I was driving home today - mind wandering... and I had a big A HA! moment.

When I said on my other thread that I don't care how much a man in my life makes, I think I lied. Here's why I think that...

I met a guy online who lives about 45 minutes from here. He's very sweet and always has something positive to say. He's unemployed. He's not looking. He was laid off several months ago and I guess is living off of unemployment, savings, severance, child support, whatever. He does odd jobs for his neighbor... But he's not looking! Not at all. Doesn't even crack the paper to look at the Want Ads. He said the other day, "I need to find something part time but not too much or we'll lose the medical card" (he has custody of 2 kids).

I should add that he didn't SAY that, he emailed that because he can't call me because that's long distance. Long distance? Do people still say that and worry about that? I thought in the cell phone age that everyone has "long distance" on their phone. So weird.

So, that leads me to think that he'd rather SCRAPE by and keep the public aid benefits than to find something more substantial... That doesn't sit well with me. I guess I want someone who wants more for HIMSELF. I think I need that to respect him, ya know? Even if he had SOMETHING or was LOOKING that would change things. So what if he works at a convenience store or whatever, at least he has something... a back up plan, even.

Does that make me shallow and one of THOOOOOOOOOSE women?!?


Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

You're not one of "those" women Monica. I think what it boils down to is self-respect. When people have self-respect they want to rely on their ability to take care of themselves and their family, and that means working to support themselves and their family.

Of course there is one HUGE caveat to that statement: when people are disabled, physically or mentally, when they are so poor they don't have the opportunity or means to support themselves, or when their lives are devistated by some natural disaster, then those people need some support system to help them make a better life.

Then there are some people who are just plain ass lazy- I know becasue I have a son that doesn't give a damn about working, or doing a good job. I also have three others that are working their butts off to support themselves instead of relying on mom or dad.


Maybe you could ask this guy what he wants to accomplish in his life.

That could give you some clues.

Take care.

TLMM

ugh....I just lost everything I wrote....

Monica, I don't have long-distance on my phone either!  I do have a cell-phone, but it's used very judiciously; I'm careful not to go over my allotment of minutes.

My children are covered by two insurance programs (fancy that), but I don't have anything, so I can see how that may be a concern for him. 

Does this gentleman not seek work because he is the primary caregiver?  Or do you think custody of the children is not an issue here?  Are his children enrolled in a bricks and mortor school or is he homeschooling?    (probably not, but you never know....)  How old are they? 

Monica, for several years, I had chosen to scrape by and receive Medicaid and food stamps (off and on) so that I could stay home with my children while they were young.  Afterall, I was still breastfeeding my daughter when my former H left.  It wasn't my children's fault that their father left, and I wasn't going to have them lose me also for 45-50 hours a week (including commute time) for a full-time job.  Now, I don't think breastfeeding is an issue for this man!  BUT, perhaps the other things are?  Don't know.  Now I work part-time and am about to start teaching my own "Young Writers' Workshops".  I'm glad I waited.  And I'm not ashamed to benefit from what what the government could give me during the time of my children's lives when they needed me the most.  I have the rest of my life, when the children are older, to pay taxes back into the system, just as I had before they were born.

The issue for me, if I had questions about this gentleman, would be -- what are his passions and convictions in life?   And -- do his other qualities make up for the fact that he doesn't make much money?

Jean

Jean-

I'm sorry I left out great moms like you!

TLMM

Hey MM.  Well.... thanks. 

After saying all that above, I have a confession to make....  Back when I was a subscriber to an internet dating site, I did some searching just for fun, and I would search for the following criteria:

-- a widower (therefore no wondering what part he may have played in a divorce....of course how his wife died could be a whole other matter!)

-- income of $75,000 or higher.

I thought, heck, if I'm going to go about looking for men, why not start with the rich ones?  Never actually connected with anyone like that, tho.  There was one very nice, rich Vriginian widower that I corresponded with for quite a while.  His wife died of cancer.  He was a good email buddy during the time my dad was suffering so much w/ cancer.  Anyways, we lost touch.

Money doesn't make a person happy.  But it can make it a lot easier......

Jean

Monica >>Does that make me shallow and one of THOOOOOOOOOSE women?!?<<

Not IMHO. It makes you wise and realistic. Almost everyone would rather lead a comfortable life than scratching between sofa cushions to find enough money to tip the pizza delivery guy. What I hope I can avoid is making "comfortable stuff" my top priority (he who collects the most toys wins). I need to remind myself that physical comfort is only a start.

