(Brought to OPEN forum from DISCOVERY forum)

I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR 8 YEARS NOW AND 7 MONTHS AGO HE FOUND OUT I WAS CHEATING.

{Here is brief history about our confusing situation} When I met him he was married (not happy) and we began to have a sexual relationship, then we fell in love with each other. 3 years into it we had a baby. He has assets so it's not like he could just up and divorce his wife. He has kids to support. So I was moving up the ladder financially. He is not sleeping with his wife anymore. He's been the faithful one in our relationship.

I have not slept with anyone until 2 months before he found out. I slept with 1 guy a couple times and stopped, then I was sleeping with another guy until I got caught. I have been honest with him from the start, I never told him I wasn't cheating, I told him where they lived, their phone #, I changed all the contacts I had with them and have not spoken to them since.

We are at a loss now in our relationship because he can't trust me and I don't blame him. He don't know if he will ever trust me again. He always says things will never be the way they used to be. I am tainted, I gave my love away to some nobodys who gave me nothing. My life and my childs life is screwed forever because of me. That is not what I wanted. I wanted to be with him forever, my life was on hold and still is on hold.

Every minute is a struggle to get through, he has his frequent bursts of anger and hurt(degrading-which is wearing on my mental state very hard), every day he asks me why did I do this? Why did I give up so much (financial secure future) for so little? I ask myself the same question and I come up with nothing. Anything I tell him is an excuse like I needed him emotionally, or I was not happy, or I couldn't communicate, I was bored, tired, lonely. It's all excuses to him and I'm just telling him what I was feeling. I know nothing will justify my actions. He needs to understand how can I be capable of doing something like this to him? Somebody please tell me because we both want to get past this and move forward with our lives. But he needs some understanding. I am doing everything I can to prove that he can trust me, I'm communicating more and just being plain honest.

I am in ruins right now with myself, I really regret what I did, that was not who I am. But now I am. I will never cheat on anybody ever in my life again and I have a long life to live. I feel remorse, hatred, ashamed, fake, regret, non worthy, and so on. With me Knowing this information, not him, What can I tell him to make him understand ??? Any Advice??

F*E*M*A*L*E

Howdy Seaorchid,

Welcome to the forum.

Ok...so your b/f who was and still married is upset you cheated on him. Is that correct?

<<<He has assets so it's not like he could just up and divorce his wife. He has kids to support>>>

WRONG. They, not just him, have assets. For starters she is entitled to her share. He should want her to have it and move on with her life. His explanation sounds damn selfish to me and very convenient. Neither of you have 100% of him and it appears he likes it that way.

<<<What can I tell him to make him understand ??? >>>

What's to understand? Aren't you sick and tired of his non-commitment? Don't you deserve more than that? Doesn't his wife?

I think you are asking the wrong question Seaorchid. Its not about making HIM understand. Its about YOU understanding why you are settling for so little. The only thing he appears to be committed to is himself and his assets.

I doubt this post is what you wanted to hear, but think about it ok?

Once again welcome to the forum.

Regards,

Tex

Hi! Sorry that you are hurting.It seems like you & boyfriend are trying to build a relationship on rocky ground in the first place. He was(is) married & it seems to me that's a hard way to have any kind of stable relationship.It takes years to get over an A& I just found out about my H's a few months ago & I'm not sure whether to stay or go. I will never look at my H or our marriage the same. Things will never be the same for you & your boyfriend either. Those are facts you both have to face.I wish you luck. I feel sorry for the wife too.

Hello and welcome,

I am sorry that you are hurting and maybe I am stating the obvious here, but you are sleeping with a married man. A man who obviously has commitment issues, regardless of whether he loves you and/or his wife. I think you are looking for a commitment from this man and you know deep down inside he is not leaving his wife and you are not going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. That is the fantasy of an affair, not reality! Sooner or later it all comes crashing down. A realtionship based on lies and betrayal was never on solid ground to begin with...no matter who was doing the cheating.

These are probably not the type of responses you were looking for, but how can there be trust between the two of you when you are both cheaters? You need to break it off with this man...he is married and not leaving his wife and kids. How can there be a future there? The only thing I can suggest is that you both need to go to individual counseling and figure out the root issues you both face. That is the only way you can get on with your life.

