<<We're having trouble finding alone time for the two of us>>>
Alone time? For what?? Enquiring minds wanna know. Or is this the wrong thread for that discussion?
Well, a few weeks ago I set my boundary about counseling or no relationship, he agreed to IC, then changed his mind to CC, then another week and said he would call for appt, then one more week and I asked him about it and he said he was going to follow through but that hasn't happened and I reminded him of my original stipulation, (which he agreed to) and he got very upset, threatened, etc. I stuck to my calm self, and the issue. He kept coming up with a million side issues. Guess I have my answer on the relationship. Feel relieved that I made a line in the sand and stuck to it, but sad that he would not, could not, follow through on his end. The alcohol issue is the big one, I think. He just can't face it and will sacrifice the relationship rather than look it in the eye.
So be it, I say, I'd much rather be single than deal with manipulation.
Thanks for asking, GT.
Judy
This message has been edited by newday52105 on Nov 8, 2005 8:57 AM
This is a big issue for us too since he started work last week. There is no time for me or him, a big change in our relationship. We used to be able to have "alone time" on the mornings I did not go to work until later. That means a lot to have uninterrupted time to do whatever.
"The alcohol issue is the big one, I think. He just can't face it and will sacrifice the relationship rather than look it in the eye."
Judy
I really think that is why my ex wanted a D after I told him he needed addiction counseling. After his flat out saying he didn't have a problem, I (in my stupidity) agreed to seeing only a marriage C again. He said no go to that too, b/c by then he figured out that they would only tell him that he needed an addictions C as the last one had. I don't think he necessarily wanted our relationship to end, he just didn't want to fix himself badly enough to stick with his family. Sad
Your right, you don't want a relationship like this, it will only cause hardship for you.
Well GT, what about taking a walk every day with each other just to talk by yourselves. Kids are NOT allowed to go, weather permitting, of course. Or taking a little car ride once a week for a few hours or even a date night once a week. It's wonderful to have kids who are old enough to take care of themselves. Even every other week?
Maybe even do something you haven't done since you used to date each other.
BF and I go on lots of bike rides - probably near 30 miles last Sunday. Both of us used to do these things with our ex spouses back when we were both first married but both stopped after we had children. We decided this will be something that we will continue to do very far into the future Did you use to do anything back then before kids that you stopped?
Thanks, Charlie, dealing with alcohol addiction is like trying to capture a shadow and sometimes it just gets too dark to see the edges. I always think I can handle being in a relationship with someone who drinks too much because they hide it so well in the beginning. I always hope it is not a problem. Then things begin to unravel. This is the first serious relationship I have had where someone is so good at hiding the problem. He is in his own kind of hell and I am not going to go there with him. As you say, it is a sad thing. Especially when they turn all the blame on you rather than take responsiblility for themselves. Glad you got out of the situation. I am glad I am on my way out as well, it just takes too much energy.
Yes, this is his pattern not to follow up on what he says he will do for the relationship, although to his credit he has been 110% committed in every other way (calls, dates, etc.) And he was just terrified of counseling, he admitted it. That's why I was so surprised when I gave that ultimatum and he agreed. Of course, he would agree to anything (I know that now) to keep me around for a couple more weeks. And perhaps he thought he could do it, but the thought of really being honest just gets too overwhelming for him. He just is not relationship material, probably never will be until he stops drinking. And he has not hit bottom enough to do that yet, sad to say.
My husband and I have taken a hot bath together every night now for as long as I can remember. We guard that time closely and make sure it happens each night. So that's one thing we do together without fail.
I know it's our fault that we don't spend anymore time alone together than we do. We enjoy doing things with our kids and sometimes get too caught up in that.
I think I need to suggest a date night more often. I'll do that. And yes it is nice when your kids get to that stage and you don't have to pay a sitter.
