Holidays can seem disjointed. It can be hard to face some of the choices we have made whether it was an affair or even if it was serving papers out of necessity. The holidays shine a big beam on current situations and big changes.

Alone? Financially stressed? Vague future? Feel guilt? Blame? Who am I now? etc.

We may find some things better and others more challenged.

I find it easier to lash out at the X's past behavior when things feel really stressed. It's harder to say to myself, "Hey. You chose who you did. This journey belongs to you. Take full responsibility for it. Things will be ok."

"You chose who you did." I've often thought about that exact same thing in the last 5 years. How do you know how to choose when you are young with no or little life experiences. No one was around to tell me what to look for in a partner. Even if they had been around to tell me what to look for, what about that over powering thing called love.

H2C

BF and I had the exact same conversation last night. We were both too young and no one knew to point out the different character flaws in someone but also, even if they had, some flaws can't be seen until years later so I'm not really sure there is a way out of that. I'm not sure we could have always done something differently except to not get married until much later in life - even then there is no guarantee. I do think that flaws are more apparent when both partners are older though. It seems that one can hide less if they've had these flaws for many years and the other is more apt to see the flaws when they have had experience with them. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, once again, nothing we can do since unless you learn what to avoid by experience, you wouldn't know to avoid the small signs.

Charlie

I agree wholeheartedly with RW. Sometimes it's easy to focus on others' issues and forget that we get where we are entirely by our own choices. All any of us can control is our own choices and our own behavior.

Of course there are always unanticipated consequences; some are far more dramatic than others. Some people on a bridge in Minneapolis last summer crossed safely. Others were badly injured. Many died. What if they'd left two minutes earlier? Two minutes later?

That's not to blame those who died or were injured. But every time we make choices, even small ones, it defines where we are in our lives at a particular time and place. Entering into, staying in, or leaving a marriage are HUGE choices with equally huge consequences, many unknowable.

The point isn't to be paralyzed and fear all decisions, or to delay important decisions until we know "everything". We can't live full lives like that. The point is to be gentle with ourselves and recognize that we are where we are because we put ourselves there and we can't undo all those choices. But every moment we have the ability to choose differently for the future.

My parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage (plus four kids, eight grandkids, and one new great-granddaughter) over the weekend. By my count, they had to get up 18,261 mornings and decide to stay married that day. There was never a guarantee; my dad was divorced before marrying my mom.

I might be too old to be married 50 years the second time. But it won't stop me from trying if I get the chance.

Chris.

RW, you have to be a American Midwesterner, the way you put "at" at the end of your topic sentence.

Jean

Funny.

For where you are.

For where you be.

For where you is.

Hey RW, where you be at?

(ducking)



Chris.

All right you guys. Stop picking on me. I changed the topic sentence to my word economy universal version.


RW

Awwww, RW.  I wasn't really making fun.  I'm just interested in language and dialects.

Jean

I'm trying to be responsible for where my dialect is at. Doncha know.

This is turning into a Garrison Keillor sketch. Pretty soon, we'll be getting into church basement cuisine (and Jell-O (R) salad jokes).

BTW...did I tell you that part of my parents' 50th Anniversary celebration was in the (upstairs) fellowship hall of their church? Fresh fruit plates and anniversary cake served with Lutheran Lightning (coffee).



Chris.