ive just spent several days in agony. I am finding it extremely difficult to find resources for my particular dillema. I am hoping that you guys can share some wisdom. Im sorry if i offend anyone, but i appear to be 'the enemy' on this forum (not matter how much i dont want to be).
I'll make the story short.
I am a happily married man with no children. I love my wife very much and she loves me. We have a great relationship.
There is a very beautiful young girl, who is also a teenager, who has quite a strong crush on me (lets call her Jane). I never knew this until someone told me (we go to the same church). She is a lovely person and everything anyone could ever want from a woman.
We had been good friends previously and occassionally she spent some time with me and my wife. Recently, she made a very obvious attempt at getting my attention via an extended touch. It was electrifying to look into her eyes as she left our home and secretly touched my hand. I felt like i had instantly gone mad with love for her. It was as if a fantasy had come to life before my eyes. I battled with these feelings for a few days before seing her again. This time, we were both aware of what was happening - and to be honest - i think i was revelling in it, no matter how wrong i felt it was. It was the wrong time and place to say anything about it though, so i left it.
Ive since come to the conclusion that no good can come of this. I am not prepared to sacrifice my marriage or my faith in God. Sounds like a good decision and it probably is, the only catch is, why am i crying myself to sleep at night over this? I feel like i have found something very special in this girl and in the extremely short time that this has happened, i feel like i have met a 'soul mate'. So i pray ... and the emotions roll in like thunder; remorse, guilt, sadness, hopelessnes, shame, anger... i am effectively torn in two. My heart is shattered with love for two people! I hold two people over a cliff face and must let go of one. I feel sick about the thoughts that have run through my mind.
For the record ...I have never shared any personal info with Jane, nor she with me. We dont have long conversations. We dont see each other in private although there have been instances where those opportunities have presented themselves - and so we would go into a public area to aviod any chance of anything happening. I have never kissed Jane or touched her in a sexual way. Its strange to me that i could have such strong feelings for her. I dont think its infatuation because its not sex that i want!
I never asked for this. I was happy. I didnt want any more.
What do i do now? How do i deal with this and still come out with my sanity? How do i ease Jane (and myself) down without destroying her? Is having a simple friendship with Jane at all possible after this? My wife knows that im suffering about 'something' and she is letting me deal with it and supporting me. I dont want to hurt my wife at all, she has been through enough in her life. I feel immensley guilty in accepting her support ... i cry on my wifes shoulder about another woman FFS!
Please go easy on me. Im a very emotional guy and i need help, prayers and guidance. I am very open, honest and hopeless at guarding my heart. If i could turn back 1 week, i would in an instant.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
June 28 2005, 5:53 AM
hi joe
not sure about your comment about being an enemy on these boards, we dont have enemies, so not sure what that is about, you might need to expalin that a bit.
in relation to this girl, yo said she is a teenager, well if so, she is still a child and you are a grown up married man. you need to behave like one hon.
soounds like you are chasing a fantasy, you need to tell yourself very clearly no. i would be surprised if she had similar feelings to you and if she does it is probably a teen crush, if that.
good luck with it, if you have a strong faith then maybe you need to talk to your priest or even your wife!
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
June 28 2005, 7:16 AM
Coming here was an excellent idea. Most of us could share stories that would make the hair on your arms curl. You know you have crossed your own personal boundaries and the fact you realize that before anything happens shows you are a wise man.
So being a wise man I am sure you must realize that this girl is a child, not a woman. You have a woman at home who I will assume loves you. Concentrate on what you can do to make your life at home more fulfilling. You are right, this girl can only be trouble. What you see is merely "the best" of this girl. As we all have, I am sure there is a whole other side to her too - we all have flaws.
I think having no contact with this girl would be best. I would also recommend you speak to your pastor or a counsellor about the things you are feeling.
Joe, if only others had your insight in looking for support this early, so many broken hearts would be saved this horrible conclusion.
