I am officially separated with the intent to divorce. My H and I are still living in the same home but leading separate lives.

We had Thanksgiving dinner together with the kids and my mother. It was a pleasant day, but afterwards I felt pretty depressed. Knowing that I'll never have the kind of family holidays I hoped for is hard to accept. As far as I know my H will be here on Christmas Eve and Christmas day which I know will depress me to no end.

So, I am trying to come up with some plans for myself and kids that will help make the holidays happier and more meaningful. So far I have participated in some holiday giving programs at work and my kids' schools. I am taking my kids to a holiday concert this weekend. I have managed to decorate the house in the usual way and buy some gifts. I hope to take off the week between Christmas and New Year's and take my kids snow tubing, maybe a ski lesson, while they are out of school.

What kinds of things have people done after separation/divorce to start new traditions or just make themselves feel better?

Rosie, as you might have gathered over the years, I'm a little bit stoic and Spartan by nature. So I always had a problem with the way my ex and her father overdid Christmas in particular. So I try to make it more low-key.

With three rambunctious dogs, lots of decorations aren't really possible and a tabletop tree is the best kind. And the best gifts for teenage boys are green and white with numbers printed on them, and there's always room under the tree for a couple of envelopes...

Chris.

How about you and the kids volunteer at a shelter serving Christmas Dinner to those less fortunate. Nothing like that to teach your children the real value of Christmas and of giving. I always find when I do things for those less fortunate I realize just how fortunate I am!

Make your own traditions. Every year my ex and I would go out and select a tree, cut it down and there would be a whole big thing about putting it up, sticking it in the stand. Every year he swore and cursed and was all pissy about it.

My first Christmas alone I went and bought a fake Christmas Tree. It is 7 feet tall and looks very much like the real thing, but a more perfect version. I gave away most of my decorations to the Shelter for Abused Women and the Canadian Mental Health Association and I bought new ones. Basically got rid of all the memories and replaced them with my own.

Last year I wasn't in the mood so I just didn't put up a tree. That worked well for me then and I made it through the holidays. This year I have my fake tree all up and beautifully decorated already!!!

The hardest thing I find for me is waking up Christmas Morning and finding no presents under the tree and being all alone. Later in the day I go to my parents for dinner, but that still gives me alot of time to try and fill.....which isn't pleasant when you see all the families on your street gathered and having fun. The drive to my parents last year brought tears to my eyes.......every vehicle you pull up beside or pass or see has a family in it. You sort of feel like you are the only person in this world alone. I know it isn't true, but sometimes that realization hits hard.

Each year I get a little better during the holidays. There is just something about being alone and holidays that really depresses people even if their lives haven't been shattered.

We may feel alone but we are never too far from somebody's thoughts......we have each other on ADR.

Kid

Thanks to those that responded on this and the other thread.

I read in an advice column yesterday a letter from a family who lost their child in Iraq this year, and how the holidays and in fact their whole lives will never be the same. That really hit home for me and made me realize how much I have to be happy and grateful for. I'm going to focus on the good things I have in my life, and what I am striving for, rather than what I have lost.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

Love, Rosie

Rosie, sometimes it takes a story like that to put out own lives in perspective, doesn't it?

At work every year, we adopt a family and buy them Christmas gifts. This year, we got a family of four - three boys under 8 and a single mom. The social service agency that matches the families with the Santas puts together a list of their wants. On the Mom's list was pans and gloves. On the boys' lists, there were about 3 toys and then gloves, socks, pants, etc. There was a note that Mom was out of work because she was recovering from surgery for cancer. WOW. They weren't asking for PlayStations or Wii systems. They're asking for clothing! And mom... she wants pans and gloves?! Mom can't even be thankful for her health! Reading their lists made me unbelievably sad and feel incredibly grateful.

When I think in terms of what I have versus what I don't have - I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

Last year we inspected a shelter here in town for children that have been taken from bad homes. There were 6 kids there and they had Christmas at the shelter. I felt really sad for them and I wanted to see if this year the guys at the FD would like to talk with the shelter about bringing the kids to the engine house for Christmas dinner and open some presents. Unfortunatly due to all the other drama going on in my life this year, I forgot. But thanks to Monica's post, it's not to late. Hopefully we can still get something done this year. It is the season of giving and I have been taking to much.

BS

I read this today and thought it might be helpful to anyone having a difficult time getting through the holidays.

What to Do When the Holidays Trigger Your Feelings of Loss (author unknown)


If you've experienced a difficult loss this year or in recent years--a death in the family, an illness, a divorce, a job loss, a natural disaster or a combination of losses--you may find the holidays retrigger your feelings of loss.

In fact, you may be surprised by the depth of your emotions, the clarity of your memories, the details you recall, and how quickly you are taken back to your original loss. The flashes may happen so rapidly that they catch you off guard.

Although you may want these memories to go away, there's really no way to stop them. They are coming to you as a natural part of your healing/grieving process. As each memory comes to mind, they are giving you an important opportunity to feel the emotions you may not have been able to process earlier in your journey. Although it can be difficult, the more you can feel your emotions, the sooner you will move through and beyond your grief.

Whether you are experiencing your first holiday season without a loved one, your home, or your health, you are likely to face situations that bring up old memories and remind you, in no uncertain terms, that your life has changed.

Unfortunately, there's really no way to rewind your life to get it back how it was. There's no way to regain your normal life. There's also no way to ignore what you are feeling.

The only way to navigate this difficult, emotional time is to be very clear about what you need during this season.

1) How do you want to feel? Do you want to reflect? Escape? Remember? Forget?

2) What do you need this season? Do you want time alone? Do you want to spend time with friends? Do you want to get out of town?

3) How can you take care of yourself? Do you need rest? Do you need to spend time in nature? Do you need a quiet day? Do you need to spend time with others of your faith?

4) What rituals can you create to honor your loss and help you move into the future? Is there a poem that speaks to you? Is there a song that soothes you or inspires you? Is there a place you'd like to visit to remember?

As you move through the holidays, take time to check in with yourself each day. Sense what you need for yourself each day....each hour....each minute. As you reconnect with your true needs, trust what you feel. Trust yourself to know what you need in any given situation.

Even if you can't act on your needs in the moment, honor your needs enough to recognize and acknowledge how you feel. When you are faced with a similar situation or similar feelings in the future, you will have more knowledge about your own needs. With this new information about yourself, you'll be better able to create circumstances that will work for you.

For example, if you want to spend some time alone this holiday, be true to yourself and create a way to do just that. It's perfectly natural to want to hibernate during this time to feel your emotions in a safe environment. Perhaps you set aside a day for yourself when it doesn't impact time with your loved ones. Or you might feel that the usual holiday festivities are just too much for you. If there's a way, you might want to make other plans or limit the amount of time you spend at the big event.

Even though it may feel foreign, ask those around you for what you need. It's true that some may not understand your request. They may find strength and normalcy when they are surrounded by traditional activities and other people. Others will understand you and support you in what you need. Do what you can to create the circumstances that will be best for you.

For instance, if you can't figure out a way to stay away from the family gathering all together, see what you can do to limit your stay or take on a task (peeling the potatoes or washing the dishes) that helps you avoid the frenzy of activity.

If you must attend the festivities, plan some quiet time for yourself before the event or plan a special day for yourself before or after with the goal of doing what you need to take care of yourself.

Be gentle with yourself as you move through the holidays this year. Honor your needs and you will find a new source of peace within yourself.