I was thinking the other day (and I think WAY too much IMO) how as much as my HINO hurt me and as little as I desire any true ongoing relationship with him, I still care for him a great deal. Dare I say I still love him???

I'd venture this isn't a unique condition. Dogs still love their masters who kick them...for instance. No...I'm being facetious now...seriously, I'd bet that everyone can think of someone that they care for alot who hasn't been exactly good to them or good for them. It's why I don't really trust "love" that much anymore.

I look at this guy and I still find him funny and attractive and charming and I still worry about him and want him to succeed. I don't "desire" him anymore as I did at the beginning after d-day. I really have no interest in any physical or intimate relationship with him. In fact he's become very much like a good buddy. And I wonder sometimes how I could be so "stupid", I guess, to still like someone who has been so awful to me.

I think back to a number of friendships I ended or abandoned over far less. One in particular hurt me a great deal through some underhandedness and sheer selfishness and I just dropped her altogether -- stopped calling her, stopped wanting to do anything with her and avoided her as much as possible.

I don't think its a problem, really, I'm just curious over whether others have had the same experience.


BTW - PS - as much as I still care for him I do see him with much clearer and impartial eyes. His faults are glaring and I know that if I were to meet him, cold, right now in my life, knowing what I know I could not accept him as a life partner. And yet...feelings are indeed a mystery...

<<And I wonder sometimes how I could be so "stupid", I guess, to still like someone who has been so awful to me.>>

<<Dogs still love their masters who kick them...for instance.>> 

 <<It's why I don't really trust "love" that much anymore.>>

Oh, Jane..... your words concern me.  I wish I could give you a hug.  You are not stupid.  You are living by the choices that you have consciously made -- to live as roommates for the sake of your family.  It is my hope that your remembering that will give you a sense of personal power and comfort. 

It is always in your power to choose.

As far as emotions go .... well, hell.... they go all over the place.  (Now how about some chocolate?) 

Jean

I'm not questioning the choices I have made. I am comfortable with those choices and still believe them to be right for me at this time.

I'm just trying to examine the phenomenon of how people, much like myself, still can care for and like someone who hasn't been good to them in return.

I imagine I'd still care for HINO even if we didn't continue to live together.

In fact, I have a hard time disliking many people -- no matter what their faults and even no matter how they've treated or behaved towards me.

And that's the fundamental issue. What is it that allows people to continue to care for those who hurt them?

Jane

"I'm just trying to examine the phenomenon of how people, much like myself, still can care for and like someone who hasn't been good to them in return.

I imagine I'd still care for HINO even if we didn't continue to live together."

Yep, you probably would. I was just talking to my best friend the other day and I told her that I didn't hate my ex, I didn't love him either and I was sure of that, but I did care about what happened to him. Why? I have no fricken clue really. I don't think the opposite of love is indifference. I care what happens to him but am repulsed to even think about being with him again. I would never do it. I don't want bad things to happen to him like I did right after I caught him in his A. I remember hoping he'd get in a car accident or something b/c of my anger. I don't feel that anymore. I hope he can straighten his act out and become a better person mostly for my kids sake. I don't care that he dates 3 different women like he told me months ago, I don't care if he sleeps with many women, I don't care what he does during the day or what jobs he takes. I care about how he is treating my kids, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him because I think he has screwed his life up so much already that I feel bad for him.

"And that's the fundamental issue. What is it that allows people to continue to care for those who hurt them?"

Maybe that both you and I realize that our ex's (I'll call them that anyway) have already messed their own lives up as it is and that maybe they hate themselves or they won't have a quality life and they don't really need anyone else to to hate them or make it worse. I think they call that empathy or even pity???? Or stupidity? LOL

Charlie :>)

"What is it that allows people to continue to care for those who hurt them?"  What is it?  Love and compassion.  As they say, "it's the nature of the beast."

Jean

I know exactly where you're coming from on this! I feel the same. As for giving less thought to abandoning friends, well, I think the big difference is that they were just that - friends. The partner you chose to spend your life with is a lot different. Maybe, in a way, we expect friends to turn fickle, sometimes. We don't expect it from the person we chose to spend the rest of our lives with. Friends are on the peripheral, a husband is slap bang in the middle.
And, if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't have married him! xx