You said it yourself. She is a girl, not a woman. You are meerly attracted to her appearance not the person inside. This is a young person who is also living in a fantasy world. Look at it from her twisted young perspective. (I have an older man willing to risk his marriage to a loving mature woman for attention from little ol' me.) She is not mature. She is getting a kick out of living her fantasy as well.
You are right about the fantasy. We call it LaLa Land around here. It's like being addicted to a drug. You know its wrong but you feel like you have to have it. You are attracted to this girl like a drug addict. That's what affairs are, fantases that are lived out to the extent that everyone involved gets hurt including all the families and friends.
Joe, can you see yet that what you feel for this girl does not include the stresses of day to day life? Its all fun and feelings right? There are no responsibilities that you and this girl share. You don't have to worry about paying bills together, fixing the sqeaky door hinges, lunch money for the kids. None of life stuff, just fun, fun, fun. Joe, what do you think will happen when all of this fun, fun, fun stops and the REAL YOU and the REAL HER are forced to surface? That will happen, your wife will see to it or your own guilt will make it happen.
One other thing that you need to know. Having an affair or not to have an affair is YOU making a choice. This is a choice that you must make. Affairs do not happen by accident. Making choices ALWAYS comes with consequences. Good choices produce good consequences. Choose wisely, Joe.
I think you understand that this is your cross to bear.
You wrote that you are an emotional guy, and you wrote what your emotions are telling you.
You also seem to be able to think things through and to understand consequences. You seem to want some help in working through this attraction.
In other words, Joe, you sound pretty normal to me. We've all been poisoned by the "happily ever after" fairy tales, and when strong feelings arise it produces a horrible conflict.
One of the few "rules" of ending an affair (or getting over someone) seems to be "no contact". You seem to understand that even "public" contact is a bad idea.
Tell me: what do you think would happen if you told your wife the bare facts you've told us? Could openness and honesty about this attraction be a good thing in your relationship? Would your wife stand by you and support you in "getting over it"?
It's good that you are getting this out in the open. You are experiencing something that a lot of people have felt. On a biological level your brain and circulatory system are awash in chemicals (dopamine, seratonin) that make you "FEEL" good- very similar to shooting up cocaine, heroine, or ecstasy. The end result of pursing anything with this girl would be as disasterous.
Imagine this scenario: six months from now, she is pregnant and is sent away by her parents, you are in jail, and your wife is sueing you (rightfully so) for everything. Pretty ugly.
Avoid this young girl like the plague, change churches, or don't go for a while. Spend that time alone doing something special with YOUR WIFE.
Take care Joe and write here so we can help.
TLMM
This message has been edited by taigalucy on Jun 28, 2005 10:56 AM
It does seem she is more of an obsession to you than anything else. Is it really about your feelings for her or is it how she makes you feel about yourself? That need for admiration can be as powerful as any drug.
You said yourself she is only a teenager. She is just beginning to live life Joe. Yes she might seem wiser beyond her years but she's not. Boundries Joe, boundries. This young girl is following your lead in this.
You need to go "no contact" with her. Tell her you feel as if you has crossed some boundries you had no right to cross and you are committed to your wife. No talk of star -crossed lovers. No talk of if only we had met at another time, another place. That serves no purpose other than to lead her on.
Whether you choose to tell your wife is entirely up to you. What can you live with? If the situation were reversed would you wanna know?
However she does at least have the right to know there are problems in the marriage she isn't aware of. Maybe you could suggest talking to your pastor and/or finding a good marriage counsellor. If/when then all comes out she is going to be hurt beyond imagination.
Let her know you are committed to her and your marriage Joe.
> Somewhere in "DearPeggy.com" is an article where she
> advocates talking and sharing with one's spouse
> attraction to others which will happen.
I agree with Kat, talk to your wife about it...
My wife and I always talk to each other when we are attracted to other people. It's normal to be attracted to others. As my wife and I say "We're married, not blind". Holding these feelings inside has a way of intensifying their effect. When I tell my wife "She is GORGEOUS", or "She's so sweet", or "I'd do her" we can laugh about it together, and come closer together as a couple. We share our natural desires rather than hiding from them. As my wife says, "Look all you want, as long as you take it out on me..." We have fun with it, it adds excitement to our own love life.
