There's been talk lately on a couple other threads about how much an affair affects the betrayed spouses' self-esteem and how "unbeautiful" and insignificant it makes them feel. 

Now, Charlie and a few others have a "significant other" in their lives, and -- first I want to say that I'm happy for them.  However, I'm wondering about how those of us who aren't dating or involved might find their own ways of feeling beautiful, worthy, and lovable again.   Now I could just stay in the abstract and believe that "God says I'm worthy," but that only works ....in the abstract.   Living in the abstract is often lonely and unfulfilling.   I need ideas, plans, and strategies because I don't want to wait on a man any longer -- altho I'd love to have one.  (I think....then again, what would I do with him?? I forget.)

Any help here?

Jean

Jean

Well:

I get massages once a month, pedicures occasionally and manicures sometimes too. Even hair cuts makes me feel like a million bucks when I walk out of there!

I go to the gym and always feel good as I walk out knowing I put in a good workout and made that tiny baby step to achieving what I need to achieve.

This last weekend I met a guy who works in town occasionally that isn't looking for a girlfriend just somebody to hang with and he voluntarily gave me a foot massage for AN HOUR!!!!! Oh babeee that felt great! Really too bad that he isn't looking.....but friends that give foot massages are great too

I gain self esteem by achieving goals I have set for myself such as getting my education.

As the pain subsides the self esteem seems to go up a bit. Mind you some days I feel like the ugly ducking...so I am not sure if the above help. The one thing I did learn is that NOBODY can give me the self esteem I need except me. Sure its nice to have a guy tell you your beatiful and its nice to feel loved, but really the only person you can rely on is yourself. You NEED to learn to make you happy and then find somebody to compliment, not complicate your life. I think until you deal with those issues internally you won't make a great partner.

My .02 cents!

I can speak to the self-esteem issues, in general, when you are single. I knew I wanted to connect with guys but didn't want to become seriously involved with anyone, so I signed up for "volunteer vacations" through the American Hiking Society. I traveled all over the country to work on trails for various agencies. I met dozens and dozens of guys with whom I shared lots of fun and who respected me for my abilities, not for apprerance reasons only. I learned about how strong I was, both emotionally and physically. My self-esteem went from below the basement to some pleasant place where I knew I was just fine without a partner. Now, I still travel all over alone, camp alone, hike alone, and a couple of years ago I had enough of sleeping in a tent and I bought an RV so I can take my cat along. There is quite a bit of power in driving a "big rig" LOL around. Not to mention learning about how it works:

I was terrified of heights so I decided to conquer that by hiking in the high Sierra's in California on a backpacking trip that took me over an 11,000 ft pass, in snow. Heights no longer scare me much. I went on to school to finish a degree, taught myself to play guitar, dated dozens of guys from the personal ads (really doesn't work for me, sad to say, but I do have a book of stories waiting to be published---the one about the Lutheran minister with a trunk full of shoes is pretty interesting!). I traveled alone, in my van, to Alaska and back, driving 8,000 miles all myself.

I say all this because in my marriage I was not doing anything exciting and was so limited by my husband and family and my own fear of the unknown. When I got divorced I got tired of waiting around for some guy to find me and ask me out so I decided to become adventurous. It has been a very wild and fulfilling life these past 15 years. And, in case you think I have piles of money or an inheritance, think again. I have done all this on a teacher's small salary. Dream big, I say and life will bring it to you.

So, do I always feel beautiful? Well, hell no, but my spirit is very shiny and my body is very healthy and I dance like a teenager whenever I can. To me that is a beautiful way to live.

Sending beautiful wishes to you,

Judy

<<he voluntarily gave me a foot massage for AN HOUR!!!!! Oh babeee that felt great!>>  Whoo hoo!  Send him my way, Kid!  Well, tomorrow I have a haircut appointment.  It's already been cancelled 2 times, and I am way overdue for one, so....I think that will give me a bit of a lift.   

<<I gain self esteem by achieving goals I have set for myself such as getting my education.>>  One of my big goals has been taking steps to get out of this house and neighborhood -- but I'm a bit stuck there at the moment.

<<but really the only person you can rely on is yourself.>>   Kid, I've found in the past that often I COULDN'T EVEN RELY ON MYSELF.  I mean that literally -- when I would have a seizure and have short-term memory loss and it took 3 TO 4 WEEKS to get back to normal (whatever that is, haha) -- to have normal speech, vision, hearing, coordination, stamina, etc.....   So when I hear "the only person you can rely on is yourself" I know for a fact that that person ("myself") has shown to be rather unreliable. 

