Hello all. I am a betrayed husband that found out 2 weeks ago about my wife's affair and abortion. I am in the Military and was away quite frequently and told my wife only 3 days prior that I was coming home for the holidays (Not sure why she did not think I was coming home). I came home and immediately left for 2 days for an interview in another city as I am getting out of the Military. The day I returned, she goes out and does not come home until 0300. WOW! After much discusscion and apologies, she assured me that this would not happen again. Now to be honest, we were having some problems but none whereby either one of us practiced staying out practically all night. On Monday, she had a pre planned business trip to another city for the week (another reason I found her going out strange). After returning from her week long trip on Friday, she called me and asked me what was going on. I told her that the kids and I would be at a Movie and be home around 9pm. She then asked me if it was ok for her to go and have a a drink with a couple of friends and I told her I did not mind. She came home at 0430. I was a little POed. I finally got up around 0630 and got her off the couch and told her to go to bed as the kids were getting up. As she did that, I got on the lap top and saw that she had been visiting sites for womens clinics. WOW! I immediately went and searched the car and found the reciepts. I was devestated and confronted her. She denied it as expected and I believed her (But could not let it go like that). She came up with this BS stroy about helping out a friend (That I knew) who was separated from her husband and trying to move on. I believed her because I wanted to and she told me that she would get a divorce before ever cheating on me. I asked her was she involved in a relationship with someone and if it was over and she denied it all. I got her to go to the counselor/pastor that night and she told the same story. We had a great weekend of church going and prayer and she goes to work on Monday. Calls and says that her friend, (That she helped get the abortion) really needed her and wanted to know if I had a problem with her stopping by to chat with her. I told her I did in deed have a problem with it because we were having problems that were not delth with and that I was not resolved with this abortion issue. After much exchange, I told her to do what she wanted. She came home at 0230, and had been drinking. I was waiting when she came home and we had a heated exchange. I knew she went to a gathering of some sort because I blocked out my phone number and called her friend with the problems (My wife would never answer a restricted/private call) and heard about 3 or 4 others in the back ground. All this did was further spur me on to investigate. I felt she was getting drunk and staying out late to keep from me attempting to be intimate which she could not do because of the abortion. On, the next day, it was her B'day. This is when I had a female call the abortion clinic and act as if they were her and say that they were having complications. They said hold on and came back with her chart and spilled the beans. She calls me and tells me that she wants me to come out with her and her friends to celebrate downtown. I told her sure (Though I had no intentions of going to see the guy she was screwing), and to just give me a call when she got there. She calls me at 9 and asked was I on the way. Mind you that we have 3 kids all below the age of 12. I told her that I had no intentions of leaving the kids and to call me a little bit later. She did not call (Which was find with me)until around 1 a.m. and was clearly drunk and was brought home by a friend. Great for me because I had to take her to her car the next morning which was a 25 min drive away. I confronted her again with my new information and told her in no uncertain terms that I knew everything, wanted her to be honest and go to counseling. If not, I was going to file for divorce and take the kids. She said nothing. That evening after she returned from work, she broke and confirmed it all. My problem now is what to do? Even though she told me about the affair, I am having a hard time believing that she has only been unfaitful once and is being totally honest. We have not yet attended our first counseling session and I have had 2 moments of weakness (Crying breakdowns). The first was on the night of confirmtion and the second just came out of nowhere during normal conversation. To put this in perspective, I can't remember ever crying before and am not a very emotional guy. I don't know how to proceed with intimacy, affection, or weather or not to believe her. I know that in order to make this work, all of these things will have to be addressed and delth with. Does any man or woman who has betrayed her husband have any pointers on how to be intimate after discovery? Any help on any of my rambling will be helpful. I apoligize for any misspelled words and/or grammer errors in advance. I am just so full and had to put it out. Hope it makes since and I get some responses. Thanks in advance.

I'm so sorry that you had to find us, but you will have support here. I don't really know what to say to you, except that I know how traumatized you are right now. I found out almost 3 months ago about my husband's affair. It is heartbreaking.
You will get some good advice from people who will know what to say to you. Please keep posting. It really helps.

KT I am so sorry that you find yourself here but welcome you to a safe place to share your story and vent with others who have all been down similar paths.

Let me share a bit about my story........

3 years ago I walked in on my H in bed with another woman. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected. I honestly thought life was over..all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The feelings, the anger, the emotions are all completely normal. You breaking down in tears is normal. Affairs are life changing, life altering experiences and have been equated with having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am now seperated and life is starting to get better. It takes time...alot of time to get over this whether you chose to stay or not. (more about this later)

There are 3 relationships that will need to heal.....you, her and the marriage. In order for the marriage to heal it will take alot of work and effort on her part to show you she is remorseful. The fact is right now you cannot trust her as she has destroyed that. That trust will have to be earned back. Her breaking off contact completely with the other party would be a step in that direction.

Regardless right now you can concentrate on you - eat, sleep and exercise. I know how hard that is when your going through this trauma, but it is necessary. If you find you can't then please see your doctor. That brings me to another point - you should see your doctor and get tested for any possible std's. Obviously if your wife got pregnant then they didn't use protection so go to the dr and rule out any chance you could have been infected with anything.

Read read read.....get your hands on the following books and read some posts on our site.

After the Affair
The Monogamy Myth
Not Just Friends

Most of all give yourself time to absorb this and don't make any major decisions right now. Take some time to get over the shock before deciding what you want to do.

Generally most books suggest that in order to show remorse and make a committment to the marriage again the wayward spouse must:

- Breakoff all contact with the other party (preferably a phone call with you present)
- Give you access to all passwords, email, cell, etc
- Make their life a complete open book
- Agree to some sort of counselling

There is hope for repairing a marriage if both parties are willing to do that and recovery is possible if you decide later that you want to go it alone.

Okay sorry I have swarmed you with information......I will stop now. If you have any questions, need to vent or just need somebody to talk to, please post. I will be around today during the day and will try to check back and respond. The board is a little slow with the holiday.

Once again, welcome!


Kid