Hello -

We have been together, married for 10. We are expecting our first child, which was conceived as his affair was dwindling down. He was involved with someone else for 2 years, in which time he had a 2nd affair for 3 months. All that time, he was pushing for us to have a baby (our first) and I was going to counseling to get my head together- as I believe this to be the most important decision a person can make.

This affair took place when he went on biz trips. So over the course of 2 years, he saw her 6 times - but they spoke or e mailed about twice a week.

We are in counseling once a week - he goes on his own once a week. He has given up his career in the travel industry so there will be no more alone travel again. He has joined my business so we are now working together. We have changed all phone numbers, and I have been given access to all e mail addresses. We do couple's exercises each week (Harvil Hendrik's). Sorry to bore you with all the details!

What I am hoping to find is a couple that is working it out - or anyone that knows someone that has stood the test of time after this horrible discovery. I know it is a small percentage of people (I think about 30%?) that stay together, and am looking to talk with someone in that group! Neither one of wants a divorce - although sometimes the pain of this is truely unbearable.

Please let us know if you are working it out with your spouse. We are looking for encouragement and hope!!

Thank you to everyone for listening

My husband and I are working to reconcile. We are 4 months past D-day. Every day is a struggle (especially for me) but things are going very well. I too have access to all of my H's email accounts, he is available for me to call at all hours of the day, including when he is at work, I watch him while he is on the computer, you name it and we are pretty much doing it.

I feel that we have a lot of hope in our marriage. His A was due to his selfishness and what he felt were problems in our marriage (tho in hindsight, he now wishes he had just talked to me about the problems he believed we had). I am in no way responsible for his A, though I do take full responsibility for my part in our MARITAL problems, not in any way the A. And yes, we did have marital problems (who doesn't?!), but he gave us no opportunity to fix it, he took the coward's way out. He also comments frequently that he knows there is no excuse for what he did, it was COMPLETELY wrong and he wishes there was a way to erase what he did. (Which unfortunately, there isn't, we will just have work through what happened together.)

Anyway, I believe there is hope for 2 people who want to fix their marriage and reconcile. But the WS has to be willing to take responsibility for what they did and how it has affected their wife and possibly their children. (In my case, my children 11, 9 and 6 do not know, nor will they if I have my way.) I believe that my H "gets it" and we are definitely on the road to reconciling.

Amie

Howdy LRGP,

Welcome to the site.

<<<What I am hoping to find is a couple that is working it out - or anyone that knows someone that has stood the test of time after this horrible discovery>>>

We have more than a few married members who are 5, 6, 7 yrs past Dday and are doing just fine. They are here to "pay it forward". The weekends can be alittle slow but hopefully they'll post when they see this.

<<<I know it is a small percentage of people (I think about 30%?) that stay together>>>

From the data I've read the percentage is alot higher than 30%. My suggestion would be to throw the percentages out the window regardless of what they are. You aren't any of those other couples.

I hope you found this helpful and encouraging.

Once again, welcome aboard.

Regards,

Tex

Hi there and welcome,

We are a couple of months shy of 8 years since the day my H disclosed being the father of a child whose mother had been 'hanging' around our "family of choice". After 2 1/2 years of pure hell (timing being text book btw) we made the decision to grow old together, rolled up our sleeves and went to work... It was a second marriage for both of us, and we thought we knew what marriage entailed.... wrong !!! We are still a work in progress. Now it is about Life - the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly. We have become a good team ...Yes, there is life after an affair...

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Thank you for everyone that posted to my message.

Kat - can you please tell me what you mean by 2 and 1/2 years being by the book? Is that how long experts say it takes to get things back on track?

Your advice and insight is much appreciated.

Best

Amie, very well stated.

LRGP, I'm Cory, another old veteran of the boards. Kat and I met via an old private affair recovery site and have been great friends ever since. Like Kat's marriage, mine has also survived. We're now at over 7 years post D-Day.

It took a lot of work from both of us to heal our marriage, but heal it we did. As Amie stated so well, it DOES take a firm commitment from both parties to do this. If you have that from the beginning, then you have a good start. I didn't have that for 8 months after D-Day, and yet we still survived.