For me, I can't rely on anybody, including myself.  That leaves God -- because there is nobody else -- and that  leaves me in the abstract -- the spiritual -- the realm in which there are no foot massages, and definitely no kisses......

Can anyone tell I've had a crappy day? 

  There's a smile anyway.

Jean

Ohh thought of some other things


Buy new sexy lingerie
Get involved in activities that you excel in

In general just getting rid of the stigma that you need a significant other to be happy or normal!



Jean honestly I think you don't realize how reliable yourself is. Look deep inside and I am sure you will see

you don't hurt yourself
you don't yell at yourself
you don't make fun of yourself
yourself is always brutally honest to you
loyal
knows when its had enough and forces you to take a break
etc
etc
etc

That to me is realizing that you can count on yourself.



Did i mention the tickling session that followed the foot massage. OMG we were both rolling on the floor howling. I haven't had this much fun since I was a kid.

"As the pain subsides the self esteem seems to go up a bit. Mind you some days I feel like the ugly ducking...so I am not sure if the above help. The one thing I did learn is that NOBODY can give me the self esteem I need except me."

Maybe this thread was not targeted at me but before I did have a man in my life I think doing a lot of the things that Kid is talking about made me feel better about myself as well. ie finishing education regardless of my financial situation, gym workouts, bike riding on the beach, getting out with friends, etc. When I say regardless of my financial situation, I say that because my ex was trying to pressure me to quit school and get a full time job when we decided to D. I decided before I would do that, I'd move back in with my parents to get where I wanted to with my education. I'm real glad I didn't have to but I would have if I couldn't have done it any other way.

I read some article a while back that stated something to the affect of making yourself happy will also raise the other sex's opinion of you and how they see you.

"You NEED to learn to make you happy and then find somebody to compliment, not complicate your life."

Kid
I couldn't agree with you more.

Charlie

Oops, Charlie -- no, I didn't mean to single you out.  Just thinking that I feel I have more of a challenge w/ becoming or feeling beautiful because there is no one outside of myself (i.e., boyfriend) to remind me of all my wonderful qualities (ROFL, for sure).

So, yes, I was looking for suggestions (preferably cheap ones, since I don't have money for lingerie, etc.)

<<I read some article a while back that stated something to the affect of making yourself happy will also raise the other sex's opinion of you and how they see you.>>  yes, I'm sure that's true.

I'm thinking I need to volunteer somewhere.....join Parents w/out Partners and stuff like that.  It's so easly to let the days blur by with work and school activities and yet I'm not really connecting with any adults.

J

 

I guess I'm just venting to y'all tonignt.  It was a really, really .... really ....crappy day and I've been feeling very alone.

Jean

((((((((((jean)))))))))))

You are never alone...we are all here for you!
Well I don't have alot of spare cash so I don't buy new lingerie, but I have decided I don't need cable and would rather spent the $35 a month on something else and I find other ways of saving money to direct to me.

I think getting involved in the community as a volunteer is excellent. I did and do that too! The part about it I like best is that I see people who are in way worse situations and its then that I realize how very lucky I am.

Walks around the park are inexpensive. Meeting friends for coffee. Just getting out even if its to window shop at a mall and not buy anything. It's fun to just watch people and be out. When I stay at home for long periods is when I notice the depression hits the hardest!

Jean we do care and I am glad you posted!

Jean- In my opinion, you don't have to do anything, say anything, or buy anything to be beautiful- you just are. I feel the same way about myself, and it comes from knowing that I try to be the best person I can be. It has nothing to do with anything or anyone outide myself.

Having said that, it sure will be fun to hear a future sweetheart whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

TLMM

"I'm thinking I need to volunteer somewhere.....join Parents w/out Partners and stuff like that."

I think that is an incredible idea. I have seen it in the paper and thought that if I hadn't met BF that I surely would have done that next. Mostly just to get out and meet other adults and make a few friends the same or the other sex.

