Hi everyone, particularly the older members who may remember me from several years ago.
I WAS the BS, dday was in June 2000. We perservered (well I think I did anyway lol) and I finally called it quits in about December 2005 - he tried to commit suicide in the house we were all sleeping, my daughter and I saved his life....and that was the final straw for me in emotional blackmail and sickness on his part that he refused to deal with honestly. Have been separated since then. Child access orders are in place, the property settlement is but a few weeks from finalisation, which then leaves divorce and I will be applying for that very shortly.
I wanted to offer you all support and encouragement. Life does exist after separation. The further I have moved away from separation, the more clearly I can see how destructive our marriage was for me. When you're in the thick of it, you think it's all you have and it must work at all costs. Some things are too broken to fix. Some spouses can't be anything except selfish and it's best to accept them at face value for that. Anybody who is truly committed to change and doing the work required WILL DO IT willingly. You don't have to ask, beg, request, threaten....if they 'get' it, then they'll do what's required. Like most of us have tried. It takes self-awareness and emotional awareness to admit shortcomings and be prepared to change....you can't talk or convince somebody into self or emotional awareness. They either get it or they don't.
By excising myself from a poisonous relationship - and it was the hardest thing I had to do, to walk away from somebody I loved, particularly when they had just tried to kill themself...but I knew that if I did not 'choose me' at that point in time, I would have died myself in the near future. He almost destroyed me. Almost.
Fast-forward 15-16 months. He is doing OK I think, hasn't learnt a lesson, still uses the same old dynamic with me and hasn't realised yet that it doesn't work - it never worked - he just isn't emotionally aware enough to figure it out still and I don't care any more because that's his problem....I have met a wonderful man (he's not the first man I have dated) and is amazing. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, the greatest mother, precious, cherished, and he cares what I think about him...I am that important in his world.
I am grateful for being brought to this point in my life. I appreciate the angel who loves me unreservedly. I trust again. I am rediscovering the joys of not having a betrayal clouding every thought or dream. I am amazed at the ability of a person to place a great deal of trust and admiration in me.
If it can happen to me, a 41 year old broekn mother of 3 children, who has survived a cheating and abusive husband, who was left alone with the financial burden when he just left me to deal with it all....and I'm still standing...and have found the love of a truly special man....then anybody can do it.
I asked FR (Gillian) for permission to repost her note here because I think it's one of the "TEN BEST" posts I've ever read about personal healing.
I especially like, value, and agree with these comments:
>> Life does exist after separation. The further I have moved away from separation, the more clearly I can see how destructive our marriage was for me. When you're in the thick of it, you think it's all you have and it must work at all costs. Some things are too broken to fix. Some spouses can't be anything except selfish and it's best to accept them at face value for that. Anybody who is truly committed to change and doing the work required WILL DO IT willingly. You don't have to ask, beg, request, threaten....if they 'get' it, then they'll do what's required. Like most of us have tried. It takes self-awareness and emotional awareness to admit shortcomings and be prepared to change....you can't talk or convince somebody into self or emotional awareness. They either get it or they don't.<<
I would add only that it sometimes takes quite a while to figure out if someone really "gets it", and sometimes takes quite a while longer to figure out what to do if they don't.
Yes Chris, it does to take a while to see if someone 'gets' it.
Firstly, it's because the wounded person is not coming from a self-confident or secure position. They have had the rug pulled out from underneath them....we all know that utter devastation and confusion....our partner and life is NOT what we thought it was. How can we possibly make a sound assessment when our immediate need is to survive the pain. I remember trying to tell my exH once that I felt like I was emotionally haemorraghing (sp. sorry) to death. The pain was just leaking out of my broken heart and spirit. I was too busy trying to stem that bleeding to think clearly about what an affair meant.
Secondly, the cheater has become adept at lying and being able to not face problems honestly. If they were able to do that, they wouldn't be in an affair. I don't know anybody, reconciled or not, with their OP or not, who in hindsight thinks an affair is a terrific way to deal with anything. I do know WS's who are horrified at what they've done and can turn things around. But for those of us who didn't reconcile, we weren't married to one of them.
At the beginning of the year, I had a coffee with my exH. He was pretty angry about how things had ended between us more than a year earlier...and I could have handled some things differently. I can acknowledge that to him. I can cry in his presence for the sorrow I carry in wishing I had done things differently and the pain I caused him.....yet those things were nowhere near the pain and devastation he caused me. All he could see was his pain, his hurt, his wounds. When I asked him where his tears for me were for the devastation he caused me...he just looked at me blankly. He doesn't have that remorse. And that was a big pointer to him 'not getting it'.
We can all make dreadful mistakes....but I think true empathy is not possible for some people. That is scary. I don't want to be married to somebody like that.
I'm probably too late to catch you, FR but .... 'member me?
Do you remember when people used to write things like "I could have written your post"? Well ... I could have written your post. I'm convinced that I too extricated myself from a relationship that had become poisonous. I knew that I wouldn't be able to find the antedote.
The last time I spoke with my X, she explained to me that some day, I would come to realize that I had made a big mistake (by divorcing her). I decided not to respond but her comment did confirm that, for me, divorce (sadly) was the right thing.