For my W, she had severe self esteem issues that, when combined with our inability to communicate properly, was a recipe for disaster. She had an affair with one of my best friends, what's called a "Double Betrayel".

Don't want to put words in Kats mouth, but I think she may have been referring to many affair recovery books and advisors that say it takes about two years just to get fully beyond the shock of a partners affair. Am I right, Kat?

As Tex said, screw the statistics. As you move forward in recovery and read here, you'll notice many similarities in people's stories, but you'll also notice that each and every story is unique unto itself.

Your recovery is YOUR recovery. We'll be here to offer thoughts, a shoulder and to help however we can. From what you said, it sounds like you and your H are off to a pretty good start.

It CAN be done,
Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.

<<<<<<Don't want to put words in Kats mouth, but I think she may have been referring to many affair recovery books and advisors that say it takes about two years just to get fully beyond the shock of a partners affair. Am I right, Kat? >>>>>>

Yes and no, dear Cory LOL.... It would appear the shelf life of an affair is about 2 years.... AND it takes about 2 years for the shock of an affair to be somewhat "digested"...

At the time of my H's disclosure the affair had been going on for about 1 1/2 year and his child was 6 mos. (do the math, she got pregnant 5 mos in the affair... gheeee).

And it took him/us about 2 years to get our head screwed back the 'right' way....

My H has said the affair "would" have stopped a lot earlier if a child had not been thrown into the equation...He found himself caught in the impossible position of wanting to do the 'right thing' for everybody involved....further, remember, Cory, the T-man has a child with his former wife who refused visitation with OW.... and OW did not care much about this child due to him being adopted... "he is not your blood", "my child is".... talk about a clusterfxck of his own doing !!!!!

BUT, this too did pass... OW got married and has had 2 other children since and as the T-man says... "neither one is mine"... I know, I know, we do have a sick sense of humor around here...

However, history repeated itself. He was not raised by his biological parents and saw his father sporadically...And at times I wonder how much this fact influenced him into making his decision to re-commit to our marriage. Sad tho - for a man to have 2 children being raised by their mothers and him being a 'visiting' father but not a 'dad'....One has to live and face the consequences of their choices and decisions....


And as you walk you make your path Kat

Hi LRGP,

I'm new to the board and new to this really cruddy situation too. D-day was about 2 months ago. My H is similar to yours in that he's doing his level best to do all the right things. We want to stay together and I think that is a very important factor to success.

We have a 4 year old and he is the reason I did not immediately hit the road. At first it was solely because of him and not wanting to go through more pain of divided custody. Then I realized I love my husband and want to do everything I can to make it work. I feel like we owe it to each other, our son and I owe it to myself. I have alot of hope.

You know, I've found that there are quite a few people out there that are very supportive. I never thought I would "stand" for infidelity and that idea has caused me a lot of unecessary pain. I've found that most people have turning points in their marriages and they can be incredibly supportive.

Nice, wise and timely words of wisdom from the "old timers" on this board. Thanks for sticking around to pay it forward to us newbies.

Hang in there LRGP... you are not alone!

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...

LRGP,

We are 8 years since my husband disclosed that he was "in love with another woman." We are still married, because we both worked hard to heal our marriage after his affair. It was no easy ride to get to where we are today, but we, too, are healed.

I, too, was part of the old message board established by Peggy Vaughan back in the late 90's. There are a few of us old timers who are "paying it forward" like TexMac says. LOL

I hope you will find this encouraging to know there are people like us who are making it.

Our thoughts are with you.
(((LRGP)))

Lee

Hi LRGP,

We are working it out, one day at a time. There are no quick fixes. As Tex said, I have come to hate that four letter word "TIME". It seems inconceivable that one should have to endure this kind of pain for months or even years, but I believe the duration of the pain and the building of the trust depend on the hard work each side puts into it. We've never worked so hard at anything. MC, IC, Seminars, now workbooks (thank you for that), and he's willing to do it all. Every spare minute we have, we spend together.

I have hope. He has opened his life to me like never before. I have access to everything also. I have a PI on his past, thinking that he had not disclosed everything. I gave the PI every name and place I could think of over the last 18 years. He has uncovered nothing. Mostly it was about being with “the guys".

