<<I am feeling so empty inside. I have felt this way since d-day, which was 15 months ago. There is a huge void in my heart since my H is not doing anything to help rebuild the marriage.>>
I'm sorry, Carol. I know this hurts. I went through real similar stuff . But the more you focus on you and the less you focus on him -- and what he thinks of you, the better off you'll be.
<<All I know is that it really hurts to be ignored, unappreciated, and unloved. And it makes me want to seek his approval and affection even more>> I may be wrong here, but it seems to me that you are trying to prove to him that you are worthy of his love. Bull crap, I say. He's the one who broke his vows. So Carol, you can't fix what you didn't break.
Don't look at what he thinks of you anymore. You have to know, yourself, that you are worthy of the love that you want.
(Now, if someone could just tell me that very same thing, I'd appreciate it...... Scars run deep.)
First, when you are hurt by him not saying you look good without braces for instance........do you tell him you are hurting. Have you said to him "it hurt me when I got my braces off and you didn't tell me that I looked better or my teeth were beautiful". Have you told him that it hurts that he doesn't compliment you, but always has compliments for others?
Often us woman hold in what hurts us and don't communicate it to our husbands. They don't know unless they are told. You can't fix something you don't know is a problem. Don't just assume he should know, its the Mars/Venus thing.
Second, congrats on your scarecrow! Doesn't it make you happy and proud that you did something for you? If it doesn't then perhaps you should look at why you so desperately wanted your husband's approval or compliment and if it is something that makes you happy. Do the things you enjoy for you and to make you happy, not because you expect others to be proud of you. Try not to worry so much about what others think. The important thing is you are proud of yourself and you are happy. Focus on that and reaching that goal
Baby steps will get you there Carol.........I am sorry you feel so lonely. Honestly, together or apart there are still lonely times. In fact if you think back you may find even happy marriages have lonely times. Its normal and part of the process. It just hurts more now knowing what we know.
The best words I ever heard came from a book I am reading "there is a difference between being alone and being lonely". Very insightful I thought.
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Oct 3, 2005 12:23 AM
Oh Carol,
I would love to see your scarecrow! I love things like that and congratulations on your prize! I don't want to sound cold, but have you ever thought that maybe your H just doesn't have it in him to be nice to you? Maybe it comes from his up bringing or maybe some macho man imagine he has of himself, who knows, but if he has never done those types of things for you, he probably isn't gonna start. You are an intelligent, compassionate, beautiful woman. You don't need his approval or encouragement, it's nice to hear nice things from our spouses, but it isn't necessary. I know that sounds odd to some, but I was brought up by two Grandparents who rarely spoke a kind word to one another. When my Grandfather passed (I was 18) I stupidly thought my Grandmother wouldn't really care, after all, he complained, he huffed and puffed all of my entire life. I have never seen anyone mourn a man like my Grandmother did. I didn't understand it then, so I ask her about it many years later. She simply said, we loved each other the only way we knew how. Sometimes, that's the best any of us can do.
Don't worry, you have plenty of friends to cheer for you here.
Take Care,
Cynthia
Thanks Jean, Kid & Cynthia for your responses & support. Sometimes I feel like my posts are lame, but I cannot help how I feel at times. It makes me feel a little better being able to express myself at least here. When I tell H something he did hurt me he does that thing that most guys do when theya re annoyed and he says "<sigh> what did I do wrong now?" And it's not like I tell him he's hurting me on a daily basis, or even a monthly basis, or like Im telling him he did something wrong. He just doesnt want to hear anything I have to say, especially if it is going to make him feel bad.
In a marriage you are suppose to support and encourage your spouse. I don't feel my H has been doing that for the last few years. He used to tell me he was proud of me and he used to tell me I was beautiful, a great mother and a good wife. Now I get NOTHING from him. I used to feel loved and desired, and even appreciated. But his attitude has changed so much. I feel the marriage is worse than before the A. Maybe it's because I know about the A that I feel that way. But I really think things have turned really bad between us and I dont know if that can change. He just doesnt seem act like the marriage is worth any effort...not because of anything he says, but more of a lack of saying anything and a lack of action or reaction.
