Cyn and I are seperated but living in the same house. This had been going okay til last weekend. We had been getting along, but now it seems we are getting bitter. She has been dating and so have I. She has been intimate with a couple guys, while I have not. People told me of her last ONS, I didn't ask for the info, but they told me anyway. It pissed me off, I know it isn't my business anymore, but her having ONS with 21 y/o's and smoking weed, it pushed the wrong buttons. I want her to find someone that will be good to her and take care of her, I want her to have someone that will be a positive influence if our son is around. This wasn't it. I guess expediting the divorce is my only option now. I just hate to see her end up with the wrong kind of people, especially if we share custody of our son.
Jordan
As you walk your path, watch out for blind kung-fu masters.
Jordan you cannot pick and chose who your STBX dates, just as she cannot pick and chose for you.
I'm going out on a limb here but I'm gonna guess that few perfectly normal and emotionally stable mates wouldn't come within a 1000 feet of a "seperated" couple who still live in the same house. I know I wouldn't. That's fairly top of my list of red flags.
What she is doing is destructive to herself, but it is her choice and she has to own it. Let her do that Jordan.
K
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Mar 24, 2008 10:35 PM
I have to agree with Kid about not being able to control another person and their decisions.
One thing I'd like to say is that over the years on this site, I've noticed that many of us, and this applies to me as well, do some things that we shouldn't and/or are tempted to do things when going through a divorce that we wouldn't normally do. I don't know if it has to do with feeling hurt or alone or maybe has to do with self esteem at the time of a divorce but I think we are at our weekest when feeling badly and divorce certainly makes us feel pretty badly. Hopefully she'll recognize any self destructive behavior and will fix it herself but there is very little you can do except maybe talk to her about the possibility of teaching your son to do these things. If she isn't doing them around him, you can't worry yourself about it.
Charlie
PS "As you walk your path, watch out for blind kung-fu masters."
CUTE!!!
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Mar 25, 2008 12:20 AM
I want it to be out there that I am not "sleeping" around..... two guys - one of those was a ONS. Yes, not something I'm proud of now..... but, it happened and protection was used. He was 21 and it actually thrilled me to know that he knew how old I was and he STILL wanted me. It's been a VERY long time since somebody wanted me -- I took advantage of the moment. Keep in mind the fact that J has been after me to 'get out there'.... 'look around'... 'find a guy'.... Oh yeah,... and the fact that I smoked a "little" -- happened moments before I was leaving to come home and had nothing to do with the fact that I slept with him. It's unfortunate that J stumbled upon information that he didn't need to know. As far as having this 'brought' home to our son?... this is no more happening than him knowing his daddy goes out 3-4 nights weekly and doesn't come home until wee hours in the morning.
Normally, I would 'try' to keep my mouth shut - with walking on eggshells and all. But, walking on eggshells is not something I do on a daily basis anymore -- I refuse to let myself be like that anymore. (i'm still a work in progress though) Reason I am typing this is because I am not this person who he thinks I am in his head -- I do not sleep around and I made a very bad choice two years but I am not a tramp as he portrays me to be sometimes. Over the past 2 years, J has knocked my confidence level to such a low number that maybe i WILL make a few more bad choices in order to regain some of it back. Who knows.... I just MAY do some things that would make him proud -- I just don't think he would recognize it.
Cyndee I hate to be blunt but kids (20 year olds) these days love being able to score with a cougar and brag to their friends about how old they are. It makes sense really since all they want is sex and they go for older more experienced ones.
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Mar 25, 2008 10:50 AM
The word seperated will be fact as soon as I get down with daughter troubles. Once that court issue is over we will fix and sell the house. I know what is and isn't my business. My son is my business and I feel it would be very easy for cyn to fall into a lifestyle that I don't want him to experience. Cyn, if you want me home with Justin and not going out all the time? Move out.
Jordan
As you walk your path, watch out for blind kung-fu masters.
