let me just say first that i know i am being hard on myself. i go back and forth from telling myself i'm human and i am never going to be able to get better for my sake and for those that i love and have hurt unless i give myself a break and try to love myself... OR... telling myself that i need to hate myself because a) i don't respect myself anymore and neither does my husband ( my HUSBAND. i love him. i don't ever want to stop calling him that. i love him more now than i ever have. enough that if leaving me is what he feels would be best for him, then that is what i would wish for him as long as that is how he would be happiest.) anyway... b) because i don't deserve love because i hurt it, i hurt him and c) because i am having trouble living with myself after what i did and how it affected my husband.

okay, here is where i get hard on myself and ask for your advice...
i am trying so hard to follow all of the wonderful advice from you guys and from the book i am reading that i am practically beating my husband over the head with it. one second i think, i need to give him some space... some time to sit with the situation and take care of himself, but then the next second i think that if for one second i don't tell him i love him and that i am sorry and i take responsibility for hurting him and i want to make it up to him if he will let me... that he may not know these things or he may think that i am forgetting that i betrayed him and disrespected myself and our relationship.

what can i do to show him that i truly am sorry, i know what i did and i want to make it up to him while still respecting his space? he's gone to stay with a friend for the next month and then i don't know what will happen. he said he won't file any divorce papers over the next month out of respect for my father. i feel like everything i do and say with good intentions is the exact wrong thing to do or say. tonight on the phone when i finally got to hear his voice, i blurted out "i'm scared." that was SO the WRONG thing to say. i knew it as soon as it left my lips. i'm trying to make conscious decisions not emotional ones yet still be honest about everything that is going on inside me so that he can start to eventually trust me again. i am trying to be transparent, but i know when i said that he felt probably overwhelmed and angry because he needs to focus on his own hurt right now and not be concerned about me and whether or not i'm scared.

does anyone have any advice? please feel free to be honest even if that means harsh words. i need to hear honesty and i understand if the advice comes from those of you that have been betrayed and in order to help me understand you have to share some of your pain. i hurt for all of us. i hurt for those of us that ruined the beauty and innocence of imperfect love. i hurt for those that don't feel remorse. i hurt for those who were hurt and completely powerless in this awful thing that forever changed your lives without you so much as having a say in it. i hurt for those who hurt but can't show it because their ego gets in the way (sometimes me, but i'm trying).

""""and that i am sorry and i take responsibility for hurting him and i want to make it up to him if he will let me... that he may not know these things or he may think that i am forgetting that i betrayed him and disrespected myself and our relationship.""""

Boy, if only every WS could get this part. Two things that mean the most to a BS, honesty above all and a sincere commitment to making things right through your actions, which will take time for your H to see. You will be building an ongoing track record of honest sincere behavior. Which means staying away from those "friendly" situations with the wrong people.

No matter how this turns out the best thing that you can do for yourself is get help in counseling to figure out what it is that allows you to cross a line that you know is wrong. It's a weakness of some sort but you can turn it around once recognized and dealt with. If you stay married, your H will need to feel safe that the issue or issues have been dealt with and that you won't cheat again. If you don't stay married to your H, you will still need to work on this for your next relationship or it may be doomed.

Why is your H not filing for divorce, out of respect for your dad? What does you dad have to do with this?

Wish you well, H2C

Hurt...I so appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts about what is going on with you. I don't know where you and your H are now...I realize that he has moved out to get some space...that is a wise choice for him..he may even be showing some respect for you because he doesn't want to harm any potential for the marriage. I think that your being hard on yourself for telling him you are "scared" is not true. Aren't you trying to be honest and open with him? What are you scared about? Does he know? You are trying to get to a place where the two of you can share some of your thoughts and feelings about the marriage, one another, and your life together. Did you expand on the "scared"? I think your statement about your "ego" getting in the way needs to be rethought....this is not a game. LET your ego get in the way...obviously you kept it from getting in the way before and now look where you are? You need to be authentic with him...you have lied to him and deceived him...he needs to know WHO YOU ARE and how you feel about him, the institution of marriage, and perhaps, at some level, why you made the choice you made. I so appreciated the kind words you shared at the end of your post....I am the BS and I am so sad that I didn't have a say in this decision....my marriage of 34 years is gone and she is living the life with him that I thought I would have privvy to...the good, the bad, the ugly, the happiness, sharing in our children's lives together...all that is of no interest to him now. How sad it is for all of use.

