Well guys…this week has been rough. Our D got into my W’s email and read something she’d sent to me at work. She said she felt something was going on and decided to investigate. We still don’t know how she figured out the password. Of course she called our son at college – they are very close – so it’s all out in the open.

Neither one of our C said they were terribly surprised. I guess they saw something in me my W did not. They are very angry and hurt. I have to say, my W has done an incredible job of raising them. Yeah, I was involved in their lives/activities, but as far as values and the character and integrity they both have, my W gets the credit.

My D is very gutsy and called the one OW she knew last night and let her have it. After nine years. The OW (ONS at hotel) was the mother of one of her friends. I can’t imagine the shock OW must have felt. But our D said it felt great.

My big fear is this…my W is such a great mom I think she’s been holding it together and even forgiving me for the C. This week she has cried nonstop. Our D is livid with me. Our S still in shock. Should our C go to counseling?

I’m still doing all I can do, digging my heels in and trying to win her back. We’re not too thrilled with the MC’s we’ve seen. We are going to look into Retrouvaille. Right now I’m just worried about her health. She can’t eat or sleep.

Although I have not posted, I have been reading. The insight here is amazing.

SRM

"Our D is livid with me. Our S still in shock. Should our C go to counseling?"

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!!

Although our marriage didn't make it because my ex could never come completely clean or get counseling he needed, counseling did help my son greatly when we were going through our separation. Having a third party to talk to is very good for your children. Supporting them through it and telling them that you are disappointed even in yourself is a great way to help them through it. If they see that you realize your mistakes and feel bad about your A, I think they will start to forgive you.

When my ex and I were still together after his A, we both agreed that one day we would tell our children what had happened in the hopes that we could help them avoid such a huge mistake later on themselves. My youngest son did know that dad hadn't been honest with me because I was such a mess afterwards that I really couldn't hide everything, but he didn't know about any other women. He was a bit too young to understand it yet.

Anyway, in some ways I think that having it all out in the open has its benefits, esp. if it helps your children realize how painful it is if they should ever marry themselves so they don't repeat your mistakes. I'm sure it will be hard for you but just like your W needs to heal from this, I guess your children do as well. Open communication with them about this will likely help them and not buring it under the rug. I believe that when things are buried, it causes resentment. My BIL (a great guy) has resented his dad for an A he had when he was a child. His dad would never talk about it with him at all. I'm betting things can get better with your children in time just like with your W if you can talk to your children about it and apologize for it.

Charlie

On the counsiling question, my answer would be, "If THEY feel they need it". I'm assuming, judging by what you wrote, that the kids are old enough to make up their minds on this.

I have NEVER been a big proponent of hiding affair fallout from kids, for a few reasons. For one, kids KNOW when something isn't right around the house. As parents, we don't give them enough credit sometimes for the brains they have.

If you're hiding the affair from them, and they KNOW something is wrong, this can lead to many issues, such as the kids blaming themselves, the kids learning that secrecy is a "good" thing, etc.

If they're old enough to understand, then I feel they should be told. It's better for them to KNOW what's going on, and if you're trying to rebuild, like you guys are, the kids can help in that as well. It could be a great learning experince for ALL of you, and it can teach your kids what a healthy, ADULT relationship can be like.

At the time (over 7 years ago), we told our two daughters, then 16 and 14. As stated above, all 3 kids KNEW something was wrong. We decided to tell the girls, but not give all the information to our 7 year old son, as he wouldn't have understood it anyways. We DID tell him that we were having some issues, that we were working them out, and that it had nothing to do with him.

And now, to bring you a bit of levity into this, let me give you the followup...

Our oldest daughter is VERY shy and quiet. At the time, if you said "sex" anywhere near her, she'd blush and leave the room. So you can only imagine the look on her face when we told her of her mother's affair.

When we finished, we asked both girls if they had any questions, and they both said no.

Later that afternoon, my W was taking the girls shopping. On the way to the store, the older, very shy daughter said, "Mom, I have a question. Who was better?"

My W told me that she almost drove off the road! LOL

She answered her honestly. As I've stated many times before, never, EVER mess with a Frenchman in that department...

Cory

Cory

I agree with what you said very much!!!

charlie

Charlie, you agree about telling the kids, or agree about the Frenchman part?

HAD to be said, sorry... LOL
Cory

Some things in life are problems. Most are inconveniences. Knowing the difference is wisdom.

Well, um, never "had" a Frenchman before. What am I missing Cory?

ha ha

Charlie

I agree with Charlie and Cory. Your children need some help dealing with this. We never told our children, or anyone else about it, although I’m sure it was obvious to everyone that something was wrong. It was foolish of us to think we could pretend everything was fine. But that’s what we chose to do because we felt it would be easier to deal with if no one else knew. Years later, during an argument with us about something he needed to do, my oldest son yelled that he wasn’t going to take advice from “adulterers” (yes, plural). Obviously he had overheard our fights and the accusations (untrue) that his father had made about me being involved with someone else. I looked at him and wondered if he was going to take responsibility for what he had done; if he would tell our son the truth. He just sat there, speechless. For some reason, I still thought our marriage had a chance and I explained to my son that there had been mistakes made but that his dad and I loved each other and were trying to work it out. I didn’t go into any further details with him about it and he didn’t ask. I wish I had been able to see, much sooner, how the whole mess was affecting my family and insisted that we all get some counseling.

Ask your kids how they would feel about going for counseling and suggest that many people find it very helpful. I don’t know how old your kids are, but you said your son is in college so I’m guessing they are in their late teens or older. At that age you can’t force them to go if they don’t want to, but maybe they’ll be open to the idea. Just be as supportive as you can for them and your wife. Let them know that you want to help them in whatever way you can and that you are sorry for the pain they feel. Good luck.

DG