There are nights, like tonight, where I find that a couple glasses of wine just make the night a bit easier. Does it hurt? Does it make me an alcoholic? I'm not much of a drinker, just sometimes it's nice to dull the pain, dull the loneliness, dull the questions, dull the curiosity. The kids have all been sick with fevers, the doctor says that it's just a viral thing and will go away. Which it does after two days, so one is feeling back to normal, the other has a fever, and feels normal when taking Motrin, then the third is either coming down with it or teething. I've been here all day, stuck in these 4 walls. Sewing has been my only outlet, making my belly dance costume for the big dance show this weekend (nervous as all get out about getting up infront of people). My H is out on side jobs and is just now on his way home (9pm) yet he needs to make a stop by a friend's house to drop off a key and entry password.

I haven't gotten drunk in weeks, haven't even taken a drink in over 3 weeks.br />

I just worry. When he does get home he'll be worried about me, thinking that I'm drinking too much, drowning my sorrows, and hating himself for making me that way. I tell him that sometimes it's easier than waiting up for him and getting into a discussion so late at night.

Does it hurt?

J,

Are you on any meds for your depression and anxiety??? just curious....

And as you walk you make your path Kat

The counselor felt that I would be okay, but just yesterday I was having a total meltdown. Told my H that I was nothing but pieces of a person all over the floor. The counselor knows how depressed I can get but since it's occasional, he's not so worried. Says that H and I seem to be able to talk it through.

J

"Does it hurt? Does it make me an alcoholic? I'm not much of a drinker, just sometimes it's nice to dull the pain, dull the loneliness, dull the questions, dull the curiosity"

It only makes you an alcoholic if you NEED it every night or nearly every night. I can say that I drank a little more wine than I usually did after my ex's A but it never lasted long and I could stop drinking and I never did it at inappropriate times like when I had to care for my kids, drive, or be somewhere with a clear head. I only did it maybe a couple times a week and only 2-3 glasses at the most and that is about the most I've ever drank in one week. If your asking if it makes you an alcoholic then it might be a good idea to tell your counselor (if you have one) just how much your drinking to see if they think it is out of control or not. I knew for me it wasn't an issue, just a temporary good feeling when I wanted to feel no pain. The other bad thing about alcohol is that it is a depressant so if your real depressed it certainly won't help you feel better in that respect.

Charlie

I was not much of a drinker either. A case of beer would last me for over a year. Hardly ever touch the stuff even though I've been making my own wine for about 15 years. Gave most of it away for Christmas gifts. But in the last 2 years I have, like you, started easing my pain with a couple of glasses of wine just before bedtime. Then I noticed that I wanted to start earlier "to relax". I started drinking the wine about 5 times a week which started to alarm me. It helped with the pain but then it started a whole new set of problems. I hated getting out of bed the next day. Next thing I knew I was stopping in a bar for lunch (totally not my style) and I would have a couple of glasses of wine.

I know of another betrayed spouse that went through this same thing and she had children that depended on her.

Just be careful that you don't become too dependent on the wine to ease the pain.

I agree, H2C. Some drink to remember, some drink to forget. In times of stress, it's common for people to reach for another drink. When it comes to self-medication, there is no drug more popular than alcohol but there are better alternatives.

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here

I always found alcohol increased my depression. It may not always have done it right away, but it did.

Alcohol used to make me sleep better though, at first when I couldn't sleep to save my life.

I was never much of a drinker. It didn't fit into my idea of a "moral" lifestyle. No cursing, no smoking, no drinking, no carousing with loose women... Before D-Day, I'd probably only have a few glasses of wine a year, and usually felt guilty about doing it. In fact, I'd look around in shame at a grocery store for even BUYING a bottle of wine.

After D-Day I went through a few distinct phases...

The first, a gut reaction to my wife's behavior. I felt the mistake happened because we strayed from our "moral" lifestyle. If we had lived life the way we were "supposed" to live it, this never would have happened. I quit drinking entirely and insisted my wife do the same. I wanted to reign her in, get life back under control, we were going to rise above this issue. I was sure of it. Of course, that phase was foolish and rather short lived.

Then I went through a self destructive phase. Despite my best attempts, I was still hurting. I didn't care anymore. I started drinking, and at times drank a lot. I'm a cheap drunk, and can't hold my liquor. So, a few drinks was all it generally took to put me to sleep (which I welcomed). And, I'm generally a "goofy" drunk, so a few drinks allowed me to laugh and smile again, even if it was alcohol induced. Thankfully, that phase didn't last long either.