Believe me, I understand the excitement of being attracted to someone. A simple touch, even accidental, can send my heart racing. I may wish more would happen, but I have my own boundaries, and I assume you do to. Though I'll admit, there are many times I really WANT to cross those boundaries!
As for being attracted to a teenager, I think that's fairly normal too. We recently went to an awards assembly at my daughters high school, and WOW, what a bunch of beautiful young ladies. I told my wife when we got home "it's a good thing I don't work at a high school. I'd end up fired or in jail". Youthfulness is naturally attractive, and girls of that age often go out of their way to "look" attractive.
I can also see how a young lady might be flattered by your attention. Though in my case, a young ladies response would be more like "Eewwww.... GROSS!".
Recognize the attraction for what it is. Share your feelings with your wife. You'll find it diffuses the attraction a bit, and sharing these feelings will draw you closer together.
Of course, if neither of you are in the habit of doing this, you may need to approach it tactfully. Running to your lovely bride and saying "I want to screw the babysitter" probably wouldn't go over real well the first time out. But, if you tell your wife you love her, that you find that girl attractive, and how you are struggling about it inside, I would think most anyone would understand. Yes, there's a chance she may be offended or hurt, but that's a whole lot less painful than discovering you acted on your temptations (potentially risking divorce, ridicule, and depending on the girls age, law inforcement)!
And who knows, you might come home one night to discover the role of the naughty school girl will be played by your lovely wife...
Base your marriage on love, and with full honesty. You'll never regret it.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
June 28 2005, 11:43 AM
Joe
First let me say I'm glad you found us. You will find many supportive and caring people here. The responses you've gotten at this point were all good. I'd like to give you one from the other side of the coin.
I won't go into my story (it's on the Member's Forum) but I stood where you are standing 6 years ago. I understand all too well the excitement you are feeling and how it feels good to believe that this other person desires you. I wish I could go back and make that decision again, because instead of doing the right thing, I barrelled headlong into my affair without any regard for who would get hurt. If I could do it over again I'd run like hell to the nearest counselor or someone I trusted. I'd get help to work through what I was feeling so I could save my marriage from the devastation an affair causes.
You mentioned that you feel as though you've stepped into a fantasy. Well, that's exactly what it is, a fantasy. It sounds to me like you are following your emotions (just as I did) instead of your head. You know what you should do and what is right, but you are letting your emotions blur the reality of this situation with the other person.
You asked if you could remain friends with Jane at this point. In my opinion that is not possible. I believe it has to be no contact. You've already proven that you can't handle just being friends, why would you want to be tempted again? If your wife were in this same position with another man, what would you want her to do?
If I were you I'd simply stop contact with Jane and she will most likely get the message. If not, I'd make the conversation brief and tell her you are not willing to risk your marriage or losing your wife, so the contact between the two of you has to stop. She will be hurt by this change of events, but not nearly as much as she will be down the road if you continue this. She's a teenager, she has no idea what she's getting herself in to so you have to be the adult here.
If you can get your head wrapped around this situation I think you'll be surprised at how fast your emotions will follow. And how quickly your feelings for her will fade once you've committed yourself to no contact. Go to someone you trust and talk. I know how tough it can be to work through this on your own. And how it feels like no one else will understand. But believe me, there are people who do.
Again, I'm glad you found us. You obviously love your wife and want to make the right choice, or you wouldn't be here asking for help. I commend you for having the courage to do that. Please don't hesitate to ask questions. There are no enemies here, only friends in the making.
GT
edited for typos.
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jun 28, 2005 1:00 PM This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jun 28, 2005 11:47 AM
> to tell your spouse if you are attracted to
> someone else was a disaster for me.
I suppose theres a flip side to everything...
While it's sad your wife reacted so strongly, how would things have turned out if you hadn't told her? Would you have pursued that attraction further? Given the chance, could it have evolved into an affair, even if only as a revenge affair? I'm not saying it would have happened, but telling your wife sounds like it prevented any further temptation?
