MY HUSBAND OF 15 YRS GOT A GIRLFRIEND WITH ALL THE LIES AND MANIPULATIONS THAT GO WITH IT AND WHEN HE LEFT ME AND OUR 7 YR OLD WENT TO MY KIDS FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE AND ASKED THEM THINGS LIKE HOW THEY'D FEEL ABOUT A SIBLING, STARTED MY DREAM BUSINESS WITH HER AND MOVED HER IN HIS HOUSE WHEN THE DIVORCE WASN'T EVEN SERVED, IN FACT I HAD TO GO TO THE COURT AND PICK IT UP MYSELF, I THENFOUND OUT ABOUT LIES TO THE IRS AND BIG ONES,TO STATE LICENSING AND ON AND ON AND I FEEL SO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR BEING SO STUPRID AND TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP THE FAMILTY TOGETHER AND THEN HE TELLS ME GOD TOLD HIM TO REACH OUT TO THISGIRL(15 YRS YOUNGER) AND MINISTER TO HER SO NOW HE APPLIED TO BE A MINISTER FOR YOUTH, I AM SO CONFUSED AND DOUBTING ME, GOD, AND MORALLITY IN GENERAL. IT DOES SEEM TO HELP TO WRITE ABOUT IT THOUGH.
NewLife, welcome to a safe place to discuss your pain and fears. None of us wanted to go thru this but many of us have and we will be here for you. When was your discovery of the affair date? Was that the same day that he left and wanted a divorce? Tell us a little more. Do you have any questions or issues that you'd like to discuss?
dec 4th he Found God, 2 weeks later he was in this inappropriate friendship, i calmly told him it had to stop and he said God told him to reach out and teach her about the christian way of life, then jan 1 he disappearred for a few days, came back and moved out while i was with my 25 yr old who has cancer, he filed jan27 and then for 4 weeks never served me and said he wanted to make things work, he gave up his friendship with her and we were #1. feb 19th she called with another crisis and he ran to her and she moved in before the end of feb with him, i went and accepted the papers on the 27 or 28th and he started being really nasty to me, now he hasnt communicated at all except by shutting things off and cancelling insurance etc for 3 weeks and apparently he is engaged and opening a bible & recovery, antique & book store. gosh this has gone fast and I have had to realize some real painful truths and try not to but still beat myself up a lot. i don't want to be mean or fight but apparently i don't have a choice and thats sad.just really sad
When people make the choices of having affairs they must find a way to give themselves permission to have the affair. And this is not the first time nor will it be the last that religious excuses were given to support their decisions. No matter what the excuse they give, it is a load of crap. An affair is like a drug. People know deep down that it is wrong but they need their fix so they keep justifying what they do. People who have affairs are generally trying to fill some sort of an inner void, an emptiness from within. These voids are generally caused by something drastic that happened to them and most often comes from a childhood trauma such as some type of abuse. For instance my wife suffered parental mental and physical abuse as a child as well as being molested by a boy cousin. That is what caused her void thus eventually leading to her affair. Some people can be shocked out of it and some can't. My discovery of my wife's affair shocked my wife into remorse and getting professional help to deal with her inner void.
NewLife, (I like that name) life is all about choices. You control how you react to what has happened. You say that you don't want to become mean and bitter then make choices for yourself where you don't become that way. I know that is easier said than done when emotions are off the charts.
One of the most important things to remember is that his affair with this other woman has absolutely nothing to do with you, what you did or didn't do as a wife or what you think you should have or could have done to prevent it. There would have been nothing that you could have done to prevent his affair. If he didn't have an affair with that particular woman he would have eventually found another to have an affair with. Affairs are total selfishness. All of your H's choices are about him, not you. Don't take on responsibility for his poor choices to have an affair. Both you and your H have responsibility in how your marriage was but he alone has the responsibility of stepping out of the marriage.
Even though you are divorcing, you are still very early in your recovery. Right now you need to focus on you. Eat right, exercise, do little things that make you happy, take care of yourself and your kids. Again easier said than done. Keep posting, keep describing what you feel, even get professional help to help take the edge off if you can. Check out our resources for a list of good books dealing with infidelity and ways to recover from it.
