November 1st will make 5 years since my wife and I renewed our wedding vows in Hawaii. Wow, it doesn't seem that long ago, and yet we have come so far...
Our renewal was almost 1 year exactly from D-Day. I had gone through the fires of hell, singed and still smoking. We both hoped the renewal would somehow erase the pain, but of course, it didn't. The pain continued on for years, and still hurts to this day...
In many ways, we renewed our vows too early after D-day. There was just too much raw pain at the time. But symbolically, it was a new promise to each other. For her she was saying "I failed you, but I promise to be a better wife and stand faithful by your side". For me, I was saying "I don't like you very much right now, but I promise to stick it out because I love and believe in you".
For a long time, the renewal WAS my marriage. I felt the original vows were broken, and the old marriage was gone. The new vows symbolized our new marriage. A new beginning. It has only been the last year or two that I have been able to view our original marriage in a positive light again.
But, the renewal will always hold a special place in my heart. To once again say I do, I will walk with you through life, my lover, my partner, my friend...
We can't really afford to get away this year, but I wanted to celebrate our renewal anyway. So, my wife is taking a couple of days off work this week and we're just going to hang out together. We're going out for dinner and ice cream on Thursday, then Friday we're doing lunch out, seeing a movie, and getting a 90 minute couples massage. Just time to relax and soak in each others company. To hold hands, look in each other's eyes, and say I Love You... A very happy anniversary...
Well, my plans to celebrate our renewal anniversary didn't quite work out as I had hoped...
To begin with, I had spent weeks just TRYING to plan something. I had considered a drive to have lunch at Multnomah Falls Lodge, visiting a fancy spa together, taking a lunch cruise on the Portland spirit, rent a hot tub for an hour, etc. But, I just couldn't get those initial plans to work out. The schedules didn't work out, businesses were closed, and so on. It was very disappointing, especially considering I've planned many other getaways without any difficulty.
So, I tried to make do with a really scaled back celebration. Lunch Out, see a movie, and dinner out. Then we would get a couples massage on Friday.
We had lunch at Doner Haus, one of our favorites. That was probably the smoothest part of the whole date.
Then we went to see Elizabethtown. We both enjoyed the movie, but when we walked into the theatre it was nearly full and the movie was playing. We figured the earlier show just hadn't been released yet, so we walked back out and waited a while. As it neared the time of our movie, no one was coming out... That's when I discovered we had been sold tickets to the wrong movie. So, we had to go straighten that out and find the right auditorium for our movie. No biggy, but I think it was a sign of what the rest of our weekend would be like.
After the movie, I took my wife to try out a new restaurant near us. I had read many reviews about this place and it was supposed to be the "best of the best". Oooh-la-la. I thought it would be fun to splurge for once. Of course, reality was no where near the reviews. It was a glorified bar, so dark I could hardly see my wife, and so loud from the party drunks behind me that we couldn't hear each other talk. The food was just average, very expensive, and I certainly wouldn't put the "restaurant" anywhere near the top of my list. Another disappointment.
I had planned for us to try some ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery after dinner, but we were both too full from lunch and dinner to want any dessert. So, that plan didn't work out either.
The plan for Friday was to just relax at home until we went to get our massage. Get naked, cuddle up on the couch for the afternoon, and just watch TV together. But one hour into our day, my wife was bored out of her mind. She couldn't sit still, got irritated with me, and attempts at making love went belly-up as well. So, we kind of just went our own ways for the rest of the afternoon.
Then came the massage. I thought this might redeem the day, but of course, I was mistaken... We undressed, climbed onto the massage tables, and it was starting to look promising. The tables were heated (a first for me), and the therapists applied heated bean bags to our backs while they massaged our feet. It was starting out wonderfully. But once my therapist left my feet, my 90 minutes of torture began. This gal beat the living daylights out of me, as every muscle in my body tensed and ached from the attack. By the time it was over, I was sweating and exhausted from the ordeal.
I know, I know, I should have spoke up and said something. But, even though I speak my mind and have an opinion about everything here on these forums, I'm not that way in real life. So, I just laid there quietly and let the gal take out her frustrations on me. Three days later, and I'm still sore in many places from that massage...
My last massage I had in California the therapist acted like she didn't want to touch me, and now this time the therapist wanted to shove me through the massage table. I will really have to think twice before scheduling another massage.