GT
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Nov 7, 2005 11:17 PM
I thought he was open to doing that (CC) but now he just gets angry so he doesn't have to talk about it. Now I think counseling is way down the road; he needs to get his life under control first. I see that he is not capable of building a relationship because he has to find time for his drinking when I am not around, he knows I will not tolerate him drunk so he chooses the booze rather than me. About the time we make some headway he realizes that his lifestyle would have to change if we got more involved, so then he breaks a promise or does something cruel to sabatoge his (our)happiness. Then he perceives that I am rejecting him because I try to talk about why he broke the promise, then he uses that to storm out of my place and probably get drunk. I admit sometimes I have been very angry and have said some cruel things myself when this happens. This time (a month ago) I made a clear statement that I would not work on things any longer if he did not follow through on IC or CC. He agreed and has been very attentive, so once again I was hopeful, but then when the rubber meets the road (making the appointment) he backs away and brings up all these excuses. This time though, it was very clear he did not do what he agreed to do and he freely admits that, calling himself a "failure." Woe is me, I wanted to say, I am not playing your game any more.
At this point I really do not want to pursue being with him any longer. I have used up my patience and have heard enough excuses. There will not be a change I can see that, so I need to take care of my own health. Life is too short to live with broken promises.
It sounds as though the two of you have been at this place many times before in your relationship. How long have you been together as a couple?
I know your story must be on these forums somewhere, but I couldn't find it. Would you mind pointing me to it or giving me some specifics? I can't remember if there was another woman (women?) and if that is still a problem as far as the other person still being in the picture. How long ago since you discovered his betrayal? Is the main issue now his alchohol or the infidelity, or both?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get clear picture of where you've been.
We have been together two years and it has been rocky the entire time. I discovered his Internet "romances" on 5-21-05 as my login states. We tried to sort through that but he has never really explained things to my satisfaction and I was willing to let that go but I have never felt that trust that you need to have to move through these hard places. In the last couple of months he has tried really hard to be "present" in the relationship and that gave me hope. My condition, when getting back together with him, was that he would agree to go to counseling and make the necessary arrangements for that. He agreed readily but that never happened. I gave it two weeks longer than the agreed upon date because he kept stalling. Finally, I realized he was not going to uphold his end of the bargain. So that's where it is now.
I do not have my story on member's forum, I am not comfortable doing that right now because of privacy issues.
"Especially when they turn all the blame on you rather than take responsiblility for themselves."
Yep, my ex would accuse me of being controlling when I told him he needed therapy. If you let it happen enough going through that cycle of them misbehaving with their addiction and your getting upset over it, you will always be to blame and sometimes you will even start believing it yourself. Ughh, thank the lord I am away from this behavior.
Judy
A dating relationship shouldn't be "work", it should be easy - two people with courtesy and respect for each other. I mean when your married there is a bit of work related to joining assets, financial stuff, children, living together and more but if your dating and it's work then what would it be like if you married? There are men out there who don't have addictions and thus no need to throw blame, are kind generous and always considerate. I didn't think that when I was with my ex but I have found one
So it sounds to me like at this point you know what he's willing to do and not do. And it sounds like you have made up your mind that you won't live this way. Do you feel like it's taken you this long to work through those things and now you're ready to walk away? Or have you been at this point many times before?
Are there other things you need from him other than the counseling that he's not willing provide? Obviously trust is a big issue since he won't come clean about the internet use. Do you know if he's stopped that behavior or is it still going on? I guess I'm asking if he's opened up to you in any way about the problems in the relationship or if he just continues to makes promises and then doesn't keep them. Have you made any progress in those two years or have you pretty much spent that time beating your head against the wall trying to get each other to change?
I'm asking all these questions because it sounds like you really do love this man and aren't quite ready to give up on him, even though your head tells you that you should.
Great insights, GT. Well, I used to love him but now I feel mostly apathy and indifference... and a wee bit of joy at thinking I can have my life back without him in it; I am very ready to move on. I know there is someone out there who shares my values and will be willing to devote equal work to the relationship.
We are very compatible on many levels, but he has always had a problem being open and I have always had a problem with trust, so there you have an impossible impasse, unless you have a third party to intervene, IMHO. He won't do that, so that leaves me with only one choice and that is to be done negotiating about it and move on.
I have always worked harder on the relationship and he would say that too. We just have grown further and further apart. My mistake before was believing that we could move forward. I have agreed to taking him back several times and each time he has changed one behavior (being late, calling, Internet use, compliments, traveling). But, I am the one who wants to move forward and he does not. When two or three weeks go by with us having a very strong and loving relationship he backs away and either drinks too much, avoids intimacy, or withdraws. Still, like so many of us, I always held out hope, based on his promises, that we could resolve things.
