Previous research has clearly shown that marriage is associated with health benefits for men but the association in women is less consistent or of lesser magnitude.

This study sheds new light on the relationship between cardiovascular health and marital satisfaction in women. A cluster of cardiovascular risk factors (mild dyslipidemia, central adiposity, hypertension, and insulin resistance/hyperglycemia) was lower in maritally satisifed women than in maritally dissatisfied, women, or widowed women.  However, there was no evidence that the risk of cardiovascular disease was greater in single women than in maritally satisfied women.

Archives of Internal Medicine
http://archinte.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/165/9/1022

My blood pressure was on the highest end of normal toward the end of living with a cheating, drinking, and beginning abusive X.

Now it's in the normal to low normal range.

I can safely say that the impact the X had on me was damaging and severe. It made me sick--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Also, I am almost 100% certain that had he not been a long-term alcoholic, the situation would not have been anywhere near as toxic.


I feel generally better, and don't know whether or not re-marriage into a healthier relationship would make me feel even better.

>>don't know whether or not re-marriage into a healthier relationship would make me feel even better.<<

With a little luck, that question will be addressed in the next issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

I haven't been checking BP religiously lately.

Sometime during my BIG ANGRY phase I had a near-blackout at work, and when I came home, my reading was something in the 160/110 range. I don't think it's nearly so high now.

Q, does the study address MEN in unsatisfactory marriages? I've got to believe I'm better off (healthwise) single than in a crappy marriage.

Chris.

My health has gone downhill since my H and I separated. I've had ENOUGH of the depression, sleepless nights, migraines, and all the negative BS that goes along with marital separation anxiety.

I just came from my H's house, two sons still live there. I opened up a credit card bill ( it is in both of our names), and lo and behold my H has been going to some really nice spas when he is travelling. I mean REALLY nice. I have been watching every penny I spend.

I'm going to have some fun, I'm going to start taking better care of myself, and I'm going to do whatever makes me happy, and if that means dating then I'm gonna do it. Screw the stress, the heartache, and penny-pinching.

DONE with being a depressed martyr- F**K it!!! Bring on the tango dancers!!!

Ladies and Gents I believe drinks are on MM!

Oh and can you treat all us ladies to manicures, pedicures or massages? lolol

ps. you go girl......trade in that car for a new one....aren't ya tired of the old one already lolol.

Kid-

The gloves are off!! Meet me in St. Louis! Chat?

He likes really nice spas?

RW-

Apparently so according to the credit card bills-Kabuki Springs and Spa in SF.- Canyon Ranch Health Spa in Vegas and a few others. They're legit, no hanky panky spas.

I have seriously been watching the pennies- feeling guilty about spending any money.

Why have I been putting myself through so much grief over this man?

Kim, if I could bring my massage table with me to the Big D, I'd offer massages at discount rates... It IS a "portable" table, folds up and has a carry bag.. But the damn thing weighs over 40 pounds! How "portable" can that be?

You'll just have to come visit here to get one. LOL

Cory

"Opponents cannot exhaust you." - The Art Of War

Ummmm MM I have the same question..........you sure it is HIM going to these fancy smantzy places? UGH sounds more like maybe one of his friends

Cory - no massage table required but thanks for the offer. So do you mosh while your massaging LMAO

Kim, trust me, to give a REAL massage, you need a table. When we first started learning these techniques, we tried a bed, couch, floor, etc. None of them worked, as the person giving the massage can't get the proper leverage and it becomes VERY tiring on the forearms pretty quickly.

I don't mosh when giving a massage, but I DO listen to the music, as long as the "massagee" doesn't mind it.. Considering that the people I work on are my W, my friends, etc., most of them are into the same type of music.

Cory

"Opponents cannot exhaust you." - The Art Of War

The second time I went to my massage therapist she told me to select my music and leave it on top of the stereo and to get undressed and get on the table.

So she comes back in and I am laying there half asleep and she bursts out laughing. I ask what the matter was..............well apparently she had a bunch of cd's at home for work and they got mixed up in the cd's she had for home. I had selected something heavy metal which she found quite humourous. She asked me if I was sure I could relax while listening to it, I said sure no problem and proved in the next hour how that was possible.

When I left she made a comment about me being the only person she knew that could RELAX to heavy metal AND as they say in metal land "I WANNA ROCK!"



hmm edited.......Tex/GT I caught your bug lololol

Kid wrote>>>hmm edited.......Tex/GT I caught your bug>>>

Sure, blame it on me and Tex.

Kid, your story about the music reminded me of something funny. A friend of mine has a "portable"  massage table like Cory is talking about. She retired years ago, but she will still do a massage occasionally for a friend.

The last time I was at her house she talked me into a hot oil massage. It was wonderful. But....the only downside is sometimes she plays music that she recorded of herself singing, or playing the organ. Bless her heart, it sounds like someone scraping their fingernail on a chalkboard.  

