Some people experience the holidays with a profound sense of loss for some time after separation and divorce. Others, with relief. Still others forge new relationships and new traditions.
Where do you fit? Do you reconnect with your "family of origin" (parents and siblings, nieces and nephews) more? Do you have a "family of choice"?
I'm beginning to feel this one more than I have in years. My younger son is 18 and will go to college next fall. Even though he splits his time between my house and his mother's, the true "empty nest" is coming for me. He'll be home holidays after this year. (He is planning to be gone all summer after graduation next year.)
In a way, I've been living in suspended animation for the past four years. I committed myself to finish raising him and have made that responsibility my number one priority. But then...I get my life back when he graduates, almost 25 years after I married his mother.
So this year is our last "real" Christmas before he's out on his own. We went to see a movie and do some shopping last night and it was on the way home that it struck me. We talked about Christmas Eve (and our plans).
In another year, I'm sure my life will be different but I can't see how yet.
In some ways, I think I'll always measure and take stock at the holidays. I've come a long way on my own so far. But I have miles to go before I sleep...
I have a wonderful family of origin and an equally as fabulous family of choice, I'm very lucky in that regard.
My Mother, the older she gets, insists more and more that we stick to our traditional Christmas rituals - we open gifts at her house on Christmas morning and then have lunch. Then, we usually nap (or watch TV) and play games for the afternoon and evening. My family of choice includes my best friend, other friends of ours, members of her family, and her husband's family - and what an ecclectic group they are! We get together with all the aunts/uncles and cousins sometime around Christmas - all of the out of state relatives fly in. I'm looking forward to that.
It's odd - not having my OWN family, like I did for the 7 years I was married. I miss Christmas with a little one! I miss Santa and stockings and all the fun that brings. But, next year, I will have a great-nephew to share all of that with, we're very excited. I also have a wonderful man in my life - and we're beginning to forge our own traditions. That's exciting.
Monica
"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"
"Some people experience the holidays with a profound sense of loss for some time after separation and divorce. Others, with relief."
Add me to the "relief" camp. I only experienced the sense of loss nearly every year at this time when I was married, as my former husband treated it like every other day. He didn't care to celebrate holidays.
This year, I have been so tired over the last couple of weeks. Work has been crazy busy. The kids' homework never let up until yesterday (my 12 year-old had 7 tests in one week!), the doctors' appointments, the band concert, the shopping, etc.... No matter that I try to keep our holidays simple, everything still falls on me.
However, one thing really touched my heart. For assignments, both of my kids had to write about their favorite parts of Christmas. They wrote about simple things that we do every year, like bake cinnamon orange rolls for Christmas morning, finding mint chocolates scattered under the tree, and just hanging out together Christmas morning in our pajamas. But there was such feeling in their words -- it made me smile to know that the small things I do really do make a difference.
>>>Some people experience the holidays with a profound sense of loss for some time after separation and divorce. Others, with relief. Still others forge new relationships and new traditions. Where do you fit?
I think I would have to say "all of the above." Christmas will be very different for my family this year. My daughter and I will be celebrating it together - she is 18 and will be starting college in the fall so this feels in some ways like the last Christmas of her childhood - but none of the rest of my family will be here. My oldest son may come home after Christmas but my younger son can't be here until spring. My divorce will be finalized in early January and I spent much of last week dealing with issues related to that - fa la la la la. Mostly I've just been wanting to get this Christmas behind me and move on.
Earlier this month Oklahoma experienced the worst ice storm in its history. All the trees on my property were damaged or destroyed. I planted every one of those trees eighteen years ago and all I could do was watch helplessly as they broke apart and crashed to the ground around my home. It was traumatizing and frightening (kind of like divorce). But I was luckier than many people whose homes and/or cars were damaged or destroyed; and I only lost power for a day, while many were without it for more than a week. Even so, I had quite a little pity party for myself and really just wanted to call Christmas off. I finally got bored with that (thank goodness) and decided to get on with doing the things I've always enjoyed doing over the holidays. I put up my Christmas decorations and played my favorite CDs. I pulled all the broken limbs off my lighted grapevine deer, dug the power cord out from under the debris, and plugged him in. Like a harbinger of hope in the midst of all that destruction, he twinkled beautifully. I went inside and made myself a cup of hot chocolate, lit every candle I owned, turned off all the lights except the ones on the Christmas tree, and watched "White Christmas" on television. I hadn't felt so at peace in a very long time, and a year ago wouldn't have believed I could. I got a call from a friend later and I said it felt magical just sitting in that dark room with the candlelight and the Christmas tree and my deer shining through all the brokenness.
