Well my whole family was here today and ex came to drop the kids off a little early on his weekend so that my boys could see all their cousins. There were about 20 of us. All my sisters and their kids and hubbies, my parents and BF and his daughter met us a bit later. When he came to drop them off, he said hi to everyone but stayed for a very short time because I could tell he felt uncomfortalbe and when he left he wouldn't look anyone in the eye and didn't say goodbye to them, only me. I think he was tearing up because he looked like it and he turned away and said bye to me very quietly. It was real weird.
Some of my family members had asked how they should act around him because many of them are pretty angry at him. I told them to act however they wanted to but if they acted decent and not too cold it may actually make him realize that he cares about being "out of the loop" now instead of how lucky he is to be out of my family. Bitterness and anger don't really have a place here and I would never want someone to do that to anyone. They said hi but nothing else. I just don't know what to think. I know he deserved to feel left out, I know he definitely probably misses my family because he enjoyed being with them and we were the most functional family he's ever been in, I know he doesn't miss me at all (well I think anyway) but he does miss my family. Why do I feel bad that me may have teared up? I guess because I think he expected them to welcome him with open arms and they didn't, but they did say hi. It was very strange. A few days ago when one of my sisters just got here with her kids, he sat down on my couch and talked to her for a while. They were closer than the others because she and her hubby used to live in the area. Anyway, I was picking up the kids bags and trying to get him to leave but he thought he would stay a bit. I don't think it is fair that he thinks he is still part of my family but also feel bad that he is hurt by it. I hate having a conscience sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I hated him. I am absolutely positive I don't want him back but don't want him hurting either. I feel he is weak and just plain stupid sometimes and want him to live a decent life albiet not with me :>) I am deeply in love with new guy and think he is a far better person than ex.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Mar 21, 2005 4:05 PM
Charlie, I think you'll get to a point of indifference eventually. But it's hard to pour yourself into a relationship with someone and then adjust emotionally to the rational fact that it's over.
Give it time.
Incidentally, I have a situation in my family similar to the one you described. My ex is pretty friendly with one sister's husband. I gather that they still talk fairly frequently. And you know, that's fine. But it ain't happening in my house; I think you showed remarkable restraint when your ex camped out to chat at your place.
Well, ex called today to tell me the day he'd see the kids this week and he told me he understands how my family may feel about him. He said he left quick because he felt uncomfortable and I told him that I was sorry it was uncomfortable for him and that if he wanted to, I would come out to get the kids with a couple minutes heads up if he would rather do that next time there is a lot of family around. He didn't really answer but I imagine in the future he may want to do that. I don't mind either way.
Chris
I'm not sure I would ever feel indifferent for someone feeling uncomfortable. I think that is just the type of person I am. I put myself in their position and think how I would feel and don't think that will ever change for me. I mean, I didn't get quite the embraces from his parents as I used to get either but they certainly said hi and his mom was trying to strike up a conversation and was asking me to try the new Lindt Chocolate that she had brought with her. I guess I feel bad because they are still including me somewhat and my family is a bit angry with him. I guess he can't expect the same with the things he's done though. He's laid his bed...
Charlie,
I found your post and your replies very thought provoking. It is really strange to read you describe the situation because it is really already happening here. My Mam is staying with me a few days and of course she has been fantastic. I even crawled up next to her a couple of nights ago and fell asleep laid against her arm! I woke up two hours later and felt such peace, something I have not felt in a long while.
Anyhow we talked and mam said how bitter she felt towards H and then she basically went through each membe rof my close family and recounted there 'spin' on him and the situation. H is no longer welcome in anyone of their homes, or hearts. They have all rallied around me and the kids and he is gone from it. What struck me from your post is how sad it will be for my H to realise like your own just what else he has 'cut loose' with his behaviour. His own family - only one sister is not interested in anything unless it resembles a Horse,acts like a Horse, smells like a Horse or is a Horse! so as he is not part of that set he will not be included in anything.
Until I read your post I had it all around the wrong way. I was thinking about how sad and alone and lost I would be at a family function without him, but your post made me realise that IF I was to feel sad it would not be because he was not with me, but becasue H was no longer part of a functional family. The one he is aligned with now is the most dysfunctional I have ever encountered, at last count there were two convicted murderers (father and son), one pedophile, 6 teenage pregnancies, two burglars, several affairs and divorces, and of course if H stays with OW and they marry eventually my son and his GF will be step brother and sister!
