I had asked you about this some time ago and while I hate to burden you, but I told my wife about you and that you would be willing to speak with her about what she is going through. She has not been able to speak with anyone to help her to understand the emotions she is having and I think agrees that to speak with someone who has been there and done that would at least be helpful.

Long story short...things had been improving with us over the past week or so. I was starting to gain more confidence and strength and we had started to be more comfortable with one another. It really looked like things were starting to look up for us.

But this weekend, she met with the OM and they went out of town together. I again proved too smart for my own good and discovered it. She claims still all emotional and not physical and I do believe her.

I believe she does still love me and wants us to work but is in that classic state of having an emotional attachment to the OM from which she can't bring herself to break free. She does still work with him and I can't change that although I believe that has to change. She is having problems understanding these emotions. She has promised to seek IC as well. I'm just so afraid that when she sorts out what she's feeling that I won't be there.

If you are still willing to talk with her and I can keep her interested in speaking with you, how would I get her in touch with you? I think she needs to setup a private email account through Yahoo or something that I don't have knowledge nor access to so you could communicate privately through there. What do you think?

And thanks as always!

Moe

Moe

I will be more than happy to talk with your wife. I think it would be a good idea for her to set up a private email account (at least for now) to communicate with me. It would most likely be easier for her to open up if she didn't feel that someone was reading over her shoulder.

When/if she's ready, have her email her new address to our forum email account at recovery2discovery@yahoo.com and title it "Moe's wife." I will then send her my private email address and we'll go from there. Sorry to be so much trouble, but I try to protect my privacy. Let me know if that will work for her.

I look forward to hearing from her.

GT 

Thank you so much GT. I think that your discussions with her should be private for her also. I do not need to know what you talk about.

I would like for her to know that you would be a friend to her as I know you would be. That all it is would be someone to relate with about these feelings she keeps inside.

I just think that if she had someone she could talk to who understands some of where she is would at least be a comfort to her. At least maybe even just knowing she is not alone could help her for her.

I will talk to her and see if she is still interested. I hope she is.

Moe

Has your wife read my story on the Member's Forum? Or has she read any posts here at all? I know I've written a few on how strong my emotional attachment was to the OM, but I believe that was on another forum.

Please tell her that there will be no judgements. I remember when I was seeking help how important it was that someone just be willing to listen to me. I knew what I was doing was wrong and didn't need anyone to beat that into me. What I needed was someone to listen and help me sort it all out.

When she's ready tell her I am here.  

GT

She has read here but has told me she only has read what I write. I don't know if she's ever read what others say in any threads in which I haven't participated. But maybe reading your Members Forum post would be a good starting point.

In this I have had you guys and I have read so many articles/columns and I have some understanding. I don't think she has done this and she only has one person with whom she can open up to.

I think that if she knew that she is not the first nor only person to be where she is would provide something to her. I expect nothing more than just for her to have some understanding and not to feel alone. I know that what we do about us is up to us.

My story might be a place to start because that way she would understand I have been where she is. Also, have her read this thread if you want. I would be more than happy to answer any questions she has and to share more details of my story and how tough it was for me to make decisions and stick to them.

I know at this point we don't have very many FWS participating on the forum. My bet is that we probably have some reading, but they just haven't jumped in to post yet. It can be very intimidating at first when you don't know what people's reactions will be. But you never know, your wife might feel comfortable enough to do that one day.

GT

 

She did check in on this thread this morning. I not so unintentionally left it in the history even though I know she knows the way here.

She has some trepidation about talking on the internet even via email, so I don't know. We'll see if she can get past that.

I told her that I have no magical expectations, just offering her someone to talk to. Plus I don't want to pressure her either if it is something she decides she remains uncomfortable to do. Baby steps for all of us you know.

Certainly the side of the WS is important but I do also understand where it is very hard for them to participate on such a forum. There is all that they go through anyway and to face a place full of BSes would be an extremely courageous thing to do as well as difficult. You are aware how grateful we are to have you here with us.

I don't know if she's interested in talking to anyone now. I won't give up but I won't pressure her either.

But GT, can I ask you something myself? What do you think is the best way for me to deal with the "can't see him/talk to him" blues? I see these times and don't know what to do. I can say they are sucky times. Did your BS do anything at these times to help, were there things you would have liked for him to do, or could he have done anything at all? Is it best to stay away in these times?
It is so tough to know that I'm not the only man on her mind. It shouldn't be that way in a marriage, but in these times I am aware that's how it has to be for awhile...hopefully a short while with this much intensity.

