Just checking in, we've been a bit busy lately, plus, I've been in the bottom of the barrel again. Went to the IC last night and she wanted to hospitalize me, but I talked her out of it, they did increase my meds though. Panic and anxiety just was overtaking me. My H has been very sweet, kind, doing whatever he can.

Since her last e-mail and note to him, she has had her H out at the office, he was there for break one day. My H had to go out to tell someone about some issue inside and didn't even notice them, he went back into the building and her best friend was walking out and asked him if he went out there. He said yes, and asked why. She said that "SHE" was out there. He said so. She said that she was out there with her H. He laughed and said "so, what's the big deal, I don't care, maybe I should have waved to them," and walked away. He said that before that, she was very angry towards him, and had been that way for a few days afterwards. We thought that maybe she's trying to get things back with her H. (My H says that her H NEVER comes out to the office.) Who knows, and we really don't care about her life. But he said that she started to settle down and be freindlier towards him, but he didn't change or encourage her, in fact, he doesn't even talk to her, he's avoiding her even during the morning rounds and "hello's" to everyone.

The friday before the 4th of July she had put in for a half-day vaca day at the last minute. They really are not to be doing that anymore (new policy), but that policy hasn't taken effect just yet. So, he went up to her and tried to make his point known to her but in a pleasant manner, joking a bit with her, but letting her know that he was serious. He told me about it, and I got mad. I probably shouldn't have, but it was a trying day for me....4.5 hrs at a U-Haul dealer fighting about a trailer, no diaper bag, 40 min from home, and the kids needed to eat and I needed to pack so we could leave soon after he got home from work (which didn't happen, but he was so kind about my hassle from the day). We talked it out. He said that he was just trying to treat her the same as everyone else. But as we talked about it, he agreed that he cannot treat her the same and promised that he will not do so anylonger.

It's killing him to see me so messed up, depressed, dysfunctional. I promised that I would tell the IC all that's been going on with me. I was just afraid that they would increase my meds (which they did). I haven't felt like talking to anyone, dealing with anyone, doing anything. It's been hard to get out of bed and get a shower. I haven't even called my closest friends. H strongly encouraged me to go to my best friend's bridal shower on Sat, even though I had no desire to move. He's trying to make things, meals, evenings, as interesting as possible for me. He's being polite (not that it's unusual for him) when he comes back to the bedroom and I'm watching TV, asking if we can flip between his show and mine, he just wants to be with me, keep my mind out of the black hole.

We lost a friend, 16 lesions in his brain, just found them 2 weeks ago, gave him 3-6 mos, he lasted 2.5 wks.

We did go to our house in PA and worked on the kitchen, my H does wonderful work, it's beautiful, mom said that she actually cried when she got to her house and thought of it and all the hard work we did in those 5 days (we were up working until 2-3 am each night/morning). Then it was back to here and his work.

I just need to find a way to open my heart and trust him again. He's doing all he can to prove himself to me, but I'm just worried about how long that will last. He says forever, and also says that I shouldn't worry so much about that, that there are other things that I can worry about, like one of us dying (like our friend), something happening to the kids, etc. He says that he worries that I might get bored with him in a few years and instead of him roaming, it'll be me. (says that he's worried that he's the one who won't be able to keep my attention) The IC agrees and says that I need to find a way to look at what he's doing for me now, and cross the bridge of possibility if it happens. But says that from what the MC and I have told her about our past and how we are together and seperately, she feels that it's very unlikely to happen. Says that it was a slip, a mistake and he ended it immediately. Says I should concentrate on that aspect of it. I'm trying.

Glad you're still here. It's tough at the top, isn't it? But that's where we are - at the top. They're the low life's down at the bottom xxx