Wish you well,
This message has been edited by hurt2core on Mar 16, 2008 11:14 AM
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, I HAD BEEN AND I AM SURE I WILL AGAIN BEEN ASKING WHAT I DID WRONG, HOW COULD I HAVE STOPPED IT, BUT NOT OUT LOUD. I ASKED THESE THINGS WHEN I WAS ALONE OR TRYING TO SLEEP(LOL).THEN MY NEPHEW CAME TO VISIT, HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 5 YRS HAD A 6 MONTH AFFAIR AND I TOLD HIM IT WASN.T HIS FAULT, HE SAID , BACK AT CHA, I AM TRYING TO BELIEVE IT.I READ ON HERE SOME COUPLES SEEM TO MOVE FORWARD TO A NEW PLACE TOGETHER AFTER THE A, AND I THINK IT'S GREAT, BUT MINE FILED DIVORCE AND IT'S LIKE FINAL CURTAIN, NO HOPE AND WHERE DO I GET NEW DREAMS, I CHECKED WAL-MART QUIT CARRYING THEM. IN THE DIVORCE HE IS TRYING TO GET EVERYTHING, EVEN THE SMALL STUFF AND LEAVE ME WITH NOTHING, I ONLY WANT WHATS FAIR, I DO NOT WANT TO FIGHT, YET I AM BEING FORCED TO DO JUST THAT. I AM SO BROKEN I THOUGHT OF SIGNING EVERYTHING OVER JUST SO I COULD WALK AWAY AND NOT HAVE THIS PAIN "IN MY FACE", BUT MY HEALTH ISN'T GREAT ANYMORE AND I WORKED HARD TOO, I AM SO TORN UP BY IT ALL. I FEEL LIKE A PING PONG BALL, AND THEN 1 FRIEND SAID DATE SOMEONE NEW AND YOU KNOW, THATS LIKE AS APPEALING AS SAY JUMPING IN A VOLCANO. NO WAY. ANYWAY IT DOES HELP TO WRITE THOUGH, THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD YOUR WIFE GOT HELP.
So can I assume that you have been together with your H for 25 or more years? How long? How many kids? We had been married 31 years at the time I found out and that was almost 6 years ago. We are still together but our marriage is way different.
Is your H a minister? How did he meet this other woman?
I HAVE BEEN WITH H 15 YRS AND NO HE IS NOT A MINISTER, I HAVE RUN A CHRISTIAN FOOD BANK AND CHARITY FOR 10 PLUS YRS, NO INCOME, AND IN DEC HE SAYS HE WAS FILLED WITH GOD AND THEN THE OTHER WOMAN WALKED IN HIS AA MEETING. I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS FRIENDSHIP THAT WAS TOO CLOSE BUT NOT MORE TIL 3 WKS AGO. I HAD 4 KIDS WHEN WE MET AND MY H AND I HAVE HAD THE 26 YR OLDS DAUGHTER SINCE HER FIRST BIRTHDAY, MY DAUGHTER WAS DEVASTATED OVER HER OWN DIVORCE AND THE BABY HAD BEEN BORN BLIND AND NO IMMUNE SYSTEM AND WHEN MY DAUGHTER FOUND OUT AFTER HER HUSBAND LEFT HER THAT SHE HAD CANCER SHE LEFT THE BABY WITH ME, SHE LOVES HER AND WANTS TO BE IN HER LIFE, MY H WAS ALWAYS WORRIED MY DAUGHTER WOULOD TAKE THE BABY BACK THOUGH. AT 2 THE BABY GOT HER EYESIGHT AND EVEN THOUGH SHE IS HOMESCHOOLED CAUSE SHE GETS TOO SICK IN PBLIC SHE IS DOING GREAT AND GETTING STRONGER ALL THE TIME, SHE SEES HER MOM AND WE ALL HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP MINUS H, SO I GET REAL CONFUSED.L AT FIRST IPRAYED GOD WOULLD RESTORE MY MARRIAGE, NOW I JUST PRAY HE CARRIES ME THROUGH, WHATEVER HAPPENS. I HAVE THE 7 YR OLD TO CONSIDER AND I CANT FALL APART FOR HER SAKE. THE OTHER 4 ARE ALL OVER 21 AND EVEN THOUGH HE IS S-DAD IT STILL AFFECTS THEM A GREAT DEAL AND THE 2 YOUNGEST HAVE PULLED AWAY ALL AROUND. THE 7 YR OLD JUST SAYS WHATEVER, AT LEAST DADS NOT YELLING ANYMORE. WAY TO SMART FOR A KID. YOU CAN ONLY PROTECT THEM SO FAR. NOW H AND OTHER W WANT TO OPEN BIBLE AND RECOVERY BOOK STORE AND ONLINE MINISTRY TO LEAD OTHERS TO GOD AND I JUST SHAKE MY HEAD AND WONDER, THAT WAS MY DREAM, I WORKED HARD TO GET TO THE POINT WHERE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER AS FAR AS HOPE AND FAITH, I DON'T KNOW I AM RAMBLING AND NOT MAKING SENSE BUT THAT IS HOW MY THINKING IS RIGHT NOW, PRETTY SCARY TO ME. I AM GLAD TO READ ABOUT SOMEONE WHO CAME THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE, IT GIVES HOPE AND COURAGE THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE I CAN TOO. THANK YOU FOR SHARING, IT MEANS A LOT. G
It amazes me how people can interpret or mold their religious beliefs to fit what their selfish needs are at any given time. I'm not making fun as I'm a person who has faith too. But doesn't it amaze you that he is commiting such a sin as adultery and yet they want to help others find their faith. I'm sure if it wasn't so close to home and so darn painful that it would be funny otherwise. I wonder how those others would react if they knew that the people ( your H and OW ) who are helping them find God are actually breaking one of God's most profound commandments. I've seen justification before and read about many different senarios of justification here but this is up there at the top. I suspect like most relationships that are formed on such shaky ground as adultery that their relationship will fall apart at some point too. There is an old saying, "if he/she will cheat with you then he/she will cheat on you eventually".
