I just had one of the most upsetting telephone calls ever -- to my sister (all my siblings are older than me).  Yes, I placed the call, because I wanted to ask if she had heard from my elderly mother lately (as my mom hadn't returned a couple phone calls lately).  Sometimes we call each other when that happens.

Well, we got to talking.  Bad mistake.  I hadn't talked to her on the phone for 10-12 months at least, because she just says the most amazingly pompous and gall-ish things.  I've visited her sevaral times at family gathering within that time frame, but of course, she's polite there. 

So she starts in about how said she's had a "bad feeling," about my son for quite a while now.  Then she hemmed and hawed and had me playing 20 questions and defending myself about how I'm raising him.  I told her about all the activities he's in but according to her it's not the right activities.   She mentioned about how he doesn't have a male role model in the home, and how I've often said he is "sweet" or  "compassionate" and how I've said he took care of me for months when I was living on the living room floor with a ruptured disk, unable to get up.  I asked her what she was getting at -- she says "well, you know, these are critical years...."

Let me just say that she lives about 5 miles away from me and never once did she offer to come help me and my kids while I was in so much pain.  And this isn't for lack of my asking nicely.  Who the hell did she think was going to step up to the plate and take care of me when I couldn't move if it wasn't my son????   She's never offered to help me in any way, even though I helped her with babysitting and cleaning many times.  In fact, it was another sister who lives 60 miles away who had to call her to persuade her to drive me to urgent care once for the pain, as no one else was available.  

She said that now is the age where he should be getting antagonistic toward me as his mother.  What the hell????  Her 3 sons may have been, but my son isn't.   Sure, he's 12, and I've had to deal with some attitude issues, but he's certainly not antagonistic.  And even if he were, what business is it of hers???  So I said, what, you think he's going to be gay?  She wouldn't come right out and say that, but she's said she's "been concerned about his for a while now." 

Then she goes on to say "how wonderful" it is that the ex takes the children every other weekend..... that it's good that he's in their life -- and so I started in on how that is a mixed blessing, as he'll take them, but he usually isn't emotionally present with them during the weekend, how he doesn't involve himself in any of their activities, how both of my children have asked why he doesn't do things with them and how this really hurts the both of them....  and how he's had legal trouble that has made me leery of him with the kids.  She says something like, "ah, yes, we all have our problems," and crap like "you can't blame him for how he was raised," so I proceeded to tell her what was going on 1-2 years ago with the charges that were brought against him, because I never told her.   I should have kept my mouth shut.  Her response was, "sounds like he needs a lot of prayer." 

Well...don't we all.   How pious of her. 

Stupid, stupid me.  I felt I was defending myself to a hissing snake.  Even after working out on the treadmill, I can still feel my anger -- and part of that anger is at myself for being drawn into the whole mess.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Jean

Learned a lesson? I have a brother in law like your sister, with whom I just don't engage, even though it has taken me 25 years to learn.

Repeat after me: "I appreciate your concern." "Thank you for your concern." "I hadn't thought of that. I'll need some time to think about it."

Chris.

I think why this bothers me so much is because I would like to have a good relationship with her.  The rest of my family lives out of town or out of state.  I think family is important and it is good to help one another and be kind.  But it just seems that no matter what I do, it's not the right thing in her eyes.  I have never ask her for her opinion, but she is always certain to give it to me when she has the chance, and I can't recall it ever being nice. 

Yes, I have learned my lesson, Chris.  I had learned it before, but then a year went by and I guess I forgot, so here I am, learning it the hard way again. 

It really is sad.  I just don't know what else I can do about this, except to keep my mouth shut around her.

Jean

Jean,

I have a brother who can be a raging maniac. One day I was helping him move some furniture and he got upset with me because as we were setting a large, heavy television on a cabinet, it wasn't centered. He got so mad at me, he shoved me out the door of his house and slammmed the door in my face. Did I learn?
NOOOO! The next year, I helped him paint his house.


But this year, I've learned that some people have some real toxic issues. And they take them out on family.

If they can't be nice, or moderately supportive- screw 'em. And I mean that in the nicest way.

TLMM

WOW! What a tremendous amount of support from your sis... not.

My Dad left for good when my little brother was 6 weeks old - he has NEVER lived with our father... and only my brother and his friends for male influence. They were teenagers, too - and ours was the fun house where all of our friends hung out. When my little brother was 13, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. My Mom had called ahead to the school counselor and warned them, before she started chemo. Fast forward 6 months. This otherwise typical teenager waited on my Mom hand and foot, never, EVER talked back, and acted like an adult all of the time he was in the house. He had been talking back, acting up, doing all the things 13 year old boys do, BEFORE she got sick. That all stopped the minute she needed him. (It started right back up, after she was well!) To say that my little brother (and your son) might be gay because they don't talk back and are caring, compassionate humans is really crazy.

We all know when our parents have had enough. I suspect your son knew that you were down for the count and didn't want to push it. Not to start a debate, but I personally feel like sexual orientation is determined by other factors than not talking back, being a sensitive child, or anything else your sister implied.

Chris gave wonderful advice - my favorite line is, "I appreciate your concern" (which I still say to my Mom when she's being motherly!)

Monica

"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"

MM -- and I mean that in the nicest way -- ha ha -- thanks for putting a smile on my face.

To say that my little brother (and your son) might be gay because they don't talk back and are caring, compassionate humans is really crazy.     Thank you, Monica.  I thought it was completely nuts, also. 

In fact, I woke up this morning and thought yes, that phone call was truly nuts.  So much for opening myself up for chit-chat with my sister.  I now remember why I stayed away for a year.

 I don't think my sister "gets" the close relationship I have with my kids.  She always seemed to want to get away from her 4, and, in fact, she did (me and just about everyone else in the family babysat for her).  She went around telling everyone at her youngest's high school graduation that that was the "happiest day of her life," because now all of the kids would be out of the house for good.   She is the kind of gal where outside appearances are very important to her, and she must always appear proper  -- she has the proper husband of 30 years who sings in the church, they attend the church functions, et cetera....  But inside she just seems so vicious.  If I let myself think about it, it saddens me, as she is my sister, and I always wondered why we couldn't do things together and support each other.

Jean