GT  

>>>>Bless her heart<<<<<<<<

and this is a good example to the use of this phrase...



And as you walk you make your path Kat

"Q, does the study address MEN in unsatisfactory marriages? I've got to believe I'm better off (healthwise) single than in a crappy marriage."

Chris

I think I remember reading an article on that a couple weeks ago. If I remember correctly, it said that men in unsatisfactory marriages were also better off healthwise. Maybe when I have more time, I'll look for that article.

Charlie

Marie, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but Kabuki Springs and Spa in SF is actually a renta-hot-tub-by-the-hour kinda place. The "spa" part is because they have onsite massages, facials, etc. Brief confession: when I was in college, engaged to ex, we would go to these kinds of places (a lot more common before the advent of AIDS) to, um, get engaged. Now there fewer of them in the Bay Area, but they are still popular with folks who don't want to "get a room". And isn't is just the height of irony that I found a discount coupon (!!!!) for one of these joints in ex's bag just after d-day #1. Somehow, I don't think he was going to surprise me with a trip to the hot tubs.

On a related note, I was thinking about you this weekend MM. I remember you posting some time back that STBX was telling you (read: THREATENING) he wouldn't support you, you'd get no money, no house, no nothin'. Typical spiel from someone who is VERY afraid. Make copies of those bills MM. You may have to have your lawyer supeona (sp?) the account records. My ex went WAY OVER the top spending on the credit cards once I was gone. I think he figured that they would be split evenly once the divorce hit the courts. Luckily, I marched to the bank the same day I went to meet with the lawyer the first time and got print outs of all of the accounts - credit cards, loans, savings, checking, you name it. That way, I could prove what was outstanding and what the balances were when the marriage "irretrievably broke down" to use community-state legal-speak. Please tell me that you have done the same. At least my ex didn't try to hide funds, but it sounds as though your STBX may be sneaky/ratty/scummy enough to try. Did you mention he is a Dr.? Does he have his own practice? Look there for hidden funds. He may be trying to do the Enron thang and cook the books. A big indicator would be a significant difference in earned income or proceeds between this year and last. If you want to chat more, you know where to reach me. This kind of rip-off stuff just makes my blood BOIL!!!!!

ETA: Oh, that blood pressure thing again....wasn't that where we started?

Well if he is cooking the books you could always send the IRS after him...........that oughta give him some health problems at the very least lolololol.

We often utilize a networth method of auditing here in Canada. This means that instead of looking at the books of the business (which nobody hides anything in anyway) we look at the assets - liabilities - personal expenditures of the taxpayer. What comes out should be the amount of income they reported..........if it doesn't and there is a discrepancy its because they have unreported revenue generally from that business. (of course it could be coming from other sidelines but in which case we caught it anyway)

The theory of couse is that you need cash to buy assets and increase your networth and that money had to come from somehere.

SOOOOOOO maybe you need to hire a good accountant





As a sidenot MM i personally would not keep a credit card that is in joint name with an ex. The reason being is that if he defaults on payment then the whole debt becomes yours. (well at least in Canada).....I am thinking of numerous examples of people I know that's ex's have declared bankruptcy and they have had to pay the debt off themselves or be forced into it as well.

Misha and Kid,

Rent a tub!!! Well they sure charge a hell of a lot for day- oh yeah, forgot it's SF.

I guess I have given the wrong impression of my H . He has spent a lot of money, but he mostly pays cash. As far as finances and the IRS, I know he is completely honest. We are still just separated, and I can't really complain with what I have - new house, new car, credit card. I have just been trying to be frugal since he is supporting two households.

I talked with him about the spa visits. He does suffer with some physical stuff and has for years. He takes a jacuzzi almost every night. So, the spa visits well, if it makes him feel better for a few hours.

The truth is, he isn't a rat. He did something hurtful and stupid, but he tried to make up for it by giving me many gifts, treating me like a princess, and a few other things. I just became a ballistic bitch when he and the OW ( who lives 2,000 miles away) thought they could still be friends. And believe me I became almost unbearable to live with- a ranting, raving, vicious lunatic. Think Joan Crawford on steroids!


My behavior was a real shock to my H because I had never behaved like that in the 23 years prior. I went from sweet to acrid.

I've know him for 25 years, and at the core of who he is, he is a good man. He took a long look at his behavior and repented.

So much suffering and chaos. For what?

Human love is never perfect.


Thanks for thinking about me.

TLMM

MM,

You are generous.

In spite of repenting, gifts, and any other efforts on his part, the gall of he and the OW continuing a friendship after an affair seems unforgivably insulting---to you....shoving it up your nose.

No wonder you went into J.C.-on-steroid mode. Who wouldn't. He never saw that side of you before because he never brought it out of you before.

Please. It's not a character fault. It's an expression stemming from the deepest pool of the heart and soul. You have that right--100%.

Those emotions are as strong as they are, and they are over when they're over.

