It was good to meet you in chat today. I hope I wasn't too blunt. I tend to be that way at times. One thing I've learned from being on these forums is we all heal at our own pace and in our own time. You have to do what you think is best for your situation.  

In reference to my login name you asked me if I thought I was "there" yet and I don't think I gave you a straight answer. My husband and I are in a good place right now relationship wise. So in that regard I'd say yes, we are there. As for my own personal healing, I can now look in the mirror and like the person I see looking back at me. And I've also learned through all of this is that no one can take that away from me unless I allow them to. I'm not sure if that means I'm "there" but I do know it feels really good to be where I am. 

I'm sorry you had to find us but hope you will find the support you need. You mentioned on another thread how you sat around waiting for the responses to your post when you should be out doing other things. We've all been there Sage, so don't be hard on yourself.  Posting on these sites was all that held me together some days and gave me hope. Keep posting and talking to us. 

GT 

 

Same, Sage.... it was good to have chatted with you this afternoon. I, too, have the tendency to call it as I see it...Like you, I don't like to play games - ....I have had my fill of drama and head games.

Find the eye of the storm, Sage... and may you find peace .

And as you walk you make your path Kat

GT and Kat, I knew there was a reason I get along with both of you so well.



Sage, add me to the "calls 'em as I sees 'em" club. I'm glad my questions (on another thread) got you thinking.

Would you describe yourself as primarily a "thinking" person or primarily a "feeling" person?

(Kick me if GT already asked you that in chat.)

Chris.

>>Find the eye of the storm<<

I like that.

"Find the I of the storm" might work too.

I like that too Q

Charlie

Hi All.

I appreciate your honesty, bluntness (although I don't define it in those terms...I think I like the concept INPUT) and willingness to take time from your own busy lives to attend to the needs of someone you don't even know. What role have your parents played in this for you? I don't have parents and haven't had any for 25 years...they both died young. I sometimes "talk" to them...you know, like some people talk to God I suppose. Anyway, they aren't talking back...I guess because they are dead. That's a scary thought, I talk to dead people. AHAHAH. I need to stop thinking or I am going to end up wanting to commit myself somewhere. I often fantasize about that. I would love to check myself into the local mental health center and just be able to be alone and heavily medicated so I don't need to think about all of these horrible thoughts that take up so much of my energy and mental space....stay there sedated for how ever long it takes and then "wake up" FIXED. Wouldn't that be great? Has anyone tried that? Let me know. I could stay confined for a long weekend and try to get out of this vortex I feel that I am in....I want to be able to stand on the side of it and just watch it, but not be a part of it. I am too much a part of it and caught up in it too much.

FYI

"stay there sedated for how ever long it takes and then "wake up" FIXED. Wouldn't that be great? Has anyone tried that?"

Well Sage

I did notice in the paper today that they found a WWII pilot (I think) from the 1940's in the ice and maybe, just maybe he was trying to escape an A too - never know. LOL

Only problem is that while his body may have been somewhat preserved, he's dead

Charlie

Just wanted to share this website wayneandtamra.com with anyone who would like some direct answers to relationship questions. IMO these people are the BEST at dissecting situations and giving wise advice.

Read the advice from Oct. 10th, and check out the book on the history of marriage.

TLMM

MM: the link to that article is:

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/1weekago.htm

I don't know anyone who is as direct (blunt?) as wayne or tamara. I would very much like to know how effective their direct approach is compared with, say, the hand-holding approach of some therapists ..... I mean, practically speaking. Nobody will listen if you are too brutally blunt. On the other hand, is there any point in someone listening if you insist on beating around the bush and never get to the point?

Sage wrote>>I would love to check myself into the local mental health center and just be able to be alone and heavily medicated so I don't need to think about all of these horrible thoughts that take up so much of my energy and mental space....stay there sedated>>

Well I've been there. Not checked myself in, but I do remember a time I wanted to just go through one day without thoughts running rampant through my head. I remember thinking that being sedated for even a short amount of time would be a welcomed relief. It's hard to turn those thoughts off and let your mind rest. I'm the type of person who gets consumed with something and just can't move past it until I've beaten it to death. 

Someone being blunt with me has always worked much better than someone beating around the bush. Maybe that's why I have a hard time sugar coating things. The downside to being so blunt (for me) is that I feel like I am not being as compassionate as I should be. Or maybe sometimes being blunt with someone is the most compassionate thing you can do?

GT

Hi GT. I think I agree with your last statemeent...I like you have this horrible need to dissect everything until I find out what is festering in the middle. So..blunt works with me. I so respect each of you for getting to the point in you lives where you are...I want to be THERE with you. I am bawling as we speak....I can't even see because me eyes are swollen so much. I feel like such a loser....I thought I was this together person with all of the responses that I needed at hand....this event has thrown me for a loop. Maybe its failure I can't deal with. Perhaps this is the only thing that I have ever failed doing....Whew. I again, want to be sitting on a beach somewhere LAUGHING MY A$$ off about this someday. I don't care who is with me....I just want to be able to do it. I hate the expressions about life being hard....it is challenging at the most....I don't want to think my life is hard because I am the luckiest person in the world. I have a wonderful job, wonderful friends, a wonderful home, two wonderful sons.....not really a worry in the world....if you could see me now, you would think that I was the most pathetic thing in the world. I am so glad you all don't have to see me now. Oh...I have to go...thanks for being so honest and upfront with your personal life and experiences...I really do appreciate it...I am still believing each and every one of you that I will get through this....one the other side....laughing at the beach about it someday.

>>Maybe its failure I can't deal with. Perhaps this is the only thing that I have ever failed doing....<<

You are old enough to remember the movie "Kramer vs. Kramer" and the scene where the lawyer is badgering Dustin Hoffman on the stand about losing his job and marriage, asserting that he had "failed" at a man's two most important obligations.

I felt that way for a long time after d-day: I was NOT going to fail at marriage. I insisted on counseling, twice. Once before the affair and once just before the separation and divorce (six years later).

Guess what?

I didn't fail at marriage. Someone else did.



Once I truly accepted that there was NO WAY for me to control another person's actions, EVER, I was free of all the crap dragging me down, and free to live my own life. In contrast to your life, mine IS hard...yet I am happier than I have been anytime in the last 10 years. (Was married 21 years.)

Sage, your exH is doing exactly what he wants. Why don't you do the same for yourself? Remember, if what you want is for someone else to change his mind and/or behavior to agree with what you want, that doesn't count. Spouses and ex-spouses aren't things to be manipulated and formed. They're people to be accepted at their word, whose choices need to be honored.

If they want out, I think we have to let 'em out. In my case, I told my wife that she needed to be really sure because there would be no turning back and no second act. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Chris.