Hi Good People,

We're having some "fall out" issues with our extended family and the big A. My H, the WS, has told his Mom and I've told mine. My H's mom is having issues with ME and how my spending might have driven my H to have an affair. She's always thought I spent too much money but now it's taken on a life of it's own. BTW I'm not "Dr Phil" spendy but am definitely aware I use shopping therapy. And am trying to change. My MIL is a good woman and I fully believe in respecting your parents BUT Sheesh! Give a girl a break already. Really tired of being the plain talker in our family.


So my question - how do you/ have you dealt with family fall out? I've had all kinds from supremely supportive to "how is this going to impact me".

I'm posting on the other boards too. I'd like to know how you all have dealt in the longer term too.

Thanks and you are an amazing group.

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...

onroute

What I've found is that most folks can't begin to relate to affair recovery unless they have been there themselves. We all have a vision in our head of what we'd do if certain things happen in our lives, but that doesn't mean that's necessarily the way we react when it does happen. Most people think they'd never stay in a relationship after an affair has occurred, but then find for any number of reasons that they do.

You wrote>>My H's mom is having issues with ME and how my spending might have driven my H to have an affair>>

This has to be one of the biggest misconceptions people have about affairs. They tend to look at an affair as something that happened because one spouse didn't meet the needs of their partner or that both people in the relationship are responsible for the affair. They don't understand that an affair is a selfish act that only says something about the person having it, not their partner or the marriage as a whole.

You can try to explain to your MIL that you spending money didn't cause your husband to have an affair. Because if it did, every man whose wife spends too much money would be justified in having an affair. And that's just silly logic, isn't it? I think family members for the most part mean well, they just simply can't understand it. And no amount of explaining will get through to them in some cases.

I have no advice, I just know that it's difficult to try and explain to people where you are when they've not been there. I will say that knowing within yourself that you had nothing to do with his decision to have an affair, is a very important thing for you to hold on to. And don't let anyone (family member or otherwise) try to convince you otherwise. I know it must be tough when family gets involved because they tend to choose sides and place blame where it doesn't belong.

GT

What GT said. It is a common misconception among those that have not experienced infidelity that the BS spouse caused the affair. Would it be helpful to print out or refer your MIL to some of the sites and articles listed here that describe the causes of affairs? It may open her eyes.

Thanks GT and Misha,

I really appreciate your support and good words. This is an ongoing problem and one I really don't understand because my MIL's H left her for another woman 10 years ago. One positive thing I can say about this A situation is I don't have much energy left to devote to foolishness.
I was as kind as I could be but didn't mince words. The next time she brings it up I'm going to say that it's hurting our (hers and mine) relationship and would she please cut it out.

Can't tell you what a support you have been!

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...