I have offered her my patience in dealing with this, but I hope she doesn't think that meant patience to allow her to see him or talk to him. I can't control that but only hope that showing her my love and understanding can keep her from needing that and to learn how I can cope with things.

I don't know, I can only do all that I can do.

>>>Did your BS do anything at these times to help, were there things you would have liked for him to do, or could he have done anything at all? Is it best to stay away in these times?>>>

I remember that time right after Dday as my emotions being all over the place. I figured out pretty fast that I wanted to stay in my marriage, but the feelings for the OM were still strong. I'm not sure my husband could have done anything to help me get over those feelings any faster, other than maybe leaving me. I believe that would have speeded it along and shocked me into reality a lot faster. But I'm not suggesting you do that Moe. 

The answer to your question is that unfortunately I didn't know what I wanted when it came to him leaving me alone or trying to help me. It changed daily. I'd say the OM speeded up that process more than anyone. He showed some true colors during that time and it was hard for me (even still in the fog) not to see them. I started waking up at that point. It still took a long time for my emotions to catch up with my head though. 

This is something your wife is going to have to get a hold of herself if she wants to move on with the marriage. It doesn't happen overnight, but IMO it's only going to happen when all contact with the OP is cut off. She has to want to get over the OM and make that her goal.

I wish there was something I could tell you to do that would help her wake up. I know it's brutal for you ( just like it was my husband) to watch your wife pine over another man. I will tell you that my husband was way too accommodating during that time and I really took advantage of that.

Is your wife reading any books or getting any help at all at this point?

GT

Well, I know leaving would not be a help for us. It certainly isn't what I want to do and she says it's not what she wants me to do.

I don't know about these "true colors" of the OM. I don't believe she will ever see him as anything but wonderful. I don't know if I will ever be wonderful enough. It's hard to imagine I can win this fight.

It is brutal to see these times but I know that for now I can't have it any other way. I would love to be who she turns to when she needs something but know that at some times I am probably the last one she wants to turn to.

It's very hard for to explain the mindset of a WS in regards to the OP. I read back through what I wrote above about the OM showing his true colors and I thought....he had been showing his true colors all along by having an affair with a married woman, yet I was so deep in denial that I refused to see them.

I remember arguing with my first counselor about whether or not the OM really loved me. She said...if he'd truly loved you he'd never have been willing to share you with another man. And he would have left you alone when you refused to divorce your husband for him. He would not have wanted to destroy you or your family by having an affair with you. I thought that made no sense whatsoever at the time. I believed that being willing to share me meant he did love me. It wasn't until a long time later that I was able to see how warped my logic was. See, I believed, and saw in him, exactly what I wanted to believe and see. Not what was really there.

I could write you a book on why I did that because now (years later) I can see why I allowed my logic to to be twisted and why I refused to see some things. 

It was a long process, but one day I woke up and thought......what the hell did I see in him? That's why I can say that it's not that the OP is anything special in an affair, they just happen to be the person who was willing to get involved with a married person.

Moe, I wish I had some answers for you regarding your wife. A magic formula that would take those rose colored glasses off she is wearing where the OM, and her feelings for him are concerned. I said above that had my husband left I would have faced reality sooner. But that's just in our case. I know that's a drastic step and up to the individual to decide. I'm not sure how long my husband would have waited for me to pine over the OM. I kept it pretty hidden most of the time and tried to put up a good front for him. But he knew where my moods were coming from.

Unfortunately once I got past the feelings for the OM, I still wasn't willing to work on my marriage and give my husband what he needed. I didn't even give him the courtesy of telling him I no longer pined for the OM. It wasn't until years later that I told him what I had been feeling back then and how I felt about the OM at the present time.

If your wife would stay away from the OM and have no contact then those feelings would fade I believe. If she could just get herself to be strong enough to ride the waves of emotions I believe she'd see the affair for what it was.

What is the current situation with the OM? Does she still talk with him? The one clear rule my husband set down was this. He didn't check up on me after Dday, but made it clear that if  I ever went back to the affair, he would leave and there wouldn't be another chance. I don't know if he really would have or not. At the time I certainly believed he would. Enough so that I took extreme measures to stay away from the OM.

Moe, I know that it's hard for you to be tough with your wife. But please remember that you are worth so much more than you seem to be giving yourself credit for. I would never suggest leaving to anyone because I don't believe that's always the answer. But at some point your wife has to see that there are consequences for her actions. And that might just mean you expressing "your" feelings to her regarding her contact with the OM.

Have you set boundaries where he is concerned? And has she followed them?

GT

Edited to add my name.