My life has taken some turns I didn't expect in the past few years. Like Chris, I've been in suspended animation and I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I have to cherish the small bits of light that come into my life, even if it's hard to see them through all the damage. I always get reflective and emotional during the holidays and I'm sure that will never change. I will always miss the people I love who can't be with me, but if they're healthy and happy it takes some of the sting out of it. Christmas, like life, changes and you have to figure out a way to deal with it. I've learned that a cup of hot chocolate, some candlelight, a phone call from a good friend, and Bing Crosby singing White Christmas can do wonders.
This Christmas was the first in a quarter century spent without the company of any of my three children, and it has been awful. The one thing I have always enjoyed about Christmas is the focus on children. When the kids were small and they would ask what I wanted for Christmas I used to jokingly say “peace and quiet.” But I’d give anything to recapture those noisy days.
The weeks leading up to Christmas have been very depressing this year. I live alone in an apartment, 1100 miles away from my nearest child. I have to be here -- working -- in order to support my daughter and her mother who live in “our” lovely house back in Oklahoma. Our boys are in their early-twenties, just starting out in a difficult economy, so I help them out too. That’s not a complaint. My sons work very hard and I’m happy that I am able to help.
But this was not supposed to be. My wife, daughter and I had planned to move here as a family 2 &1/2 years ago, when, at my wife’s urging, I found a job that came with a big raise.
But at the last minute (too late for me to keep my old job) my wife decided to stay behind in our old house – pointing out that if I rented a small apartment in the new town instead of buying one of the three new houses she had picked out -- I could afford to support two households in separate states. About six months into this situation it became clear that she was never going to join me at all. I eventually learned about the OM -- a self-described divorce expert and amateur Internet advisor regarding matters of divorce planning.
When my W filed for divorce, her lawyer described me as having “left” my wife and “minor” daughter for the lure of money. It was a cleverly planned strategy, but nothing could be further from the truth.
My daughter and I still have a close and wonderful relationship, but I live a very different, very solitary daily life now. Christmas time seems to magnify the loss. I thought we would be together for the big day, though. This year I tried to arrange flights to L.A. for my daughter and myself to visit at least one son (and possibly even fly in the other) for Christmas. The kids were excited about the idea. It would have been tough on their Mom, but she would have been with her parents and sisters – or perhaps with the OM. And besides, she gets to be with our daughter on a daily basis. So, maybe this holiday could be one for Dad.
Unfortunately, my W kept changing her set of holiday plans: on-again / off-again promises of visits with grandparents & cousins in the fun New Mexico mountains – at one point indicating that there might be plane tickets for our sons too.
My daughter and I have a great relationship, but my boring apartment in a far-away town with no friends or family her age – can’t compete with the mountains, activities, and cousins of New Mexico. And if the best chance for my daughter to be with her two brothers at Christmas didn’t include me, I would still want them all to be together. So I waited to see if this plan was real.
But the kids and I couldn’t get any definite information from their mother about this New Mexico trip. To further complicate my travel plans, at the last minute her lawyer changed the dates of our final divorce proceedings --scheduled for mid-December and early January. Because I work and live far away, for every schedule change or moment of indecision out there, I have to make changes in plans for air travel, rental car, hotel, time off work, etc.
Neither I, nor any of our three children learned what their mother’s final plans were until a day or two before Christmas. She called off the potential vacation in New Mexico and stayed home with our daughter. By then it was too late for me to arrange flights & lodging for myself and/or any of the kids.
So, my three children and I were in four separate cities for Christmas. I spoke with each one on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas Day. Everybody made a valiant effort to demonstrate Christmas cheer, but the sadness in each voice was unmistakable.
The divorce proceedings are in a few days. I have to spend much of that time driving. So I know I should spend the next 36 hours figuring out a strategy to keep some portion of my pension from the clutches of the W’s rabid lawyer. (My retirement is the only asset I have. It’s taken every dime I‘ve made, plus extra debt to support these multiple cross-country households).
But all I can think about is how exciting it will be to spend part of New Year’s Day with my daughter. I may even have time to drive up and see one of my sons in Tulsa! No other experience in the world compares to a single moment spent with one of my children.
My daughter’s spring break will be here before too long, and then in May I hope to see all three of them at the same time – at her H.S. graduation! As for Christmas – I guess it’ll be very difficult to get them all together from now on. But I know I don’t ever want to spend another Christmas away from all three of my children. No peace, and too much quiet.
You sound like you love your children very much. Cherish each day you get to spend time with them, as they will with you.
As somebody who has been through the divorce circuit, I don't pretend to be an expert, nor give advice but I can tell you that once everything is over life will go on. She may take monetary things, but nobody can take honesty and self respect from you. Those are worth far more in this world than any monetary item.
The one thing I have learned from the recent passing of my dad is that monetary things mean nothing, it's the feelings and memories that are priceless.