Carol~

PS You alone did not scew up your child's life, you both did. He should not have been cheating on his wife and you should not have slept with a married man, whether he was happy or not makes no difference. It was wrong. You are worth more than that!

Seaorchid

I am in agreement with those who have posted. I'm just hoping you don't run off from this site when you hear things you don't really want to hear. I think regardless of whether or not we are the one betrayed or the one who did the betraying, we have all heard things from this group of straight shooters here, me included, that we didn't like. Also those of us who have been here a very long time know how painful it is for BOTH sides of the affair healing process, not just the betrayed side.

I also have a lot of sympathy for his wife (W) but at the same time feel bad for you because you probably never realized how painful it would be to mess up so badly and want with all your heart to change it after the fact - unfortunately you can't change it but you can make things better.

What I would worry about if I were you is the fact that if he cheated with you, he is likely to cheat on you too. I know you were the first one to have the A, but it also may be easier for him to do it especially now that you have. He likely thinks, why not? Most of the betrayed people I've spoken to want revenge A's. I'm not saying it is right but it is a natural feeling.

Have you looked inside yourself to figure out what you were looking for when you went outside your relationship? Has he done this? I know it is hard to believe that you were just what he needed in a relationship and his wife was not, but often times, excitement, attention, anger toward spouse, and living in a fantasy world are some reasons that people cheat. They want the attention that they think their spouse wasn't giving them, and sometimes it is really the other way around, they weren't GIVING enough. Also what you've heard about his W is likely filled with lies. Most betrayers lie to the (OP) other person about their spouse when they are cheating - if you are on here long enough, you realize that they will put their own spouses down in order to get you to feel sorry for them. It could also have helped you to become attached to him in the first place - maybe not, but it is common. What I'm saying is, don't believe everything you've heard about he and his W. If he told you that they don't sleep together anymore, don't fall for it, and forgive me if he isn't living with her anymore, I'm assuming he is, since you stated that they don't sleep together anymore. It is likely not just assets that could be keeping him, it could be having his cake and eating it too. Assets can be divided so please don't believe that is the only reason he isn't leaving if he hasn't already.

I feel for you and all the parties involved in this, you have certainly gotten yourselves in an awful situation. There may be fears for you to be alone since you have a child to take care of and that is probably scary. It certainly was scary for me to be alone at first because with two children I didn't know how I would support us. When my ex and I divorced over his cheating and continued lies I was okay.

Are you sure this is what you want in life? Do you want someone who continues to have an A on his W? I know that you made the same mistake as him so really he certainly shouldn't be judging you and the thing that makes his worse is that he did it to his spouse and he had made a major committment (marriage) to her, but it is equally as painful for people who are dating.

There is the possibility of starting over in a new relationship where the slate is clean and no one is cheating on each other. In your heart, do you believe this relationship will work in the LONG RUN?

I'm sorry if I've taken some of what you've said out of context, I only see words on a screen and perhaps haven't understood some of it. You sound like you are very young and very confused and sometimes a good (C) counselor can be a great help. Would you consider that? I thought I was the type that would never need a C when I went through my H's (husbands) A's and lying, but it helped me tremendously for a few months.

I just wanted to tell you that I understand your pain and I'm glad you've found us and also that you will start feeling better about all of this gradually. Don't expect a quick fix because I've never heard anyone on this site have one.

Hang in there with us and we'll try our best to help. If someone says something that offends you, please ignore it and realize that many of us are here to try to help you

Charlie

Welcome, F*E*M*A*L*E. I'm sorry that you have had to find us.

I don't have anything to offer over what the others have said. But I do have a question or 2?

Does his wife know about you and your child?

How do you know that he doesn't sleep with his wife, because he told you or because they don't live together?

Does he have an "open" marriage understanding with his wife? If so, how do you know for sure? Is his wife having an affair as well?

Wish you well, H2C

I've been thinking about your post and the other responses all day and thought of one more question.

Do you feel like you have options in your life or are your only options the ones that "he" provides for you? The meaning behind this question is do you think he controls all aspects of your life and your childs life. It would appear that he controls all from what you have said in your post.

I hope you return.

H2C

Welcome sea orchid

>>What can I tell him to make him understand ??? .... Why did I give up so much (financial secure future) for so little? <<

I understand your problem. It's a tough one. I'm pretty sure there are no magic words that will make him understand, at least not right away.

