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I have been having an intense affair with an engaged man for 6 months now. Their wedding is scheduled in January. He says he loves me but is also honest about not being willing to give up his whole life and 'let everyone down.' We've set a deadline to end our affair in about a month if nothing has changed in his relationship.

The question is, doesn't his fiancee deserve to know that when she's planning their wedding, he's professing his love... and making love to someone else?
 

Would I wanna know? Hmmmmmm. Depends on whose telling me and their motivations behind it. If its a close friend trying to truly help me then yes. If its from someone whose true motivation is to break up my relationship in an attempt to run off with my spouse then HELL NO.

Can I ask why you would become involved with someone who is already in another relationship? If he loved you he would be with you...period. Don't you deserve more than that?


Tex

I'm a bit confused, because I've just found this post on Open.....
But I've seen taigalucy somewhere before, can't remember where and can't find it now.... would like to know your story.
Maybe his fiancee does deserve to know, but I don't think you should be the one to tell her. He should, actually. What's he doing having an affair when he's about to get married?
And who'd want a guy like that, who is about to pledge his vows, in the most dishonest form possible?

thommy-

Welcome to the "Open" board. I moved your post over here because this is where people who have had or are having an affair can post. The "Open" board is not for the continuation or validation of an affair, but for people who want to end an affair and need support.

The Discovery board is for people who have just discovered their partners affair.

If I were in your shoes, I would bow out of the relationship. If this man TRULY wanted to be with you he would be honest with EVERYONE and tell them he made a horrible mistake and you are the one he wants to marry. Do you think he's going to do this? I would venture a guess, that he's having some cake now, and will have some wedding cake later with the woman he's engaged to.

One last question, would you trust this man with you heart knowing that he has the capacity to cheat on a woman he is professing to love?

Best wishes thommy and let us know how we can help.

TLMM

Sorry, I thought it was taigalucy's post!!! But you were moving it for Thommy, right? Sorry....xxx

you are all right about everything. i am thinking of breaking it off tonight. it's so hard to end it, but what choice do i have... for all of us?

I agree with everything everyone else has said. I do hope that she finds out though, again not from you because the motivation would not be for a good reason, but I hope she finds out how much of a pitiful jerk he is before she marries him instead of after. Sadly, she (the wife) will probably be looking for some support several years after she marries this man for other affairs.

I also wanted to tell Thommy that if I were you, I don't think I'd want someone who would cheat on anyone. It may seem like he is your "soulmate" but there are many cheaters who are just good at what they do and tell a woman or man what they want to hear to keep things spicy. Often repeat offenders, like my ex.

Charlie

I tend to think an anonymous letter telling the truth would be best; after you break it off. Realize you two aren't so special together that it will change his life, leave him and let her know...purely out of fairness so she has a chance to lead a truthful relationship. Keeping her in the dark, imho, is the worst thing to do here at this point.

thommy

mmm this is a tough one and maybe am just a tough old cow (call me that if you like) but a)why is he marrying her and not you if he loves you and b) why are you with someone who would treat you this way and also his fiance.

sounds like there is more to this story, but unless it is some sort of culturally arranged marriage where there is a belief that a god will strike three generations down or something, i have to ask again "if he loves you then why isnt he marrying you?". if he cant or wont, then he isnt worth it.

in regards to telling his fiance, i am in two minds, if she is told now then it will seem like sour grapes, but then this might be a hobby of his, so maybe she needs some enlightenment or protection for her future. who is responsible for this is a whole different question.

kath

"He says he loves me but is also honest about not being willing to give up his whole life and 'let everyone down."

Thommy,

I think what you wrote here is worth some serious thinking over.
First of all, the man is not 'honest'. Period.
Also, according to this, he is honestly telling you that what you mean to him, is a great big threat....to his life and everyone he knows. Of course this isn't really about you. It's all about him.

Try to bring this situation into the light of day in your mind and use your imagination as to how it would really be for you.

Lastly, my take on his fiance is that she should be informed. Absolutely. It's her entire future and life, and this is so unfair.

This really is a tough one. If you haven't gone NC with him yet perhaps its something you could add to your "goodbye" speech. "I'm going to apologize to your fiance for intruding into her life." Of course he'll try to talk you out of it. He might even get pissed or try to play on your sympathies. "If you love me then why are you trying to hurt me?" You gotta stand your ground on this. "You have 24 hrs to tell her or I will."

But then if you've already gone NC then it'll seem like you are being a vengeful b***h.

His first course of defense is going to be deny, deny, deny to her. Its all your fault. You came onto him and he of course turned you down and now you are stalking him.

Or...you are the vengeful ex g/f who just won't let go.

Then there is scenrio #3. I had one last fling before marriage. I'm sorry. I was scared. Blah blah blah. Once we're married of course I'll be faithful.

He's gonna cover his ass and let's face it, she's gonna WANT to believe him. Maybe its just me but I don't see her running from him about this. I see the exact opposite happening.

Do you want her to know its you? If you don't mind, perhaps an email and let her know if she has any questions she can contact you.