> I also asked her who she was attracted to and she
> said nobody since her affair and that she never
> fantasized about anyone else but me
Ah, and there's the catch... Since D-Day, my wife hasn't admitted to being attracted to anyone else either. I find it hard to believe that in 5+ years she hasn't been attracted to somebody, even on a superficial level. I suspect it's because she knows how insecure I am now. The mere mention of interest in another man would be all it would take to send me in a tailspin. Or, maybe she was scared by the whole incident and is afraid to let down her guard now. Who knows...
Secrets got us into trouble, so I'm a big believer in being open and honest about your attractions. If she's leaving me for another man, I'd at least like a chance to win her back or plan for a different future...
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
June 28 2005, 4:58 PM
James
Your wife may be a little paranoid because at some point in your recovery you may have told her that you thought about a revenge affair (many of us did), even if you didn't intend on actually doing it. In some tiny way she may also feel that you would have been entitled to do that so maybe even more paranoid that you'd do it. Honestly your wife was smart to want to keep you away from this woman even if your intentions were good IMHO.
I think he would also be wise to stay away from this young girl too. Lust is pretty powerful sometimes :>)
I hope that the replies you've had are helpful. Here's my take on it:
You said
I feel like i have found something very special in this girl and in the extremely short time that this has happened, i feel like i have met a 'soul mate'. So i pray ... and the emotions roll in like thunder; remorse, guilt, sadness, hopelessnes, shame, anger... i am effectively torn in two. My heart is shattered with love for two people! I hold two people over a cliff face and must let go of one. I feel sick about the thoughts that have run through my mind.
I dont think its infatuation because its not sex that i want!
For the record ...I have never shared any personal info with Jane, nor she with me. We dont have long conversations. We dont see each other in private
Ummmm: Right. So, how is it that you are in love with her exactly? If you've never shared personal info, don't have long conversations and don't see each other privately? I know I sound sarcastic, and I'm sorry, but I can't think of another way to make this point so ummm well. It's not sex, and it's not that you are such good friends. So what is it?
I think I know the answer! It's an older man's ego being hit by a young girl showing interest. Simple. Nothing else. Just that. Only you have the answer, and you do have it somewhere. How do you get over it? Well, you're thoughts are like that of a teenager infatuated, so you will get over it like a teenager gets over their broken heart when the love of their life leaves them - in about a week...
The alternative is of course, you follow it through. You can do this in your head first, and then decide if you want to do it for real. So, you follow your heart's desire (if it really is your heart, and not some other part of your anatomy) and 'go with her'. Then you'll be like my husband was - in an affair, trying not to get caught. Guilt will cause you to take your feelings out on the person closest to you, your wife. You'll be cruel and nasty to her. She'll suspect. Or she'll find out by accident. She might do like I did, and try to kill herself a handful of times. You'll accuse her of trying to blackmail you. You'll leave her to be with your 'soul mate' until your soul mate gets bored and goes for someone else, then you'll go crawling back to your wife and tell her that your affair is her fault.
Or, of course, you could leave this teenager alone.
Your choice
xxxx
Sorry for being sarcastic. Sometimes we all need some hard truth's.
Edited cos I spelt 'else' esle. Not watching carefully enough - see my reply to Leah on 'those sappy love songs'. I'll be watching myself in future!!
This message has been edited by sandy6957 on Jun 30, 2005 3:12 PM
Just for Joe's benefit, can we add the word "YOUNGER" to your one sentence? """"You'll leave her to be with your 'soul mate' until your soul mate gets bored and goes for someone else YOUNGER.....""""
Thanks. I was a bit worried I'd been too harsh, but I spose it's all about opinions on here, anyway? And yeah, YOUNGER and I wouldn't mind betting SLIMMER and FIRMER. And on an even more negative note - more shallow, in the deep sense, if you know what I mean.
