I didn't intend it that way. But now she has an excuse to really break our communication and claim it is my fault.
However, I'm thinking this may be for the best because I'm not really seeing any hope for her waking up or for a future for us even if she did. There may be just too much damage and hurt with this continuing so long (15 weeks now since she told me and 7 weeks we have been separated). I think I'm ready to accept that it is time for me to move on with my life and stop being hurt by hoping something will change. It just makes me feel helpless and continue to feel hurt.
Well that's my life for the past few weeks for anyone interested. Tonight I'm feeling pretty strong and ready to say goodbye. (tomorrow I may be crying again though). Life has been busy, but I've been reading posts even though I've not been taking the time to write. Writing takes a lot longer. I do feel a part of this "group" and value all the sharing that takes place here. So much great advice and experience are here. I doesn't have to be directed to me to be of value. All of us have been so wounded, and each person's success at healing and moving forward is warmly heard and shared.
Not wanting to sound sarcastic... well... maybe a little.... I hope your spouse is ready for a long wait. It took my H 1 1/2 year to disclose. His AP was single and thought once I knew about their relationship and child I would roll over, disappear, and they would live happily ever after.
Your wife compromised her marriage on a promise that he was going to tell his wife and leave his family?? and if it does not happen... then what... she is planning to get you back?
I am very sad for you, Rob.
.....We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together. ....
so you can have a 'better' separation, to assuage her guilt and not validate your pain?
....I think I'm ready to accept that it is time for me to move on with my life and stop being hurt by hoping something will change. It just makes me feel helpless and continue to feel hurt. ....
I read somewhere that when Pandora opened the box the last one to escape was Hope....
wishing your peace and the strength to find it.
And as you walk you make your path Kat
This message has been edited by Kats7 on Aug 31, 2005 9:47 PM
You said<<<There may be just too much damage and hurt with this continuing so long>>>. You'll know when Rob or you will perhaps "feel" it like I did. That's it, over and done. I think there is a kinda peace and relief that just overflows you when that happens. At least for me there was and I hope for you too. It really was "freeing" for lack of a better word.
Once that happens some of the other stuff kinda took care of itself in some sort of strange way. Any contact stopped being about Missing and became(or maybe was to begin with) a habit. That was the next thing I had to work on...breaking that habit. Hope that makes sense buddy.
<<<We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together.>>> Does the MC know this?
Wouldn't IC be better for her to work on her issues? That sounds alittle manipulative to me on her part...ok ALOT manipulative. Almost sounds like the more "normal" she can make the contact she has with you appear the less guilt she has to feel. Pretty selfish huh if that's the case.
When you are ready NC might be a good option to consider Rob.
Hang tough buddy. And thanks for being an important part of this group.
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Aug 31, 2005 10:05 PM
Tough deal. I know how you feel and I am feeling so much of it now myself. I am hoping to be the opposite, sad today but hopefully better tomorrow. I am still in the house and will be for a couple of more weeks, but that is my source of pain right now. I need to go as soon as possible.
It is hard to see them moving on even knowing they have that comfort of someone else already in their lives. We step out cold and alone. We need to erase them from our life, but it pains us to see them erasing us. It's not fair, but it's how it goes.
With me getting the kids every night when she goes to work, I worry about the fact that I won't get those long spells of not seeing her. That's what helped me after my first divorce. Long periods of not seeing her. This is why I wonder if maybe you should stop MC. Have her learn it on her own and you do what you need to do. I think no longer seeing her more than you have to may be the best thing for you. If you begin erasing her from your life, then you won't see her erasing you as you are seeing now.
And you know what? It will likely come to pass that there will be no going back, but I bet you erase her more effectively than she does you. I learned that my first wife held onto memories of and feelings for me much longer than I did her. Actually 13 years worth. The OM eventually lived in my shadow and I hear it had some to do with their breakup 8 years later. With the strong love this wife and I had for so many years, I believe that she too will have a harder time erasing me than I will moving on.