>>He needs to understand how can I be capable of doing something like this to him?<<

I bet. I would. The need to understand is very, very powerful.

>>Any Advice??<<

I agree with Tex - my advice would be to begin to try to understand it all yourself - and I'm talking about digging deep, probably with the help of someone like a therapist. I would guess that when you were a child, you never dreamed of having an affair with a married man, moving in with him before his divorce, and then sleeping with other men until you were caught. I would want to understand something like that in the hope that I could avoid something similar in the future. On a more practical level, you need to understand it yourself before you will ever be able to explain it to your boyfriend.

>>He always says things will never be the way they used to be<<

I agree with him (and Barbarapat) about that. Y'alls relationship has been completely changed forever.

{I ORIGINALLY WROTE- I'M A FEMALE & CHEATED, NEED ANSWERS}

ME & BOYFRIEND ARE BEST FRIENDS AND HE TALKS TO ME ABOUT EVERYTHING, HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING. I KNOW HE IS LEAVING HIS WIFE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER, SHE WANTS TO LEAVE HIM JUST AS BAD. A FEW YEARS AGO I BROKE DOWN ON HIM (REALLY UPSET) AND TOLD HIM IF HE WAS STILL HAVING SX WITH WIFE THEN I'M NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY. (HE KNOWS I COULD GO TO THE WIFE ANYTIME AND FIND OUT FOR MYSELF) I TRUST HIM AND BELIEVE HIM, WE JUST HAVE THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP. SO I KNOW THEY ARE NOT STILL HAVING SX. YES THE WIFE DOES HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

IF HE WAS TO JUST SPLIT THE ASSETS WITH WIFE FIRST OF ALL JUDGE WILL PROBABLY AWARD HER ALL OF HIS ASSETS SINCE HE COMMITED ADULTRY AND HAS A BABY OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE. AND SECOND, WIFE IS NOT THAT SMART, SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING HER SHARE, SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE TOOLS, DESIRE, OR RESOURCES. HE AND WIFE HAD A PLAN WHERE SHE WOULD GET A SHARE OF THEIR MARITAL ASSETS BUT SHE RUINED THAT. SOMETHING THEY COULD BOTH LIVE WITH. ANYWAY.

HE IS NOT MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME, HE HAS REALLY HELPED ME SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER. I HAVE DISECTED MYSELF FOR THE PAST 9 MONTHS WHY I WOULD GO OUTSIDE MY RELATIONSHIP, INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN AND I JUST DON'T KNOW. I KNOW I HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE I CAN TELL HIM BUT I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT FOR MYSELF. I CAN'T DWELL ON IT LONG EITHER OR I WILL BREAK DOWN AND HAVE A ANXIETY ATTACK AND I CAN'T GO THERE TOO OFTEN. I DO NOT WANT TO START OVER WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, I DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME, I'D RATHER BE BY MYSELF THAN START DATING AGAIN. HE HAS EVALUATED HIMSELF AS WELL AND REALIZES THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. HE HAS LEARNED A LOT FROM THE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE AND I HAVE TOO. WE JUST WANT TO MOVE ON (EMOTIONALLY) TOGETHER, WE ARE STILL INTIMATE (EVEN THOUGH IT'S HARD FOR HIM).

YES I DO THINK IT WILL WORK IN THE LONG RUN, I HAVE FAITH. IS THERE ONLINE OR FREE COUNSELING AVAILABLE? YES WIFE KNOWS ABOUT ME AND CHILD. I HOPE I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTIONS AND CONTINUE TO RESPOND & GIVE ADVICE. THANKS

F*E*M*A*L*E

Howdy Female,

I am glad to see you responded. I am gonna to use some of your quotes and ask some questions ok?

<<<I KNOW HE IS LEAVING HIS WIFE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER, SHE WANTS TO LEAVE HIM JUST AS BAD>>>

You have been with him for 8 years. Does he have an actual end date in sight?

<<<YES THE WIFE DOES HAVE A BOYFRIEND. >>>

How did you discover this piece of info?