Edit to add - at least Joe is here, I guess, asking the right questions, which is one helluva step further on than my husband was
xx
This message has been edited by sandy6957 on Jun 30, 2005 3:07 PM
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 1 2005, 8:18 PM
I'd just like to point out (again) that I believe Joe is to be commended for searching out this forum and having the courage to post. Most WS who show up on these forums (if they show up at all) show up AFTER the affair and the damage is already done. Joe came here pretty much telling us that he knew what the right choice was, and asked for our help in working through that choice. Good for him for NOT barreling headlong into an affair like most WS ( myself included) did, without thinking about the consequences.
I sincerely hope Joe will come back soon and give us an update.
GT
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jul 1, 2005 10:53 PM This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jul 1, 2005 8:41 PM This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jul 1, 2005 8:38 PM
You're right, of course, I know that. But I feel that Joe (and anyone else in that position) needs a reality check, and I just don't know how else to say it. I wanted to say it intelligently and non accusingly, but at the same time make a strong point about the stark realities, and try as I might, that was the only way I could think of saying it. Like, for instance, the bit where Joe said he was in love with two people. How do you say 'take a look at how ridiculous those words sound, when you've said you don't even know her' without saying it? If he'd said it was lust etc, I could have been a bit more gentle, but he said it wasn't sex. Usually, I'm fairly good with words and writing (or so I'm told) but this just left me speechless, or wordless, so I just resorted to plain old straight talk. Sorry.
You're right, it's good he came here, where so many others wouldn't have - probably most others.
Im very sorry for the unexplained absence. Ive been away for a couple of weeks and extremely busy with work.
Thanks very much for all the guidance. I really appreciate it.
I made some decisions in regard to this matter some days after posting here. I came to the same conclusions that most of you guys arrived at. I am now 'emotionally distancing myself' from Jane and basically telling myself to snap out of it. I spoke with some wise friends about whether i should talk to my wife about it and we all agreed that i shouldnt. We felt there was no point in hurting her or damaging our marriage. If a similar situation were to arise in future then im going to be open with her from the outset. I hope i never have to and from the measures im taking, i dont think it will. But best to remain vigilent and have an action plan before it happens eh?!
I cant refrain from seing Jane because we work together. So ive put up some personal boundaries. If 'something' happens again (like if she touches me or flirts with me) then im going to have a chat with her and explain a few things and then ask her to stop.
Sandy - i dont agree with some of your comments and i really dont appreciate your tone. Perhaps i wasnt clear enough in my original message. Forgive me, i was under significant emotional turmoil. I get the strong impression that you really dont understand the situation at all. I would even suspect that you had never been in a situation like mine and if that is the case, then you have no grounds to give such strong advice.
'take a look at how ridiculous those words sound' ?
Give me a break. Of course you have no idea what i feel but to tell me that what i say is ridiculous is just plain rude. I know your intentions were good, its a pity your ability to empathise wasnt. Maybe no-one could ever understand how i felt, but that doesnt make my feelings any less valid or real. And no .. she is not slimmer and firmer than my wife. And i never said that we werent good friends - if i didnt know her at all then the feelings would have been 'just lust'. But i do know her; we converse, we laugh, we work together. I was just stating that we didnt have long 'deep and meaningful' type chats.
No matter what you may think, i still believe Jane and i share a 'special connection'. And had i not been married already, i would be pursueing this relationship. Im still confused about some issues but im not letting that get in the way of making the right decision and putting into action a plan that will prevent this from happening in the future. A big mistake for me was that i started investing alot of emotion into a fantasy as most of you guys pointed out. Its obvious to see in retrospect.
Jane - sorry if i sound harsh. I just feel a little wounded by some of your comments.
Thanks once again to everyone who took the time to help. The information about how these feelings are 'drug like' was particularly useful. There is heaps of good stuff here, i cant individually thank you all - but i am very grateful.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 13 2005, 11:40 PM
Joe
Thanks for coming back and giving us an update. It sounds like you have taken some steps to distance yourself from Jane, and are somewhat coming out of the fog of the fantasy.
I think it's an individual choice as to whether or not you choose to tell your wife. Only you know your situation and what is best at this time. I would encourage you to keep talking to your trusted friends so that someone can help you stay accountable until you have worked through these feelings for Jane. It can be a really slippery slope at times. But good for you for stopping to "think" about what you are doing, instead of blindly following your emotions into an affair like so many of us FWS did.
