Hey y'all...how's everyone doing? Been a few weeks because work has been nuts, family commitment nuts and then on top of it all I had a terrible bout of flu which threw me for a loop for a while. But feeling better now and just was growing a tad reflective as the spring solstice approaches...
...and what I'm reflecting on is whether I am "happy" or not.
I used to think, "Yeah, I'm happy." After all, there are so many good things in my life ie my career, my parents are well, my kids are flourishing, I live in a free, peaceful, prosperous country -- so I should be happy.
But I admit, even though its been 3yrs plus since d-day I am not happy yet. Oh, its been a long road from devastated to angry to desparate to depressed to where I am today. And I guess where I am is resignation. I am resigned to the fact that what happened, happened and that it happens to alot of people and that I have dealt with it admirably and honourably and with full understanding of my values and priorities.
And yet, acceptance/resignation or whatever it is isn't happiness. I may be at peace with my decisions and how I handled things but I'm still not happy.
I love my kids and they bring me moments of happiness. Sometimes I'll accomplish something at work and, again, moments of happiness -- but nothing enduring and lasting.
I think its because while I am conditioned to "give", I need to get something back sometimes too. And there ain't too much of that going on in my life lately.
I know what you mean. I'm at almost 4 years and while I'm not over run with anxiety any more, I'm not what I used to describe as happy. Like you, I have momentary happiness with family members, business accomplishments, and treating myself to somethings that I have always wanted to do but overall life is pretty dull. I think that comes from the way these ordeals affect us as individuals. The truama changes our outlook on life and what we used to dream of is now just ho-hum. So what if I have gotten here with my values and morals intact, the big emptiness inside of me suggests that I've missed out on something and being proud of the way I got here isn't enough.
I am not happy. After discovering my h 2nd affair last month, I am about as far from happy right now as I can get. I have been doing some soul searching, a lot of thinking and a little research on the web. I have found good ideas on how to be happy. I am trying to do at least one each day. Maybe some of the ideas will help you. I'm not sure where I found these as I copied them on to "notepad" and saved them. Here is some of what I have found:
1. Count your blessings.
One way to do this is with a “gratitude journal” in which you write down three to five things for which you are currently thankful—from the mundane (your peonies are in bloom) to the magnificent (a child’s first steps).
2. Practice acts of kindness.
...Being kind to others, whether friends or strangers, triggers a cascade of positive effects—it makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others and wins you smiles, approval and reciprocated kindness—all happiness boosters.
3. Savor life’s joys.
Pay close attention to momentary pleasures and wonders.
4. Thank a mentor.
If there’s someone whom you owe a debt of gratitude for guiding you at one of life’s crossroads, don’t wait to express your appreciation—in detail and, if possible, in person.
5. Learn to forgive.
Let go of anger and resentment...Inability to forgive is associated with persistent rumination or dwelling on revenge, while forgiving allows you to move on.
6. Invest time and energy in friends and family.
Where you live, how much money you make, your job title and even your health have surprisingly small effects on your satisfaction with life. The biggest factor appears to be strong personal relationships.
7. Take care of your body.
Getting plenty of sleep, exercising, stretching, smiling and laughing can all enhance
your mood in the short term.
8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships.
There is no avoiding hard times. Religious faith has been shown to help people cope, but so do the secular beliefs enshrined in axioms like “This too shall pass” and “That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
9. Smile at people.
It's amazing how a simple smile changes how people react to you, which in turn makes the world seem like a better place.
AND-----
The 10 steps to happiness
Plant something and nurture it
Count your blessings - at least five - at the end of each day
Take time to talk - have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week
Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while and arrange to meet up
Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it
Have a good laugh at least once a day
Get physical - exercise for half an hour three times a week
Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day
Cut your TV viewing by half
Spread some kindness - do a good turn for someone every day
AND----
1. Smile - Feeling happy makes you smile. Try smiling to make you feel happy.
2. Breathe Deeply - A relaxed state is less compatible with unhappy feelings.
3. Care for Your Body - A healthy body is a foundation for emotional well-being.
4. Don't Rush - Living too fast may cause missed opportunities for happiness.
5. Act Happy - Fake it until you make it... you may be surprised.
6. Look for Positive Things - Look for the positive, otherwise negativity will find you.
7. Pause Before Reacting - Over-reacting can make life needlessly complicated.
8. Banish Regrets - You can't erase the past, but don’t let it dominate the present.
9. Live in the Present - Happiness is most truly experienced the here and now.
10. Visualize Happiness - Prime yourself to experience happiness.
AND FINALLY---
1) Realise that enduring happiness doesn't come from success. Wealth is like health, its absence breeds misery, but having it doesn't guarantee happiness.
2) Take control of your time. It helps to set goals and break them into daily aims. We under estimate how much we can accomplish in a year, one day at a time.
3) Act happy. Put on a happy face. Talk as if you feel optimistic and outgoing. Going through the motions can trigger the emotions. If you scowl, the whole world seem to scowl back.
4) Seek work and leisure that engage your skills. Happy people are absorbed in tasks that challenge them without overwhelming them. Expensive forms of leisure often provide less flow than gardening, socialising or craftwork.
5) Join the 'movement' movement. An avalanche of research reveals that the aerobic exercise not only promotes health and energy; it also is an antidote for mild depression and anxiety. Sound mind resides in sound bodies.
6) Give your body the sleep it wants. Happy people live vigorous lives, yet reserve time for renewing sleep and solitude. Fatigue can lead to diminished alertness and gloomy moods.
7) Give priority to close relationships. Intimate friendships with those who care deeply about you can help you weather difficult times. Confiding is good for soul and body.
8) Focus beyond the self. Reach out to those in need. Happiness increases helpfulness (those who feel good, do good). But doing good also makes one feel good.
9) Keep a gratitude journal. Those who reflect on some positive aspect of their lives (health, friends, family, accomplishments) experience heightened well being.
10) Nurture your spiritual self. For many people, faith provides a reason to focus beyond self and a sense of hope and purpose. Most studies find actively religious people happier and better able to cope with crisis.
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It's good advice, hard for me to take it right now. I am hoping that someday I will find happiness again. Seems really far away at the moment.
aanisah
Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.
I'd have to say I have moments of happiness but the betrayal is always with me lurking. I think it's the same feeling as grieving a loved one. You go on but it's a long time before the sadness isn't right near the surface.
I'd have to add to the list -
1) Get enough protein
2) Take a good multivitamen - especially B vitamens
3) Drastically limit news intake.
4) Seek comedy in any form
I'm shooting for content and enough sleep right now.
Take good care...
On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...
Hello Jane, good thread topic esp for those awhile out from d-day.
Glad to see you having some happimess!
H2C, old friend let the light shine on you...it will come
My first d-day was July23/02 and I came to these forums shortly after,Another d-day in aug 02 and finally nc on november 20/02.
It has been a long hard road for both of us, including my addiction to Ativan and clonezepam which I am now weaning off and at one point we even seperated from july23/05 to sept 05......Donna moved back around christmas and we are getting married this year....so you can see the twists and turns I have lived through and can honestly say I am happy for the most part have been since we got back together.
Generally my disposition has greatly improved,we are making plans for our future(first time i have ben able to do that since d-day one)I am happy in my day to day life, happier at work and more positive.
I think getting off the drugs,finding real forgiveness,letting down my walls and letting her love me,being totally honest with myself and Donna and living in the Now has greatly improved things for me.
I do strongly reccomed the book The Power of Now by Echart Toll to anyone struggling with all those old issues and tapes that keep running in your head, the book really helped me understand and see thing much differently!