<<<IF HE WAS TO JUST SPLIT THE ASSETS WITH WIFE FIRST OF ALL JUDGE WILL PROBABLY AWARD HER ALL OF HIS ASSETS SINCE HE COMMITED ADULTRY AND HAS A BABY OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE.>>>

Have either of you actually spoken to a lawyer and verified this? If you haven't I would do it asap. Most lawyers offer a free consultation.

<<<AND SECOND, WIFE IS NOT THAT SMART, SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING HER SHARE, SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE TOOLS, DESIRE, OR RESOURCES. HE AND WIFE HAD A PLAN WHERE SHE WOULD GET A SHARE OF THEIR MARITAL ASSETS BUT SHE RUINED THAT>>>

FEMALE: don't underestimate the wife. I am sure she or someone in her close circle of friends will know when she should obtain her own attorney and look out for herself and her children. However this ends her children are going to be the ones to suffer the most.

<<<HE IS NOT MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME, HE HAS REALLY HELPED ME SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER>>>

Exactly how has he helped you? What has he done besides keep you dependent on him? What are your own personal goals career wise?

<<<HE HAS EVALUATED HIMSELF AS WELL AND REALIZES THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. >>>

Ummmm...female...he still is. If he loves you so much why is the money and assets so important to him? He has cheated on his wife and now wants her NOT to have the assets she has earned? What kinda BS is that?

This is from your first post:
<<<Why did I give up so much (financial secure future) for so little? I ask myself the same question and I come up with nothing. Anything I tell him is an excuse like I needed him emotionally, or I was not happy, or I couldn't communicate, I was bored, tired, lonely. It's all excuses to him and I'm just telling him what I was feeling>>>

Well why did you give it all up? What if he decides in the future he wants to leave then where are you going to be?

I think if you look deep inside you already know why you cheated. Because excuses and promises and a non commitment from him are not good enough for you.

You need to look into individual counseling(check your local phone book) and sort out your priorities. I honestly believe you are seeking answers Female but the truth of the matter is until he steps up and does the right thing by his wife and children(divorces her...or whatever) you are not in a relationship with him. You are in an affair...period. I'll ask you again...don't you deserve better than that?

I wish you strength.

Regards,

Tex

Female....There is so much of your story that almost parallels a situation that one of my close girlfriend's is/had been dealing with for a couple of years now.

My friend (C) got involved with a married man (J).  It began as a business relationship (where she was tied to him financially) then it evolved into a romantic relationship.  As their romantic relationship grew....so did her financial dependence in him (they started a franchise business and then bought a business where she mortgaged her house to the max as a downpayment).

While this was happening, we would hear stories from C about J's wife.  We heard that J's wife had her own boyfriend, that she was a b*tch, that she was telling their daughter that her daddy didn't love her anymore, that she pilfered huge sums of money from a business that they had co-owned together, that she called the police and arrested J.....and on and on and on.  None of this was true.  We became suspicious of the stories (since they often were quite dramatic) and realized that little of what J told C was actually true.

The problem is that C is so tied to J....she doesn't want to hear what we have to tell her.  She believes him (or wants to believe him) so badly that nothing we could possibly tell her will make a difference.  The fact remains though that J told a string of lies to C...to keep her from dumping him.

I'm not saying that everything/anything that your boyfriend has told you is a lie...but I wanted you to know that it is not uncommon (in fact it's quite common) for a person involved in an affair to tell both their spouse and their affair partner what they 'need to hear' to keep both hanging on.

I think what Tex said is right on the mark <<I think if you look deep inside you already know why you cheated. Because excuses and promises and a non commitment from him are not good enough for you.>>

I would imagine that your boyfriend is making you feel very guilty about what you did...and I'm sure he is hurt over your affair.  But one thing that you might want to keep in the back of your mind is this....even if his marriage is 'in name only', he is still married and perhaps he should shoulder as much guilt for keeping you on the sidelines as you should for straying from your relationship.

All the best to you Female...I hope you find peace.

Kara

Great post, Kara. I was thinking like that too but didn't have a basis of a good story to tell.

<<<I would imagine that your boyfriend is making you feel very guilty about what you did...and I'm sure he is hurt over your affair. But one thing that you might want to keep in the back of your mind is this....even if his marriage is 'in name only', he is still married and perhaps he should shoulder as much guilt for keeping you on the sidelines as you should for straying from your relationship.>>>

Kara...wow...

