I'd like to throw this out there and would like some feedback.  I'm thinking of changing my last name back to my maiden name, and I've got a few reasons why.

1.  I changed my name willingly because I was so in love with my husband and wanted to create a family with one family name.   That is not the case any more.  Obviously, I am not with the man and because of his past actions, as well as those of numerous other strangers with this name, I am having trouble respecting it. 

2. I can't trace any lineage using this last name on my former H's side.  This is because the ex does not have his real father's last name.  He has the name of his mother's common-law husband's name.  His mother threw this particular guy out of the house years before the ex was born because he had supposedly pulled a knife on her.  No one seems to know what happened to him.  (However, this man is listed as the father on my ex's birth certificate.) 

3.  My last name is an overwhelmingly black surname.  What I mean by this is that, by my own research (county and state court records, all of which list the race of an individual), I would say that  99 percent of everyone with my last name is black.   I'm not black, I'm white.  When I was married, this did not bother me in the least, but now that I have been divorced for quite a while, it does.  More than a few times, people have assumed that my race was black, just because of my last name.  Being below the poverty level for many years after the separation and divorce probably added to that assumption.  They've assumed this on medical records, bank records, etc.

4. There are at least a few women people in my part of the state with the same first and last name as me, and they have gotten in trouble with the law (bad checks, drug charges, etc.).  I have even gotten calls here at my home for these women.  I've had to have negative remarks taken off of my credit report because of them.

5.  I love my dad.  He has passed away, but he took care of his good name and it has been respected in our home town for many decades.  I think it would be an honor to have his last name again.

6. My college diploma, and all of my bylines on the numerous articles that I've written have my maiden name.  And it's been documented that those with "black" names tend to get passed over in the job market.  This is not a racist statement, it's an observation of fact.  My dilemma -- should I keep this last name even tho the man that I changed if for is no longer part of my life???

7. The one thing that is holding me back -- my children.  How would I explain this to them?  Do you think it might hurt their feelings if I go thru with it?  I felt like telling them that I want to go back to the name that I was born with, as a way to honor my dad -- and since I am not married anymore.  I've broached the subject with them, and they feel a bit wishy-washy about it.  My 12-yr-old son said that he would change his last name, too, then, to be the same as mine.  See, it gets a bit complicated.  I don't think his father (my former H) would like that.  Even as I mention that, I must say that he (the ex) even began to change his last name to the last name of his real father, but he never completed the process.

So.... I don't know .... I've been rolling this around in my head for over a year now, and would like some feedback, please.

Jean

If I were to get married again, if I were to go with tradition I would change my last name to my husband's, but now I'm thinking .....  Why not just change it back now to the name I was born with and not wait on some man who might nor might not be part of my life?

J

I don't know about your state, but in mine that's one of the things that can get taken care of at the time of a divorce decree.

It's all about how you see yourself and who you want to be. A friend who was married a long time told me her last name is part of what makes her who she is, and it's her kids' name, so she didn't change it. Neither did my ex-wife, and she gave me the "kid" reason at the time.

The race/identity issue could be a little thorny, as your kids carry both the name and the race with them every day. To the extent that either of them might perceive you rejecting their "blackness" at some time in the future, it could be a negative. Apart from that, they might simply see it as a sign of separation from them. But since it's pretty common today, teachers and other kids in school understand parent(s) with a different last name than a child.

In my case, there is at least one person in my city with the same first and last name and he is apparently not good at keeping commitments or paying bills. (A young woman once called me, somewhat accusingly, as did a bill collector and a landlord.) I also have a son who shares my first and last names, although he is known and called by his middle name. Sharing a name with my son has caused more problems than the deadbeat has, mostly at our doctor's office and the hospital where he practices. All are minor nuisances, easily remedied by clarifying other identifying information (last 4 digits of SSN, date of birth, etc.).

At the end of the day, there's a lot to consider...and it's still your call.

Chris.

I appreciate your thoughtful response, Chris.   Yeah, I know it's still my call.  I guess I'm just going to take my time with it right now.  First I think I'll get these medical bills settled thru the court.

Jean

I changed my name back to my maiden name as soon as the divorce papers were signed and I had the necessary paperwork with which to do it (most places require a copy of the divorce decree in Canada).

I don't know why you would even have to debate the issue. It is your name and you are fully entitled to use it again. I have no kids involved so it seemed pretty silly for me to stay with my ex's name.

So I say if that is what you want, then go for it.

Kid

I forgot to add, one of my sisters uses our family name professionally but both names everywhere else. So she is "Jane Doe" at work and "Jane Doe Smith" at home, at church, at her kids' school, at the bank. Part of it has to do with living where we all graduated from high school; there are lots of people around where she lives who went to school with one of our family. Part of it has to do with waiting until she was past 30 to marry. Part of it has to do with being headstrong. And part of it has to do with the fact that her husband's last name actually is "Smith".

This discussion frequently comes up on another board I read. Some people can't wait to change their names, and others keep their married name for their own reasons, usually children or professional reputation. Some people choose a completely new last name that is neither their maiden nor their married name, which I think is kind of intriguing.

If my divorce ever is finalized I intend to change my name back to my maiden name. My feeling is that I changed it because I married and if I am no longer married I am no longer "Mrs. X". I intend to explain it to my kids just like that. If their friends or teachers still call me Mrs. X that is fine, I won't make a big deal of it.

My daughter's middle name is my maiden name, and my son's is my mother's maiden name. So my kids are connected through their names to my family, and I don't anticipate they will see it as any sort of rejection.

Changing my name when I married was much harder emotionally for me than I thought. I didn't realize until I was faced with changing it how much of my identity was wrapped up in my name. I think I will feel much stronger and independent with my "own" name back. But again, it may be harder than I think when I am actually faced with the decision.

The only thing I'm not sure about is my middle name. I changed my middle name to my maiden name when I married. I really hate the middle name my parents gave me. So I may not have a middle name. Or I may pick something from my native American heritage to celebrate my independence!

I like your thinking. 

Jean

 

I now hsve my grandmother's maiden last name.

It feels very right.

You have just one child -- a son, right?  How was he with your name change (assuming you both shared the same last name before you changed?)

Jean

Jean,

I have 3 kids. The name change was not a sensitive issue for them.

Doing it was important to me. It was a healthy move. After all those experiences with the X, I couldn't even sign that name any more. It was free and easy during divorce.

Do what's right for you.

Jean,
I recall when my mother opted to change her name following her divorce. As a child I didn't like it, but I got over it and now I agree that it was the right thing for her to do. From everything you wrote, it sounds like it is the right decision for you. You have obviously thought a lot about it. I say change your name!

Marie

I had hesitated to put this issue up on this board because I thought I thought someone might take it as a racist issue, which it's not at all.  It's all about reclaiming myself, and being comfortable with who I am now.

Thank you so much for all your helpful responses.

Jean