My wayward spouse says she wants to put her lover out of her mind but cannot. We were beginning to make progress but then they had contact again. Anyone have any suugestions as to what she can do to forget him. She claims she wants to.

She could try to analyze it to death. Grim reality can crush romance.

You could try reading Kat's Reader's Digest article together and then discuss brain science rather than romance.



http://www.network54.com/Forum/375737/thread/1137424328/last-1137451251/a+little+simplistic+but>;



Lovers can fade away in time along with their accompanying notions about grandeur. Life partners who choose to, stay together through thick and thin....hell and high water.

If she's thinking that the grass might be greener 'over there', maybe she could work on her perspective. She could easily get 'over there', look back, and realize the grass was greener where she was.

I don't know your story or how long it's been since Dday. Or how long your wife's affair was, but I can give you my perspective as a former wayward spouse.

It could be she's doing as RW mentioned above, she's spending too much time looking at the grass elsewhere and thinking it's greener, as opposed to keeping her mind on track with your relationship. If she had a big emotional attachment to the OM it will take her some time to really see that relationship for what it was. And to stop wandering what she's leaving behind.

It also depends on the reasons for her affair and if she's now committed to making your marriage work. There are several factors involved as to why she can't move past her feelings for him and not have contact.

Learning to concentrate on where she is today is a big key. And it's a daily choice to stay on track. If she recognizes that she shouldn't be contacting the OM and she's taken steps to stop, then IMO that's the first big hurdle to get past. At least it was for me. I had to set my mind to a goal and then remind myself daily (sometimes hourly) what that goal was.

Sometimes a counselor can be a big help with this. Someone you can run your fears and insecurities past who will not be hurt by what you are saying and feeling can be very valuable to talk to. My counselor helped me realize that my "urge" to contact the OM had really nothing to do with the OM himself, but had more to do with my insecurites and fears. And I was reacting to the things I felt I was getting from him. I didn't have a great love for him that drew me to him. I had a great "need" to get what I felt he was providing. Learning to get those things from myself, or my husband helped me get over the urge to contact the OM. He became a non issue when I learned to look within myself.

Hope this helps. If you'd like to ask more questions, please do.

GT 

Thanks for your input.
The latest affair lasted from May thru October of 2005. When this affair came out in the open she informed there were other affairs prior to this one.
In the latest one they convinced themselves they are in love. The OM is married as well. His wife made the initial discovery. My wife and I were not really getting along for the prior 2 months and I finally demanded to know what gives she finally told me about the affair and how she felt about the OM. A week later she confessed to the other affair as well as one night stand shortly after we got married.(had no idea at all about this one) We are both in individual counseling as well as MC. She has stated many times she wants to try and work things out. I do believe she is sincere but she seems not to be able to control herself as she seems to be the one initiating the contact. She claims she is trying but I do not think she is giving it all she has to.

I am not completely innoccent in this as I too had some affairs of my own. They were purely lustful and nonromantic. I regret all my indiscretions. My spouse does not. I love my wife and want to keep our family together. I just do not know how to keep rebuilding the trust!

I find myself wondering who had an A first? Whoever it was, did the other spouse know about it? I mean, could this be a case where one decided to have revenge A's? Maybe not but in that case I can see where one would not feel guilty about it. I'm not saying two wrongs make a right regardless, just saying I understand it more.

Charlie

It could be that she did this because of my A. She discovered the A and took me back but caught me online again and again and she stayed. I look back now and cannot understand why I continued to go online. So in a way I cannot blame her but I just need to move on. I asked for a commitment on us but she cannot completely sever the other relationship. They have not met since the A came to light but have had contact via email and phone. they have agreed to no contact so they can work on their marriages. Am I being a fool? She has been honest with me about her feelings and all her contacts with the OM. She could just say yes I will not contact him and do so behind my back. Currently she tells me right away about any contact she has. Anyone have a similar situation? Any suugestions to help her sever the contacts fore good?

Wow, this is really a tough thing for both of you. Your marriage will not work out unless both of you are fully committed to making it work.

It sounds like both of you could use counseling to get to the bottom of both of your A's. You mentioned that she could have had a revenge A. She may be harboring a lot of resentment from your A's and now that she has feelings for someone, she may think he is different. The problem is that a married man that would cheat and not feel remorse or not get to the bottom of why he is cheating would likely cheat on your W too, in other words, she is living in a fantasy world right now. Has she done any reading about A's to get an idea of how different this relationship is compared to how a marriage is? One great book is "After the Affair," you can find it in our resources section on the top of the home page.

"I look back now and cannot understand why I continued to go online. So in a way I cannot blame her but I just need to move on. I asked for a commitment on us but she cannot completely sever the other relationship."

I've never heard of anyone getting their marriage to work if both aren't committed and if she can't sever this relationship, how can you reconnect? I understand the guilt you likely feel b/c of your own A's but if you are committed to stopping and she isn't, you can't make it work on your own. What do you want? Do you want to live like this? At this point it would seem the ball is in her court to stop the A or in your court to end your marriage. I'm not advising for you to end it, just that it is not in your power to make it work on your own - she has to want it too.

"They have not met since the A came to light but have had contact via email and phone."

In MHO she is still having an A if they are talking on the phone.

"Am I being a fool?"

Most of us here did not want to let our marriages go when confronted with an A even if we said we would have before we knew they cheated. No, I don't think your being a fool for trying to make it work but don't let that confuse you by thinking you can change her or get her to see things your way. I think there are probably a bunch of us here, that when confronted with a spouse who did not want to stop their poor behaviors (cheating, addictions and so on,) we tried to see if we could change them or control them. Sadly, if they don't want it, it ain't happenin.

I guess if it were me I would get her to sit down and discuss whether or not she thinks your relationship is worth saving or not. You sound as if you want to start over and do the right thing. For your sanity, setting boundaries of what you will or will not accept may be a good thing and then you need to stick with it.

Charlie