I thought we might enjoy the rest of our weekend together, but we bickered and generally avoided each other most of the weekend. A small gift I ordered for her three weeks ago didn't arrive. I tried to "spice up" our weekend with a few ideas, but she was hurt by those too, and we didn't make love for most of the weekend. It just didn't seem like anything went right.
So, I'm disappointed and real hesitant to try planning anything in the future. I think I have lost my romantic touch...
Gosh Anthony....what a disappointment. But, what could possibly top Hawaii? I think your efforts to attempt the renewal were fantastic in thought and spirit. At least you both recognized it and could get away from it....that's good too. I think your wife paid the massage therapist some money to hammer you..kidding. Well..maybe next year. I envy you your place with her in her life. The A in our marriage ended in divorce. I would love to be in your place...with him and the family together. BUT, I often think about the quote I read here somewhere...
"The affair was the beginning of our marriage"
I am hoping for:
"The divorce was the beginning of our marriage"
I am obviously not at acceptance yet...I am struggling with getting there, but I eventually will....I hope.
Best of luck next year...let her plan the day next year....
Anthony,
Ever hear that saying " If you want to see God laugh, make a plan"? It's so true.
You seem to have had more than a plan, you had a fantasy. Ice cream and then a full body massage? Trust me, that was bound to cause you problems ! I'm only teasting you a little. When ever I have tried to make plans, something happens, usually life. Some of the best memories I have of my time with my XH weren't the ones where he had planned some big event for the two of us, but always the times that weren't planned, the things that just happened. Getting caught walking down the beach in a down pour, having no where to run to get out of the rain so we just took our time and enjoyed the moment. Or the time when we came home and found a bat in our house, just things that couldn't have been planned for. I bet your Wife has those memories too. So don't worry that it didn't happen this weekend, it happens everyday.
Take Care,
Cynthia
I was going to post something entirely different then I read Q's post and it struck a chord in me. Good question........what did she do for you and why was she ignoring you and in a bad mood on your anniversary of ALL days!
You certainly cannot predict anything that happened. But hey at least you know the massage therapist will touch your back Anthony
I just came home from one. I have a lady that I usually go to and she was a bit rough on me tonight cause I had some very tender spots. Sometimes its necessary to work those spots hard. I am sore now but likely will be fine by tomorrow night. I know the kink in my neck and the migraine on day 5 is gone now Maybe you just need to be clear up front with the RMT and tell her to be gentle........or find a RMT that is highly recommended by other friends. That is how I found mine and I recommend her to my mother....who recommended her to my sister etc etc. She is good at what she does, and that isn't always the case when you pick randomly.
I was desperate one night and pulled out the phone book and went to one that had an opening. OMG I thought I was dying through the whole thing...........I HAD bruises the next day and couldn't stretch my neck for 3 days later NEVER do that again!
Anyway what I was going to say is.........you should be somewhat appreciative of the fact that you do in fact have the ability to celebrate your anniversary as many of us don't share that ability. But I definitely think Q has a point.........any occasion should be a 50/50 thing, even Valentines Day.
I've been there, done that. I once made the mistake of planning a massage an hour after a brunch out. I ate way too much, and being squeezed and rubbed afterwards was not real relaxing... I now factor meal times into massage plans...
> When ever I have tried to make plans,
> something happens, usually life.
Yeah, that's usually the case. I don't mind, and as you say, it's often memorable to look back on. It's just a bummer when everything seems to go wrong. The first time it's like "Ooops". Second time is like "bummer", third time is like "You've got to be kidding...".
In any case, she still seemed to really enjoy the weekend. She liked lunch and dinner, enjoyed the movie, and found her massage very relaxing. The disappointment was mostly mine...
> the times that weren't planned,
> the things that just happened.
I don't know why, but this reminds me of a night when we were in Hawaii. My wife and I were talking about being "vocal" in bed, and how we are both generally quiet in that respect. When all of a sudden she shouts out loudly "YOU HAVE A BIG C**K"! Keep in mind, our cabana in Hawaii didn't have windows, only screens. So we both ducked under the blankets laughing hysterically. A goofy and embarassing moment, but one we'll both always remember with a smile. I still wonder if anyone heard her...
Quinn,
> What did your wife do for you on your anniversary
Our renewal anniversary is actually Nov 1st, and our wedding anniversary is on Nov 22nd. So she still has time...
In general though, she rarely does much for anniversaries, valentines, or my birthday. Usually just a card, if anything.
