Okay, everyone is having fun with GT's music thread. I think it is the longest thread on the forum. So here's another one...

Your best jokes, please...

Here's one to start it off:

No Frills Dentist Appointment

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife Sue. "Show him, honey."

1. An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this? A joke?"

2. Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?"

3. Skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop".

Do you know why they paint elephant's balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree?
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See it works, don't it?

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

I use this one in my self defense seminars...

A little guy is sitting in a bar having a beer. A big guy walks up to the little and wallops him with his elbow, knocking the little guy onto the ground.

The big guy guy looks down at him, laughs and says, "Elbow strike, Shotokan Karate, Japan".

The little guy gets up, brushes himself off and climbs back up on his barstool.

The big guy steps back and clobbers the little guy on the side of the head with his foot, knocking him to the floor again. He looks down, laughs and say, "Roundhouse kick, Tae Kwon Do, Korea".

The little guy gets up, brushes himself off and walks out of the bar, while the big guy, still chuckling, takes his seat.

About an hour later, the little guy walks back in, walks up to the big guy and NAILS him on the side of the head, knocking him on the ground and OUT COLD!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him I said, 'Crowbar, Home Depot, USA'"

Moral: NEVER go looking for trouble, because you WILL find it.

Cory

Say....did you hear about the Newfoundlander who had a penis transplant....and his hand rejected it

An Oldie But Goodie.

Tex


Dear Dogs and Cats,



a.. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.



b.. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



c.. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.



d.. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.



e.. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.



f.. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



g.. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

THANK YOU

Tex, I TOTALLY relate! LMAO

Tex, sent that one to my fellow blindies, and received this response from the cat of one of my bud's...

Response on behalf of the feline and canine world -


I find the tone of many of your comments distressing as you clearly do not understand the important role which we fulfil within your household and I shall provide an explanation for each of your points.

a.. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

Response - by remaining stationary and occupying the same space it is easier for you to identify where we are and by not moving you can easily move around us. The length of your legs is clearly excessive in proportion to
your body so it will take you considerably less time to walk around us than it will for us move. Additionally you may not appreciate this but we are sacrificing our bodies to prevent you from falling over loose pieces of
carpet, looser floorboards, and a myriad of other obstructions; it is at great risk to ourselves that we protect you in this way.


b.. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Response - many species of both cat and dog evolved from a very early form of food taster and we continue to fulfil this role even if you fail to appreciate the risks we take with our own lives. By licking and nibbling at your food we managed to remove the poison that has been carefully included in a desperate attempt to kill you, I am prepared to confirm the identity of
your would-be assassin on provision of some very special delicacies.


c.. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

Response - it is necessary for us to reach the bottom of the stairs before you do in order to ensure that the dangers and traps which have been laid for you are cleared away before you arrive. We appreciate you don't see as well as we do or have our nimbleness of paw so we take it on ourselves to risk our lives for your safety. We possess great speed and the ability to move vital distances in a single bound, you may fall but you will never land on us but if you do fall we will ensure that the emergency services are called for you.


d.. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Response - by remaining close to you while we sleep we maintain your protection and should you attempt to leave the bedroom we will be able to easily escort you wherever you choose to go. I would suggest that you
consider the feasibility of bunk beds so there may be one level for us, the bottom obviously, and one level for you to use.


e.. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

Response - why then are they aerodynamic?


f.. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Response - you clearly have no idea of the dangers which the bathroom presents, you can be consumed by all manner of water spraying and waste removal devices and its only with the powerful presence of one of our number that the dangers can be controlled. There have been many occasions where the bathroom has consumed a human because they lacked the power and potency or feline and canine protection. The amount of flesh which is exposed the bathroom just makes the danger worse!


g.. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Response - but if I smell them last I have nothing to take a nasty taste away!

It is clear to me that you have failed to understand the true importance of the feline and canine breeds within your household and it is only through our diligence and ongoing protection that you have not been consumed by your floor, drowned in your bathroom, poisoned by your hidden enemies or attacked in your sleep. Clearly we have been successful as you have not been attacked in your own home.

Long live the furry ones!!!
King Dibbles the Cat

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.