These day's I'm probably somewhere in between. I just try to enjoy my life now. If I feel like a drink, I'll have a drink. If God strikes me down for having a glass of wine, so be it. Trying to be Mr. Goody Two Shoes didn't prevent the worst pain of my life. Enjoying life a little can't make it any worse.

However, I still try to make wise decisions. I don't smoke because I don't like the smell or health risks. I don't drink and drive, or when I need my wits about me (operating a tablesaw for instance...). I certainly don't NEED the alcohol. I'm just as happy with a Coca-Cola as a beer. And, I don't know any loose women to carouse with...

But, like you, I sometimes have concerns. Am I drinking too much? Am I becoming an alcoholic? etc... My wife and I generally share a bottle of wine every weekend, and on some occasions a glass or two during the week. It's great to have a beer with pizza or German food, or a glass of wine with bread and pasta. They just compliment each other. I seldom ever drink to mask an issue anymore. I drink because I enjoy it, and like the time with my wife. I learned early in my self destructive phase that alcohol didn't solve any of my problems, so I don't use it for that purpose.

Of course, drinking DOES have it's side effects... If we sit down with a glass of wine to watch a movie, it almost always stirs up the munch attacks. So, I've probably got 20 extra pounds that can be attributed, directly or indirectly, to drinking. And, even though I rarely drink enough to get "drunk", a few glasses of wine can slow down reactions in the bedroom, if you know what I mean...

Anthony

"""""a few glasses of wine can slow down reactions in the bedroom, if you know what I mean..."""""

At my age, a few glasses of wine brings it to a screeching hault.

Well, he came home last night and things were fine. He wasn't concerned about my drinking, just laughed at me. He knows that it's been a rough weekend with his side jobs and then the kids being sick and my not getting out of the house at all. The only opportunity I had we had to leave early because our middle child started to not feel well.

I only drink at night, after dinner is cleared and the kids are ready for bed. That's when I would have the first drink. It's usually half gone by the time they hit the sack and then I'll have another (like you, Anthony, I tend to be a cheap drunk). It lifts my spirits just enough since I tend to be a flirtatious, high-spirited drunk - or tipsy person. Generally I don't get drunk, I just get good and tipsy. I don't drink and drive (too many acquaintances who have and regret it in one way or another), I don't smoke (too many family members who had and died or have heal issues because of it). One side effect that it does have on me (which my H likes/loves) is that it enhances my libido (sp?) for some reason. I surely do not slow down in that department. That's why when I went out with friends I always drove and made sure I didn't drink - one or two beers depending on how long we were out. I'm pretty sensible.

It just makes me wonder now that there are nights that I really just want to have a couple drinks - did everyone go through this? Is this normal? Am I going nuts? I told my H this morning that I was in the shower and couldn't remember if I had washed my hair even a minute after I had done so. I told him that I think that I'm losing my mind, can't remember S&*t. He asked why this morning, what was wrong...I told him because I knew that she would be back today, and know that she's wanting desperately to talk to him. Not so much worried about him talking to her, but he's got to stay cool and not be so abrupt at his work. It's just the fact that she can walk up to him and talk if she wants to. He has no where to hide. He feels bad and is trying to get this house fixed up to put it on the market so we can move and pay off a couple bills quicker and then he can quit that job.

Thanks, though, it helps to know that others have been here.

J wrote:

<<I find that a couple glasses of wine just make the night a bit easier. Does it hurt? Does it make me an alcoholic>>

As the others said, I would be real careful...

As a teenager I witnessed my mother drinking over my father's affairs...it was not pretty...My sister and I thought she was an alcoholic...She would sit on Friday nights while he was out and drink and cry...It was not a positive environment for us kids to be in...Today, I do not believe she is an alcoholic because she has drunk only socially for decades now...I believe it was the pain from the affairs, but it was still not good for us to be around...and she lost respect for herself as she drank more, put on weight, etc...Drinking can be like that...we think it is our friend, but it can be damaging us in ways we don't know or acknowledge...br />

Whether or not you are an alcoholic, increasing drinking while you are in such a vulnerable state is probably not going to be good for you....

BTW, I am a recovering alcoholic, sober since 1987...I can tell you that I drank more during times of heartache and stress...but a lot of people drink more during those periods...

In AA, they talk about the question of whether drinking is making your life unmanageable in any way....If it is causing you any problems, it may be something for you to look at...We as BS dont need any other problems in our lives....