We have had some brutal conversations. We should have had those years ago. My H had established some unhealthy patterns before we got married. No long term relationships, quick sex. He realizes that had caused him to be incredibly selfish. You've heard the catch-phrase "a man's a microwave, a woman's a crackpot". Last night he said that sometimes he would be in the mood for sex with me, but not want to take the time to "warm me up". The ONS's provided that quick fix, that "it's all about me" sex.

He has realized that his life has been completely about him. Even being a good dad has been about his ego. Yesterday after the marriage seminar he said he's finally is getting the "intimacy" connection, that it's about the person's soul, not their body.

He's also doing some very hard work on fixing some personal issues. He was working with his dad and watched him fall to his death when he was 22. They had just had a horrible fight. His mom was emotionally absent. And on and on it goes. He started partying and doing the ONS's with his buddies after that. He said I knocked him over when we met, the first time he ever believed life could be "normal". We were two seemingly very capable, professional adults with lots of baggage.

Everyday brings different, raw emotions. On some levels we’ve never experienced a better marriage. It’s not superficial. We’re talking about things we’ve never talked about. But wow, at what a price. Is it worth it? I’m hoping so.

I am praying for you strength, courage, patience and a look into yourself that will make you realize what an incredible person you are.

Lore

LRGP,

I can't give you the perspective of someone who is "years out", but I can tell you what it's been like for me at 8 1/2 months post d-day. I always thought that an affair would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be outa here. Yet here I am, still with him, and trying the best I can to make our marriage not only survive this, but also to make it stronger and better. I say "I" but it is really "we". That is the only way it will happen. My H, once he stopped lying after being confronted with everything I knew, and he realized how devasted I was and we began to talk about all of it, he "got it." In that sense I was fortunate that he got it so early on. He never once blamed me for his having an A. He began doing all the right things, he knows my boundaries, I have access to everything, the cell phone records, e-mail, etc. He is accessible to me by phone at any time and he does not feel resentful because of any of this. Although it may seem like Big Brother is watching over him at all times, he understands that this is what I need to feel safe and secure right now, and that this is what I have to have in order to begin to have some semblance of trust in him again.

This is not an easy road to take by any means. Don't let anyone say you should get over it after a certain amount of time has passed. I know so many details of my husband's A that it seems at times like recovery is an impossible dream for me. I know dates, times, places, have read e-mails and have seen pictures. I became a master investigator because I just had to know. Some people need only to know there was an A. I needed to know everything. My H says I know more about the A than he does! The point is, because of this the triggers are numerous and they are everywhere. And yet, things are getting better. The meltdowns don't come as often anymore and don't last as long. I don't cry as much anymore though I still mourn what was lost. I still feel insecure, still feel resentful and angry because of what they shared together and what he denied me in the process. I'm working on those feelings. I'm working on me.

I think we can make it. We are both doing what we know we have to do to make it work. There have been some real positive outcomes of all of this and I think our marriage, although it will never be the same again, can be stronger and healthier because of them. I compare it to my son who had several surgeries on his hips and his left leg and, although healed, it is weaker than it once was. His right leg though is much stronger as he depended on it more and used it more to compensate for the left one. His arms are also stronger from all the time he spent wheeling himself around in a wheelchair and then using those same muscles when he was on crutches. And his spirit is definately stronger. He knows pain, both emotional and physical, he survived it and although it is not something he would have chosen to have happen to him, it has made him who he is today, a very caring person, very atuned to other's feelings, and yet very mentally strong.

So, although none of us wanted to have this happen to us, we, and our marriage, can come out of it stronger than before. We have to learn to compensate for what was lost. We have to communicate better, we have to listen harder, we have to learn what the other person needs and do our best to meet those needs. It will take a lot of work but it can happen. It doesn't happen all at once. It can be so gradual that you don't even see it happening. But then you look back and ask yourself how things are different now than say 6 months ago, and hopefully you will see positive changes in both of you and the strides you've made in strengthening your marrital bond.

As for the statistics, I got a little freaked over those too when I first read them. Then I realized if recovery happens for only 1 couple, we could be that couple it we want to be.

If I rambled too much I apologize. If it helped even a little though I'm glad.

Angela

So insightful. Thank you.

As you can see...I am still not sleeping.