Cory..LMAO.

Here's another oldie but goodie for Hurtin':



How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire dept to retrieve the f___ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b___ard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER , sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture store on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror
- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,
long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's
clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry
with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head. If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge
of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the woo-woo sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch
your ass.


Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the
water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the
shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt
hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging
out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Disheartened,

Hey, how did you know how I shower. lol Wow, so I am that "normal", huh?

... hmmm, I'm trying to think of a joke but Tex has me intimidated.

Okay, on the subject of animals...

The bear and the rabbit:

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

Thanks Hurting... I thought I was the only one who showered like that!! .. Nice to know I'm not alone!

Here is an oldie but a goodie...no offence to the country fans out there....


What has 66 feet and three teeth?



the front row at a Willie Nelson concert...

bada boom bada bing



Disheartened
aka
Xena the Warrior Queen

ps... don't you worry about Tex... he is a pussycat!

Dog Property Rules


1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

 

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with  the crew building the house next door to us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on  the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

 

Kara- ROFL! Too funny!!

I have two close gay friends and it pisses me off. They are handsome, funny, have great decorating styles and can cook.

They both tell me that if they weren't gay, we would be having a lot more fun.

TLMM

Another oldie...


Subject: Texas Chili Contest

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that barmaid Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli
__________________

TLMM,

I could easily be one of those............ummmm.............what do ya call it?................ummmm............'fag hags'!?!?!

Gay men are probably the most wonderful (and absolutely hilarious) friends to have.....I have had many gay male friends over the years!!  What I think I adore the most, is that when you shop with them - they tell it to you straight!!!  If something makes you look fat - they tell you....if something makes you look fabulous - they make you feel like a goddess (in their best flamboyantly excited manner)!!!  And only your gay male friends can get away with telling you that you look fat (I'm still not sure why that is - LOL)!!!

Kara

Kara...because it obviously "doesn't count".

Chris.

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well.
I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out.
On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Happy Consumer

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty," and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten," so God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" and God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going tohave to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

I just now got around to reading all of these. Thanks for the laughs.   

Charlie, numbers 17 & 18 are my favorites.

Tex, the "chili judge" is one of my all time favorite jokes. It doesn't matter how many times I read it, I still laugh like crazy.  

GT

This one is a combination blonde/gay TRUE story. I am an eyewitness to this....

I have a cousin who's gay (a few years older than I), and he owns a B&B. I also have a senior citizen (older than my mother) female cousin who is blonde, literally and figuratively. After a family member's funeral, my gay cousin opened his beautiful home for the reception.

As the afternoon was nearing it's end, my blonde cousin was talking to my gay cousin and some of his friends. My W, mother and I were standing there, as we were giving my blonde cousin a ride home.

Earlier, the gay cousin had given a tour of this home (huge house, 3 floors, over 20 rooms total) to my blonde cousin and a few others. As we were standing there saying our goodbyes, my blonde cousin said to the gay cousin, "I just LOVE this house! It's gorgeous! How do you keep it so clean?"

One of his gay friends chimed in and said, "Oh, he has some fairy's that do the cleaning for him."

We all had a good laugh, except the blonde cousin. She was dumbfounded. When we got in the car, I explained that our gay cousin has gay friends that own a cleaning service and they clean the house. She replied, "T**** gay?"

I almost pissed my pants laughing...
Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.

This is meant as a guide for the women folks here. It certainly isn't a joke according to my wife. But I didn't know where else to place it. I guess we could put it under "resources".

Your First Mammogram


Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Keep repeating exercise again and again until you get the desired effect.

EXERCISE 2:
Go out in your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of your cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lay down comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your car. Get a friend to back the car up slowly until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two bricks overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a total stranger in the room. Press the bricks against one of your breasts. Smash the bricks together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared for your first mammogram.

Some of you are probably wondering how I know sooooo much about boobs. Well, I saw a standup comic named Joe Bob Leroy that was doing a benefit show for The American Cancer Society and their fight against breast cancer. I learned all of it from Joe Bob. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

H2C