I know this has been addressed before. As I have mentioned my H is now on medicine which is really helping him. It has been about 3 months since he started. For the last month it has been affecting him. I wouldn't mind so much if not for the A. I'm one of those that felt the need to "reclaim my territory." I have been patient. I put myself in his place, and I certainly don't want to hurt his ego. There have been times though when I felt that he could have put forth an effort. It's like if he didn't feel it, that was it, and he wouldn't even try. I guess it bugs me because before the medicine he was always ready. I think about what went on this summer. Believe it or not, when I was confronted by OW she told me that she could count on one hand the number of times they did the deed. He of course was very happy to confirm that, that is, if it's really true. Anyway, it doesn't matter, it happened and it bothers me. I guess I'm asking for help on dealing with this. I don't want to have to always initiate because he has to have more help. I'm the one in need of attention here! I guess I need to talk to him about it. Thanks.
<<<I'm the one in need of attention here! I guess I need to talk to him about it.>>>
You definately need to talk to him about it. Explain to him how the lack of intimacy makes you feel.
He needs to talk to you too. He might not even realize it to the extent that you do.
If it turns out you can't work this out among yourselves then discuss it with the doctor. It could be something as simple as changing his meds or altering the dosage.
Not sure what medication you are referring to.......but can tell you if it's anti depressants they do affect your sex drive, the ability to get it up, etc.
He is on 20mg. of Lexapro and 25mg. of Desipramine. We knew this could happen, it is just a bad time for me. The thing is, he is otherwise better than ever with this dosage and combination. That's why I want to be patient. He really is doing everything else the right way. After we were confronted with the OW he bought a new front door, and all new locks for the house. (she had left a threatening message on his phone.) He is also remodeling the house, which is long overdue. We have reorganized our household so that we are working more as a team, and he even got my cell phone bill caught up and turned back on. (I had to let it go when we were seperated.) I'm hoping all of this is "action" that I read you all talk about. Thanks so much for everything!
If you want his libido up talk to him and have the doc look for different meds. They don't all work equally on anyone one person. However, if things are going good just remember that they may not be going so good after a med change. You may get what you're specifically asking for here, maybe even more than you want, but you may get lots of other things you didn't want. I would talk to him and explain but it's not going to be easy if he can't get it up. If it's a drug reaction then the side affects may actually lessen in time. In the last five years or so I've watched people bounce around like an old pinball machine trying to get everything "perfect". Just be sure of how important this is to you before you make him jump through all the drug/sideaffect hoops.
If you feel your husbands situation is caused, or at least exagerated, by his medication, talk to him about it. Tell him you love him and that you miss the closeness between the two of you. Maybe you could suggest you both visit his doctor together, and discuss the options?
Years ago, my wife experienced radical changes in her sex drive when she was on the birth control pill. Sure, she couldn't get pregnant, but she wasn't interested in sex either... So there wasn't much point to it. Even when she quit taking the pill, it took nearly a year before things returned to normal. Hardest of all, she couldn't see the changes. Life appeared normal to her. So, it was difficult to explain to her that something was missing.
To make matters worse, sex drives can be affected by numerous factors, stress, time, age, etc. At the time of my wife's "mistake", I was going through a down period of my own. We weren't getting along outside the bedroom, so I wasn't real motivated to go play IN the bedroom. I didn't feel like she was happy with me, and this didn't make me feel very sexy. So naturally, when I found out her mistake occurred at a time my sex drive was near zero, this was a huge blow to my ego and masculinity. Six years later, I still get a bit nervous when my sex drive declines. There's always a little fear in the back of my mind that she'll go find it elsewhere...
In any case, with or without med changes, I'd start with some basic stuff first.
Make him feel special! Tell him how much you admire him. Be specific. Let him know he's the only man in the world for you. It's hard to be sexy if you feel fat, old, unattractive, or unwanted. Treat him like a lover, not a financial provider, handyman, or whatever... Love the man, but worship his body...
PLAN some time together. Don't wait till the end of the day, when you are both tired, and your minds are filled with work, household chores, or other activities. You don't have to be focused on the sex ("meet me at 5pm for a quickie!" ), just make time for the two of you. Take a mini-vacation. Go to the beach, go to a cabin in the mountains, or just rent a motel in town for a night. It's amazing what a minor change in scenery can do for your sex drive. Maybe just go out for dinner together (alone, not McDonalds with the kids. ). "Date" your husband from time to time. You can go casual, or dress up if you want to. (Added touch: Let him know you left your panties at home. Or, excuse yourself to the ladies room before you leave the restaurant, and hand your panties to him on the way out... ).
If you can't afford to get away, try to change the scenery at home. Turn off the lights, light some candles, and put on some soft music. Maybe take a shower or bubble bath together. Give him a massage, or let him massage you. Make sure there are no distractions. Send the kids off with grandma, unplug the phone, etc... Stay up late, talk all night, make love if you feel like it...
