My wife had an A 2 years ago, continued contact for 10 months until she broke it off completely, came clean about a second A which lasted 2 yrs previous to the last one. different guy. So you can see i had all the gaslighting, lying etc..
we have been moving forward through all the stages you know so well. I secretly still watch and listen closely to everything she sez and does. Last week she called me just to bullshit (can i say that?) and asked me where i was, where i was going. somthing rang a bell because I got "that feeling" she was going to school to registar for her last masters class so i turned around and went to the campus. I called the cell and asked where she was and rushed over and surprised her ( just happend by) she looked a litte harried (me too) that i was there.
While she waited in line i went over to the computer to see if there was any class i wanted to take. Well, as most of you will understand i did a search on the last OM name just for kicks and it turns out he is a professor there (music/musician) I track this guy a couple of ways and he lives at least 75 miles away in a different state as far as i know. imangine my surprise.
I asked her about it immediatly and was given the "i am in complete shock" answer. seems believeable but i keep going back to ALL the times she was able to fool me in the past. OK so now i can't seem to believe he is there, never told her, never looked her up. We have been doing well and she has done everything to make this right. Am i a fool again?
Mark,
No you are not a fool again....I would not judge W yet....but be watchful...something... gut feeling kicked in...listen to your gut feelings....but do give W the benefit of doubt...96% says she didn't know...but that nagging 4% is the trust that was lost during the A...
Mark talk to your wife about your feelings...holding them in is not healthy...then listen to W and what she says....
First things first...yes, you can say "bullshit" here. The language filters are turned off, and the founders envisioned stories exactly like yours as being "normal" usage of words like that.
One thing about your story jumped out, and I need to ask for clarification. Are you saying that "stuff" like this triggers you because when it happened before, the purpose was to cover up something by "hiding it in plain sight"?
My first question would be what has your wife been doing up to this point? If she has been doing everything that she can to rebuild the trust then I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
I also agree with Pat. Bring it out into the open again and ask your wife about it. You should be able to tell by her reaction if she was shocked by the news that he is a professor there.
As a former betrayer I can tell you that sometimes it's tough to know what the "right" reaction is when the OP's name is brought up. One of my children and I ran into the OM quite awhile after my affair ended. It was something that I had no control over. I didn't want to bring it up and ruin my husband's day, but yet I didn't want my child to bring it up and him think I was hiding it. If it's something that is bothering you, please ask her. Chances are, especially if she's been doing all the right things, she's worried about it too.
Does she seem to understand why you would be suspicious? If she does and if she wants to know what she can do to reassure you, then you've got one kind of answer to the big question.
If she does anything that looks like the "I can't understand why you would suspect something is going on - what's wrong with you" dance, then you've got a very different kind of answer.
As Pat says, what does your gut tell you after the initial surprise wears off?
Pat, i understand the 4% and i expressed them to her within 5 minuets, i listen hard now, very hard. One of the reasons I don't go to any MC etc.. is because they look at you after two years like it is my problem. Could be, but I think only those of us that have been through it understand.
Chris, Yes, stuff like this happened for 10 months before she ended her second A. I remember certain conversations like yesterday and to me, she could lie looking directly in to my eyes and I would believe her. I am sure many of us have had this happen and maybe i am such a poor actor i can not figure out how somebody can do this convincingly. My issue is that I mentally prepare myself to leave the marriage everytime it happens.
GT, My wife for the first year did everthing i could want but as i am sure you experienced, it wanes and things become "normal". I did ask her right away and expressed my concern. I think she was hurt that i do not trust her yet. Has not seen him, no communication and he makes her sick.
Quinn, I will tell you that her reaction was rather sublime finding out that the OM works there, told me I should confront him right then and that she is feeling stalked. He knows she goes to school there. I can't believe HE has not tried to contact. In my face to face contact with him he was clear that he would never stop trying because of the way that i treated her. I know it's been two years and outside of stuff like this, errant phone numbers from no where etc.. i have no eveidence she is not telling the truth.
For about three years, my ex-wife didn't seem too worried that I would leave her. In fact, she almost challenged me to leave, telling me that I wouldn't because I was too afraid to be alone, for example. If I mentioned any of my suspicions, she refused to talk about them or she tried to convince me that the problem was "all in my head". I was curious about (what seemed to me like) her almost complete lack of empathy. At the time, I couldn't understand it but it left me with a nagging knot in my gut. In retrospect, I think that she was probably so emotionally invested in her affair that she had lost almost all ability to sense what I might be feeling.
Three years later, when she began to realize that I was going to leave her, her attitude changed dramatically. She became hypersensitive to anything that might seem suspicious to me (she and the OM continued to work for the same company but in different departments). I was amazed at how hard she tried to convince me that there was "nothing going on". By that point, I believed her but sadly I found that I no longer cared.
In your case, the OM has vowed that he would never stop "trying". He now teaches at the same univ where he knows your wife studies but he has not attempted to contact her. She was unaware that he worked there. Now that she knows where he works, she feels stalked.
Does your w seem to understand that you are looking at one incredible set of coincidences? Why is it your responsibility to confront him instead of her responsibility to reassure you that those are (in fact) coincidences? If he has not attempted to contact her, why does she feel stalked?