Female...I know it seems we are focusing on why you allowed yourself to become involved with a married man instead of why you cheated on him. What I am trying to get you to see is perhaps that mechanism...that thought process... is one and the same.

You gave yourself permission for some reason. Why? Why follow a path of destructive and painful behavior? That is why I suggested individual counselling for you because even if you don't see it yet it appears you set yourself up for coming in 2nd place. You deserve better.

Do some deep soul searching . You can't be honest with him or anyone else until you are honest with yourself first.

It almost appears like you wanted him to catch you. Why? To perhaps make him finally commit?

Maybe its me but your posts read as if you really are not happy in this arrangement. If that's true are you afraid to tell him? Are you afraid he will leave? Female...he's not even all the way there with you...and hasn't been for 8 long yrs. He can spew words like a volcano all he wants but you need to pay attention to the his actions, not what he says.

Think of it this way...its not about you and him right now....its about YOU(he needs to work on himself). Find your true self. You might find you will surprise yourself in how strong you really are. Raise your expectations...don't settle for anything less.

Regards,

Tex

Your boyfriend has helped you since you've been together? Hmmm, he's married & is commiting adultry with you.I don't know what state you live in but most states are"no fault" & it wouldn't matter why the divorce was taking place. Anyway, a lawyer could fight for his rights, so I don't buy the story about him not divorcing her because of financial worries. That's a crutch that you are allowing him to use & one that you want to believe too.Not trying to be mean, just being blunt.Of course I don't know you or boyfriend but I don't see how a relationship like this can survive because there is no solid foundation.You are the other woman that he hasn't bothered to commit to. I hope you can search your soul & find the strenght to stand up for yourself.We all deserve the best.

"HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING."

My X husband told his affair partner 'everything' too. It's just that I overheard a few of their conversations and know that 'everything' wasn't all correct.

"THEY CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER"

It's probably pretty tough to be in that marriage with adultery taking place.

"SHE WANTS TO LEAVE HIM JUST AS BAD."

You have spoken to her?

"I TRUST HIM AND BELIEVE HIM"

To me this seems very odd under the circumstances, and after what he has exposed of himself.

"YES THE WIFE DOES HAVE A BOYFRIEND."

You asked her or know this for a fact?

"WIFE IS NOT THAT SMART, SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING HER SHARE, SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE TOOLS, DESIRE, OR RESOURCES"

You have figured out a lot of personal information about the wife?

"I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT FOR MYSELF."

I bet it's a very tough situation.

"I CAN'T DWELL ON IT LONG EITHER OR I WILL BREAK DOWN AND HAVE A ANXIETY ATTACK"

There might be some key information for you to figure out right there in that line. Maybe the best thing would be to spend some serious time dwelling until you can move beyond impending anxiety attacks. They are a very loud and clear sign that something is terribly wrong.

What happened after the wife found out about you and the child?

RW, your post hit so many nails on the head.

Female, of course he's saying that he's unhappy. Would you have let yourself fall for him if he said, "I'm reasonably happy but I'm feeling selfish and want to start a relationship outside of my marriage"? I doubt it.

Regarding the assets - I don't think she is entitled to EVERYTHING, regardless of you and your child. She might be entitled to half...

When I started seeing a counselor after my separation, she said, "Monica, people who want to get divorced, get divorced. Consequences be damned."

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

In some states aren't you entitled to 100% of everything if you can prove infidelity? Maybe this is what female is referring to. I thought I had heard somebody say that at one point in time. Can't remember where though.

Great posts everyone.

Yep, Monica, your right, the W will NOT get more than half regardless of adultery, unless there are extraordinary circumstances like disability or something else.

I spoke in depth on this subject to my lawyer because I live in a state where you can divorce over adultery too and I had a ton of evidence against my H. He told me these things:

First it is extremely rare for someone to be able to completely prove that a spouse committed adultery.