What I am encouraging you to do is be honest with what you are feeling. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Honesty is the greatest gift we can give one another....it makes us vulnerable and willing to take a risk. I think your husband needs to hear what is on your mind....I know...if you talk about fear...his retort might be, "well why didn't you think of that before you made that choice"? Who knows. BUT, you are thinking about it now. I have often heard people say that the Affair was the beginning of their marriage...I hope this will be true for the two of you. I think you need to keep in contact with one another. Read Bruce Fisher's book, Rebuilding Relationships...he h as a great section in there on "structured" separations...it should be at your public library,

I think you are on the right road, and I hope your H can see that once he's had time to take in the situation. As others have said, a BS really wants to know that the WS is truly sorry for what they did and they understand how wrong it was. We also want to know that you are willing to make any changes necessary in your life to make sure it doesn't happen again. What most WS don't seem to "get", and unfortunately from reading on here, many counselors don't "get" is that there is usually some deep seated issue for the WS that has allowed all this to happen. While what happened to you in the past must be terribly painful, the good thing is that at least you know what your "issue" is, which is half the battle of dealing with it. May I suggest that while your H is gone this month, take the time to follow through on your promises of finding help and learning more about yourself. This will prove your sincerity to him more than anything else could. Best of luck to you.

Howdy Hurtin',

I'm glad you are still here.

What would I want to hear after I've moved out as a BS?

I would want to hear you respect my wishes(it shows respect).

I would want to hear you are avaliable anytime and reachable at any hour I chose to contact you(accountable for your time).

I would want to hear you are going to work on you and get to the bottom of why this happened(shows accountability).

I would want to hear that you loved me. Corny maybe but I'd need to hear it.

Those would be the first few things I'd start with.

Regards,

Tex

"Why is your H not filing for divorce, out of respect for your dad? What does you dad have to do with this?"

H2C, my husband is a great guy and a true southern gentleman. (Tex, you two would get along like peanut butter and jelly. )when he asked my dad for permission to ask me to marry him he made a promise to my dad that he would take care of me. he takes that promise very seriously.

i really don't know how or why i ended up with such a wonderful man. i guess for some reason i was blessed.

i really hope i can give him the marriage i know he deserves. i want to believe i can change. i have to just take it one day at a time, because as he said my track record doesn't speak highly for me right now. my biggest fear is that i will fix almost everything but miss something because i don't see it. maybe that is a good fear for me to have. it means i will constantly be watching my thoughts and behavior with a critical eye. it is going to take awhile to prove to myself that i can be trusted. i would imagine i can't prove to him i can be trusted until i reach that point.

i'm hoping some of this will eventually become easier like a habit. i know it is important to surround myself with the right people, continue to go to counseling and really evaluate my patterns and why i have them, and to keep reminding myself that even when i am exhausted (like right now) it is all worth it.

i have to confess i want instant gratification. i want life to be easy again. i've been selfish for too long. but too bad. i brought this upon myself. and maybe that's a good thing or i never would have dealt with the things i'm dealing with now or seeing the truth about myself like i am seeing now.

i am struggling so hard right now to have hope, stay HUMBLE (god, that's a hard one. i want to encourage myself by saying you are doing a good job and then i feel guilty for congratulating myself), remember i need help and stay out of self-pity. the thing that keeps me going...? i want to someday say to myself "i am a good person who treats myself and the people i love in a way that makes their soul grow." i HAVE to believe i can be that person, not just THINK i am that person but actually BE that person, you know, when other people say that about you not when you feel you have to say it about yourself.

thank you guys for your kind words, but i am having trouble right now to hearing that i am doing the "right thing". i did the "wrong thing" in the worst possible way. i don't feel like you guys are being hard enough on me. i'm not spectacular for feeling remorse or going to get things straight. that is what i should do. it's what i owe to my husband and myself. if your spouses are not doing that... well i can't speak for anyone else, i'm sorry. i just mean to say i have trouble hearing i'm doing the right thing even though i know you guys are just trying to be supportive. i mean, don't you think i'm the enemy? i'm a betrayer? why are you guys being so kind and why am i having such a hard time accepting your kindness?

>>don't you think i'm the enemy?<<

No.

Can't speak fo everyone but I look at the WS posting on here as people who are hurting just like we BS are. you're not the enemy.You just bring a different view to this A table of emotions & experiences.We learn from you too!

Nope, your definitely NOT the enemy It would make us happy if we can help you and your H heal from this.

"i don't feel like you guys are being hard enough on me."

If you want that, you could perhaps try a few other boards. LOL - just kidding!

I am actually very happy to see someone reaching out to get help from something they know was so wrong. In my book, you are about 90% farther along than my spouse ever was by just admitting to your problems and realizing the need to "fix" them. As you know, that will require some work, but counseling can really help you deal with the repercussions of the rape and anything else that impacted your decisions to go outside your marriage. I hope we can help a bit too.

