Carol - We haven't celebrated our anniversary since d-day (2 anniversaries have passed). Luckily, our son's birthday is on our anniversary...so the day is all about him!
I can't celebrate it. I've asked my H to respect my wishes and not acknowledge the day - no gifts, no champagne, no card - nothing. It is true...broken vows kinda take the spark out of the celebration. And since your H hasn't made much of an attempt to celebrate with you since d-day...why bother? It sounds as though you were the only one who acknowledged the day anyway.
Carol, is it possible for you to treat yourself to a day of rest and relaxation...maybe with one (or more) of your closest friends? Maybe lunch and shopping...or a spa day...something fun that will take your mind off of things and allow you to recapture the day for you.
If geography wasn't an issue..I'd take you out and treat you to a day of eating, shopping and spa-ing !
I personally like the idea of the flowers to the pizzaria.. that sounds great. How would you sign the card? I am not sure if the two of you have decided to keep in the marriage or not...as I recall, your husband is allergic to vacations? Right? Plan a vacation...give him some airline tickets...passive aggressive behavior certainly can partake in this charade....that's what it is at some level, a charade....Something will come to you at the tme you need to act on it...maybe a "renewal" could be the focus....how does one celebrate renewal? I don't know the answer to that. There may be some ritual that will come to you for the occasion. Good Luck.
My last anniversary just came and went...not any comment or words spoken at all....I buried my marriage license under the tree that I bought to symbolize my "recovery". Along with the marriage license was a picture of our wedding, and our wedding bands...he doesn't even know I took his....he was sure vested, wasn't he? Anyway, I look at that tree and have noticed that it has not grown an inch. That tree was to symbolize my recovery...I haven't grown an inch either. Well, maybe. I now has "love handles" that I never had before...do you think it might be related to the 10 glasses of mudslide that I drink in one night? HUMMMM...I wonder.
I think you need to do whatever you are comfortable with. If you wanna celebrate...fine. If you don't...then don't.
Is your wedding anniversary something you plan or is your H an active participant in it? Its his anniversary too would he notice if you didn't celebrate it? Are you expecting him to do something special? Are you looking for a way out of celebrating it in case he disappoints you?
Carol, here's my take on it, which is the same way I grew to think about my own situation:
He broke the marriage by breaking his vows. Has he wanted to renew those vows? If not, do you have a marriage to celebrate? If not, plan the day to celebrate yourself.
You guys have given me some things to think about. I guess I am afraid of opening the can of worms and confronting yet another fear probably for both of us.
On d-day I told him that we needed to get to a point where we would need to renew the vows because he broke them. At the time he agreed. But he has made no move towards that direction and I am pretty sure he isn't planning anything special or is going to surprise me with anything, except the usual...flowers and a small gift if that. He is too much into himself to think of me and my needs or what I want. So there is no way I will be disappointed with whatever happens, since I have no expectations to begin with.
Flowers are a nice idea but the last time I sent him flowers he freaked out on me, literally! He said he was embarassed in front of "the guys" and requested, no demanded that I never send him flowers again. All of the customers were asking him about the flowers as well, and instead of being flattered he was actually angry. Not your normal reaction for most people but little did I know that they probably made him feel guilty because he was having the A at the time. I sent them to him for Father's Day 3 years ago.
What I really want to tell him is that I don't want to celebrate unless it means something to both of us. And right now I really don't think it means much to either of us because I don't feel like he has made much of an effort or commitment to repair what has been broken...our vows & marriage. But I am fraid that if I tell him that it will discourage him further. Since I do want my marriage to work out eventually, I do not want to discourage him. While I am on my own path to healing, the marriage is way behind my own and is still very fragile. I feel this is a delicate situation. Many times I have had to bite my tongue in order to keep the peace and balance. I am not a raving lunatic, except on this board, lol, and I hardly ever raise my voice to him. But this is something I feel strongly about and he doesnt. He wants to go on like nothing happened although I can tell he is distant and hurting, and pushing me away still. It's odd, but even during the A he always seemed happy to celebrate our anniversary. So I don't understand him or what he wants. And yes, I have asked him, only to be acknowledged with silence...