All in all I think any sadness I might feel will be short lived but like you my own strongly developed sense of what is 'right' would compel me to feel compassion for his situation even if he has brought it all on himself.
I guess by feeling that I get the reminder that my moral compass is in fine working order thank you. Just like yours.
Jean UK
"Until I read your post I had it all around the wrong way. I was thinking about how sad and alone and lost I would be at a family function without him, but your post made me realise that IF I was to feel sad it would not be because he was not with me, but becasue H was no longer part of a functional family"
Jean
Interesting, I guess I do feel that he doesn't have nearly the family support that I have. His parents are pretty good for him, support wise, not quite as close as my family members and he only has a sister besides them and he has never been close to her. I guess in some small way, my family was a very large part of his life. I don't ever feel sad at family functions without him because when we were together I nearly always went without him anyway because he was ALWAYS working and/or gone. I am definitely used to a lot of loneliness, not that I like it, but I am okay with it because it has always been that way. I know it hasn't always been that way for him but if he had wanted to, he could have made our marriage work but he didn't have it in him.
My brother and his wife divorced several years back, I believe it's been 10 years now. I'm not exactly sure how many affairs she had in the course of their marriage, but she married the last OM and is still married to him. She and my brother dated for a good while and then were married for 20 years, so she was a big part of our family.
My whole family tried to reach out to her right after the divorce because of the two children involved, but she would have nothing to do with any of us. At graduations, school functions, or simply passing us on the street she literally turned her head the other way. The rest of my family gave up years ago trying to be nice to her.
For some reason ( I'm not really sure why) I have persisted. I've sent a Christmas card to her every year and included a photo of my children. I've also sent her cards with photos I've taken of my niece and nephew over the years while they were at my house. I honestly don't know why I've done those things, other than I wanted my niece and nephew to feel that I was including them in the things I was doing for the other family members. I ask about her everytime I see them and tell them to say "hi" for me.
I honestly can't tell you why I do this. As I said, the rest of my family gave up years ago and they get on my case for still trying to reach out to her. I've often wondered if I try to reach out to her because I had an affair myself, and know how ashamed I would feel when it came to my husband's family if we had divorced over it. When reading your post about your ex and your family it dawned on me that I just might be adding to her shame and maybe should just leave her alone. My niece and nephew are grown now and just this past year moved out on their own.
I know how I would feel around my in-laws if they knew of my affair. And I would most likely avoid them altogether, and them me.
I'm sorry it puts you in a difficult position when your ex is around your family. The fall out from an affair is something the betrayer never takes into account. I'd be willing to bet that your ex is seeing that now though, even if it's in some small way. As you said he made his bed and now he's having to live with the consequences of his choices.
I have to say though, in spite of the difficult day you sound really strong and positive about your life here lately. Good for you Charlie, good for you.
You know the funny thing is that my family is mostly mad for letting his addictions and poor habits rule over his family and not trying harder. They could have forgiven an A and they did for a while when we were trying to make it work, but now that he is out of the picture, I guess they are mad about it all. They are especially mad that he couldn't change his ways and stop the lying.
Before all of this we had a fine family life and still do for the present.We get on well with each others parents,WS and my mum get on like a house on fire and her parents think the world of me,all is perfect in their eyes.She does not want her parents to know and Im going along with her for now,but at the time of discovery I wanted to tell them,probably through shock and wanting to do something back.They would all give her so much s***,and as for my mum,she would never speak to WS again.
I also have close family living near me here and I cant say anything to them yet.Sometimes its so frustrating as my cousins call and they know something is up but I say its nothing to worry about.I feel I need those closest to me at this time but dont want to polarise them in case we do make it.Its a dilemma for me not to be able to confide in those closest to me,but I guess its still a bit soon.
'One cannot answer for his courage when he has never been in danger'
This message has been edited by StPauli on Mar 24, 2005 10:22 AM
Jon, I understand your sentiments. I share them; I never told anyone for five years until we separated (headed for divorce). Only then did I finally tell one sister and my parents. Like you, I didn't want to poison everyone against my wife if we worked things out.
Of course, I found the predecessor to these boards (and with it, many fine people). Finding these people saved my sanity and helped me find my way through this mess.