I thought he had stopped the Internet stuff, but how does one ever know? There are still secrecy issues and he gets very defensive when I ask about those things. For instance, he keeps his office door CLOSED whenever I am at his house and even after two years I do not have a key to his house. I think deception is all tied up in his alcoholism, so who knows what goes along with that?
This time, though, I know there is no going back to him. So, yes, I still care for him but I don't think it's love any more. My co-dependent self feels compassion and sadness but my healthy self feels freedom from the see-saw of such chaotic behavior. When he is not drinking he is just a wonderful guy, that's the guy I was in love with.
Part of his big problem with me is my traveling. Next week I am going to Cuba and he was very threatened by that, he somehow thinks I am going to have a fling with a Cuban. Geeze anyway, he really doesn't know me very well, I would never do that when committed to him. Well, on second thought, maybe he's right. I'm no longer committed to him...hmmmm (That's my angry self, guess she is still alive and well LOL).
Well it sounds like you're clear on what you want. And it sounds like you are ready to move on. If he's not ready to step up to the plate then you need to stick to your boundaries. Have you had the ending talk with him yet?
I'm going to vent a little of my own "stuff" this morning if that's ok.
We had an event happen in our family yesterday that was pretty important. I'm out of town so my Mom was keeping me posted by phone. Well, she was supposed to be anyway. At the end of one of those conversations she told me she'd let me know as soon as she had some news. The news involved someone I am very close to. I didn't want to call the person because they were in no condition to be taking calls so my Mom was the go between. She told me we should have some news within that hour.
Seven hours after that last phone call I still hadn't heard from my Mom. Even though I was getting worried, I hesitated to call because I knew they were in a position that cell phones didn't need to be going off. Plus I just knew she would call (like she said she would) when they had news.
Finally late last night I called my Mom's house thinking I might get her husband (my Dad passed away several years back) on the phone. To my surprise my Mom answered. I immediately asked her what was going on. She told me the event had taken place 6 hours earlier and she hadn't called me.........because she didn't have my number on her cell phone. She mumbled something I couldn't understand when I asked her how long she had been back home.
So basically she blew me off. I won't even go into why she didn't have MY number on her cell phone, since I am her daughter after all. But that one hurt. She did mention that she'd called another one of my sister's who lived out of town, who by the way could have called me had my mother asked her to. Plus, there were two other relatives right there who had my number if only she had bothered to ask them for it.
I can't tell you how many times something like this has happened. At first I was pissed. But then that little voice inside me starts making excuses for her and saying....it's not about you GT, they had a lot going on. It's selfish of you to be bothered by the fact that she didn't call when she said she would. But then I go the other way and tell myself to stop making excuses for her. This was not a life or death situation and my Mom was only there for support for this person. She could have gone to the time and trouble to call me, but she didn't.
I continually let her off the hook and make excuses for her. I can write a long list of times she's blown me off like this or done something that shows me she simply doesn't care enough to be there for me . But each time I refuse to see it for what it is. Instead I take it on myself and think it must be me and that I'm being too hard on her. It's tough for me to know where the line of her selfishness ends and where mine begins.
And yes, I've talked to her about this many times. I guess I just can't quite resign myself to the fact that she's not going to change. And I have to let it stop getting to me. I know what it is. It's painful for me to realize that after all these years she still isn't there for me.
I know someone is probably reading this and thinking......it's just a phone call. Well, it's more than the phone call. It's the realization (once again) that I fall to the bottom of her list. This has been one of the hardest parts of my recovery. One of the things my counselor really got on to me for was taking on the blame for anybody and everybody. Kind of ironic since it took me a long time to take on the blame for my affair, huh?
And yes I know, I need to let this go. I'm working on it but obviously I'm not there yet.
Sorry Judy, guess I needed to get that out this morning. I feel much better now.
GT
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Nov 8, 2005 11:23 AM
All of that and only one edit line, wow ! Seriously , don't that OLD family stuff really get to you?
