This comes from a book I've read and really liked. It's called "Get Anyone to do Anything" by David Leiberman, Ph.D.

I've used several of his ideas in real life and every one of them has worked believe it or not. Here's one:


How to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you.

From the bedroom to the boardroom learn how to see clearly and easily evaluate information without being swayed by those with selfish interests and unkind intentions. The manipulator's bag of tricks is stocked with seven deadly tactics that can have you jumping through hoops. The good news is that by knowing what they are, you can watch out for them, and...never be manipulated again?

These powerful manipulators are: guilt, intimidation, appeal to ego, fear, curiousity, our desire to be liked, and love. (Charlie here - sound familiar everyone?) Anyone who uses any of these is attempting to move you from logic to emotion--to a playing field that's not so level. He knows that he can't win on the facts so he will try to manipulate your emotions with any one or a combination of the tactics below.

Guilt: "How can you even say that? I'm hurt that you wouldn't trust me. I just don't know who you are anymore."

Intimidation: "What's the matter, can't you make a decision? Don't you have enough confidence in yourself to do this?

Appeal to Ego: "I can see that you're a smart person. I wouldn't try to put anything past you. How could I? You'd be on to me in a second."

Fear: "You know, you might just lose this whole thing. I sure hope you know what you're doing. I'm telling you that you won't get a better deal anywhere else. This is your last shot at making things work out; why do you want to risk losign out on being happy?"
(Charlie here, another very familiar one in A recovery, eh? i.e. "You can't ever forgive me so maybe we should just divorce.")


Curiosity: "Look, you only live once. Try it. You can always go back to how things were before. It might be fun, exciting--a real adventure. You'll never know unless you try and you may regret never even seeing what happens."

Our Desire to be liked: "I thought you were a real player. So did everybody else. This is going to be a real disappointment if you don't come through for us. Come on, nobody likes it when a person backs out...this can be your chance to prove what you're made of."

Love: "If you loved me you wouldn't question me. Of course I have only your best interests at heart. I wouldn't lie to you. You know that deep down inside, don't you? We can have a wonderful relationship if only you'd let yourself go and experience the wonders that the future will deliver to us."


This book also has chapters on:

Does his story check out?
(That one is a way to tell if someone is lying every time and it works b/c I tried it with ex.)

Get anyone to say what he's really thinking.

Get anyone to follow through on a commitment to you.

Stop Verbal Abuse Instantly.

Get anyone to open up to you.

Get anyone to confide in you and confess anything.

and more but I'm tired of typing and some are not as important.

Charlie

Charlie,
Thanks for the post. I’m definitely going to check out that book. In the meantime, check out a few scenes from my marriage:

Guilt:
Yes, I know I’ve cheated on you and lied to you, but I didn’t want to hurt you. We have to move past this now. The punishment phase needs to end. I don’t understand why you’re so angry when you know I only want what’s best for us.

Appeal to Ego:
It’s true a woman answered the phone in my hotel room at 8:00 in the morning but if I were doing something wrong, don’t you think I would have told her not to answer it. The fact that she did should prove to you I have nothing to hide. I know you’re smart enough to see that.

Fear:
If you can’t get past this, I’m just going to leave. No one will treat you better than me but if you think you can find someone who will, you know where the door is.

Curiosity (plus guilt plus where the hell did he learn that):
I know we’ve never tried that before but I bet you would have liked it if you had just relaxed. We need to try new things. Don’t you want to please me as much as I want to please you?

Love (or not):
Living with you these past months has been so painful. The fact that I’m still here should prove to you how much I love you when my life would be so much easier if I left.

So what do you think? Am I being manipulated?

DG

I don't think you're being manipulated.

Words like "used" and "played" come to mind.

Chris.

ps. Any form of "I'm still here, aren't I?" (as in your last comment) just boils my blood, DG. As if a lyin' cheatin' spouse is some prize we're just dying to have.

>>>I don't think you're being manipulated.<<<
Did ya miss somethin’ Chris?

>>Words like "used" and "played" come to mind<<<
Oh, I see where you’re going with this. Those words have come to my mind too, but mostly I feel like I’ve been screwed upside down and backwards (and not in a good way).

>>> Any form of "I'm still here, aren't I?" just boils my blood, DG.<<<
Yeah, I’ve been feeling pretty hot-blooded myself lately.

>>As if a lyin' cheatin' spouse is some prize we're just dying to have.<<<
The funny (and by that I mean sad) thing is, I thought I didn’t deserve him; that I was lucky he came home to me when he could have had any number of other women. I know. . . I got counseling for that problem - I’m pretty much over it now.

DG

Hey Charlie, thanks for the post. I gotta get that book. I also heard "Never Be Lied To Again" is also a good one. I think the biggest challenge is identifying manipulation.  You get so used to it you dont even realize it any more.  But I do most of the time now

Take care...Carol~

Your right Carol it is a challenge and mostly because people who aren't the manipulative type just can't figure out the psychosis around trying to get control by using manipultion. I couldn't figure it out for years when I was with my ex because I didn't use it. I sure recognize it now and I'm fairly sure I won't be affected by it ever again. I think that is a big benefit I've gotten from this group, the ability to recognize manipulation and realizing that my ex's family dynamics when he was growing up had a tremendous negative affect on him. I also realize that I'm not so crazy after all At least I don't think so When you are with someone who manipulates you for so long, they have a way of making you feel a little nuts, they'll tell you that every poor behavior they are doing is done by everyone else too and it's normal - aahhhh!!!

"As if a lyin' cheatin' spouse is some prize we're just dying to have."

Chris, that one gets my blood boiling too. That comment makes me think that they already feel superior to whomever they're saying it to.

Charlie

DG, "manipulation" only works in a trusting relationship, before we realize what's happening.

To me, after we know there were/are hidden agendas, it's "using" or "playing".

Does that make any sense? I think maybe Charlie said it better.

Chris.

>>>I think maybe Charlie said it better<<<

Charlie said it a bit more gently, but I know you’re not one to mince words, Chris (I'd insert a smiley here but I don't know how). Believe it or not, I’m not a gullible person; I’m pretty guarded and skeptical by nature. But I let it all go in this relationship. I trusted him even when he didn’t give me much reason. That was my mistake; but the lies were so insidious and fed into all my insecurities. I’ve spent 6 years trying to repair something that he never really wanted to fix in the first place; I don’t think he ever stopped seeing other women in all that time. I’ll probably never know the whole truth but I know enough.

DG