Do something different! Buy a sexy nightie (especially if you never wear them), make love somewhere new (the floor, the kitchen, the backyard, the garage, wherever...), or do something a little "naughty". Maybe you could blindfold him, or let him blindfold you. Maybe you could play with whip cream, or honey, or chocolate syrup (remember to use a washable blanket that won't be ruined if it is stained). Or maybe just try a different position, try oral, anal, or whatever. Maybe watch a sexy movie together, or try some sex toy's. Just be playful and venture out of your normal comfort zone from time to time.
Be spontaneous! Don't wait till after dinner, after the news, and after your favorite TV shows. Attack him when he walks in the door, take off your clothes at the dinner table, or strip his clothes off while he watches TV. Make love when the mood is there, not when it's most convenient...
If you don't have any luck with the basics, you may have to take matters into your own hands. Literally. Let your husband know you need it, and masturbate in front of him. Odds are he'll be turned on by the show and want to join in. If not, at least you can have a little pleasure and reduce the tension a little. Believe me, it's hard to be patient and understanding when your hormones are running on overdrive. At the same time, if he senses that his only purpose is serving your sexual needs, he may not feel real inspired either. So, removing your own sexual tension can help balance things out a little...
Worst case, say to him "look buddy, I Love You, but I NEED it, and you ARE going to provide...". Strip him down, climb on board, and get what you need. If his "plumbing" isn't up to the task, there's always a hand, mouth, or whatever you can make use of... Again, I'm betting he'll rise to the occasion...
Regardless of how you make it happen, having one playful session will often inspire future playfulness. He might say "You were so sexy last night... I've never seen you look/act like that before. I can't stop thinking about you...". That's your cue to go for another round...
Anthony I had a similar experience with birth control pills and have now been off them for a number of years and can plainly see the difference.............cept of course now I am seperated so my sex drive isn't an issue.....I didn't see the difference then though.
My H never had a problem before. He was always ready. Both times the OC were conceived where at point where I can look back and see I was not fulfilling my H's sexual needs. The first time I was working full-time, going to college full-time, and driving an hour one way to work & school, I was exhausted. The second time I was stressed and wore out from the demands of working full-time and motherhood. Other than those 2 periods and during my pregancy, sex was always 3-5 times a week.
Unlike most BS, after d-day, I didn't cringe from sexual contact from my H. Quite the opposite, I think I medicated myself with sex. It went from 3-5 times a week to 6-7 times a week, and it was more than just a physical act I feel on both of our parts. Maybe it was not difficult for me because I have never seen the OW and both allege the last physical contact was 10 years ago, I don't know.
The week before Thanksgiving is when all the sudden it dropped to 2 twice a week and then once a week. My H says he thinks it may be his medicine. But I do not think it has anything to do with his medicine. He takes Mobic, a non steriod anti-inflammatory drug for buritis.
I think his decrease in sex drive is psychological and I am concerned. I don't think he has been with the OW again, but it is hard to dismiss that thought from my mind.
If it hadn't been for the A, I don't think it would be such an issue for me either.
I know how you feel about getting tired of being the one who initiates all the time.
I haven't talked to my H about it that much. I guess we should look at how things are going in other areas. My H has been more considerate of my feelings and has spent a lot more time with me. I have taken a break from discussing the A with him this month because I needed peace during the holidays.
I am cautious to approach him and tell him how rejected I feel when he doesn't want me. I agree there should be more effort on the BS part, even if they don't feel like it. I wish I could give you some advice but I feel like I am in a similiar situation and I am not for sure what to do.
If it is stress and guilt, will this be just a stage? If it is guilt, I like to thing it may be a good thing, because I feel my H needs to experience guilt for what he has done. He needs to face the hurt he has caused. Up until this point, if he has realized it, he hasn't expressed it.
I can not thank you all enough for the help. Tex, you were right on when you mentioned guilt and stress. Last night I emailed him an article from this site. We started talking. He brought up the fact that he keeps having in the back of his mind that I'm going to decide to divorce him, even though things are going good. He actually used the words stress and guilt while we talked. I couldn't believe it. He can't understand how I can still be with him. It's hard for him to believe that I really love him. He is also in the process of deciding whether or not to change positions at his job. This is a stress because he can't go back to his old position if he takes the job. Usually when we talk about the A I feel better, but last night I didn't. We ended up getting into an arguement, which we haven't done in months. Luckily we calmed down. I told him that I wanted to give him a much better good night kiss, (not the little peck earlier, because I had been upset). Well, that passionate, long, long kiss, turned into great sex that we BOTH needed! Anthony, your suggestions were so great. I feel so much better now that I have people to talk to who understand. I also have to say that back in the winter when we weren't getting along, he would want sex, and if I wasn't interested he would get upset, and it was an even bigger turn off. For that reason I am trying to not act that way. Also, me going to the doctor with him from now on is one of the changes that I have made. Thanks again everyone!
Hi "robbed"
yes, it does sound like we are in a similar situation. Actually I'm wanting to stop talking about the A altogether, I guess in hopes I will move forward. I'm sick of thinking about it. The argument last night really bugged me. I don't want to push him, but like you said, he needs to know how it has hurt. Sometimes he acknowledges it, sometimes not. I definitely don't need him to start acting like an ass when I bring it up. He has been so good, until last night. It was strange. I think I have to remember that my H is emotionally unstable to begin with. That is going to make it even harder to work with him. He is needy, so it is very hard for him to deal with a needy person. Before the A I was the strong, confident one.