My turn. I called NM before she got off work last night and asked her if she wanted to meet me for dinner (supper)at such and such resturant on her way home. I get there first and there is her mom and brother and SIL. Cool surprise. So they asked about NM and I said that she will be here any minute. They asked us to join them. We are catching up with brother and SIL since we hadn't seen them in a few weeks. Her mom starts telling a story about when NM takes her to a local jail to visit a nephew (long story). Her mom innocently starts bragging about how all the guards (males) take their breaks outside when they realize that mom and NM are about to leave because they all want to talk to NM, yada yada yada. All 4 of us are looking at her in disbelief that she would say insensitive things like this. A big long silence and you could see "holy shit" on everyones face. I could really tell NM was getting nervous. It's not what her mom said so much. It really didn't trigger me like it might have a couple of years ago. It's just another in a long line of things that show that NM's or my feelings don't count.
GT:
I am so sorry for all the waiting you had to do. I can completely see why you are hurt, that is a real reason to be hurt, no excuses there and I would think that is a HUGE deal to me, especially your mother. Sigh, I have had the nearly EXACT same things with my family. What gives with them anyway????? I spend lots of *unproductive) time wondering how I can be such a black sheep.
A few weeks ago my WHOLE family had a birthday party for my daughter who turned 40 and because it was a surprise (???Bullwacky) my SIL did not let me know because he said MY X H was supposed to call me. Have you ever heard such a bunch of crap in your life? Just like not having your number.....my goodness anyway. I cried over that one for a full day. After all, without me my daughter wouldn't even have a birthday, I wonder if they thought of that when they were blowing out the candles. I have had a zillion apologies (from my daughter, NOT her H). But the rest of my blood family never even called me when they realized I would not be there. That really stings. I have a good friend who is super-good hearted. She has a sister who is a money-hungry, selfish and egotistic person who her parents favor. When C talks about her sister, she says, "Well, the B from H called last night." We know it's naughty but we do laugh because I have a sister who is not so nice either.
H2:
Ouch, I say, I totally understand what you were feeling. We just have these triggers and damnit anyway, they can't all just disappear, nor can we always have control over EVERY emotion. That's for robots. Stuff hurts because we are sensitive. There is a really good book on "Sensitive People" that helped me understand that I am very fragile to things (it's why I can't watch TV news or read about disasters) and that there are others, like SO many on this board (you and GT included) who are very sensitive too.
Keep your open hearts, you are really good people and I appreciate your kindness and wisdom. I would ALWAYS keep my promise to call or support either of you, you can count on it.
H2C >>It's just another in a long line of things that show that NM's or my feelings don't count<<
.... also .... NM being attractive seems very important to NM's mother. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. Even so, NM has other terrific qualities too.
GT >>And yes I know, I need to let this go. I'm working on it but obviously I'm not there yet<<
That's exactly the kind of thing that I started to work on while I was trying to recover. When marriage rebuilding wasn't going so well, I decided to try to switch my focus to some other things, like my relationships with family members. IMHO, it was a big help. One of the happy side effects is that my relationship with my parents is better now than it has ever been.
GT, I think you are very wise to pay attention to this incident, even though it might seem like "just a phone call". It seems to be something that was very important to you, for whatever reason. Perhaps it was because it was a broken promise. You thought you could rely on your mother but she let you down. My guess is that it probably wouldn't have bothered you if that kind of thing happened only rarely.
<<And yes I know, I need to let this go<<
Are you sure? Perhaps your reaction to this incident is telling you something important ... something that needs to be dealt with.
Thanks for the support guys. I guess I really needed to get that off my chest this morning. And thanks for not saying....it was just a phone call, what are you getting all bent out of shape over?
Quinn
I've spent quite a bit of time talking with my Mother about our relationship and quite a bit of time talking with my counselor about it. Also numerous books on the subject. The fact is (which is hard for me to accept) neither of my parents were there for me emotionally when I was a child, and they weren't there for me as an adult. That hurts.
It took me a good long time (and a good many tears) to let that one sink in. See, I always felt that it must have been something I did. When I tried to talk about it people would just say....well it wasn't THAT bad. Or......they did the best they could. And they're right, compared to some it wasn't that bad. And they most likely did do the best they thought they could do. So I'd shut up and stuff it back down inside.
You can't imagine how good it felt when my last counselor looked at me and said...wow, that must really hurt when you think about it. I don't wish to make excuses for MY behavior based on what my parents did or didn't do. And most days it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. But when things happen like they did last night it still brings it to the surface somewhat.
