I have a coffee date tomorrow..... la la la la laaa laaaaaa......
It's an eharmony.com thing. We've been writing for about 6 weeks or so. He's a writer, and we talk about some writing things, and he's a gentleman, from what I can gather from the emails and phone calls. Now this guy I really want to meet -- I mean, I think I'm taken with him a little bit.... But I know that the first meeting could change that.
Well, I liked his smile as soon as I walked in. And then we talked for about 1-1/2 hours in front of a fire at the coffeehouse. He walked me to my car afterward and I held out my hand and thanked him for the coffee. But then he looked like he might give me a little kiss, but I wasn't sure about that so I sort of leaned in for a hug..... And then he asked me "if we could talk again."
But now...... Now I'm thinking, maybe he said that bit about talking again because he didn't want to seem rude and he really has no intentions of calling me. Hmmmm.... Then again, if he didn't seem interested, why did we talk so long and why did he try to kiss me? Gosh, I'd like him to call, but I'm trying not to think about it, in case he doesn't. All my other dates (okay, what, 4 in the last 3 years?), I didn't care for and really didn't care if they called. But I'd really like this one to!
Good for you. I think if you talked that long, there must have been some sort of connection - whatever that is. Hope it turns out to be a good relationship.
I can't speak for all men, only for myself, I consider myself a gentleman, and a gentle man. First of all I would not have spent an hour and a half talking and then asked to talk again if I wasn't interested in the person.
Have no expectations, but my gut tells me he finds you interesting, be that in a romantic or friendship way I can't possibly know. I know that answer still leaves you hanging in limbo in one sense, but like everything else, friendship or more takes time.
...when it comes to men. He hasn't called or emailed. And he was the only one that I've gone out with like this that I kind of liked.
Ah, well. I'm too tired right now to be disappointed too much. Work is crazy, schoolwork is crazy, and then there is this relentlessmarchtowardChristmas. If it weren't for my daughter who still "wants to believe," I'd postpone the holiday for about a week.
He emailed me last night and said he enjoyed our time together and ... (there ya go, Dave) ... he said he's been crazy busy with work because everyone is trying to get projects finished before taking off for the holidays.
Okay now friends.... what do I do now? Honestly, this is the first time this has happened -- mutual intererst -- since, um.... the fateful year of 1988 when I met the man I later married. That's almost 20 years! I just feel like "hmmm... imagine that." I've met a man in the flesh and he still wants to see me again. He's nuts, I tell you.
It would be nice to see him again and get to know him better, but I'm so busy at the moment with all the stuff mentioned above. Maybe he feels the same way? Maybe that's why he waited 3 days to email, because he wants to take it slow, too, and here I was already thinking he wasn't interested.
"I've met a man in the flesh and he still wants to see me again. He's nuts, I tell you."
Okay Jean, I'm giving you the 2 x 4 Stop belittling yourself. I'm sure he sees the many wonderful qualities about you. We've seen your gift for communication and I know you have a lot to offer the right guy. Give yourself a break.
"It would be nice to see him again and get to know him better, but I'm so busy at the moment with all the stuff mentioned above."
Jean, sometimes we have to make sacrifices to have someone great in our lives. Don't make excuses why you can't. That is pushing someone away when you had an interest in him. He could be really great and then maybe he won't be, but you won't know until you give him a chance.
"Maybe that's why he waited 3 days to email, because he wants to take it slow, too, and here I was already thinking he wasn't interested."
I always thought that too when someone wouldn't call right away. I liked the ones who called right away better because they weren't going by some stupid time table and didn't care what others thought but, that said, some men just think it's the right thing to do to wait 3 days. Some men's magazines actually tell them to - dumb I think. Give it a chance Jean, I actually regreted (not now) not going out with one man more than twice a couple years ago.
Jean, why not keep a conversation going by email through the holidays? Surely there's some thread from your in-person conversation that you would like to follow up on.
Email is not a bad way to get to know people or to keep in touch. I have some very good friends all over the US "in real life" I met and got to know that way.
Jean, sometimes we have to make sacrifices to have someone great in our lives. Don't make excuses why you can't.
Maybe what I was saying wasn't coming across too well. Maybe I'm not sure what I was trying to say. You may not remember, but my former husband was a workaholic and sexually anorexic with me -- three months into our marriage (early 1995) he began turning his head when I would attempt to kiss him so that I'd kiss his cheek. So when I say I am not used to a man's attention and mutual affection, I mean I have not had that in what feels like eons.
So I prefer that we take it slow. And actually I do usually prefer email to phones, until I get to know someone really well, because I don't have to time my conversations so that little ears aren't hovering around or snickering isn't erupting in the background. :-b I would actually prefer we continue emailing about as much as we did (which was taking turns almost every day), maybe meet up for another coffee before Christmas, and then maybe have a real date after Christmas, if we're both still interested. That's what would be comfortable for me.
Now that my knee has healed from the sprain, I'm back to 40 min. of walking about 5 times a week, and now I've got some more inspiration to get back in shape.
Jean
This message has been edited by Jean150 on Dec 13, 2007 1:26 PM
The inspiration for getting in shape should be coming from inside you because you want to, not to please somebody else.
Obviously he likes you just the way you are.
Taking it slow is always best. With the busy holiday season I think you will find that you will both be busy. He is being honest with you and that's a good thing. He seems as busy as you right now so keep the email thing going and don't fret about the details. If this is meant to be they will work themselves out with good communication and honesty.
