>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
An annual study in the UK by management consultants Grant Thornton estimates the main causes of divorce based on surveys of matrimonial lawyers.[11]

The main causes in 2004 (2003) were:

* Extramarital affairs - 27% (29%)
* Family strains - 18% (11%)
* Emotional/physical abuse - 17% (10%)
* Mid-life crisis - 13% (not in 2003 survey)
* Addictions, e.g. alcoholism and gambling - 6% (5%)
* Workaholism - 6% (5%)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>the percentage of all marriages that eventually end in divorce peaked in the United States at about 41% around 1980, and has been slowly declining ever since, standing by 2002 at around 31%.<<

>>Pollster Lewis Harris in his 1987 book "Inside America" wrote that "the idea that half of American marriages are doomed is one of the most specious pieces of statistical nonsense ever perpetuated in modern times."<<

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce

100% of my marriages have ended in divorce. (I'm hoping to get that down to 50% someday.)

Chris.

Interesting.

Main causes huh?

Well, I had the extramarital A against me so 27%, he had an addiction or two so 6%, the workaholism of 6%, and together that makes at least 39%. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, now lets add in the fact that we have a child with a disability and were married to the military, both of which have VERY high divorce rates, so does that bring me up to about 100% divorce rate? I was fighting against hopeless odds!!!

Charlie

Charlie - you may be right about "hopeless odds". No doubt it was an uphill battle, statistically speaking. I don't need to tell you that children put a strain on any marriage, especially if they have a disability (bless their hearts). Still, I doubt that a child with a disability can hold a candle to an affair (when it comes to flushing a marriage down the toilet).

Chris - I'm batting a thousand myself, as you know. I can see myself getting my average down to 50% or 33% or even 25% but I can't quite figure out how to get to 75% without (a) converting to Islam AND (b) going completely bonkers. Come to think of it, I'd be a raving lunatic waaaaay before getting down to 25%.

Just start bumping them off and you can achieve any percentage you want.....LoL

Jordan

Children make great life jackets.

I was thinking that 33% would require two more wives and no divorces. Sounds a bit Islamic, or you'd have to move to Southern Utah and start marrying young cousins.

Chris.

"Still, I doubt that a child with a disability can hold a candle to an affair (when it comes to flushing a marriage down the toilet)."

Q

I would tend to agree with you but his A did not end our marriage, it was the constant lies or inability to be honest with me.

Charlie

>>I would tend to agree with you but his A did not end our marriage, it was the constant lies or inability to be honest with me<<

I hear ya, Charlie.

In some ways, the affair is simply a "trigger" for dishonesty. There are other triggers, I suppose. An affair is as good as any of'm but maybe no better.

Wouldn't you say it's hard for those numbers to really accurately reflect anything definitively. Often times while adultery occurs before a divorce, the marriage already died from another cause before the adultery... like my wife was a skank... just as a hypothetical example LOL!

When I first arrived here back during the Hoover Administration (Seems like), I had read that 70% of marriages experiencing infidelity recovered. What I learned since that time was who the hell came up with that number? Bizarro Superman?

I wonder if they just use the divorce filing paperwork to assemble the stats.

Of course if someone asked me face to face, even in a relatively anonymous survey, I would never attribute my divorce to infidelity.

But I really don't anyway. Yes, my ex-wife cheated on me. No, that was not the reason we separated and ultimately divorced (5 years later).

So even though my marriage was affected by infidelity, I would never say that was the primary reason for divorce. I can think of others here who might say the same thing for their own reasons. So even among the divorces of people on these boards, probably a fairly high percentage might not be attributed to a partner's infidelity.

Chris.

It becomes a what came first the chicken or the egg arguement for me.

Chris, do you really believe you and your wife would be seperated now even if there was no infidelity?

I think that whenever there is a major crisis or stress during a marriage how people deal with it can make or break the relationship. It seems to bring out both the best and worst in people. Having a child with a disability is a huge, chronic lifetime stressor and I believe more than 80% of marriages do not survive it, same for parents of children with serious illnesses, such as cancer. What I have seen in my own experience is that most of the parents I know are single parents, but the ones that are married really look like they have great marriages. They are the ones that communicate with each other and still make times for their families, rather than running away from the problems.

There are some people who have affairs that seem to do so just because they can, but for others it is more complicated than that. In my case, I do think the stress of having a child with a disability made my H turn away from the marriage and family in many ways to escape the pain. For me, I handled my grief by spending huge amounts of time and energy on trying to find ways of helping my son get better. If we had been able to share the burden of seeking help for our son, I think I would have had more time to help my H. I don't really know what he needed from me as he has never said he wished I had done anything different. These are our coping styles for stress, very common in a marriage that one person becomes obsessesed with the issue and the other escapes. But it ends up killing the relationship.

In our case, we also dealt with his affair the same way, I spent all my free time researching affairs and means to recover, while my H tried to ignore the whole thing in the hopes it would go away. Same with our financial issues, etc. etc. Had we been able to come together and both address the issues in ways that supported each other, I don't think we would be getting a divorce. But these major issues really highlighted our differences, and now I can see that we have the same difficulties with every problem, large or small.

It is really easy to get along and have fun with people when life is good. When there are serious problems is when you really know what people are made of. Like the term "fairweather friends", you often learn who your true friends are in a time of crisis. I lost several friendships when my son was diagnosed, people who couldn't handle having a "defective" kid around, and at the same time realized how wonderfully kind and supportive other friends could be. I also lost a friendship when I revealed my H had an affair, I guess she didn't want her marriage to "catch" the infidelity virus. No great loss I know but had these things not happened I probably would still be "friends" with these people.

I agree that the problems in my marriage and our incompatibility are far more than my son's disability or the affair. Had we not had these crises I don't know that the problems would have been large enough to cause us to split. So I guess I would say the affair was a catalyst but like Chris I was more than willing to try to reconcile but the greater issues prevented that. I don't think the affair is the reason why I am getting divorced either, but I don't know that I would be getting divorced if my H hadn't had an affair.

Rosie

Kid,

Most likely. Remember, the affair happened while we were in joint counseling.

Chris.