Thanks for the support. I do feel much stronger and calmer today. Something shifted for me and I am feeling some closure. I want to sit on this for a week or so, but I think I am ready to really let go. That doesn't make it any less sad or painful, but I think it will start the healing.
Some responses to your questions:
<<<We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together.>>> Does the MC know this?
<<Wouldn't IC be better for her to work on her issues? That sounds alittle manipulative to me on her part...ok ALOT manipulative. Almost sounds like the more "normal" she can make the contact she has with you appear the less guilt she has to feel. Pretty selfish huh if that's the case. >>
She has been out front with the MC about this. MC still feels she can work with us and is actually very confronting with her about a lot of things.
She has been in IC since February - long before she decided to tell me what was going on.
<<<<Your wife compromised her marriage on a promise that he was going to tell his wife and leave his family?? and if it does not happen... then what... she is planning to get you back?>>>>
She is "in love" and truly feels this is the man for her future. She was willing to tell me even knowing that OM was not planning to tell his W (unitl she finishes her chemotherapy - what a great show of kindness on his part huh?) She also leaves room for doubt that what she is doing is crazy - her rational mind tells her that but she keeps repeating that she "can't do anything different right now". I'm sure she would like to have me as a safety net. I kept hoping she would come to her senses, and leave this affair and choose me, but I don't think I could ever be the default choice just because this relationship failed. I think it's too late already.
<<<<.....We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together. ....>>>>
<<so you can have a 'better' separation, to assuage her guilt and not validate your pain>>>>
MC asked her this, but she denied that was her agenda. I think it does have a lot to do with it. She says she is hoping to still be friends when this is over. I don't think you treat friends this way and expect to keep that friendship.
She always was a person of very high values and I think what she has done is temporary romantic insanity at work. I think she will have a very hard time getting over me and living with herself and the things she did once reality sets in. She knows she is already working on "acceptance" and forgiveness of herself with the IC because of the guilt and conflict in actions vs values. She feels that because she is being honest now with me, that she is now maintaining her integrity.
Other than intertwined finances and details, I don't expect to continue maintining contact. I do want to continue with MC as I believe there is more for me to learn as well. I did play a part in this drama, even if a bit part, and I'd like to understand that.
You can be friends one day if you had to be, just not now. If you don't have to be such as in not having children, then just be friendly when you have to. If you never have to see them again, then all the better.
"<<<<.....We continue with MC, but she is clear her role is only to learn what we can from the experience - not for any hope of getting back together. ....>>>>
<<so you can have a 'better' separation, to assuage her guilt and not validate your pain>>>>
MC asked her this, but she denied that was her agenda. I think it does have a lot to do with it. She says she is hoping to still be friends when this is over. I don't think you treat friends this way and expect to keep that friendship."
I agree Tex could have a point and would also wonder if her agenda was to assuage the guilt. Rob, do you think that maybe individual counseling might be something you would want to take up to work on helping yourself instead of her? I did it for three months after our separation and after that, the C said to call her if I thought I needed her again but that she didn't think I needed it any more. Hearing that was when I felt I could actually do things on my own again and I somehow felt stronger
You want to be there for her. You want to help her. You want her to be okay. You want to be her friend even after this...actually the friendship can come in time if it was something you really wanted.
She is waiting for someone else to make her feel better. To make her better. There is only one person that can make her better. It's not you. IC/MC can provide the tools, but they can't make her better. OM doesn't want her to be better so he's going to pretend he can make her better, but he knows if and when she's better then he is probably out the door. He's not going to make her better.
It's all on her. When they wallow in their illness and self-pity, it's like they wait for someone else to just make it all better. They have to make a stand to be better. They are runners and avoiders, but they will never be better for as long as they make it someone else's responsibility other than their own.
And you know what Rob? That goes both ways. It's up to you to make you better. You have to make the stand for yourself. And when you do, you will, you won't want her anymore. You won't wish her ill, but you won't want to be the run to grant her the ability to run from her responsibilities and accountabilities.