Charlie

""""why are you guys being so kind and why am i having such a hard time accepting your kindness?""""

There, that is the big question. Get counseling and find the answer to that question. I know what my answer for you would be but you have to find that answer for yourself and all the baggage that goes with it. You'll probably need a porter to deal with the baggage.

Let me tell you a story about my friend, GT. (She's taking a few days off from the board right now, which is probably why she hasn't responded to you. I'm pretty sure she will. In the meantime, you can find her story on the Members board.)

I "met" GT several years ago when we were both reading and posting on another board. Some of what she wrote sounded exactly as if it came out of my then-wife's mouth. She told me later that some of what I wrote actually had come out of her husband's mouth, but for some reason she could "hear" it better from me. We started an email and posting correspondence that continues.

GT did what you are doing: she recognized her husband as a good man who was always there for her, she figured out where things got crossed up in her own head, and she did what it took to make things right. (Unfortunately, that didn't happen at my house.)

In particular, GT offered me one "life truth" that has helped me in finding peace and then happiness, and for that I am eternally grateful.

There is no way I'd ever call her, or anyone like her, an enemy. I am honored to think of her as a friend and collaborator in this effort...like me, she is one of the administrators on these boards. (And by the way, Quinn is the founder. That ought to tell you how people around here think about things.)

Welcome.



Chris.

I think we all appreciate your strength in coming here to get feedback from us. I am "jealous" that you had the insight, strength, and integrity to own up to your part of what happened. I would love to know how long it took you to realize that? I find it so hurtful that there are some of us that are not as lucky as your husband is. I am certainly not condoning what took place, only that you were insightful enough to acknowledge it and face the hell of "fessing" up. Most of us here as BS are the ones that a re being blamed. I will go to my grave not knowing what I did (according to him a lot) during the 34 years I was married. He simply told me I didn't pay enough attention to him and that I cared more about our grown children than I did him...he walked out and has NEVER told me anything. It has been almost 2 years and I can't go through a day without the bawling and just feeling so bad that I was not given a "chance"..."due process" to "fix" the things that I didn't know were wrong. We spent our entire life together..since in our 20's...we are now in our almost 60's and another woman (34 yrs old) is living the life that I was looking foward to living..the retirement home at hte lake house...all of the professional conferences, travel, trips to the beach...everything we were putting off until our youngest son was launched...which he left in August..now I am alone and she is with him and he is raising her two children. I wish he has whatever it was that you had to come to me and talk about it....what a sad situation. I didn't realize that there were people who could just "thumb your nose" at the history, family, fun times. etc. Maybe there are gender differences...I don't know. Best of luck....I hope that your husband can find it within himself ot work with you on this.

"There is no way I'd ever call her, or anyone like her, an enemy. I am honored to think of her as a friend and collaborator in this effort"

Chris, I feel the same way Every time I think of a former betrayer, she comes to mind. She is a good friend and a good person!

Charlie

"i would love to know how long it took you to realize that?"

sage, i didn't right away. i had pretended in my head when i was in mexico that i was not married ( a very dangerous game for me to be playing). i was trying to reevaluate EVERYTHING in my life because i knew something was wrong and i didn't know what, so i was trying to take everything away and add it on one by one to see what my reaction was.

before the trip, i was being self-destructive and hating myself and couldn't keep track of my love for my husband through the fog. i believe it really is true that you "can't love someone else unless you love yourself."

i kissed the guy because i was in pain and lonely and i wanted to stop hurting. i pushed the thought of my husband out of my mind. when the guy tried to go further i felt a little stab in my heart, i don't know what... guilt... love? maybe both. that is the only thing that stopped me from going further.

i realized what i did wrong and that i needed to tell my husband several days later at work. i started to panic and i desperately felt i needed to rush home and tell him not to trust me, that i was going to hurt him. he was out of town visiting family. i called a friend and told them what i did and that i wanted to tell my husband. they told me to warn him but not to tell him about the kiss because that would only hurt him. i tried to do that but i couldn't, i had to tell him.

" """"why are you guys being so kind and why am i having such a hard time accepting your kindness?""""

There, that is the big question. Get counseling and find the answer to that question. I know what my answer for you would be but you have to find that answer for yourself and all the baggage that goes with it. You'll probably need a porter to deal with the baggage."

i agree. thanks H2C. maybe when i get the answer i can let you know and you can tell me if it's similar to what you think? i could be missing something and i would appreciate it if you would help. but i agree i need to find my answer first.

Hurting said,

""""i would appreciate it if you would help""""

Sure, we all will.