Everything that you are describing is normal. Well, at least I went through it too. The memory loss is stress related and the inability (sometimes) to focus. It's a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's normal for this level of trauma experience. Feeling like you are going nuts is normal too, unfortunately.

what about feeling like you want someone to flirt with you and make a fuss over you like the OW did to him? He's not really (and I really don't expect him to) acting like when we first met, making a fuss, leaving me little notes, buying me a flower (just one is just as nice as a bunch), making an effort to go out of his way to do those little things for me. He says that he wants to but loses motivation (is it just me, am I really that unmotivating?).

Now I feel even more vulnerable. I don't want to be out alone, go out with girlfriends (not that I have ever really done that, did it only once since we've been together). I'm afraid that if another guy shows me attention right now, I may want it to go farther. Is this normal???? How do I tell him????? Do I tell him??? Will it hurt us if I do??? What is happening to me????

J wrote:

<<what about feeling like you want someone to flirt with you and make a fuss over you like the OW did to him?

J, these feelings are normal...during the earliest days of our recovery from the A, I thought about this a lot...like, hey, don't I deserve that too? I read somewhere though that most times when BS carry out these thoughts, they end up feeling worse because they end up with the guilt that right now we don't have...But don't beat yourself up for feeling this way....Our self-esteem has taken a beating...of course, we are looking to feel desirable again...Sometimes my H gets this better than other times...Have you talked to your H about how the A has taken a toll on your feelings of desirablility? Does he realize that it is about helping you heal in this area??

<<He's not really (and I really don't expect him to) acting like when we first met, making a fuss, leaving me little notes, buying me a flower (just one is just as nice as a bunch), making an effort to go out of his way to do those little things for me. He says that he wants to but loses motivation (is it just me, am I really that unmotivating>>

No, it's not that you are unmotivating....He is probably a mess emotionally right now too...Also different people show love in different ways...I don't know your H but my H thinks it is a bigger indication of his love for me if he checks the oil and coolant in my car than if he brings me a flower...To him that is taking care of the woman he loves (He never checked OW's oil and coolant! Haha)....I don't know your husband, but try to make sure you look at the whole picture...Finally, have you made sure you are clear with him about things that make you happy? Some of the wise posters here have shared with me that sometimes you need to knock a man upside the head with what you want before they get it!! But then again, my H has to knock me upside the head about some things too...sometimes what is foremost in one person's mind does not even enter another's!

Hang in there

I'm more stressed today, he hasn't given me any reason to feel this way, it's just that I do. I have a dance show to perform in this Sat, I haven't hardly danced for my H let alone in front of anyone other than classmates, and here I will be, up on stage in front of a bunch of people, some I even know. That's adding to it.

Then I have this new stage that I've hit. It scares the crap out of me. I'm doing everything I can do to keep myself together. There was this boy at the grocery store who has a crush on me (I'm almost old enough to be his mother!), so I stopped going to the section that he works in unless he's not there (I peek around the corners first). Either that or I send my H in to get the dairy products. Yet, last night on the way back from dance class I was wanting to stop by the softball fields just to visit and hopefully check in on a few guy friends that we use to hang out with during games. Yet, I know that the only reason why I wanted to stop was to show them how different I look, how much weight I've lost, and feel that maybe someone found me desireable and question where my H was and why we were not hanging out together. But, as fate would have it, no one was around, the games were over. I don't want to be out looking, I don't want to do that to us. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel desperate now. I want to feel stong and know that no matter what happens, I don't need anyone but myself. Yet I want him to chase after me and make a fuss over me.

I know that he didn't do this to her, I know that he didn't chase after her, that he didn't initiate anything other than one or two kisses during their lunches. Yet, why do I want him to do it to me? I just feel that he's not that motivated, that he thinks about it, then he says, "well, maybe tomorrow, I'm just tired right now, I'll just snuggle her, or hold her hand."

I called him at work today, and OW answered the main line. I knew it was her, I will never get her voice out of my head. I asked him if it was her, he said it was. I told him that I hope that I give her the same gut-wrenching feeling that she gives me. He just laughed. This kind-of upset me, why did he laugh, am I being that silly? I can't stand the thought that she might answer whenever I call. That when she does answer that she has to call his name and talk to him, even if it's just to tell him that I'm on the phone. I just don't know if I can go on with this. He says that I just don't want to let it go, is this true, is this what's wrong?

Today is a day that I just don't know if I can go on.

What is wrong with me?????