<<On d-day I told him that we needed to get to a point where we would need to renew the vows because he broke them.>> I understand that this is one thing you need in order to heal from the affair. But when you say "we," you're telling him what he needs..... Even if he did express the same need as you (renewing the vows) what good is that if he does not back it up with appropriate attitude and actions?
Carol, I think you're trying too hard. Perhaps he is acquiescing just to get you off his back? I only say this because I see can relate to a lot of what you write. My former H admitted (in a rare moment of truth) that he acquiesced a lot when I was trying so hard to heal our marriage -- after what he did. He went along with me just to shut me up.
<<I feel this is a delicate situation.>> I feel for you. If I were you, I'd make back-up plans for that day just in case he doesn't want to celebrate. Call a good friend and ask if she would be there for that evening in case you need support. Have childcare arranged for your children so that you don't even have to rely on him for any childcare if you want to leave for the evening. I understand your comment about no expectations, and these types of plans are exactly what I had to do when watching to see if my husband would take any initiative for anything in our marriage. By making alternate plans for that day, you won't even have to discuss with him any issues about plans or who's watching the kids when. This way you have severely limited any attempt on his part to play passive aggresive games -- if he wants to celebrate, fine -- you are available (if you want to be). And yet if he treats the day like any other, or has expected you to do all the "work" to make it special, you can be out of there in a matter of minutes if you so choose.
<<It's odd, but even during the A he always seemed happy to celebrate our anniversary.>> That's because you didn't know about the affair, right?
Actually, right now, I am not doing much myself to heal the marriage. I am not on his back at all...and he is doing nothing to shut me up because I am not saying anything to him or asking him for anything or to do anything. I am letting it be and trying to concentrate on myself. I have tried so hard for so long with the marriage, now it is my turn for me. But that doesnt mean I want to rock the boat and discourage him as I have said. Even last year on our anniversary, which was shortly after d-day, he seemed happy to celebrate it even though I knew about the A, until I broke the glasses and yelled at him about the A. It was just so painful last year and I dont want to go through it again. But like Kid said, we get trapped in dates and they cause triggers. And there is no way I am going to let this stop my personal healing from moving forward...but the marriage is another story. The marriage requires both of us to make it work.
On d-day...I think we all say a lot of "we" stuff because the focus is on "we", as a couple. It is instinctive. We want to feel like there still is a "we" and we know there needs to be a "we" to heal the marriage. Our mind needs time to sort and assess the sitaution. I cannot tell him what he needs as an individual but I can tell him what I need personally and what I feel we need to do as a couple. He can agree or not, and he can act or not act. That is up to him. Those are his choices.
Take Care,
Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Nov 9, 2005 3:11 PM
So if you both come to a point where you both know you want the marriage to work, perhaps you could create a new date to celebrate? Start a new course with a new date?
<<Perhaps he is acquiescing just to get you off his back?>> I just reread what I wrote and don't think it came across too well. I hope I didn't offend you -- I'm sorry if I did.
All I know is that I can relate to a lot you write. I wanted desparately for my marriage work and my H would do just enough to show a bit of effort but not give himself wholeheartedly to our marriage. In my case (the only one I'm real familiar with), he did it to get me off his back.
<< So if you both come to a point where you both know you want the marriage to work, perhaps you could create a new date to celebrate? Start a new course with a new date?>>
That would be ideal! Yes, that would be something to celebrate. And no, you did not offend me Jean
Why not do nothing, and say nothing, and see what HE does? That might tell you something useful, and give you the added benefit of not having to worry about what YOU do.
D-day for me was July 1. Our Anniversary was July 4th! Our son and daughter-in-law were already planning on coming over to celebrate with us and go to the fireworks. I don't know how I got through it, I just pasted a smile on my face and did it. We do what we have to do. And I didn't add any of my own fireworks to the mix either.
!