I have a good friend, a lovely woman who is married with four troubled sons. She is in an affair with a guy who is trying to get divorced. I live half way between the woman and her lover and twice she has used a visit to me as an excuse to visit the lover the next day, whom I have never met and don't want to. She is going to stop by this coming weekend on her way to see the lover. I am uncomfortable with the whole thing, being the excuse, if you will, for her to really go visit him. What people do is their business, or is it? She is a good friend who has an out of control life right now. Anybody offer any guidelines for what I should do?
I can only tell you what I would do. I would not allow her to use me as an excuse. I would tell her that it is her business who she sees but that you will not be a part of it. If she values your friendship she will understand that she is putting you in an awkward position and it will strain your relationship with her, and let her know that it goes against your better judgement and/or morals. But if she was a really good friend, I would also let her know how detsructive her behavior is, not only to herself but to her children. Say it in a way as not to make her defensive, but in a way she will undertsand that you are being a true friend and are concerned. That is what I would do. If she has any doubts as to the destructive nature of affairs just direct her here to this site and she will be able to see for herself.
I know it is not easy but you have to tell her how you feel.
Carol~
She is married and she is committing adultery and I would tell her that she should not use you in her game anymore. As well I would tell her that what she does is her own business, but that if you are questioned (ie by husband) you would not lie. So if her husband say were to call looking for her for instance you would say exactly who she is with and let him put the puzzle together.
Ask her if she has thought about what the truth would do to her family, to her husband and her children. Then recommend this website or http://www.network54.com/Forum/90639 for her to go and find out what kind of damage she is doing and how to get out of it.
Tell her you value her friendship, but that integrity, truth and honesty are important to you as well. Tell her you don't want to have to make that choice.
Thanks for the wisdom. I was completely surprised the first time she visited when she hurridly left my place saying she had to go meet this guy. The next time she didn't tell me either, so it was awkward to bring it up as she was pulling out of the driveway. This time, though, she sent an email telling her plans but that she had to wait to plan with me until he was available. You are both so right, I will find a way to tell her. After all, this hits a very sore spot with me, having just been dealing with my X and his betrayal. I have enough chaos in my life without dealing with it second hand besides.
I sent her an email saying because of the recent betrayal I have been through I feel very uncomfortable being involved by being used as a stopping over place. I told her I cared deeply about her and that I hoped she understood that I would love to see her but that I have had too much pain from lies and betrayal to be involved in any more. And I added that affairs never lead to anything except unhappiness and I want her to be happy, not sad. We'll see if she hates me or wants to continue being friends. I feel relief about being clear to her and bet she will respect what I say even if she is mad about it. Her life is really messed up right now, hope she gets back on track.
i think you have done the right thing, it is sad when friends do this stuff.
as a friend to her, even though she will probably be 'shitty' about your comments and decision, as her friend i think you are doing the right and best thing.
as a friend to you, well at the moment she isnt being a friend really, she might have been and in the future she may be a friend again, but at the moment she isnt.
hon i think this is what they call tough love.
again, i think you have doen the right thing, i commend you, i imagine it must have been hard to write what you did.
My friend emailed me back, saying she understood my feelings and in view of that she would not be visiting. She also said she is responsible for her own actions and she only sees him three times a year. I realize that when she said that she was trying to justify the affair away. He only sees her on his own time and he is the one who is separated, go figure. Well, I am out of that one and we probably won't be such good friends until the affair explodes, which it is bound to. I am relieved that I don't have to be involved.
Well, it seems as if people are falling away like dominoes. BF, good friend...why is the integrity road such a tough road? It gets a little lonely when you make good decisions.