I can deal with it much better than I used to. It used to bring me to tears or piss me off royally. I talked with my husband for a minute right after it happened and got my feelings out. Then I vented here this morning and went on with my day. For me it's progress to actually vent and get it out. There was a day I couldn't even do that without sending myself into a tailspin. It's still there and obviously it still bothers me. But by "letting it go" I meant that I need to learn to accept it as something that isn't going to change.
H2C
Sorry about the insensitivity with your MIL. Nice to have a place to vent though, huh?
Judy
One of these days I'm going to write a book about my family. I started a journal years ago but put it down at some point to move on to other things. Maybe one day I'll pick it up again.
H2C wrote "next" at the bottom of his post. Anyone else need to vent?
GT
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Nov 8, 2005 5:28 PM
GT - I didn't get a chance to read your entire post...but I saw that you also had childhood issues with your parents.
Have you read the book Toxic Parents? It is an incredible book (very emotional)! I would highly recommend reading it. (I don't know the author's name - but I can get it for you if you're interested.)
Thank you for mentioning "Toxic parents"... I went into my study to find it and post the name of its author.... and to my chagrin and my poor book keeping.... it is no longer on my shelves....hate it when this happen LOL... but it is a good book...
Toxic Parents was written by Dr. Susan Forward. You can get a glimpse of the book on Amazon.com.
The book was a huge eye-opener for me. In fact...it has done me a world of good. Although I am still hurt by the actions of my parents...I am able to step back from a situation and say "It is what it is" and let it be. Gone are the days where I would go toe to toe with them...I don't allow them to upset me anymore. Secretly...I still wince...but even that is better than it was.
I understand what your saying about making excuses for your mom. I did it for my ex and his antisocial behavior for years without realizing I was doing it. Back when we were together it was hard to remove myself from that and even notice it but it is pretty clear now.
Judy
"For instance, he keeps his office door CLOSED whenever I am at his house and even after two years I do not have a key to his house. I think deception is all tied up in his alcoholism, so who knows what goes along with that?"
That seems like a big red flag to me and I'm glad your listening to it. My BF and I exchanged keys after dating for several months and I trust him a great deal.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Nov 9, 2005 3:49 PM This message has been edited by charlie288 on Nov 9, 2005 3:25 PM
The WHOLE family had a birthday party for YOUR daughter and you weren't invited? Where on God's green earth was your daughter's brain? Why wasn't SHE asking where you were? If one of my kids pulled that, I'd whup their ass (well, verbally anyway). I hope you gave her a piece of your mind since she's obviously lost hers. <takes a deep breath and tries to calm down>
It sounds to me as though you SIL, who planned the party, is the toxic one here. Pardon my suspicion and cynical-ness, but is it possible that the ex excuse is a made up story so that they didn't have to include you?
Thanks, Misha. I think you hit it on the nose when you said the SIL is the problem. I agree. It probably stems from a time (before my daughter and he were married) when he had had quite a bit to drink and I spoke up in a quiet way, saying I was worried about my grandkids riding in a car with someone who had been drinking. I think he drinks quite a lot.
But, you know, they were all in it together because it was on a Sat and I didn't know anything about it until I got an email from my daughter the following Monday saying all the fun they had. It was crushing to me. Still brings tears to my eyes. But, I did not make a deal of it, just said I was deeply hurt.
Sometimes I wish I could divorce my family (except my grandbabies).LOL
Judy
Edit to add thanks Charlie!!