You are using your son as a pawn in your stupid childish bullsh!+.
Do you want your kids to repeat what you are both going through right now? Do you wish this chaos on them in the future? If not, then grow up, get professional help, move out, move on and stop acting like the way you feel right now is more important than your children's future. Stop a moment and THINK about your lives 5 years from now. THINK about your kids lives. What are your priorities?
Ask yourselves, "What would be best for our kid(s)? If we live together in acrimony? Stay out late? Have ONS? Smoke weed? Drink to excess? Piss each other off by openly dating other people? Refuse therapy because we are so pissed off at each other?"
I mean, come ON people! What are you thinking?
Act as if your kids are your priority.
If you had any idea what I see when I work with kids whose parents' played stupid games by putting them in the middle, you would stop this bullsh!+.
Really-- if you had ANY F&^%ing idea, you would sober up.
Kid -- Are you kidding me?? Blunt is who you are and why you are able to give insight on things. Yes, I am/was completely aware I was a ONS to him and how I would probably be 'chaulked' up on a list. What I was naive about was the extent of his blabbermouth.
"M" -- Have you read up on me and J at all? Do you even know who we are and how far we have come over the past 2 years?? There are problems (that is exactly why this site is here), but our is son is actually a well adjusted kid for someone his age and how much he has 'felt' from our marital problems. I do not say this just from a parent's point of view -- I spoke with his school counselor and twice now she has spoke with him. After the 2nd meeting, she said he no longer needed to see her at this time -- he's doing just fine and is the typical boy. (LOOK -- our priorities ARE in the best order that we think necessary from moment to moment)
And I'm curious "M" --- who is refusing therapy anyway?? We are both going.... are you, my dear?
J -- yeah,... we ARE in a rut right now -- but we are doing what we feel is necessary for our son's future, and we are doing it better than alot of people out there.
I was mistaken in that I didn't know you were in therapy. I owe you an apology for accusing you of not getting professional help. I am very happy to hear you are both with therapists. That takes a lot of strength of character to do so.
But I will not apologize for my comments and concerns about your son. It was triggered primarily in response to Jordan's comment: "Cyn, if you want me home with [son's name] and not going out all the time? Move out."
Two of the worst things parents can do is (1) criticize each other (this applies to both married and divorced parents), and (2) use their children as pawns. The former forces the child to feel they have to choose one parent over the other which causes an enormous amount of guilt, especially in the context of divorce. They don't know how to react when someone they love is being criticized by someone else they also love. This can be very confusing for them. It doesn't matter how much you tell a child "It isn't your fault;" if you continue to berate one another, your son may still believe it is his fault. The latter is just plain manipulation and it will destroy your son's ability to trust you. E.g., "How can I trust my parents if they can't even keep my best interests at heart."
The fact is, not all children of divorce have problems, but most have some difficulty (ranging from mild adjustment problems to more significant difficulties). It can affect how they do in school, their peer relationships, and their general well-being. These issues can be transitory, or more long lasting. But it doesn't have to be this way. The best thing a parent can do is remain civil. When divorce is bitter, the kids suffer the most.
If you can handle things calmly, it will be less confusing for him and he will see mom and dad solve a difficult problem by staying calm. In fact, that could not only mitigate the potential negative impact, but could be very helpful for him to see. It may even boost his confidence -- E.g., "My parents can handle this. Although it is changing, my world is not about to end. I can love both of them and not feel guilty about it. My dad has stopped talking bad about my mom, so I can feel good about loving her. I am free to love both my parents despite the fact they don't live together."
I am happy to know that you are involving the school counselor. Keep in mind that negative effects may not be apparent until later- sometimes years later.
Cyn, yes I'm getting therapy too. I think there is tremendous benefits to professional help. Again, I apologize for accusing you of not seeking professional help. I am very relieved you both are getting that kind of support. Despite the tone of my last post, I truly wish you well.