"I'm sure she would like to have me as a safety net. I kept hoping she would come to her senses, and leave this affair and choose me"
Rob
The real problem with that whole scenario is that if she did use you as a safety net, she wouldn't be addressing her own issues or owning up to the guilt or realize what she had done was wrong. It would likely just happen again with another person later on. Would you want to go through this again? Just my lousy opinion.
"I'm sure she would like to have me as a safety net. I kept hoping she would come to her senses, and leave this affair and choose me"
This is what I was and it took me awhile to realize it or simply admit it to myself. When I knew she was lying to me about what went on the day of her last IC appointment, I asked her repeatedly why she wouldn't tell me the truth. She continued to try and lie repeatedly until I told her the neat thing about the MAIN odometer, not the trip odometer, before she left was that it was at an even 60,000 miles. And you can't reset the main odometer.
Her answer once caught was simply, she was a coward afraid of being alone. This makes me sick since it is clear she intends fully to go ahead with her relationship with a married man even saying to me that he has no intention of leaving his wife. If this guy doesn't leave his wife for her, even though that relationship is poison, any one else that comes into her life will have to deal with the fact that they will continue to work together and to see each other every day for the rest of their lives. And any contact at all between them will never be acceptable even for another in her life. Alone? She deserves to be alone but she will eventually suck some other fool into her sickness.
I have been told that once a woman detaches from a man that she never returns. Knowing that and seeing that to be true, we are safety nets. We are someone to be there still in case this other thing doesn't work out. We are another paycheck coming into the house. We are the ones there taking care of the kids so they can pursue their carefree fantasy love life.
>>She is "in love" and truly feels this is the man for her future.<<
That's pretty much it, then, Rob.
My wife was detached from me when she had her affair...almost five years before we separated.
The "woulda, coulda, shoulda" part of my brain now says I should have forced matters immediately. At the time, though I didn't, and paid with five years of pain and anger. (I am not a quitter.)
However, the relief at the end of that suffering was palpable. My longtime friends here can attest to that. I am not sure if I'd have found peace without going through the suffering first.
Ok so where is this place called detachment.....I can't find it on the map!
Chris........I hear you loud and clear,,,,,,,,three years to the day from d-day she moved out.....three years...........like you I am not a quiter.........but in the end it wasn't my choice to make.......she just made up her mind and that was it!
I don't regret trying to make it work after d-day one but I do regret the choice she made in the end...........
I regret the choices that my X made too. She never said the words "I want this to be over now" but then, she wouldn't. Instead, she made it impossible for me to stay without losing my sanity and self-respect, which amounts to the same thing in many ways. I may have pulled the trigger but she loaded the gun and handed it to me.
It will get better, James. I promise. There are setbacks, of course, but the general trend is upward. When I look back over the past 6 years (my d-day anniversary was in August some time) and all the chaos and havoc, I'm not sorry that it is over now. It won't be easy to rebuild a new life but it will be rebuilding a life. And that is enough for me, right now. I believe that you will find the same.
I can feel myself letting go more and more. I'm not there yet, at least not everything that Kat lists. The one about judging still stings as I am having lots of trouble not feeling that what my WS spouse did was WRONG. She has told me I am judgemental toward her and she is true. I do thing is was/is wrong - violating our trust and committment.
But I do think I am ready to let go of hoping that she is going to change her direction and want to be together again. She has said all along that she wants to keep open the door for the possiblitiy of change, but all I see are the doors closing and I am ready to let that happen on my side. If things do change, she can knock on my door, but I won't be just waiting outside of hers. That hurts too much.
I may continue MC, but not with the hope that it will change things - just to learn what I can. I keep hearing from IC and MC how much growth we will get from this, but I'm still waiting to see that. Yes, I have learned that I am stronger than I thought to endure this, but that's about it so far.