J wrote:

<<maybe someone found me desireable and question where my H was and why we were not hanging out together....I feel desperate now.>>

J, for your own sake, I would suggest that you try to hold on to the fact that the A had NOTHING to do with how desirable you are...It took me a long time to internalize this too, so I know how you feel, but the truth is in most A's, it is not about the OW being more desirable than the spouse...It is about the rush the WS feels being wanted by another person...Their low self-esteem makes them seek the adoration of another woman...Especially if another woman is coming on to them...it is like a drug...it tells them they are GREAT and they get wrapped up in that feeling, not the person themselves...As my H says, it has NOTHING to do with anything lacking in you...It has to do with what is lacking in the WS...Read, read, read what the experts say....Over and over again, they write that often the OW is no more desirable than the spouse...In many cases, the SPOUSE is actually more desirable, more respectable, and better in bed...It is just the rush of having someone new want them that they crave...When those feelings of undesirability overtake you, force yourself to speak these truths...

<<Yet I want him to chase after me and make a fuss over me.>>

I know...this is normal...but remember no person can do that all the time, especially when we are this needy...we have to find a balance between wanting them to give us what we need and remembering that they are not our slaves either...

<<I just feel that he's not that motivated, that he thinks about it, then he says, "well, maybe tomorrow, I'm just tired right now, I'll just snuggle her, or hold her hand.">>

I have struggled with his too...But remember that snuggling and hand-holding can be a lot more about love than even wild, passionate sex...Snuggling and hand-holding relate to intimacy and love, which is a good thing. Maybe that is how he shows his love dor you....

<<I told him that I hope that I give her the same gut-wrenching feeling that she gives me. He just laughed. This kind-of upset me, why did he laugh, am I being that silly?>>

No, you are not being silly. I would be creeped out if I had to talk to OW...But at the same time, remember that she probably does hate talking to you too...After all, you have the husband for life...She just got used for a short period of time....Does he have a cell-phone you can call him on to circumvent having to talk to her?

Hang in there J

Thanks for your post, Marie, it does help. Yet I'm still wanting to rid myself of anything in my stomach.

I had to drive our truck down and swap vehicles with him. I drove the car back...THE CAR...the car that we bought together after we were married, our first "big" item. The car that we drove each child home from the hospital after delivery. The car that we dreamed of, the car that we worked so hard to get and pay off. THE CAR that he took her out to 3 lunches in and kissed her, told her he loved her, and held her hand.

You wrote:

<I have struggled with his too...But remember that snuggling and hand-holding can be a lot more about love than even wild, passionate sex...Snuggling and hand-holding relate to intimacy and love, which is a good thing. Maybe that is how he shows his love dor you....>

That didn't help much. He didn't have sex with her, he kissed her, she initiated most of the kisses, they even french kissed (something that is still hard for us to do), and they held hands. That's much too much intimacy for me, in THE CAR. Yet he tells me to stop it, get over it.

Then while H and I were out in the parking lot talking, I see on her car that she has emblems of Tinkerbell all over, just so happens that fairies are my thing. My H bought a Tinkerbell keychain back on the 12th of Dec, which he says was for me for Christmas, yet I never got. I found the receipt and when I asked him about it, he says that he lost it. Doesn't know how the bag with change and the receipt ended up in the house, but doesn't have a single clue as to where the keychain went to. I'm wanting to see her keychain to see if it's on there. I know what it looks like, I've went to the store to look at them just so I would know what to look for around the house in case one of the kids took off with it. Haven't found it yet. I just can't get past the coincidence. He got mad and told me that I needed to get over it, that there are a lot of people who like Tink. But I told him that it was quite ironic with her and I and asked him what he would think if he were in my shoes.

He also asked me not to cry, people were suspicious as it was and he didn't need me crying in the parking lot confirming any rumors. (thanks) Then when I called him when I got home, he couldn't believe that it took me so long to get home. Geez, it was all I could do not to pull off every five minutes and puke. Then I had to pull over and get a grip on myself so the neighbor girl wouldn't think that something was up. Get a grip...how do you do that anyhow.

During that conversation he got mad at me again and told me that my problem is that I don't want to get over it. That it doesn't matter what he does to help me mend, he feels that it just fuels my anger even more even though I say that it helps and doesn't fuel my anger.

I don't know, can this stop, does it stop, can I get over this? Is he right, do I not want to get over this, do I not want to let go?

