It’s been a rocky last couple of weeks. I haven’t been able to post because we’ve had two kids home on spring break. Our high school D one week, our college S the next. It's been really stressful for my W. We have always been upfront with our C.
My W did call me yesterday and say she felt the first trickle of hope. I felt exhilarated. Today she called and asked for more details about the emotional A. I am trying so hard to be patient, but it was a kick in the gut. I know what I know. I mean business this time. My head was screwed up, incredibly self-centered. I want her to believe that I have determined a different course for my life, that I am, for the first time, living my life on purpose. I see that there is more than just my own little universe. She is all I want, all I ever wanted. I did not count the cost. The A's meant nothing to me, filled some ego need, so I ridiculously thought they'd mean nothing to her.
She told me that she wants me to act as though I am a 20 something in hot pursuit of the love of his life. I have done all I know to do and will keep doing whatever it is she asks of me.
Yes, stop telling her that you'll do whatever "she wants" you to do and start "doing." Doing everything you can to please her for now even though you've been married a while because right now she probably needs it, and she may feel like she is staying only because she is doing you a favor at first. Don't get me wrong, eventually she may "want" this relationship too if you do things right, but for now she is hurt beyond belief. I felt at the time it was worse than death and many people here do as well.
Here are some ideas and I'm sure other's can add to the list. I don't have much time I can't remember the ones you may already be doing so excuse me if you've already said your doing a few of these.
Call OFTEN. Always be available if she wants to call you.
Be an open book. Let her have all passcode's to everything, e-mail, phone, etc.
Let her use your cell phone any day she wishes. Swop with her. Always let her see your cell phone when you return from being away if she desires. Don't say a word about her lack of trust. She doesn't trust right now because she shouldn't yet. With your help that can be regained.
Tell her you love her LOTS.
Buy her flowers, candy, rub her back, help with the kids more, etc. just because. ***Don't make her ask for them.*** Right now she probably doesn't feel like she can function very well and having you help with chores more will help.
The BIGGIE**************************
Tell her your sorry EVERY DAY for a long time. Don't keep thinking that she should just "get over it." It will take time but if your doing all these steps, trust will be regained much quicker.
If she seems like she's triggering over something, ask if she wants to talk about it. Make sure you are sincere and you really want to help her. Your willingness will probably be reciprocated at first, but in time, you'll notice she won't want to ask anymore once all her questions are answered. I got to that point after a while with my ex. Try to deal with her outbursts at first. She also needs to work at that, which is difficult in the beginning.
Just a start. Hang in there. I know it is rough on you too.
SRM, picture a house, one that was built over the course of many years. There were a few imperfections, but nothing that seemed major...
Now, the entire house is destroyed, wiped out, nothing left but a few scraps.
BUT, the foundation, that strong foundation of love is still there. It's time to start rebuilding, and now that you have a plan in mind, share it with your co-foreman, put your heads together, and you can someday have a house better than you ever envisioned.
Patience and hard work, brother... That's what it's going to take.
Cory
You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.
All I can say as a BS, if my H did just a fraction of what he said he'd do...well, I would be on cloud nine. Now is the time for action....go and get her...what are you waiting for? ASk her to dance with you for the rest of your lives...dont just say it...do it:o)
hi, i had an ironic laugh at your wifes comment about acting like a 20 yr in pursuit haha. i, as the BS have told my H exactly the same thing.
i tell him he has to Woooo me, i am not sure what it means or if it is the right word, but what i want him to do is pretend (or not take for granted) that we are together, to chase ME.
so chase her.
you said you have done lots of things, that is good, but remember my flowers and chocolates story, if you are giving her flowers and she wants chocolates, then not matter how many flowers you give, it wont feel right for her.
so cast your mind back, think of the things she loves, little things even like a cup of tea or coffee in bed in the morning, to a slap up dinner at a hotel or at home.
what would you do to engage or impress someone else, and i dont mean another woman, ok.
however there is a risk,in saying this to my H, when he has done different or spontaneous things, my BS head has said "mm where did you learn that?"
so maybe write her a wish list, things you would like to surprise her with and let her pick, she still gets the surprise cause she doesnt know what she is getting from the list, and YOU get an idea of what she would like, without the risk of thinking "he got this idea from another woman".
does that make sense.
your list could look like, breakfast in bed, breakfast in a resturant, a hair cut, a massage, a good bottle of her fav wine, going to a movie she wants to see, visit and art gallery, going to the plant shop, i have no idea, but if i was writing a list for me, as a girl of girlie things i want to do, those woudl be some of the things to think of .
so wooooo her, surprise her, even a list of things she might like to pick gives her a clue you are working on making her happy.
I can't remember the ones you may already be doing so excuse me if you've already said your doing a few of these.