Now the wife certainly may be able to because of Female's child but how will the courts be able to prove that? I'll bet there are some legal issues involved in getting a court ordered paternity test and highly doubt that would happen, but you never know. The BIGGEST issue here is that since his W is dating someone, in reality, she is also committing adultery if they aren't legally separated or divorced, so that negates any claim she could have against her H. She can't do the same thing he has done and then claim adultery - it won't work in court at all. Check this out, this is from a site I researched about adultery, you can find it in the second URL of a website at the bottom of my e-mail:


"Plaintiff's Adultery

One of the few instances in life where two wrongs make a right (or in this instance eliminate "rights"), DRL s174(4) provides that the plaintiff is not entitled to a divorce even though the adultery of the defendant is established "where the plaintiff has also been guilty of adultery under such circumstances that the defendant would have been entitled, if innocent, to a divorce.""


My lawyer said the only real reason that someone would want to prove adultery where it would be beneficial is

1) to make the other spouse look bad (but who really cares there - look bad to who? someone in court?),

2) if a spouse will need to rely on spousal support, sometimes a judge will NOT award the spouse needing the support alimony if THEY'VE cheated (the caveat to that is if there is a reason the spouse cannot support themselves regardless of the adultery, they can still get it.) In other words, there are exceptions. If he doesn't need any alimony then it won't even matter to him if she does say it is adultery.

3) sometimes the spouse who committed the adultery can get more assets, but according to my lawyer, still it is extremely rare that anyone would get more than 50%, and also the wife would be entitled to 50% regardless of whether or not he committed adultery.

Honestly, as another poster said, it seems as if he is giving excuses for not divorcing and because you love him so much, you may want to believe his excuses. I'm not saying that he hasn't cut off the physical relationship with his W, it sounds like he has, but the assets are not a good reason, if they were, what is he going to do? Stay married forever to protect his assets? There has to be an end sometime and you've been dating for a very long time.

I know your state differs a bit but I don't think it will differ that darned much. Nearly all states are leaning toward becoming no-fault even if they are currently adultery states. My lawyer said it was pretty much a waste of my time even with my evidence.

Some info on the grounds for divorce:

http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/Pages/grounds.html

http://www.brandeslaw.com/grounds_for_divorce/adultery.htm


I may be able to find more info for you if I know what state your in.

Charlie

F....it just seems to me that you are fighting a losing battle...I know that isn't what you want to hear. Both ou and your BF are not trustworthy people...you have both violated a commitment...he with you to his wife and you to him with your A. I can't imagine this relationship ever getting to the point of being a mature partnership between two people...unless you don't want that, which may be the case. If this man has other children, he has an obligation to pay child support until they are 18. If his W works outside the home, then she can support herself to some extent. Sometimes judges will award alimony to the spouse if there has been no employment, at least for rehabilitative purposes...she goes back to school to be able to be gainfully employed. It sounds to me like the initial falling in love stage for the two of you is over...it urually ends within 3 years...now you are both facing reality and if the commitment wasn't there...it wasn't in his first marrriage, what makes you think it will be with you? The people who are losing in this situation are the children that were brought into the world...this is what is so upsetting to me about A and children born to those...these kids get screwed..they don't have access to TWO loving, supportive people who can serve as a guide for them through life. You are in such a state of distraught, I am wondering how you are able to meet the needs of your own child. Let this man get on with his life and you get on with yours. The two of you have done enough damage to one another. You talk about sharing everything...how it is that the A happened and he didn't know about it. There is no trust between the two of you....my guess is that each of you will continue to seek something outside of your own relaitonship....reverge, approval, something. I hope you are not offended by my words...I am sure that you are. It just seems to me that you are fighting a losing battle. If this man REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, he WOULD BE....even before the A..he can just conveniently use that as an excuse to stay with his W....the money and asset stuff is simply an excuse...people get divorced everyday and the money is just a slight irritation, it's not something that prevents divorce. Look to your child..have a great life, be a wonderfully supportive mother. Get some child support from that man too...

I just re-read my post and I think I came across a bit harsh.

What I want to tell you is that you deserve someone who doesn't go home to his wife - even if it is "in name only". Being the one legally married to him affords her certain priveleges - even if they dislike eachother, I have a hunch it's not just $$ that keeps them together. All the assets in the world don't make you feel good about yourself for sleeping with one woman and then being married to another... nothing is worth that. It's just STUFF, right (assuming they're not bazillionaires)?