This reminds me of someone on another site who has communicated with an artist which shares the mutual interest of painting. She's hoping soon she can show him her Klimpt.
Chris, I still check up on everyone here. It is nice to be here without any personal pain so much unlike when I first arrived. Things aren't exciting or wonderful for me professionally, financially, nor socially but I still feel good anyway.
Naturally I enjoy seeing posts from someone like Jean who is finding some reasons to smile in her day.
>>Things aren't exciting or wonderful for me professionally, financially, nor socially but I still feel good anyway.<<
I have definitely been in that exact place, Moe. It was the most amazing thing, to come out the other side, having let go of all the hurt, frustration, and anger.
Wasn't it great Chris? There was a confrontation last summer where I got to say a lot of things I had needed to say for almost 2 years, but other than that I couldn't even tell anyone how I broke through to the other side. Time? More important things to worry about?
In spite of dipping my toe in... okay I dove into dating. Had some great times and experienced some things I never thought I'd ever experience but I learned I am just not into it for the time being. Still I do love to see others taking that step.
I did the same thing Moe....tried to dive in head first and did a belly flop. Taking time for me is more important than any potential relationship. By focusing on me I've given myself a wonderful gift and if and when I meet Mr. Right hopefully I'll know. Until then I'm okay just being me.
That's it for me Chris. I just don't feel that I have anything to offer someone right now and I don't say that with self-pity or anything, but it does take being more than just a swell guy.
But one thing I have learned over the past couple of years is that while people tell other people "it's too soon" or "you're not ready", I am of the belief that you do need to at least get out there and experience. It's not the best thing to learn on your own how ready you are, when you aren't, and when you are. But it's like anything, you need to learn by the experience. Someone you really like will know when you're not ready. You'll probably even break it off with someone you really like because you may not feel ready. You'll have dates where you don't feel chemistry, they don't feel chemistry, or it'll be mutual.
Then some people just get hit by lightning without expecting it or even looking for it right out of the gate.
So enjoy Jean. I remember your story and what you went through. Enjoy those butterflies. Have some fun, be safe, and sooner (hopefully) or later you'll wonder why you even felt so terribly when you went through what it was that brought you here.
Moe, I posted almost those exact words a couple of years ago and I got set straight. Even so, it took months for me to wrap my head around the idea that there are things about me that I don't always see or particularly value and that those are the very things that someone might cherish.
In other words, I was focused on my perceived (actual) weaknesses or deficits instead of my natural strengths. I had a long mental list of things I didn't have, couldn't afford, and wouldn't get in life.
Once I turned my focus to my strengths and assets, I was able to be strong and confident enough to write down my expectations from a relationship. Now, I know that sounds pretty "yuppie-business-type A". But it's quite the opposite. Letting go of what I used to have and what I (thought I wanted and) couldn't have allowed me to see the things that would lead me to some real happiness. And now that I know for sure what I want in a partner, I am able to say those things clearly...and to see them clearly as well.
This is the long way around to my advice.
In order to be ready to offer myself to someone, I had to silence the internal critic and stop being focused on the collection of "things I am not". And I had to know and understand the qualities that are essential in a new partner. I think it takes both.
Great points Chris, and others have tried to explain that exact same thing to me. I guess that outlines what my next step in my personal life is. To get to the point you described. I had broken it off with more than one that tried to explain what it was about me they wanted and all those things I perceived as you said... what I didn't have, what I'll never have... none of those mattered. My response was that I can't be ready until those things don't matter to me.
Chris, I couldn't agree with you more. I think all of us have revealing qualities and all of us have non-revealing qualities. Focusing on only the bad seems silly to me. I think that in every marriage or relationship, you will not like things about that other person and you'll like things about them. To me, if you don't feel ready then perhaps you shouldn't but when you date or not seems like a very personal choice.
"Taking time for me is more important than any potential relationship"
Kid, I understand you there. I also feel that taking some time for me and doing things with my friends is still important too even though I'm dating someone exclusively. Today my neighbor and I (another divorced mom who's been through far worse than me) and our kids are doing something together all day. I thinks it's important to get time to myself even when I'm in a relationship.
"Naturally I enjoy seeing posts from someone like Jean who is finding some reasons to smile in her day." Thank you, Moe. However, if I were waiting for the attentions of a man in order to smile I would be one sour, sour woman. That's too much power handed over to someone else. I may be reading too much into your comment, tho.
And yet.... there is a difference .... I have had plenty of reasons to smile -- mostly because of my kids. But while having them as my #1 priority, I've forgotten about what it's like to be a woman, in relation to a man. The ancient mysteries of the yin and yang.... captivation, enthrallment, ravishment ....
I don't know how much I smiled during out date, because I was freakin' nervous. :-b
But we've continued to email in an easy way. Neither of us has mentioned yet when we'd like to meet again. I'm suspecting it will be sometime after Christimas, after family obligations have died down. It's okay. I mentioned that I wanted to take it slow, and I think he does, too. Either that, or he's letting me down easy! Ha ha.
Well Kid, I take an occasional bike ride by myself or go to the gym (yep, finally got back) and I certainly spend enough time studying by myself that when I'm not doing any of the things above, I don't find I need more personal time. I enjoy being with people. I've always been that way. When you have children and are dating someone, you have very little time to spend with your SO alone as it is, so I really want to spend that time with him.
Stop belittling yourself. I'm sure he sees the many wonderful qualities about you. We've seen your gift for communication and I know you have a lot to offer the right guy. Give yourself a break.