Something else that came out in our discussion last night, H says he is concerned that eventually he is going to get sick of taking me everywhere he goes, and always coming straight home from work. He doesn't seem to be sick of it. I know it bothered him at first to take me along on side jobs, but he actually seemed to enjoy it. Also he usually says he wants to come home after work now. Maybe alot of it is just his craziness. He says he is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has always done things the hard way. Maybe it is just weird to him that we are getting along so well. He can't understand it. I tried to explain that he is different, so I'm different. Even with the event of the A, I still feel happier with him, now that he is back home, and acting more normal than the way he was a few months ago. Also, he said he couldn't understand me feeling so close to him, and being so good to him, but he got upset because I was dwelling on the OW! I guess it's some sort of conflict going on in him. Hopefully he will begin counseling soon. We are going to the doctor in January, and I will encourage therapy. He has many issues that have nothing to do with me or our marriage. He also seems to be fearful of what would happen if I discovered he had stopped his medicine. Basically he can't cope well with stress, and right now he is stressed.
<<yes, it does sound like we are in a similar situation. Actually I'm wanting to stop talking about the A altogether, I guess in hopes I will move forward. I'm sick of thinking about it.>>
My H admitted to the first time he had a one night stand with the OW about 1 1/2 years after it happened. I had found her phone number and called her,she of course denied knowing my H. He and his friend tried to play it off as a joke, the friend had asked her for her phone number and had put in my H's coat pocket. (I have verified through a third party that he was only out with her at the most 2 times, then I found the number and he was never seen with her again, the 3rd party being his close friend who did ask her for her phone number and gave it to my H, and I believe the friend is telling the truth, he did not know anything about the OC, he has apologized and admitted at the time he did a lot of stupid things but he grew up and my H has never mentioned the OW/OC ever to him) My H conviently left out that a pregnancy and OC was the result when he confessed. I forgave too quickly then and did not ask enough questions because I just wanted to forget that it happened and move on. I didn't establish boundaries and didn't really require anything from my H other than his promise to never do it again. I didn't seek to find out why. I was 22 when my H confessed and I guess I basically went into denial for 15 years. As a result we slowly grew apart. Yes, I can remember good times but the lie about the OC kept us at a distance for years. Even when I would her rumors, or would see suspicious behavior I would explain it away. Be careful not to do this. I so much wish I would have further investigated everything then. My H didn't even confess to the 2nd one night stand (which actually he probably slept with her more than twice, but I can't prove otherwise) or either of the 2 other children. I finally decided to seek the truth and not stop until I found it. I confronted my H. While similiar I know each situation is unique. Just be careful not to bury the A before you and your H have worked through it. I do believe if it is not addressed properly, it will happen again. Now what is the proper way to address it, I am not entirely for sure because I am still wading through those waters myself now.
<<The argument last night really bugged me. I don't want to push him, but like you said, he needs to know how it has hurt. Sometimes he acknowledges it, sometimes not. I definitely don't need him to start acting like an ass when I bring it up. He has been so good, until last night. It was strange. I think I have to remember that my H is emotionally unstable to begin with. That is going to make it even harder to work with him. He is needy, so it is very hard for him to deal with a needy person.>>
I agree. Your H sounds like mine. Some would think we are making excuses for them. Sometimes I even think I am making excuses for my H. Several years ago, I asked the Lord to show me my H through his eyes. Since then I have recognized my H is weak in many areas. That does not excuse any of his actions but sometimes I think I am able to deal with things better when I recognize this. I no longer internalize his actions. It used to be I would take it personally when he yelled about something, even if it was not my fault. My sister recommended a book, Love is a choice. I read it and worked through the accompanying workbook. I don't see myself as a codependent anymore. I know I have some of the traits but I don't think that is always a bad thing. I don't want to be a cold-hearted, selfish b---- and if you remove all the behaviors that may be labeled codependent from your life, I think that is what you will become. Just my opinion. I think as long as you do not allow others to control you and you base your decision on what you want (sometimes considering the needs and wants of others and sometimes not, depending on the situation, it is your choice how much value you want to place on the needs/wants of others in your decision making)
<< Before the A I was the strong, confident one. >>
Same here. I still am not back to the way I used to be and maybe that isn't such a bad thing anyway. Maybe I was too confident, too strong for my own good. I can see how I made decisions and did not consult my H. I assumed he would agree with my decision and didn't need to be consulted since he always agreed with me and never expressed a difference in opinion. I can accept the responsibility of my actions that created an environment that was open for an A. However, the choice was his and his alone. I was in the same environment and I choose to remain faithful to my H. Right now, I just wish he would take care of me. I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I don't want to have all the responsibilities. I don't want the success of our marriage to mostly depend on me. We have some difficult choices to make, so we are going to have to be strong.