Up until the birth of our last child, who just turned six, he was a really good husband, even though he worked a lot. He was always there emotionally. Then he had an accident when our son was just 6 weeks old and got hurt but not real bad...a broken clavical and 7 stitches in his head. It seems that was the turning point. That was when he started working even more and pushing me and the kids away. That is when his attitude about EVERYTHING seemed to change. He always seemed to be angry and pissed off and about nothing, or little things. After the accident is also when he started smoking pot a lot more and coming home later, and then of course eventually had the A. I really don't know what was so bad about that accident that his whole personality and outlook on life would change so dramatically. I asked my IC about this (because he was our MC and knows my H) and he said that he feels my H is depressed. Sometimes accidents bring on depression, especially if a head injury was involved. And of course the pot smoking only adds to it, especially since he is addicted. The pot makes you depressed, but you forget all your problems when you smoke and it helps you to not feel anything. So I guess my H is not feeling much for me or the kids. In fact he even said that in MC at one time. That he got to a point where he felt nothing for no one. And unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. That is all up to him to change, fix, realize, or whatever. I know all I can do now is focus on me and the kids. But it still hurts...it hurts so much. I just cant make that feeling go away. I guess maybe after some time of just focusing on myself that will begin to fade. I sure hope so....
A blow to the head is nothing to sneeze at - as a matter of fact I had a training dealing with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) last week but it does not need to be traumatic for creating a change, just "a plain concussion" can do....
I would look into that accident a little bit more if I were you ... just a suggestion... and the fact he accelerated his self medication at that time...interesting... at least to me...
Thanks Kid...I know you have listened and replied to plenty of my vents, lol
Kats...we have no health insurance because we are self employed (not good, I know, but so far we have managed). Anyway, my H refused medical attention on the scene and waited for me to pick him up and take him to the hospital emergency room. I have no idea why he did that and to this day he has no "good" explanation for me. He did not have an MRI or a CAT Scan done, and I dont know why. The only thing they did was x-rays (clavical & head) and put the stitches in his head. Maybe because we did not have insurance they skimped? So I have nothing to go back and check on. The IC also thinks the accident played a role in my H's attitude changes, some may be medical & some of it mental...meaning some caused by the head trauma and some may be a result of the traumatice experience itself. And when I bring it up to my H that he changed since the accident (which I did so even before the A) he would get really angry about it. My IC found that interesting as well, also because he had gone through a series of loses just prior to the accident. We lost a baby about 18 months before the accident and he lost his bestfriend/cousin about 2 years before the accident...two events that he never really seemed to recover from. The IC thinks those events combined with accident just sort of made him snap. He couldnt deal with all of it so he started smoking a lot and began to withdraw, and the rest you guys know...
Carol~
PS If you want to see my Scarecrow here is the link. Just scroll down to see him.
LINK REMOVED by Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Dec 13, 2005 11:02 AM This message has been edited by pizzalady on Oct 4, 2005 10:32 AM
Kat said<<<I would look into that accident a little bit more if I were you ... just a suggestion... and the fact he accelerated his self medication at that time...interesting... at least to me...>>>
I think Kat is really onto something there. Perhaps he is trying to fix this himself instead of going to a doctor.
Carol I would really press the issue of getting health insurance. He needs a complete physical. Explain to him if y'all can afford a BMW then you can afford insurance if for no other reason than for the kids sake.
I can't imagine what the First place winner looked like! How cute! You are so talented, have you ever thought about children's book illustration? I love your Pizza dude!
Cynthia
Thanks guys...I am glad you all liked my "pizza dude". He was fun to make. I also painted all of the pumpkins you see in the "Pumpkin Give Away" section just below Pizza Dude. I also did most of the "coloring pages", except one
The reason we do not have health insurance is a long story. We have tried to get it several different ways, and the last one dropped us. It's all very complicated and has nothing to do with being able to afford it or not. I really cant go into all of it here on the board. I have tried to get my H in for a physical and I think he is open to the idea. I will see what I can do.
Not really well. His birthday was Friday and we are so busy on Fridays. Basically we had cake at the pizzeria, just us, the kids, and the staff. His mother had to go to Italy because her mother was in the hospital and they didnt think she was going to make it. His dad had to work. So it was pretty uneventful. BTW~ I did not end up buying the waterbed matress...just couldnt go there. Maybe for christmas or something, but I will not go back to the same place. Too painful.
