As they say "be careful what you wish for, because you mights just get it"

Carol~

Carol

I'm sorry your having a rough day or days

Just remember we're here for you

Charlie

I hear your anger, Carol... you have given, and given, and given... and comes a time when one has nothing else to give. It is when it is time for you to reflect, detach with loving feelings and do for yourself. We are all responsible to provide to our SELF. To take care and nuture our SELF.

It is said a marriage is a 50/50 proposition. I do not believe this. It may be a 10 and 90, a 60 and 40.... etc.... it is a seesaw which moves constantly. There is a fine line between nuturing and control. We cannot control our companion, spouse, or SO nor can we own them. In giving, one has to know if the 'gift' will be well received and not seen as smothering. I have been guilty of smothering - it is easy for me to do LOL....I am still learning to not re-act if the "gift" is not needed, welcomed, it is not what my H wants/needs at the time, not a total rejection of my SELF.

We are still a work in progress altho we are approaching 15 years of 'togetherness'. My H due to his work is often out of town several days during the week. We are used to this, I am used to this. Major problems have occured while he was not around and I had to deal with them to the best of my abilities. He trusts me to do the best, and I had to rein in my feelings such as "you should be here to help me deal with 'whatever"... well he is not and nothing I could say could change this fact. Yes, it could be utterly frustrating... but I have learned that spinning my wheels don't get me anywhere any faster

I realise the marriage we have may not be "conventional" on quite a few fronts, but we complement each other, at times better than others.

My point, Carol, if I really have a point here (lol) is take care of your SELF. As women we need to learn how to be 'selfish', to focus on what we can do and leave the rest. We cannot be 'perfect', we cannot be 'all to everyone'. The world will still be around whether the dishes are done or not, whether the house is cleaned or not.

Be aware, Carol, that under anger, more often than none, is fear. What are your fears? Understand your fears, look at them square and put them to rest. In the process you may discover your SELF and be able to nuture the woman you are.

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Dear Carol, You sound a lot like me. We think we should try to save the world and help everybody be happy around us, but it grows very tiresome and we hurt when we do not see results. And now I have learned that Little ole me cannot do that, I need to take care of only me. Hang in there girl, because I understand, and Kat is very right. Maybe we do too much sometime and we need to step back and take care of ourselves. I hope I am not sounding too pompous here, I do not mean to. Try to step back and look at you and your children and do things that you really like to do. The world will take care of itself. I think. I wish you restful thoughts.

NM

Jean

Would it be because you and I were trying to post at exactly the same time? I am not computer literate, just wondering if something like that can happen.

NM

What does he say when you ask him, Carol?

Chris.

Jean

Can you try to post again and see if it works. It may have been a Network 54 type of problem. Maybe Q or RW can tell us more if it doesn't work again.

Charlie

Carol
I wish so much for you that your H could see what he has to lose enough to do something about it. You deserve better than that and you do need to be concerned with taking care of yourself. You are offering the opportunity to work together, but aren't being met with any committment.
My WS was more straightforward with her position that she did NOT have the goal of staying together. Yes, she had some uncertainty about leaving the marriage0 and still does (my kernel of hope), but was still clear that is what she intends to do. In some ways, that may have been easier to deal with than what you are faced with. I can understand that the uncertainty and mixed messages can be torture. Think about what YOU need (other than to have him change in the ways you want), and what you can do to best meet your needs.
I have a good book I just finished that I'd like to recommend - How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams et. al. A short book that can be read in very small doses and still offer much to think about, and much comfort.
My thoughts are with you as you struggle with this.
-Rob

"Focus on what you have, not what you have lost"

(Hey, I can post now.  Don't know what that was all about.)

<<he is not sure either whether or not it is worth it>>   Carol, this part stuck out for me.  My concern, if I were you, would be that he may never be sure.  He may always be living in emotional limbo.  I'm saying this because that is how the man I married was (probably still is).   He may feeeeeeel badly about the wrong things he's done, but feeeeeeling doesn't get anything done.   Feeeeeling isn't commitment, or honesty, or integrity.  

In my case, Carol, I had to initiate the divorce because my former H was content enough to stay in the situation just as it was -- with a wife and children "for show" and women on the side for excitement.   I was the one who wanted the change, not him.  So I was the one who needed to make the change.

I'm not saying to divorce him.  And I'm not saying to stay with him.  What I'm suggesting is that you examine your boundaries regarding what's acceptable and not acceptable in your marriage. 

Hugs to you.

Jean