GT, a very heart felt post on the member's forum. I could certainly feel the pain of both you and H in your words. If you can get there (gettingthere), so can we.

Wow.

GT's post does NOT say how much her presence, level head, and attitude helps others today. So I'll say it.

Thanks (again) GT.

Chris.

... in that fan club.

Yeah. What they said.

Wow

Cory

"When trouble is solved before it forms,who calls that clever? When there is victory without battle, who talks about bravery? - The Art Of War

That story kinda re-affirms my faith in counselors too. She must have recognized that you were ready to face yourself, GT. It's great to be reminded that there are counselors/therapists out there who can be so perceptive and so helpful.

After reading some of the stories on counselors, I realize even more how fortunate I was in that department. I chose the one I did because a friend had mentioned her name to me. But I realize now it wasn't a "coincidence" that I ended up in her office.

The counselor told me during my first session that her specialty was in dealing with children who had been abused. That she was raped when she was a teenager, and had chosen her profession for that reason. Her lifelong goal was to help other's deal with the trauma. Although she dealt with couples and marital problems she made it clear that was not where her "heart" really was. And if that's the only road I wanted to go down, then she would be happy to refer me to a colleague. It's interesting to note that my first counselor after Dday did claim to specialize in marital problems and infidelity, yet she told me after a few sessions that we should stop talking about the affair and get on with our lives.

My second counselor was a firm believer in healing yourself first, and then the rest would follow. There were days I walked out of that office so mad at her that I vowed to not go back again. But something about her style always kept me from giving up. Maybe it was the way she challenged me, I'm not sure.

I mentioned in another post that I was raped when I was a child. At the time it happened I learned to bury it deep inside me. And as a result I was mad at the world for not protecting me. It was very cleansing after all those years to finally be able to get that out in the open and talk to someone. Especially someone who knew where to guide me regarding closure. I would never have picked a therapist who specialized in childhood abuse, but as it turns out she was exactly what I needed.

I'm finding that people (at least the one's I am around) are still not comfortable talking about rape. I know a lot of that is because most just don't know what to say, and that's understandable. It's kind of like infidelity, if you've not experienced it then it makes you uncomfortable (sometimes) to talk to someone who has. Some still feel that topics of that nature should remain a "secret" and not brought out into the open. But some of us have learned that bringing things out in the open is often the best way to deal with it and find the healing we need.

A few months back I talked with my Mother for the first time since it happened. We discussed the way it was handled at the time, or rather not handled. I'm still working my way through those feelings and that conversation. The way it was "not" handled is as painful to me as the rape itself.

H2C, Chris, Cory, Quinn

Thank you for your kind words and support. You guys were some of the "key" people who helped me when I found Arrow.  

GT

As you know, NM experienced that same trauma as a child. And like you, it was not dealt with in a healing way. And lucky for us we had a counselor that was skilled in childhood trauma as well. What a difference this has made in figuring out all this infidelity stuff. There seems to be a common link to this type of trauma for betrayers and former betrayers. I would hope that all betrayers for their own good would take a look, hard as that might be, into their childhood for some of the answers.

My wife reminds me all the time how lucky I am that I had a normal happy childhood. No doubt.

I am an adult survivor of incest, and work with abused children. I met and talked at length with a therapist conducting groups and IC for male adult survivors of sexual abuse. The stats are surprising... 1 in 4 females and 1 in 10 males have been sexually abused. The trauma may linger for years before with intense therapy and sometimes group work the survivor can come to term with the traumatic experience.

Yes, GT, you have come a long way

And as you walk you make your path Kat

>>It's interesting to note that my first counselor after Dday did claim to specialize in marital problems and infidelity, yet she told me after a few sessions that we should stop talking about the affair and get on with our lives<<

One of these days, I'm going to track down the training manual that marriage counselors read - the one that says that after an affair, couples should not talk about it but move on. I don't know of any other area of psychology in which clinicians encourage patients not to talk about an enormously significant life event.

At the moment, I see a cognitive-behavioral-type therapist that I like very much. Today he asked a little about my experience with marriage counseling. I told him that each of our three marriage counselors had left me feeling traumatized again (not traumatized the way a child must be traumatized by sexual abuse but traumatized nevertheless) .... because each of them seemed to support my ex-wife so strongly. They supported her notion that "not talking" was the best approach . They made it clear that they believed her when she said that she had not had an affair (which meant that they did not believe me when I suggested that she had not told the whole truth about her affair). They also made it clear that the biggest obstacle to returning to a happy life together was me - I still felt the need to talk about the affair (actually, I would have said that I wanted to be told the truth and not the bullshit line I had been fed).

My current therapist seemed to understand what I was telling him and why my experience with marriage counseling had been re-traumatizing. In fact, at one point he stopped to wonder aloud if he had ever failed to support a betrayed spouse in that same kind of way. I could almost see the light bulbs go off. Needless to say, I did not get the sense from him that he was just telling me that he understood how I felt about marriage counseling in order to gain my confidence (or whatever). He seemed to genuinely understand. It was one of the most memorable (magical?) moments that I've ever had in almost five years (on and off) of therapy. I've finally found a professional that "gets it".

Kat>>>>>>The trauma may linger for years before with intense therapy and sometimes group work the survivor can come to term with the traumatic experience>>

Part of my dealing with the rape is learning the balance with own daughter. I'm finding that it's tough for me to find the right balance between letting her "grow up" and trying to over protect her because of MY past. I have a hard time distinguishing between what issues are her's and which one's are mine that I'm trying to push off on her. Does that make sense?

GT

 

Yes, it does.... and that is why very early, very early I decided not to have children. I did not want to have to deal with the issues you are now facing. Selfish.... you bet you... rational? NO...regrets? none

That is why I dedicated myself to working with children at risk.

And as you walk you make your path Kat