This message has been edited by newday52105 on Nov 9, 2005 4:39 PM
>>>I know someone is probably reading this and thinking......it's just a phone call. Well, it's more than the phone call. It's the realization (once again) that I fall to the bottom of her list. <<<
You’re right – it’s more than a phone call. I don’t live close to my parents and it used to be really hard for me. Several times over the years, my mom has said she’d come for a visit and I’d get excited and look forward to it, then she’d call and say she didn’t think she could make it after all. Then she’d say something like “but I’ll come if you need me to.” It really hurt me but I didn’t want to “impose” on her so I told her not to worry about it, that I was fine. Then, a couple of years ago, my son was arrested. My husband was in Europe and I had no way to contact him. I called my mother sobbing and hysterical. She helped me calm down and said she’d get a flight and be here the next day. The only thing that got me through that night was knowing she was coming. The next day she called me and said she hadn’t made reservations and wanted to know if I still wanted her to come. I had just spent the morning applying for a second mortgage to pay the lawyer who told me his services would cost $20,000 dollars; I was completely numb with shock over everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, I was terrified for my son and I couldn’t find my husband . . . and my mother wanted to know if she should come. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry. I think I did both. I totally lost it. I needed someone to say “I’m coming whether you want me to or not.” I told her to do whatever she wanted, that I’d be okay. Then I hung up. She came that night. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the next few days without her support but I was so hurt and angry that she put me in the position of telling her I wanted her to come. When I talked to my counselor about this I said she (Mom) was probably afraid I didn’t really want her here and she didn’t want to make things harder on me. He said “How could she think it would be harder for you if she came? Who else was there for you?” I said there was no one (my husband didn’t even know what was going on until after the arraignment) but I felt guilty that she had to come. He said “It’s okay to ask the people who love you to be there for you.” I know he was right, but I still struggle with that. So what’s my point? I don’t know. I think I had one when I started writing, but I forgot what it is. I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel and I was touched by your post.
DG
Thank you for your post. Sometimes we don't even have to have a point, it just helps to write it out.
Reading your post reminded me of something. A friend of mine had a baby not too long ago. It was a very difficult birth and she knew there would be problems going into it. Her husband was there, but she wanted her mother there too. She said it felt "safe" to have the two people who loved her most looking out for her well being.
I had to contrast that with the births of my children. I called my parents after my children were born. They lived in a different town but could have been there within 6 hours, but I didn't want them there. Sometimes I have to wonder if I do things like that to pay them back in some way, or if I do them to protect myself. Maybe a little of both?
A few years ago I brought up something from my teenage years that was pretty traumatic for me. We hadn't talked about it since it happened. I really thought I'd get an apology from my Mom when I told her how hurt I'd been by her actions regarding this particular incident. Instead I discovered that she had rewritten the history of that event to where her part in it was minimized. She didn't even remember it the way I did. It's hard to work around issues like that. At some point I decided that my healing was not dependent on her or anything she did or didn't do. That was a big turning point for me. Most days I can remember that, but I'm still working on it.
My parents have done a wonderful job at rewriting the history of my teenage (into my early 20's) years. Thankfully, my best friend was by my side of all of it...and she has a incredible memory .
For so many years, I was constantly blindsided by them and their ability to twist a situation around to deflect responsibility off of them...and on to me. I kept hoping that they would change. When I got married - I thought they would begin to respect me...didn't happen. When I had children - I thought they would begin to respect me...didn't happen. After d-day (when I needed them) - I thought they would hold my hand through my pain...didn't happen. It was just one disappointment after another. But I came to realize that I was disappointed, because my expectations were not being met - and there was no way that they were capable of meeting my expectations. My world after d-day was my wake-up call to LET THEM GO.
I still struggle. My brother's birthday is just before halloween (my brother is 21). He is in university away from home...so I sent him an e-card to wish him a happy birthday. The day after halloween, my sisters e-mailed me some pictures of their kids in their costumes. Lo and behold, my mother had invited the entire family over to celebrate my brother's birthday...and we were not invited. Not a phone call - nothing. Yet, I briefly spoke with my mother on halloween day and she mentioned nothing to me about it. This may not seem like a big deal...but it's just one more way for them to slap me in the face. A few months ago, I would have been irate...and they would have found some way to justify why they didn't invite my family over.
In today's world - my mantra is 'It is what it is'.
My goodness, several of us have posted similar stories about our families. Kara, that is so sad about not being invited. Same thing happened to me. Someone recommended the book Toxic Families and I have not read that but tomorrow I am going to pick it up. All I can say is that we all do DAMN good for the things we have had to overcome!!! I'm with you on the disengaging deal. It's never going to change in my family so I am not putting so much energy into it any more.
""For so many years, I was constantly blindsided by them and their ability to twist a situation around to deflect responsibility off of them...and on to me. I kept hoping that they would change. When I got married - I thought they would begin to respect me...didn't happen. When I had children - I thought they would begin to respect me...didn't happen. After d-day (when I needed them) - I thought they would hold my hand through my pain...didn't happen. It was just one disappointment after another. But I came to realize that I was disappointed, because my expectations were not being met - and there was no way that they were capable of meeting my expectations. My world after d-day was my wake-up call to LET THEM GO.""