Again thanks for the update. Sometimes emotions can (and do) run high on these forums because we have people in all stages of recovery. But we're all here with the common goal of receiving and giving support.
I'm sorry that you disagreed with some of my comments and that you didn't appreciate my tone. You are quite right, I do not understand the situation you are in, I only know what you wrote. Again, you are right in that I've never been in a situation like yours. I have, however, been on the receiving end of a husband falling in love with a girl 20 years younger.
Again, I don't know what you feel, I only know what you said you feel: "i feel like i have met a 'soul mate'" and "My heart is shattered with love for two people".
Your words of love and soul mate are very powerful and I hoped to point out that it is unlikely that you really feel these things for this girl. And I think that if you love her and she is your soul mate, you are hardly likely, as you say, to be able to tell yourself to snap out of it.
When you ask for advice on these boards, you will get advice and opinions, from all kinds of people from all walks of life. Maybe you don't like hard truths. But that is all you will get from me. I don't 'flower' things up to make them sound nice and pleasant.
I did apologise for my sarcasm, and explained that I could think of no other way of expressing my take on the reality of the situation.
I'm sorry you were wounded by my comments. I'm very pleased that it was you that was wounded and not your wife.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 14 2005, 9:19 AM
Sandy wrote>>Your words of love and soul mate are very powerful and I hoped to point out that it is unlikely that you really feel these things for this girl>>
You're right Sandy, those words are very powerful. And I don't know that I've ever heard of someone involved in an affair that didn't "think" the OP was their soulmate. I'm sure that even came out of my mouth at some point about the OM. But I look at the situation now and realize I never even knew the man. All I knew was that he was willing to give me attention. I'm not sure what the true definition of soulmate is, but I'm betting that's not it.
Could you have convinced me of that 6 years ago though? Nope. The fog of a fantasy is a powerful thing. And it's very tough to understand until you've allowed yourself to be pulled into it. Obviously, the key is not allowing yourself to be tempted.in the first place. But past that it's knowing when to stop and think, instead of just following the fantasy. I'll bet more folks than we'd like to think about find themselves in the same situation as Joe. Some stop to think about it (as Joe is) and some just forge right on, like I did.
That's why I think it's important that Joe be very careful and make the right choices these next few months concerning any and all contact with Jane. It sounds like he's taking the necessary steps to do that. I guess being a FWS I find myself admiring Joe for having the guts to admit his attraction to this other woman, yet stop to seek help before destroying his marriage, instead of after.
GT
Edited for clarification.
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Jul 14, 2005 9:25 AM
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 14 2005, 12:30 PM
Joe I think you are doing exactly the right thing about this situation. As as BS 3+ years from Dday, I only wish that my wife had shown such resolve and thought when things were only as far along as a mutual attraction. Then she could have spared me the horror of what she put me and our marraige thru. I hope you will continue the course you have taken and keep us posted.
First off, I want to applaud you for coming to this site for advice. It is not easy for any of us to admit we are doing something we believe is wrong. I believe your soul searching is a strong indication of your morals.
My take on your situation may be a bit different from previous comments.
Many experts warn that with the increasing number of men and women working together, the number of workplace affairs will likely increase. The reasons are many: long hours spent together, common tasks and goals, away from distractions of home life (kids, chores, bills, etc.), best appearance, intellectual sharing, and so forth. So it is not surprising that decent people who might be appalled at the notion of entering into an affair find themselves grappling with strong feelings for a coworker, or even in an affair without realizing how/when they got into one.
Meanwhile back at home, your wife may be like I was--worn down by being the mom, the spouse responsible for 85% of ANYTHING to do with the kids, responsible for paying the bills, doing the shopping, handling the household chores, in charge of the social calendar, holding down a part time job, and feeling frustrated and incompetent because she feels (as I felt) she isn't contributing enough work at home, enough money to the household income, and not doing as good of a job at everything as she wants/feels obligated to do.