>>One of the reasons I don't go to any MC etc.. is because they look at you after two years like it is my problem. Could be, but I think only those of us that have been through it understand<<
That was my experience with MC - two years after d-day AND two months after d-day.
This message has been edited by Quen10 on Jan 26, 2005 10:52 AM
Don't forget there is a person on campus whose name is "the Dean". You and your W can always have a chat with this person if she is feeling stalked. Of you can just warn "the professor" of your intention to have a chat with the Dean of his dept.
Does your w seem to understand that you are looking at one incredible set of coincidences? Why is it your responsibility to confront him instead of her responsibility to reassure you that those are (in fact) coincidences? If he has not attempted to contact her, why does she feel stalked?
Your ability to read my confused posts is helpful. You said what i feel "an incredible set of coincidences" was what I told her. I don't believe in coincidence like i used to. So here i am, on the fence again, never knowing which way to go. I just don't have the time to investigate like i used to. I asked her if she would go confront him with me and she said yes but would rather not see him again.
GT, if this had happened to you, this coincidence, what would your response have been? My wife seemed quite like your recovery for some time so i am looking for simalar/dissimilar response. She did not seem shaken at the point of finding out.
At this point my first thought on anything having to do with the OM is...Why did I ever bring this man into our lives??" I know that anything having to do with him, for the rest of our lives, will be somewhat of a trigger for my husband. And I always worry what my husband's reaction will be when it does come up. Not that I think he will be mad, but that it will once again drudge up painful memories. I also still worry when I run into the OM and he's not with me, that he will think it's not a coincidence and that I knew he would be there.
We have set clear boundaries where the OM is concerned. He pops up in our community and in conversations with other people at times. Every piece of information I hear about him, no matter how trivial, we have agreed that I will share it with my husband. That way there is no miscommunication.
In your situaton had we both been there and found out the OM was working at a place I was going to be (and I truly did not know) I would have said....I had no idea he worked here....tell me what you would like for me to do now that we know.
>>She did not seem shaken at the point of finding out>>
I may not have "seemed" shaken on the outside, but I would have been on the inside.
>>>told me I should confront him right then and that she is feeling stalked>>
I also have to ask, if he has not tried to contact her, then why is she feeling stalked? Has he done this in the past? And why is it your responsibility to confront him? Have the two of you agreed that this is the way situations with him will be handled? Or is she looking to you to "fix" this for her?
No, she was clear she feel stalked by him. Yes, he did the driving by the house thing, joined my tennis league and gerenally made himself known to me during the months after it had ended for good. She wrote a NC letter, he moved and I had not seen him since.
I think I understand now why your wife might feel "stalked". He promised never to give up, he did the drive by's, and generally got in your way for awhile, and now he's gone to work at the school that your w attends.
If he made not attempt to contact her, I can easily imagine your w not knowing that he worked there, especially if she is studying an unrelated field.
i have let it drop but i keep running this through my head daily, it just seems so impossible that he has not contactd her. Many of you know my W from another place so you know that she truely says all the right things and is trying to put back together sometimes w/o my help. What i can not get out of my head is playing all those times in the past that she could look me in the eye and make me believe her. So, i guess i am not as fine. we have not talk about this since the day found out e was working at her school.
The problem is that he lives in NH and he has to drive by 50 schools to get to this one many many miles away. On top of this i am up for a promotion that would include a move to Michigan. I feel hugh stress about this as well because both the affairs started after we moved. She says she will be OK with the move but i feel strongly that she will do anything to please me. She told me she wanted to move the last time to get away from the OM1 (even though she continued the A long distance) is she now trying to get away from OM2. it is tough to be betrayed..
>>What i can not get out of my head is playing all those times in the past that she could look me in the eye and make me believe her>>
Trust is something that takes a long long time to restore. Even at 6 years out I know my husband still must have moments of doubt. I believe he always will simply because of what you mentioned above. If I could look him in the eye before and lie to him, then what's to keep me from doing it again? Even though I've done all the right things these past few years the fact still remains, I was capable of being that person once, so in his mind I could potentially be her again.
What you're feeling (IMO) is normal Mark. You don't trust her completely, even though she is doing all the right things. Everyone here, whether WS or BS understands that. I'm sure your wife understands that as well. From what you've said in the past your wife is trying to help you with your doubts when you share them with her.
>>She says she will be OK with the move but i feel strongly that she will do anything to please me>>
Having it all out on the table seems to keep a dark cloud from hovering above us. I would encourage you to tell your wife exactly what you are feeling and let her help you work through your fears. Talking about anything and everything has been a big key for us. That way neither of us is left wondering what the other is thinking.
I'm sorry this has happened Mark and has set you back. My guess is that even though you haven't talked about it again, it is bothering your wife too.
My H has had over 7 affairs - in my opion mutliple affair partners don't want to be married and you/we are just their doormat, convenient and a air of respectability. Get out now and find someone who wants to married if you still want a committed relationship.
Cathy, at several points in my recovery i would have (and did) tell others the same thing you are telling me. As you get futher along you will realize, it is not that simple. Many people here helped when I went through those stages and continue to help me now. At a point in your recovery you can expect the same realization. Hope you are well.