I bet that you have married friends or committed friends that don't look at you in the same light. I, too, have a friend who is miserably unhappy in her marriage and is currently involved w/a man she met online. She's not being fair to either of the men in her life and her child will suffer if she's ever found out. I want to smack her! She has a good life, yes, but she can be single and be happy again, someday. It's not unheard of! Things can be acquired again... and a new relationship won't be built on lies and sneaking around.

He is not 100% committed to you and you ARE 100% to him. Why? Probably, your relationship is comfortable. Well, he's got it pretty darn good having two women. He is having his cake and eating it too. He can't trust you? THAT is rich. He's the married one! You're the one allowing him to give himself only partly to you.

You can't possibly know what goes on in their house. You know what he tells you but I would wager it's not completely accurate. Give the wife some credit, too, she's as much a victim as you are. Your life is on hold, you said. Yes, it is... and it will BE on hold until you make him make a choice. And, even then, will you fully trust that he's not doing the same thing to you and telling the next one that he's with you out of obligation?

I bet there is someone out there for you that will devote himself to you and you only. You'll never find it if you're stuck in limbo with your boyfriend. He keeps you around by throwing crumbs your way, just enough to make you NOT hunt for yourself. You deserve more, we all do - especially your child.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Seaorchid...I re-read your post a couple of times and I wanted to add something.  You said, <<I am in ruins right now with myself, I really regret what I did, that was not who I am. But now I am. I will never cheat on anybody ever in my life again and I have a long life to live. I feel remorse, hatred, ashamed, fake, regret, non worthy, and so on. With me Knowing this information, not him, What can I tell him to make him understand ??? Any Advice??>>

You are being very hard on yourself.  You are hurt and you are confused.  But you are in a complicated situation and you should not berate yourself for what has happened.  Please don't allow your boyfriend to berate you either.

You wanted to know what you could tell him to make him understand.  Well...I don't know how to answer that.  What I will say to you is this...he may not ever want to understand why you had your own affair.  For him to fully understand why you did it....would require him to fully understand why he decided to go outside of his marriage...and he might not be prepared to deal with that right now.

My only suggestion to you is for you to really sit down and (as rationally as possible) re-evaluate your situation with him.  What do you want out of that relationship and are your needs being met?  Focus on you.  In the meantime...as I said before...don't let him make you feel worthless.  Apologize for your indiscretion and let him know that you have no intentions of cheating on him again.  This is your opportunity to step back a bit and really look at what you want for your future. 

>>When I started seeing a counselor after my separation, she said, "Monica, people who want to get divorced, get divorced. Consequences be damned."<<

I agree with your counselor, Monica. That was definitely my experience with divorce.

Kara - I like your posts. 

My MC said the samething. If H wanted out of the marriage he would have left.

Carol~

FEAMALE

If I am reading everything correctly, your BF still lives with his wife? But his wife now has a BF and knows about you and your baby, right? So why DO they live together if there is no marriage and no keeping up appearances? If it is ALL out in the open why isnt he living with you and why isnt he divorced? The assets thing just doesnt jive.

Like I said in my first post, you are looking for a commitment from him, a life long commitment and that cant happen if he is still married and living with HIS WIFE and KIDS. Deep down inside you know this and you are trying to make him commit by cheating on him and making him jealous. In other words HE is not meeting your needs whether you want to admit it or not. All you are doing is hurting yourself. You and your child deserve better than that. If you really dont think that is the issue then you should really go see a counselor to get the help you need. I know you are hurting but only you can get yourself out of this black hole (with the help of a counselor).

Take Care,
Carol~

Hi Female. Just wanted to let you know that we all wish the best for you. If we didn't care about you & your child we would not have bothered to give you different ways of looking at things. These posts may seem harsh but I can tell you from experience that we are all basically good, kind people & would not hurt you on purpose. Sometimes being blunt comes across as being mean & I hope you don't take it that way. Sometimes it takes being blunt to make someone "wake up". I learned something in my first marriage: No one can get away with treating me bad unless I let them.I realized that after many months of crying after my first H left me 8 months pregnant & took MY car & all MY money. I realized that I allowed him to treat me like crap the 1 1/2 yrs. we were together. Female, stand up for yourself & demand the best for you & your child. It will lead to a much better life & you will feel so much better about yourself. We are here for you. Please visit us when you need to talk. Take care.

I can only speak from my experience. While there are similiarities, each person's situation is different.