It is quite possible that while you are thinking that it is you who are dissatisfied with your marriage and that your wife is content, your wife is actually very unhappy. She may be mourning the loss of companionship with you, as I did with my husband. She may miss the intellectual stimulation, the playfulness, the sex that you and she likely had prechildren. Maybe she feels sad, frustrated, and lonely, as I felt, because she no longer feels the closeness she once felt with you. But instead of talking openly and honestly about her feelings, she is holding them in and allowing resentment and space to grow between you, as you may be doing as well.
My advice is not necessarily to tell your wife that you are attracted to another woman, but to tell her how much you miss the closeness, the excitement you once had with her. Tell her you wonder if she is feeling the same way. Tell her you want to work hard to grow together in your marriage, to go to a deeper intimacy of sharing than you have ever been to. Tell her you want to be able to bare your souls to each other and know that each one will be accepted and loved, no matter what inner thoughts and past secrets are revealed.
Since my Dday almost ten months ago, I have learned facts about my H of 21 years that I had never before known. While I was surprised by much of what he told me, nothing he said made me despise, ridicule, or hate him. I feel closer to him because he revealed his dark secrets to me, because he trusted me with his fears, insecurities, and pain. I believe that most spouses want to love their partners and will acknowledge that no one is perfect and that imperfections are normal. Sharing flaws and healing from life's traumas together are important facets of bonding.
So I suggest that you switch the focus of your attention back to your wife. Remember the excitement you felt planning surprises for her? Remember the warm anticipation of seeing her delighted response to something you said or did? Well, do the same now. Bring her flowers. Compliment her. Arrange an outing (including childcare!) and reveal to her only the time and what to wear. Take her shopping for a new teddy. Let her know you find her sexy and fun. Read a book together and discuss it. Volunteer together. Take walks together. Do the grocery shopping together. Wash the car and have a wet t-shirt contest for two. Put the kids to bed and have a late-night picnic al fresco in the backyard by candle- and starlight. Show her your exciting, romantic, sexy, tender, funny side. Make sure you aren't letting her be more than 50% responsible for your home, kids, and marriage. Be the man you always wanted to be for her, and I'll bet she will reciprocate in kind. Before you know it, the other woman will have faded back into her previous role--a friend (and ONLY a friend) at work.
Good luck Joe. I hope I may have given you some positive ideas.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 14 2005, 1:47 PM
Joe-
I wish my H had taken the steps you are now taking. Like Kats says at the bottom of her posts "As you walk you make your path". I think you are taking the right path.
GT wrote:
You're right Sandy, those words are very powerful. And I don't know that I've ever heard of someone involved in an affair that didn't "think" the OP was their soulmate.
And that's my whole point - Joe isn't or wasn't even IN the affair when he was saying that.
See the difference? Did you think your OM was your soulmate and you were in love with him BEFORE it started?
Which is why I used the 'ridiculous' word that got Joe so annoyed.
Re: other side of the coin - how do i get over her ?
July 15 2005, 7:26 AM
hi joe,
can you come and tell us where you are up to now with all of this?
i have read the comments here, and i think i was one of the first people to be "harsh" with you.
this is a safe place where we all express our opinions, we ask for them also, which is what you have done, the responses sometimes dont completely match the intent of the poster, and that is why sometimes we clarify stuff.
in defence of sandy, although i dont think she needs any defence really, because she did explain why her words might have felt extra harsh to you, she is a wonderful woman, who doesnt pull any punches in what she says. maybe sitting back and re reading her words would make a bit more sense.
maybe you had already got a point where her words were no longer relevant because you had made some positive decisions about your marriage, if so that is good!
i hope you come back and tell us what is happening for you and your wife now and others have said, i commend you for being so honest here about your feelings for the young lady. that really is pretty admirable of you.
here's hoping you can continue to separate the difference between your genuine 'affection' toward this young lady and the reality that you are married to woman who deserves your whole hearted committment to her, as she is your wife.
Holding these feelings inside has a way of intensifying their effect. When I tell my wife "She is GORGEOUS", or "She's so sweet", or "I'd do her" 