Monica,

I have to say that you are not shallow. When looking for a mate I think we all want to know what the other's expectations and goals in life are. If you feel that he is not making any effort in finding a job and supporting himself, what makes you think he will make an effort in supporting a relationship, especially when/if things get rough. The two are very realted in our minds. When someone has goals and ambition they seem ready to tackle life and all obsticles thrown at them. But if they are perceived as "lazy" well, they may be lazy in other aspects. That is not very appealing is it?

Another thing, my SIL is having problems in her marriage right now becuase she sees her husband as a homebody with no ambition. Since he does not want to be the Police Chief and is happy to be a detective she feels he is lazy. that is not true though. It's just that he is not as ambitious as she is and she perceives him as being weak and less than a man. It's hard to be with a man you view in this way, just as I am sure it is hard on him not living up to her expectations of him. She wants to leave the marriage because she says she wants more.

So you have to decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship. If that means "you have to have a J.O.B. to be with me", well then that is what you need! Nothing wrong with that

Carol~

Thanks for the responses, ya'll.

First let me say that I am ALL for, what in IL is called, TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families). I think that EVERYONE at some point needs a little boost - if only for a short time. I also believe it should be "temporary" and not a way of life... but I know that circumstances keep people trapped. Things come up, sh*t happens, I know we don't live in a perfect world, that's why there ARE programs like public aid.

MM - you hit the nail on the head! It IS about self-respect. I didn't even realize it until you said it. You win a gold star. It is a foreign concept to me to not want to work and pay my own way. That comes from my upbringing... Grandparents - both sets: one set German 'do what needs to be done and don't ask questions' the other set owned a mom & pop cafe for years and worked sun up to sun down. I don't know, I just like knowing that I don't rely on anyone or anything.

Jean - ((Jean)) He is the primary care giver to 2 kids 10 and 13, they go to public school. When I asked him, in a delicate way, about the job market in his area, the response was that it was so bad, why even look? Hmm. It's bad in this area of the state in general but there ARE jobs. The factory that he worked at was closed but almost 70% of the workers went to another NEW factory, same business as the shuttered one - he said himself that every other person on his line went to work at the new one. I should add that his ex-wife has moved around a lot finding great jobs to support herself and he BEGRUDGES her for making so much. That's odd.

Quinn - Cushion scratching... LOL... In his case, I think even the pizza delivery is out. They survive on TV dinners and frozen pizza. Ick. He made a point to tell me that everything at Aldi (the "stock up store!") is just as good as the brand name stuff. Well, good on you for being so frugal but there comes a point when frugality is not practical. ("I can't call you, you're long distance")

Carol - Your poor BIL! I think it's GREAT that someone is so happy in their current job that they don't want to "move up". Being happy in a job is worth more than any raise a new job could bring.

I guess I can't imagine someone NOT wanting to pay his/her own way... to do it on their own, that kind of thing. This issue hits sort of close to home because exH didn't want to find a GOOD job because he'd have to take a drug test, so he was content to work seasonal construction. UGH.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

<<When I asked him, in a delicate way, about the job market in his area, the response was that it was so bad, why even look?>>   Oh.  well.  Then I go with the MM's "self-respect" issue on this one.....

(TV dinners frugal?)

J

I'm imagining the ones from Aldi those Mama Whoever meals that are 79¢ each, that kind of thing. You're right though, at $3-$4 for the other kind, it's NOT frugal to eat that crap. For $10, you can have a REAL meal and maybe some leftovers.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

hi monica, what does he do during the day when the kids are at school, maybe he is using the time as the primary carer to focus on them, even though it is tough financially and he is dependent on 'welfare' etc.

maybe (if it is like here) even the smallest amount of extra income makes people lose their benefits, housing etc, so if he could work, then he would lose that, but not earn enough money to cover housing, medical, etc etc on any wage he could get.

it could be just a temporary thing for him, and he might have plans after the kids get older etc.

it is tough on welfare, in a way i would commend him (and any woman) who are able to do it, it can be very demoralising to provide a home in that circumstance and it does take a lot of hard work to keep ones head above water.

tv dinners, i had to laugh, i do that at times, when i get home from work, and i cant be bothered cooking a 'proper' meal, but at least the kids eat haha. i am also very conscious of trying to teach my boys how to cook basics so if they can do that for themselves later. maybe this guy never learnt the subtle art of cooking that us girls did, we know that fresh is best and cheaper but a lot of people, especially blokes just never learnt how to do that.

hgs to you
kath