I have been struggling lately...Maybe you all can help...

I am SOOOOO oversensitive to when H does not spend time alone with me...I guess it all goes back to the time he spent with OW...even though that was addiction and escape, I still feel like his time with her was sooooooooooooo important to him, and time alone with me is not worth prioritizing....

He has started going back to AA which was highly recommended by the counselors, even though he has been sober for years and years..The counselors are treating the A as an addiction/escape, and so they see AA as valuable for his recovery from that...Also, the counselors suggested AA as a place to meet male friends since his lack of male friends has also been identified as a factor that led to the A...When OW became his friend, the friendship was too important to him which helped lead to the A....All of that to say that he sees going to AA as a positive thing in our recovery from the A...and I agree with that...But, unfortunately, when he goes to the meetings, he ends up talking, etc after and it becomes the whole evening...While I know this is good, I feel like our alone time is being impacted, and I am going right back to feeling like he does not value spending time alone with me as lovers....

After a few AA nights in a row, last night he wanted to watch the Academy Awards which killed another night...I got soooo angry...I felt like if last year OW called and wanted to spend time with him, he would not be watching the stupid tv....

H feels like I am demanding too much from him...He feels like he spends all his time with me, but I don't count time with the kids, doing chores, or watching tv as time alone...After all, OW didn't have to share him with all these things....She got the good stuff...And it makes me absolutely CRAZY that he does not prioritize spending time alone with me when he prioritized spending time alone with her....

He says he was out in orbit when he was seeing her, and now he is healthy and balancing things in life....and has been working on being a good husband and father for the past year, so then I feel badly that I get so upset...He says he can not please me no matter what he does, and he sees it as me criticizing him when I get angry which does not help our recovery...I keep trying to explain I don't mean it as criticism, but I need to feel like me being his lover (not mother of children or business partner in the household) is a high priority to him...I don't understand why us spending quality time ALONE together is not as urgent in his head as it is in mine...

I'd appreciate any feedback on this as this has been an ongoing battle...I don't want to destroy our marriage if I am being too needy...However, I don't like the way I feel when it seems like he does not need me as his lover....It brings up too many thoughts of him going out of his way to see her like she was the best thing that ever happened in his life...He says he did that because it was something that he couldn't get all the time, and he knew it wasn't going to last...like, get it while you can..Oh, I get it...she was the special treat...I'm just the old wife

Am I crazy??? Yeah, probably, but some of you probably understand my insanity.....

Marie, I responded on your post on HH

And as you walk you make your path Kat

IMO, it's not being "too needy" to expect your spouse/lover's exclusive attention for a while each day.

I think it is being "too needy" to expect your spouse/lover's exclusive attention for a while each day WITHOUT MAKING CLEAR how you expect it and when.

If you can tell him this clearly, all by itself: "I need _____ from you", then it's not criticism, it's what you need. If you mix anything else in with that statement, you run some risk of making it critical.

Life is only simple when we work hard to make/keep it simple.

Chris.

I'm exactly the same. Want to spend time talking. He says we can talk while he watches the golf. Um, no!! He says we talk all the time, sure we do, about everyday stuff, not us. And sex, well, I've said this before and I'm not sure if people understand me. I feel that he wants sex with me because he wants sex, needs sex. So he has it with the person he's in bed with - me. He doesn't actually fancy me, I'm just there. It's a bit like masturbating, only more realistic. But with HER, he fancied her like mad, couldn't get enough of her. So, I want him to want ME not just sex. Maybe you understand where I'm coming from.
As for your problem, if I was you, I'd try and busy myself with other 'important' things, so YOU don't have time to sit and spend time with him. See if that makes him start thinking 'hang on a minute, she's supposed to always want to spend time with me' It'd be really great if you could go out and do things for you, like sports, or a social club, or something, and when you come home, you talk about it, not about HIM and you!! See what I mean? Try putting the boot on the other foot, and see if that makes a difference.
Good luck xxx

Deleted this cos it was a copy of the last message. Pressed the respond button twice. Sorry!!

First let me say I don't think you are being needy. It sounds like a communication break down.

Sometimes as former betrayers even though we get it, we still don't really "get it." I was guilty of not seeing the need my husband had for my attention even though he pointed it out to me quite frequently. He could see how I had gone out of my way to make time for the OM, and he wanted that as well.

It sounds like your husband is maybe doing the things HE thinks you need him to do, or the things HE thinks he needs to be doing, instead of the things you are telling him you need. In other words, it sounds like he's just not listening the things you are saying you need from him. Yet, in his mind he's making an honest attempt to work on himself,  but feels you are not seeing those attempts. That doesn't mean you aren't seeing them, it just sounds like HE doesn't think you are.

Wanting alone time with him and his undivided attention does not make you needy. But my guess is that he has yet to see how important that is to you. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he's busy doing what HE thinks will show you he's serious about changing.

Sometimes as I said we just don't get it until it's spelled out to us clearly and spelled out to us over and over. Also, it always helped if my husband could tell me how it made him feel when I didn't do the things he was asking of me. For some reason knowing how he would feel if I didn't do it was a big motivator for me to try my best to do it.

How are things now Marie?

GT