Did I understand correctly. You have a 7 year old child with your H or is that your daughter's child?
I couldn't agree more with H2C. Your H is definitely finding justification as they all do in some form. They do it so they can feel better about doing something that they know is really wrong. It's funny because as my ex H was in his affair several years ago he actually started to believe more in his faith since the OW (other woman) was a Sunday school teacher. It did make me laugh a bit although it was morbid as well. He also started liking fruit more because she liked it, even though I had encouraged him to eat more for years. During our late marriage I began to think he was an Athiest although he was brought up as a Catholic. I'm not saying that is bad, I believe people have the right think what they want but he went back and forth and didn't have faith until he met someone who was a Sunday school teacher to have an affair with. It's pretty bizarre thinking that he committed adultery, lied compulsively but gained faith, isn't it? So ridiculous and so contradictory. Some people say that A's are a form of temporary insanity and I believe it.
Anyway, as H2C said, if you are like the majority of us, you will find a way to put blame on yourself for a little while, at least. It is often just a phase as you start to realize that nothing they say really makes much sense and there is no rational reason for it. I think your H is actually giving you a gift by saying God led him to it. You know how absurd that is as God (if you believe) would certainly never want you to lie, committ adultery, and tear your family apart.
"SOME COUPLES SEEM TO MOVE FORWARD TO A NEW PLACE TOGETHER AFTER THE A, AND I THINK IT'S GREAT, BUT MINE FILED DIVORCE AND IT'S LIKE FINAL CURTAIN, NO HOPE AND WHERE DO I GET NEW DREAMS"
Please believe me when I say that it may seem like the end of the world right now for you but even if you do divorce, things will get better in time. We use that word "time" here a lot. It makes a big difference. I also felt pretty awful back then but over time came to realize that I am much happier without someone who had moral issues, does not scream too much (mine did too sometimes) and does not lie constantly to me. I've dated a few very nice guys since who are very different from my ex and am really enjoying it. We'll see how things go in time but for now I'm doing really well. My kids also went through a lot back then but I stayed strong for them and they pulled through very well and are both happy.
Please feel free to use us as a resource, this group has helped me drastically over the years and now we stay here just to pay it forward.
I WENT TO COURT AND BEFORE THAT WAS THROWING UP AND CRYING AND ALL EMOTIONAL, I HADNT ACTUALLY SEEN MY H FACE TO FACE IN 3 WKS, WOW, I LOOKED AT HIM AND REALIZED HE IS MEAN SPIRITED AND EMPTY HEARTED, MY FEELINGS WENT BLANK AND MY DEMEANER CHANGED SLIGHTLY, THIS WAS BUSINESS AND MY G DAUGHTER AND HER STABILITY WERE AT STAKE. I TRULY HAD NO DESIRE TTO REACH OUT, HUG OR EVEN SLAP OR YELL, I WAS BLANK, I REALIZED LATER I MUST HAVE CROSSED A BRIDGE EMOTIONALLY, NOW I WONDER WHATS NEXT. I GUESS HE WENT TO AN AA MEETING ALONE FOR A CHANGE AND WAS QUIET AND SULLEN, I HOPE HE STAYS SOBER, BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB, GOSH I FEEL KINDA COLD-HEARTED HERE AND I DON'T MEAN TO, BUT I JUST FEEL THAT WAY. ANYWAYS WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT AGAIN ON THURSDAY AND I'LL SEE THEN I GUESS, I JUST KEEP PRAYING ANDD TRYING TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.
I was mean and bitter for as long as I needed to be. My X never got sober, and I'm sure he also thinks that God or some higher power encouraged his adultery.
Don't worry about how you feel now. It won't last forever. You deserve to feel whatever emotions have welled up inside you through this crisis. In fact, if you don't process them the best you can, they might sneak up on you again later.
I understand the anger and feeling stupid. Your anger is validated, and a slight change in perspective can focus the real 'stupid' actions elsewhere (his).
""""GOD TAKE TOTAL CONTROL OF MY LIFE NOW PLEASE.""""
I'm not knocking your faith but this is what happens when people put too much into their faith. If you are expecting God to step in here, well you are just setting yourself up for a big let down. God gives us all the ability to stand up for ourselves. We can do that in the realm of honesty and integrety or we can do that like your H is doing with the lying and cheating. Nevertheless, you have to stand up for yourself. God is not going to do it for you because right or wrong your H is one of God's children too. God's not going to pick sides, he never has throughout history. As I mentioned in another post, people interpret God's word to suit their own needs. Wars have been fought for this very reason and your H had an affair for that very reason. So what do you need to do to protect yourself?