Charlie

jean, i hope you are having a better day.

for me the things that made me feel great were those things i could do alone, all by myself,like

changing a lightbulb,
a car tyre (big hi five there mate),
taking a self indulgent bath,
getting ALL the ironing done in one go, being able to have half an hour to shave my legs and pluck the hairs out of my chin,
remembering and making time to put lipstick on, regardless of the stunned reflection in the mirror,
moving to putting on foundation (just a little i have bad skin) and drawing in the eyebrows, i think it is called defining these days!
gettng to work on time, (after having dragged children through breakfast and school)
watching what i wanted to watch on telly,
stetching out in MY bed with a good book, good chocolate and good wine (ah the old days)

all those silly things that we do mate, just for us, be it making and then getting to drink a hot cup of tea or coffee without interuption through to negotiating a house move etc etc etc

these are the things that make us beautiful. the trick is, as kim said, if not to anyone else, then to ourselves. that is the most important bit.

and as others said, you are beautiful to us, in aus language, i can just say "you are pretty cool"

that is a big compliment, get to the mirror and say "kath says i am pretty cool - whatever that means to the mad aussie"

and be it, then you will be what you want to be and dont see that you are hon

BEAUTIFUL

kath
ps i do these things even with a partner to remind me of ME

"You Can't Hide Beautiful" Aaron Lines

She says don't stare at me
She's afraid that I might see
Those 5 extra pounds she talks about
I don't know what she's talking about

She looks through magazines
With every page she dreams of
Looking like somebody else
I wish she wasn't so hard on herself

Then she falls asleep with just my t-shirt on
But even when her hair's messed up and her make-up's gone

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful

She can take a simple dress
Put it on and turn some heads
Everytime she moves she gets me
She doesn't even know she's sexy

And the way she thinks sometimes
Out of nowhere blows my mind
She makes me laugh and makes me dream
I love the way she looks at things

A little piece of heaven god gave to this world
She might think she's just an ordinary girl

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful


Yup a country song but it kinda fits what y'all are talking about. I hope you have a better day Jean.

Regards,

Tex

Tex

Thats a good song

Charlie

Well....friends....what can I say, but thank you for supporting me so sweetly.  It truly does mean a lot.  I'd love to write more, but I'm in a bit of a hurry to get some things done and there's something else I want to post.   But I truly you all reaching out to your tired, frustrated, lonely cyberfriend.

J

Kid, you made some good points..... Thank you.  I guess I am reliable in those ways.....

Kath -- you're funny!  I can relate to the "stunned reflection in the mirror." 

Thanks again to all of you who posted your support. 

For the last several years I've been dealing a lot with heavy things that are beyond my control -- the obvious being my former husband trashing our marriage, but also the seizures (thank God, it's been 1-1/2 years w/out one -- dare I say they are gone for good?), sometimes the fibro, my dad's death, etc.  This morning another family member died of cancer -- my brother's mother-in-law.  Our families were very close, and I've known this woman for about 25 years. 

I've come face-to-face with circumstances that have forced me to let go -- such as when my own body has betrayed me.  Often it seems there has been no one around that cares or who helps, but....I have always made it through, with what seems like "circumstantial help."  For instance -- my children have never witnessed a seizure, and I've never had one when I've been awake.  When my former H lost his job when we were separated and I was very broke, my brother offered to pay for my divorce attorney.    The job I have, even tho it seems they are phasing me out,  is perfect for now-- I am finished in time to pick my kids up after school.  I can't find a way to move at the moment, but I'm working on it. .... so it seems that even tho I whine and complain, that God is watching over me..... I don't know why, and I don't know for how long ..... but I do have to practice releasing my white-knuckled grip on life and practice enjoying the ride.

I have to make cupcakes for my daughter's class now (her birthday!).

You all help me keep things in perspective, and for that I'm truly grateful.

J

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

... poem. So musical. Somebody should write a melody for it.

Cynthia - I have Maya Angelou's poem collection and that page is dog eared. I love that poem and I love Ms. Angelou. She's fabulous. (You and Kat have now posted 2 of my favorite things this week!)

Here's another one of my favorites:

Recovery

A lost love,
Proper in conclusion,
Should snip the wings,
Forbidding further flight.

But I, now,
Reft of that confusion,
Am lifted up,
and speeding towards the light.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

>>there is no one outside of myself (i.e., boyfriend) to remind me of all my wonderful qualities<<

If your marriage was like mine, you didn't have anyone to do that while married, either. At least now there's no one blaming you and resentful for everything that's wrong with their life (silently or aloud).

Chris.