I could have written this after dday. It describes my family to a T except that when something exciting or important happens to me suddenly my mom pops up from nowhere and starts spouting off about how proud she is of me and how "she" raised such a great daughter........excuse the expression but GAG ME WITH A SPOON!
Then a weird thing happened. My dad got horribly ill with cancer and I realized how precious a gift parents are. Lots of people don't have any or never have any relationship with them. I love my dad to pieces, but he has some issues just as much as my mom.
I have never heard I love you from either of them. Through my tears etc I never got a hug or a phone call just to check and make sure I was okay. Recently I was sitting chatting with my father who appears now to also have a new outlook on life. I was telling him of passing an exam and he turned to me with partial tears in his eyes and said "im really proud of you". Well I almost cried. Its what I wanted to hear for sooo many years. I got up and hugged him and said thanks dad I am proud of you too and I am glad we didn't lose you.
My mom I put up with because I realize she is the only one I have and the only one I will ever get.
This weekend will be a real struggle for me. My mom and I are off to Toronto where I will receive my accounting designation (CGA) at the official graduation ceremonies. I can hear it now - my mom gushing at how proud she is and how much she supported me through all my hard work. I will try very very hard to bite my tongue. By the end of the weekend I might require a trip to the hospital. If anybody is interested my name will be in the Toronto Globe and Mail on Thursday November 10th.
Kara I apologize....I would have made arrangements to meet with you for coffee but I thought it was rude to leave my mom alone. Just know that I will be in your fine city and thinking about you and hoping your doing well One of these days we will get together....I am still working on transferring to Ottawa. Maybe I am just scared you'll try to lunge me into shape hahahaha j/k
I think that is why I never told my parents about the affair. Because some how some way it would end up being my fault and I would be the failure. I didn't want to go down that road. I still don't regret not telling them. A lot of people are learning the truth now since even at work I am quite blunt about what happened should anybody ask. Maybe eventually they will find out, maybe not. At this point I realize the affair didn't ruin my marriage anyway, it was only the catalyst.
Congratulations on your graduation!! I will look for your name in the paper!
I hope my parents get a 'wake up call' and start to enjoy their life and their family. So much time is passing by...and they are missing so much. But at the end of the day, it is their choice. I just hope that if/when they choose to enjoy their lives again...it's not too late. The story about your father is a wonderful example of the kind of tenderness that only a parent can provide...and one that I would love to experience with my parents.
Anyway...take a deep breath on the trip with your mom. I'm sure it will be a trying weekend...but it is ultimately YOUR weekend. So, bask in the glory of successfully accomplishing your goal! You've earned it!!
I understand that it would have been difficult for us to meet up. I'm sure we will have other opportunities in the future! I promise...no lunging allowed!
Kara
P.S. I just wanted to add that I understand why you didn't tell your parents about the affair. I wish I had the foresight at the time to have kept it to myself. I think I told them in the hopes that THIS would be the THING that would get them to reach out to me. Of course...I was wrong. I have told many friends (I'm pretty upfront about the whole things as well)...and don't regret telling any of them. But I do regret telling my family. They threw out the typical (hurtful) comments that come from people who are ignorant about infidelity: 'What were you doing to make him so unhappy?' ... 'He should never have told you.' (my personal favourite)...'He is such a wonderful man, living with you must not have been easy.'...'It is your responsibility to make this better.'....and on and on and on. They added alot of salt to my wounds. Surprise...surprise...
This message has been edited by KJR2 on Nov 10, 2005 11:35 AM
Congratulations on your graduation, Kid. Way to go. That's something that nobody will ever be able to take away from you. I'm very proud of you too. Two thumbs up ... waaaaaaaaaay up.
Truth be told I still haven't figured out if this is what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe we have to grow up first MM hahahahaha
Thanks everybody! I love you all and this would not be possible without your support !!!!! Thank you so much for being with me every healing step along the way.
MM - oh the party we would have! I really took a liking to those lime margaritas so lets whip up a bucket and you can meet me in Toronto. We will paint the town RED!!!!!
Congratulations on earning your designation, Kid. It doesn't matter if that's what you want to do forever, what matters is that's part of your life journey that you've completed now.
It's kind of cliche, but you know that you wouldn't be the person you are now without EVERYTHING that's gone before it.