"When I met him he was married (not happy) and we began to have a sexual relationship., then we fell in love with each other. 3 years into it we had a baby. He has assets so it's not like he could just up and divorce his wife. He has kids to support. So I was moving up the ladder financially. He is not sleeping with his wife anymore. He's been the faithful one in our relationship."

Are you saying you had sexual relations, and then fell in love? Why did you sleep with him if you knew he was married? Did the two of you plan to have a child?

After 19 years of marriage, I discovered my H has 2 children with an OW, ages 15 & 9. He has a 21 year old daughter (he was 18 and she was 17, still in high school, 3 months after she was born they married, but it only lasted for 16 months) and we have a 14 year old daughter.

Have either of you thought about the hurt you are causing the children. How do you think they will feel when they find out? What will you tell your child? When your child gets older, will you tell your own child to lie about who his father is because he has a wife and the both of you do not want her to know (this is what the OW told the older child, when she came home from school in 5th grade upset because children at school had made fun of her and had told her my H was not her father, if he was her father why didn't they have the same last name etc..)

I have only talked to the OW three times and it is very apparent that my H has lied to her and the OC. In our 19 years of marriage, we have never seperated, I was working full time and going to school full-time when the affair started and the first child was born. The OW is under the impression that I have slept around, that our child is not my husband, that we have seperated several times, that all I have is a piece of paper because there has been no relationship or no sex in our marriage and that I would financially destroy my H if I ever found out.

The truth is we discussed and planned to have our child. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. We have never seperated. In fact the longest we have ever been apart has been 1 week whenever I have had to go out of town to meetings due to my job. At times I have been exhausting and have not provided sexual fulfillment for my H. However, since obtaining my degree (the month the 1st OC was born), we have had sex often.

Your situation may be completely different but if your BF isn't lying to you why hasn't his W been told the truth. I didn't catch the ages of any of the children, but why don't the children know they have another sibling? Do you think it will be easier on them if they find out when they are adults? Trust me it will not be easy on them at any time. My 14 year old daughter struggles with why did her father lie?

If the birth of the 1st OC had been revealed years ago, we would have either divorced or worked things out. Either way life would have been easier on the OC. The longer the lie is maintained the deeper the hurt you both are causing to all the children, including yours.

You said you were moving up the ladder financially. Is that because you were promoted at your job or are you referring to your BF's assets. Which someone else mentioned, they are not "his" assets, they are marital property they belong to your BF and his wife, to be inherited by their children. In some states, any support he has provided to you or your child without the W's knowledge, she will be entitled to 1/2 of at the time of the divorce. Because every dime you have received has been 1/2 hers and he has been given it away without her knowledge. I don't know the circumstances, but this is the law in my state and it doesn't matter if the wife ever worked outside the home or not.

He has not been the faithful one in your relationship. Each day he has been in a relationship with you, he has been unfaithful to his W.

I meet my H before he was divorced from his first W. While there was no sex until after he was physically seperated from his wife, he was still unfaithful to her. I do not know why I thought he would be faithful to me. I guess because of my age, 17, and the circumstances of my step-daughters birth I thought he would never do it again. I thought our relationship was different. I guess I can say it was different than his relationship with his first wife. However, my H is the same person, and if he would cheat on one, he will cheat on another, until he resolved the issues why he cheated in the first place.

I did not intend to place such a long post. I would like to know why you have accepted your BF remaining married to his wife? I know you have stated financial reasons, but I still cannot understand that. Maybe you can provide me with some insight as to the logic of the OW in my situation.

You need to look out for the interest of your child and yourself and not the interest of your BF. I encourage you to go to a counselor who can help you sort this out and make some critical decisions you will need to make.

I wanted to say I am very impressed and pleased with the responses on this thread. All of you.

Let's give FEMALE a chance to digest everything and see if she comes back.

Kudos everyone.

Tex

I haven't posted on this thread, but have read it from day one. The reason I didn't post was that everyone said the same thing I was going to say, and I didn't want to create the appearance of piling on too much.

I'm posting now because I wanted to echo Tex in his compliments to everyone that posted on this thread. Very well thought out, very supporting, AND very direct without slamming anyone.

This is one of those threads that, even though there's a tremendous amount of pain here, is a joy to read.

Thanks all,
Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.