i am the OW. i would never condone what i am doing right now, and absolutely don't ask for sympathy. but i also know that i am in incredible pain right now. we started out as friends and things got out of control and before i even realized it. it was definitely mutual, even leaning to the side that he pursued me... i've never been in this situation before and i never in my life intended or even imagined i would find myself in one... but i fell in love with him. selfish? absolutely. i'm single and lonely and he filled a void in my life i didn't even realize was there.

this is horrible for everyone. i hate the lying and i'm starting to hate myself because i know that what i have been doing is wrong and hurtful. i hate that i love him, that i ever fell in love with him. i hate that he is hurting someone else, someone innocent, someone who loves him. i can't make sense of anything. i know i have to get out- for everyone's sake. but it is still hard.

**Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. Your post has been moved to OPEN from the 'Empathy for OW' thread to conform with the policies of the DISCOVERY board.**
RW

I can understand how a person who is single and lonely could not understand appropriate boundaries and fall in love with a married person who did not honor his own marriage. Is he being fair to you? No. If he really cared about you, he would stay away from you! It is not fair to you or his wife for him to try to have both of you--the have his cake and eat it too syndrome.

I don't know what your circumstances are, whether he is a coworker or what, but IMO, the best thing for you and your mental and emotional health is to have NO CONTACT with him. You deserve to be treated better than that, as does his wife. As long as you are involved with a married man, you will never meet a single, AVAILABLE guy.

He is lying to both of you and likely to himself too. You don't need his lies.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. Good luck.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

>>i never in my life intended or even imagined i would find myself in one ... <<

Thanks for your post, Thommy. It helps to be reminded that the people who get sucked into the vortex of affairs are not stereotypes but real live human beings. I hope that you will find a way to forgive yourself for your mistakes. I hope you will be able to remember that every last one of us (in that each of us is mortal) is vulnerable to making mistakes.

The good thing is that you have realized this isn't the right situation for you or anyone and that you have resolved to let it go.

Relationships that are built on deception are built on a very shaky foundation indeed. Even if he were to end his marriage to be with you, there would always be this nagging insecurity in your mind about how he threw away his marriage once and could easily do the same with your relationship.

My advice would be to distance yourself completely. There are so many people out there who would come with far less "baggage" or who at least would be at a point in their lives where they have adequately dealt with it. Wouldn't it be great to find love with some who is secure in himself and who can dedicate himself fully to you and your relationship?