I'm generally the romantic half of our relationship, and I'm OK with that. It meant a lot to me that she actually took a couple of days off work to spend with me. That's a big step for her, though it wasn't clear what she enjoyed most... Being with me, or just not working...
Kid,
> I had some very tender spots. Sometimes its necessary
> to work those spots hard.
I didn't have any problems going in. I felt fine, but was just hoping to relax and be pampered a little.
> be clear up front with the RMT and tell
> her to be gentle.
I've never experienced that before, so it never occurred to me. It'll be first on my wish list if there's a next time...
> find a RMT that is highly recommended
I was looking for a "couples" massage (2 therapists, 2 tables, same room) which significantly narrows my options. Once the massage starts, it doesn't really matter, as we forget the other person is even in the room anyway. But, it's nice to be together before and after, seeing your partner naked and oily with pillow face and messed up hair!
We had a regular place we used to go to, but their staff left and they got kind of weird. Our other favorite place is expensive and quite a drive from home, so I've been trying to find something closer.
> you should be somewhat appreciative of the fact that
> you do in fact have the ability to celebrate your
> anniversary as many of us don't share that ability.
Good point... I do need to keep that in mind...
RW,
> what would the wife plan for you
On the rare occasions when she plans something, she tends to be more traditional. Basically things she can find in a phone book or hear about from a friend, such as a canned romance package at a motel. I appreciate the effort, but she usually doesn't put a lot of thought into it.
I tend to look for the unique, out of the ordinary, and often "low budget" things we can do together. Something new we can share together. In contrast, I spend TOO much time planning these things...
> find enough balance in your relationship dance?
It is what it is... Sure, I'd love for her to surprise me from time to time, but that has never been her thing, before or after the renewal.
Yea, it's not everybody's thing. That's ok and all unless you put a lot of personal value on it yourself, and it's never or rarely reciprocated.
My last marriage was 14 years l o n g. It wasn't until after d-day (10 years into it) that he ever sprung anything on me and it was merely damage control. He was stingy and rather paranoid about giving. Bills were a constant struggle. He seemed to feel that if he gave, he'd lose something for himself. So he took--He took another man's wife too. I gave a lot and that's not boasting. It's true. Stuff, money, time, energy, and fixing chaos.
This example was one of many kickers: I paid 3/4 down on our first moderately priced house we owned for 8 years. You can imagine how small the mortgage was. If not, it was $245 per month. His prior rent had been nearly triple that amount. In spite of this pretty 'good deal' and reduced financial burden he wanted to further cut that expense to himself, so he proposed we split the mortgage payment. GAWD. It was endless.
Anyway, in the end, there was huge imbalance. I hated it that way, but there was no remedy. I never found a way to resign to it, and he never changed.
Your situation is different, of course. Mine got absolutely ridiculous and it drove me out of Dodge.
> you put a lot of personal value on it yourself,
> and it's never or rarely reciprocated.
It's my area of "giving". I "take" plenty in other areas...
> stingy and rather paranoid about giving.
It's mostly a time issue with my wife. She works herself to death. Goes in early, works through lunch, works late, works from home, and complains about it every step of the way. Makes no sense to me. I truly appreciate all she does, but I don't think it's worth the health issues or the stress. We don't need the money THAT bad, and she doesn't get any extra for the extra time she puts in.
Anyway, working constantly doesn't leave her much personal time to do things like gift shopping, or planning a romantic getaway.
I've tried every approach I could think of to get her to relax, cut back on her hours, and not work herself to death. It's like beating a beating a dead horse. Things may change for a week or two, but she slowly goes right back to her old pattern. Right now I'm just avoiding the additional stress and conflict and let her work herself silly if that's what she wants. I can't change it anyway.
> Bills were a constant struggle.
We live on a relatively small income, but try to make the most of it. We haven't "struggled" in a while, but we don't have money to burn either.
I usually manage our finances, so I know when we have extra money to do something special, and I have the time to research and plan things.
> he proposed we split the mortgage payment.
Thankfully, we've been joint everything since the day we met, even before we were married. Her money and my money has always been our money. It has never been a problem. We've probably had less than 5 fights over money in our 19 years of marriage.
Sex, on the other hand, is the subject of many arguments...
Maybe you just need to be clear up front with the RMT and tell her to be gentle........or find a RMT that is highly recommended by other friends. That is how I found mine and I recommend her to my mother....who recommended her to my sister etc etc. She is good at what she does, and that isn't always the case when you pick randomly.
NEVER do that again!