Why does it feel like I'm not getting much better, there are days like today when I'm such a mess that I just wnat to give up, then I feel crappy because I'm doing nothing more than posting long-ass messages on this board and taking up a lot of time from you guys just reading (if you even get the whole way through them), and then mess my H up because "the last thing he wants to do is come home and get into another A discussion and be reminded again about how badly he f'd up and how much pain I'm in. He knows, he feels it, too."

J, you wrote

>>sometimes it's nice to dull the pain, dull the loneliness, dull the questions, dull the curiosity<<

My answer to "does it hurt" is, if you're drinking for these reasons you are self-medicating. If you're acting out your desire to "be desirable", you're self-medicating.

My own opinion is that it would be better to see your doctor and ask about anti-anxiety medication. If you're reluctant, there are online sites with anxiety and depression self-tests. Your posts on this thread seem very ANXIOUS (almost frantic) to me. There's no shame in needing help to manage anxiety, but drinking alone to manage it is probably not the way to go.

Chris.

I'm not sure if this is worth it again. It's the bottom of that rollercoaster hill that I'm on today. Too much has happened, too many triggers. Driving that car, taking him his wallet and a post-it note from his work dropping out, just happens to be the same type of paper (his company has special post-its made up with the co. logo on it) that she wrote most of her notes on, her answering the phone, her liking Tinkerbell (the damn keychain thing again). I don't know if I can take it. I just really feel like taking a break, getting away from him and everyone, and being able to just think about what I really want, but when I say that I need to go out for a walk, he says that I'm just running away. That I feel that it's best to run rather than stick it out. I told him that if he's talking about my ex and me leaving him, that he left before I did, I still tried for 8.5 years. And the abuse just kept getting worse. He cannot say that I'm a runner. I also told him that if I was, I would have left on Jan 1 (D-day).

He's out at another side job, will be home late again. He's upset because I can't get over the keychain issue, I can't get past the issue with the car, and I can't get past the issue of her. What the hell am I suppose to do.

I can't wait until the kids go to bed (another hour!) then I can sit back and surf the 'net and probably have a beer and wait for him. But what will I do when he gets here? I can't talk about these issues, he doesn't want to look forward to coming home and talking about them.

I find myself wishing that I had someone around here that I can actually talk to, most of my friends only know part of the story (we've tried to keep it somewhat quiet as to put shame on him - PLEASE). My friend who does know the whole story is way too busy planning her wedding to talk about it, and I don't want to bring her high feelings down because my life is in such a mess. So, I've even lied to her and told her that we are working out well and I'm okay. Why am I protecting him so much? Is it my pride?

Why am I backing away and not going to try to talk to him about all this tonight because I don't want to upset him? We go to the MC on Monday and I almost can't wait. I'm not sure if the MC really gets it. We told him last time that my H almost had me committed because I was so dehydrated and talking serious suicide, and at that point he didn't care who found out about what was going on between us, he wanted to save me. Now we are back to the "let's try to keep it quiet" stuff. Yet our MC feels that we are conversing very well and has scheduled our session for this coming Monday, then the next one will be in three weeks instead of two (wanting to wean us off of counseling).

>>Yet our MC feels that we are conversing very well and has scheduled our session for this coming Monday, then the next one will be in three weeks instead of two (wanting to wean us off of counseling)<<

The last sentence doesn't fit very well with the rest of the post.

That's what scares me. He has been helpful more for my H, but I'm not as confident. He's helped my H to listen to me and to realize that he had a major act in the A. But there's so much that he hasn't said anything about. For example, there was nothing about writing a NC letter, nothing about how to go about stopping the contact, nothing about boundaries. There are times when he lets us go back and forth and he "watches" then when we are done, he does make a couple comments, but I come out of it thinking "did I really get what I needed across?" And he keeps telling us that we won't be in counseling for ever, that this is just a temporary thing, that when he hears what he's looking for or listening for, then he's going to start weaning us off of counseling. He hasn't even talking to him about the why's of what he did, or even his triggers and how to overcome them. I don't think that I'm comfortable until my H has discussed this and has come to terms with this. I don't even feel that he fully "gets" what has happened. He says that he has, yet is still defensive in our discussions. He says that it's because he doesn't like to be reminded of how much of an f-up he is. And says that he can't be remorseful or show me the feelings and emotions that I'm looking for because that's hard for him right now, he just can't "give" that to me especially when I'm asking for it. It has to be a relaxed conversation and let him do it on his own terms. He also has told me that instead of the question and answer sessions which just piss him off more I would get more out of him as to what all went on if I would just let it come up in general conversation. I ask him how he's going to do that since most of our conversations don't really give good lead into specifics of his A. You know, Me: "oh, hey, you know the kids did this today, we got the church people going door to door again today, the neighbors threw such and such away, can you pick this up at the store?" Him: "oh, sure. Haha, that's funny. Oh, by the way did you know that she did 'this' with me?" Yea, great lead-ins. I just don't see getting any info out of him without the question and answer sessions - which get us hardly anywhere. And now that she's supposedly looking for a new job, he's feeling that once she leaves, all the questions will stop. Will they? I don't know. Can they? She still has his work # and e-mail, he can't block her addy, what can we do then?

