I have gone out on 2 dates recently. I have told Cyn we are done as far as I am concerned and she needs to move on. I am not making anything a secret, so is this bad or good?
Just my two cents, but instead of throwing yourself into another relationship with baggage that won't even fit in a suitcase, perhaps taking some "time out" and working on you so that you have something concrete and healthy to offer a future partner may be a better plan.
Ever heard the expression....jumping out of the pot and into the fire.
Emotionally healthy stable individuals attract the same. People with baggage, in my experience, tend to attract others with baggage.
What does your counsellor say?
Another of my favorite expressions is "your not ready to leave a relationship until you can walk out the door instead of run"
I don't know if this is bad or good for you, but I can see that you've been in a lot of pain and Cyn has been in a lot of pain. And you want to share your pain with the OM. Is this really a good time for you to be dating?
If you have any thoughts of staying with Cyn, then stop the dating.
Jordan- are you wanting to end your marriage with Cyn? Then end it. Don't play a passive-aggressive game of "Look Cyn, see what I'm doing? Are you in more pain now?"
That won't work. Cyn can't be made to feel the pain you have felt. It doesn't work that way.
What can work? IF (and I mean IF) you want to stay with Cyn, stop expecting her to cater to your anger. You need to see her actions during the A as a statement about herself at the time it occurred, and NOT a statement about your worth.
Jordan, you did nothing to deserve this.
Do you believe this? It is completely true.
I want to tell you something else that is also true.
Cyn has done nothing to deserve your abusive behavior.
What she has done is betray you. If she wants to stay with you, she has the option of listening to your hard questions and doing her best to respond to everything you ask. She must agree to be completely honest with you.
If you are both wanting to continue, you both need to see a marriage counselor.
End of story.
I hope, sincerely, that your story ends happily. But that requires a lot of hard work in your relationship (on both parts).
Jordan,
Morning----------I was just wondering how you were and how things were going with your wife. You responded to my post questioning staying or going, I see you have made a decision. You ask if dating is good or bad, emotionally I think a little more "Jordan time" may be a good idea. LEGALLY, have you check with a lawyer, can she use YOUR dating against you in the divorce?
You talk about your job, please be careful in the choices you make. Firemaen LOVE what they do and the idea of "just" applying some where else isn't possible ( I am not sure how old you are)....do you want to lose this also?
I am certainly no expert but I do understand your pain and I know how much you have already lost. Don't let everything that has happened and what is happening take more from you.
Linda
This message has been edited by 2107linda on Sep 14, 2007 9:06 AM
Cyndee,
I suggested checking with a lawyer--NOT to start things but as a thought for both of you. The affair, the dates, is there not enough already going on in your lifes?? Do you really want to complicate a divorce and the decisions that need to be made?
I understand Jordan's pain and oddly I understand yours. The is no winner in this and in my situation I try to understand that I have been with this man for some 30 odd years and I owe it to me to see where we are going. FOR ME, I don't see the value in bringing in more people or emotions. I don't know what I want let alone bring in new feelings.
Everyday is a new day and I hope that you and Jordan can work this out without more pain than both of you are already feeling. (No matter what the end result is) I know in my case my husband is hurting like me------we are both hurting from different wounds.
Having been there, I found my own answer to this question just as you're going to have to find yours:
Why stay with someone who makes it clear in so many ways that he or she doesn't want to be with you?
That's a universal question, applicable to both WS and BS of both genders...anyone whose spouse is very clear about not wanting to be together anymore.
This is not a popular opinion on this site, but I formed it after my very first consultation with a divorce lawyer: in my state, a marriage is over when one party says it is. Period. End of story. Everything else is just paperwork.
I know the bitterness of being rejected, and so I won't criticize your post above. But if your H says it's time to move on, it's probably time to move on. There are many of us on the site who are divorced, and if you need help getting through that I suspect many will be willing to help as much as we can.
Linda - i said what i said because i found what your comment to be very helful on any thoughts i may have in the future. or should i say any thoughts i might have to face.
Chris - unfortunately, i know.... it very well looks like i/we will be facing that.
last night with jordan was very eventful for me. not in a good or exciting way either. he needs help and it is more than i can even begin to think i could help him with. he won't see a therapist. he doesn't want to face the fact that people love him (besides our son) and that he would be very missed if he left this universe. (unfortunately i'm sure you guys know what i'm talking about) he is scaring me to no end. he comes here for your insight..... please guys, talk to him please.
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
(Erich Fromm)
Cyndee, if he is threatening harm to himself or others, your state may have a law that allows temporary commitment by a family member. He didn't answer my question about going off the meds...is that the case?
Chris - no he isn't off his meds. he just doesn't care anymore about anyone or anything besides his son (and i know his daughters) and his job - he'll outright say that and has. i don't know what to do. he doesn't walk around in a depressed state like he had early in on after dday. i want him to stop going out but to him that is me telling him what to do and he won't have any of that. i told him this morning that he needed help. basically his response was - nothing.
thanks for responding.... i'll let ya know how things are.
cyndee
Read what you wrote again. I don't think the issue is that Jordan "doesn't care about anyone or anything". I think he has been very clear, especially so if he's still on his meds.
I've been where you are. My ex-wife made clear in a thousand ways that she cared about the kids and her job but not me. I just didn't want to see it.
My mother-in-law took her life. Early one Suday morning I answered the phone and listened while the police told me what she had done and that she was dead. The shock was indescribable. I started shaking and couldn't stop. Then I had to go upstairs and wake my husband and tell him his mother was dead and give him the details. Let me tell you firsthand, the pain of losing a loved one to suicide ranks right up there with affair pain. For my husband, this is a pain that will never go away and it will haunt him forever. He was an adult when this happened. I know you love your kids. Don't do this to them. Don't inflict that kind of raw pain you have been dealing with on your kids. PLEASE, get help immediately. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them.
Chris... i understand what you are saying, i do.... but here is exactly what i said in above statement:
"he just doesn't care anymore about anyone or anything besides his son (and i know his daughters) and his job - he'll outright say that and has."
HE will tell you that.. i DO realize how he feels about me, even though i usually try to deny it to myself. HE will tell you himself that he gives a damn about whether or not he lives or not - had it not been for our son, he would 'have' already. sad to say,... but, true chris. and THAT is what it scary.
There is so much addressed on this thread - it's overwhelming.
I wanted to comment on this::
"Now his ass is no better than mine......"IMHO".
This comment (and ones like it) have been discussed at length over time by me and many other members.
My general take on it is that leveling the playing field is not quite that simple and easy.
J,
Perhaps for you right now, attempting to move into a brand new relationship would be like going from one room to another room in a burning house. Maybe in time all the dust will settle and you will find the capacity to work on all your repairs enough to make a fresh decision about your future direction.