Whatever happens be prepared to take the fall on this. Are you strong enough to do that?

Best of Luck

Tex


Edited: for my usual typos

I tried to end it. I failed miserably. I really do know that you are all right about everything, I just wish that made the situation easier.

It's really hard to let someone go when you love them, even if you know deep down they aren't good for you. So, no, we definitely haven't gone NC yet. I'm trying to work up to it, and obviously not doing a very good job at it.

As for telling the fiance... I still don't know what to do. I think if it were me I would want to know. But I also know I would be lying if I said that my motives were entirely pure at this point.

Thanks for everyone's opinions and advice. I feel freed to have people to talk about all of this with in an honest way. Keep 'em coming.

Ok T-317. Then you start over again.

Look at your 1st post. You stated he doesn't wanna "let everyone down". Who is everyone? Wouldn't they be more let down in the future if they ended up divorcing? And what about you? He's obviously justified it to himself that its ok to let you down. Don't you think you deserve a guy that puts you up further on his priority list?

I don't care how many times he says "I love you". His actions say different.

Pick yourself up and start again. You can do this.

Tex

Thommy,

Having had a cheating H there is no way I would want to hear from the OW for any reason. There is no way you care at all for this woman... after all you are sleeping with her man so your motives for telling her are selfish. Your choices are 1) QUIT or 2) continue... By quitting your relationship with him you will hurt however, you are no longer aiding in the hurt of another woman who is totally in the dark and has no way of protecting herself. By continuing, you are doing wrong and you know it or you would not be posting on this site.

I believe you are a good person that wants to do the right thing.... just do it. O

I agree with much of what Tex wrote. I think it's highly possible that you will end up taking the fall on this whether you tell her or someone else does. Don't expect him to come clean and tell her the whole truth. And don't expect her to believe what she hears about him.

I definitely think the bride to be has a right to know. But as the other's have pointed out, I don't believe you are the person to tell her. IMO she's less likely to believe it if it comes from you. I'm not sure I agree with you giving him a deadline to tell her either. He will most likely call your bluff on that one, so you'd have to be prepared to tell her, which I don't believe is a good idea at all. You haven't mentioned if you know the bride. Do you have mutual friends? Someone who you trust that could talk to her?

As for what you should do about your relationship with him. I believe you know the answer to that one. You're here asking questions, which tells me you want to make the right choice. Otherwise you'd have already told the bride to be (without any thought of hurting her) in hopes that you could then have him. I believe you know the right choice is to walk away from this guy because if he'll cheat on her, he'll surely cheat on you. 

It's hard to get your heart wrapped around that, even when your head is telling you it's the right thing to do.You said you tried to walk away once and you failed miserably.  I know how tough it can be emotionally to pull yourself away. But suprisingly once you do walk away and let your emotions die down,  you start to see things a lot clearer.

Thommy, I commend you for posting here and asking for help with this. It takes a lot of courage to put it out there for everyone to see. Keep talking to us. You will find many supportive and caring people here.

GT
  

"Thommy, I commend you for posting here and asking for help with this"

I commend you for posting as well. You CAN do this :>)

Charlie

Okay, its time to think about YOU for a change.

I know this is going to be hard but you really have to do this.

Its not your responsibility to tell the fiance anything. I was cheated on and I found out from the OW's husband and I'm grateful for that but if I had heard directly from the OW, honestly, I think I might have seriously injured her. Seriously, Thommy, you'd be treading into potentially explosive territory.

You've recognized this is wrong -- just get out of it. Why do you want to be someone's sloppy seconds? He's engaged to HER. He's planning a wedding with HER. And he's telling you he loves YOU? Then why doesn't he break off his engagement? What kind of man who loves you continues to openly plan a wedding to someone else? And what does that make you? Put yourself in her shoes -- you know what names you'd be calling a woman who was sleeping with your fiance...

Is that what you are? Somehow I don't think so. I read your posts and I sense you are a thoughtful person who is torn up about this. You are struggling because this relationship is at odds with who you know you are deep inside.

If you want to truly get beyond this sort of destructive relationship you need to get some counselling and delve into your true motives and what you really want out of life. We're all attracted to alot of people in our lives -- doesn't mean we have to follow through on every attraction. If he's taken -- move on -- and get yourself a man who puts YOU first.

Somewhere else you wrote you felt you might be afraid if intimacy. I beg to differ. My theory is that you are afraid to go after what you truly deserve because you do not know your true self-worth. A person who holds themself in high esteem never settles for second best...

Jane

I like that last sentence you wrote

charlie

Note to self "follow own excellent advice...".

Thanks for the chuckle Jane!

Charlie

Thank you all for the insightful and supportive messages.

Jane, you are exactly right to say that I should demand more for myself... but you also reiterated how hard that is to do. It's funny how hard it can be to reconcile what you feel and what you know to be true. Even though I know that I deserve and am worthy of a man that loves only me and is willing to put me first... it is still so hard to give up a man that i'm in love with, despite the painful, dysfunctional circumstances. All that I can say is that i'm trying hard to make sense of it and ready myself to let him go.