I'm going with RW on this one. In Marie's post on the other thread and in MizMarie's post in this one, I hear regret for being unable to behave like a saint after discovering a partner's affair. Sometimes, it seems to me that BS hold themselves to an impossibly high standard while holding their FWS to a ridiculously low standard. Let's be clear. A FWS who remains  friends with the OP after the discovery of an affair may not deserve to have flower vases launched at their heads but they shouldn't be surprised if they find the need to duck.

After an affair is discovered, "The Problem" is often quickly redefined as the kooky, out-of-control, depressed, angry, devastated BS. That is standard practice for FWS and for marriage counselors and for authors of affair recovery books. Those people I can forgive for their ignorance. I'm a different story. I will never forgive myself for having bought into that load of clap trap.

I guess I need to add that to my pre-nup. You want me? Fine. Just know ahead of time that I can become emotionally unstable if I discover that my spouse has been having an affair. Over the next two or three years, various objects may become airborne without warning on random occasions.  

Here's another way of putting it:

I see BS with bucket loads of empathy, understanding, and forgiveness for FWS. BS spend countless days and nights exhausting themselves trying to understand why their spouse had an affair and how they (the BS) may themselves have contributed to it. I don't see half as much empathy, understanding, and forgiveness for BS who have a natural reaction to the discovery of a partner's affair.

AMEN TO THAT!

I just read through this thread and must say my health was in a pretty nasty state by the time I got out of the house. BP was out of control, anxiety attacks where you can't breathe and all of the other crap that goes with it.

As for airborne objects, I think you all hit that on the head. It is much better to vent a little and get some of that out of the system than to sit there and analyze why you just didn't make the grade as a spouse and go down the road of self blame. Hell, I wish I had done a few temper tantrums and threw a couple of things around!

I really like the pre-nup statement...I would consider putting that in there.

"days and nights exhausting themselves trying to understand why their spouse had an affair and how they (the BS) may themselves have contributed to it."

Gosh, isn't that the truth!

I told my ex that I sat 3 months with a C discussing whether or not it was my fault in many of the ways that I was blaming myself. She was quite wonderful at convincing me that I wasn't the one in the wrong. Even told me that I was the victim, not that I wanted to be a victim but she needed to pound that into my little head so I would let the blame fall where it needed to be. I really needed that woman even if just for that reason alone!

Charlie
:>)

<I told my ex that I sat 3 months with a C discussing whether or not it was my fault in many of the ways that I was blaming myself. She was quite wonderful at convincing me that I wasn't the one in the wrong. Even told me that I was the victim, not that I wanted to be a victim but she needed to pound that into my little head so I would let the blame fall where it needed to be. I really needed that woman even if just for that reason alone!>

Right on! I also spent about 6 months trying to "figure it out" and believe that I was acting like a victim. My C described the same thing to me as well. Since leaving (even though it has not been that long ago), I have spent a lot of time thinking about ME, not anything to do with the STBX, and that does help to get things in perspective. I am not going to be the victim and he really does NOT like that now. Being the victim keeps him from taking full responsibility for his actions. I am also working on only being concerned with my emotions, not his at all. There are still many manipulation games being played and I hope to be able to "cut the cord" on them in the future.

After my divorce in 1990 I decided to live life to the fullest. Traveled extensively (H would not travel), dated extensively, but have never found a guy who was compatible with my independent life style. Because of betrayals and guys who wanted to "own" me, I never lasted longer than a couple months in any relationship. Finally, last year, I decided I had better "settle down" a little (with this now X....who betrayed me all along). I compromised, gave in, adjusted my life, gave up my spirit. Clearly, the single life fits much better for me. I hike, kayak, drive my RV around the country, dance until 2AM, spend time with my girlfriends who have as much energy as I do. The idea of marriage just does not appeal to me in the legal sense. It seems as if it speaks of ownership, and I just don't think I could ever share full-time living space with a H...or SO again. I just can't think of any advantages to being married over being single...maybe taxes??. IMHO women these days are very young for their age and men my age usually have a myriad of health concerns. Now, my aunt was married to a guy 30 years her junior and they rafted the Colorado river when she was in her late 70s....maybe I need to look in a different age bracket (I think I saw some posts on that in another thread).

Judy

"I am not going to be the victim and he really does NOT like that now. Being the victim keeps him from taking full responsibility for his actions. I am also working on only being concerned with my emotions, not his at all. There are still many manipulation games being played and I hope to be able to "cut the cord" on them in the future."

Amy

I also stopped playing the victim and the way I did that was to keep things very impersonal, like a business meeting. It seems to have worked for me. I had read it in a book that had divorce tips and it was probably the best advice I got out of those books. The same advice took care of any emotions I've had and I must admit that I don't have any for him anymore except empathy. Also cutting the cord on those games seems to have disappeared using the same method for me. Perhaps it might work for you too?

Charlie