I always thought that the term "self-medicating" was interesting.  I mean, if you take any over-the-counter drug, you are self-medicating.

If my memory serves me right (maybe a big "if"), in a course I took about alcoholism the teacher put it this way:  non-alcoholics drink for the enjoyment of it; alcoholics drink to feel "normal" (to escape the pain they feel on a regular basis).  Apparently with alcoholics, the drinking has changed their brain chemistry in such a way that drinking is a relief to them, and makes them feel "normal" or good, physically speaking. 

Like, you could say that I'm a carb-aholic.  I crave refined carbs when I'm feeling rundown and looking for a boost.  Of course that the boost is short-lived and I end up with a blood sugar "crash" and then crave more carbs to bring it up again.  Not a healthy way to live.  But I can conveninetly push that out of my mind when I really waaaaaaaannnnnnnnt those extra chocolate chip cookies....  Denial is a very strong and convenient thing.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son really wanting to have a very stiff drink to escape the pain of my H's cold-heartedness.  I didn't.  But when my H finally left our home years later,  I did imbibe sometimes to relax and dull the pain -- at night, when the children were asleep or at their father's.  I don't think that drinking to dull emotional pain is necessarily a bad thing.  Of course it can be. 

Then again, going through heartbreak, betrayal, and emotional devastation unmedicated is also a bad thing. 

I think the key is acknowledgement and working on the issues behind the self-medication.  

that's my .02

Jean

it's still a tough night. I guess that it's not really "self medicating" when I really just wanted to enjoy one beer, just wanted to relax a bit and get to bed. If I take a hot bath, the kids will be back up and wonder what the heck I'm doing, so this is a bit of peace and quiet, a beer and the internet for a few.

We were up until 2am last night talking - good talking though, not much yelling. He started to get defensive again and then calmed down. Says tha the just hates talking about it and rehashing the fact that he's such a f-up. Says that he hates the fact that he's hurt me so bad. Hates that I'm willing to end my life because I can't stand to live another day not trusting him. He's been the only person in my life since my dad died that I can 100% trust and he knows this.

He did fill me in on more information about the A. Still insists that he can't remember much, he's trying to block out as much as possible about it all.

I came clean about the desire to find another guy who would make a fuss over me and make me feel desireable. Scared him a bit, but he realizes that it's not the real me talking, it's a gut-wrenching hurt side of me. (don't feel it as much anymore, just a little twinge of it now and again)

He also said tha the doesn't want me to drive the car anymore, puts me back into the anxiety attacks that I used to have with my ex. One night I scared my current H so bad he couldn't take it, I sped off in the Bronco so fast, he couldn't get to his car and catch up fast enough and he had a Z-24 sitting a few feet away. By the time I calmed down are realized that I had left him in a panic, I made a U-turn and about tipped the Bronco. He and I discussed this with my counselor back then and worked through that issue. I just thought that I was over it. Guess not. At least he knows my trigger and is helping me stay away from it. Once we sell the house, we can get rid of that car!

We both agree that maybe I need some anti-depressants, something to help with these very deep valleys that I've been going into. We also agree that we are going to have a talk with our MC and tell him that we need him to be more aggressive with us, work with us more on our personal issues or we just need to find another one. He knows that he still hasn't discussed and worked through all of his triggers. We talked about one last night. He also said that he's trying so hard to keep my head above water, that if he brings up what all he's feeling and emotionally going through that it would really put both of us down so deeply that he's not sure if either one of us would be able to help the other. Definately need more or better help here.

I told him today, that I'm a bit calmer yet I still feel like I'm trying to chug up that hill, then I hit a grease spot and slip back down. It's hard, but at least we are conversing better.

J,

PLEASE see your doctor SOON. S/he can refer you to a mental health professional. Clearly your marriage counselor is not helping YOU to deal with the anxiety.

There is no shame in needing help to handle the roller-coaster.

Chris.